look at me now.

Saturday, 31 December 2011

never will i forget.


it all started on..

You added me on facebook. I knew who you were, you were my bestfriend's friend so I approved you. I thought you were just like all the other guys who added me and only said "hi" the first time I approved them and went away just like that but I stand corrected. You were different. I know we had just met but I felt something different when I chatted or text with you, happy maybe? I guess I was falling for you and to be honest, I was scared I was the only one who felt this way. I remembered I had a problem with some friends and you asked me to not to worry because you would always be here for me.

We've became really closed. I was surprised. I was head over heels for you. It's been awhile and nothing has happen yet between us. You seemed like you had feelings for me too but I denied it every time I thought about it even though you've given me too many signs already because I thought it could never happen. But it did. A day after justin bieber's concert, you ask me to be your girlfriend. I was overwhelmed and trust me, I couldn't stop smiling that day. It was a miracle to me and it felt so magical. Then shit happened to me and again, you were there for me.

I had a problem with my family. I was on the edge of breaking down. Nobody at that time could understand what I was going through. My dad didn't come back and my mum blamed me. I was literally devastated. I didn't know what to do. YOU were the only one who was there for me. You were there for me when I was at my lowest. Everybody else seemed to have their own thing to do but you didn't, you cared enough to helped me out and calm me down. I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive at that time.

Two months have past. Was I dreaming? No. This was bloody true. I remembered you ask me a few times if I could go to that cheer leading competition at Bukit Jalil if i'm not mistaken. I said I wasn't sure at first then it turns out I couldn't go. My mum wasn't gonna give me permission any time soon because of something I did I guess. You said it was okay but I felt guilty.

This was the first time we met. Yes, I got to go to that competition. I remember you calling me asking where was I and guess what? I saw you first. I walked to you and act as if I didn't see you and I hit you. You were shocked, you should've seen your face back then. Super adorable. It turns out we both were wearing blue shirts. We didn't planned it, it just happened. I remembered the way you look into my eyes, the way you laughed and smiled. To be honest, when I was with you.. I couldn't see anyone else. My eyes was set on you, just you. The hardest part was letting go. I remember I kicked your leg, accidentally stepping on your feet and hit you again before I went home. Haha it was funny. I love you.

You were busy studying for PMR and I wanted to text or call you so badly but I didn't because I was scared I would be disturbing you but you, you always had the time for me. and that was what I love the most about you. 

I invited you to my Jamuan Raya on the 24th and you said you might not make it but you did. You were there. You came all the way from Shah Alam. I was so overwhelmed. I felt guilty cause you had to go through a lot just to get here. It was so amazing. I remember the adrenaline rush I had. My cheeks kept blushing. Oh you were just amazing. I love the part when I asked for your phone and you taught me how to use it :p you put my picture as your wallpaper. Sweet~

Things have changed a little. You were too busy. I had to admit, there were still some sweet moments between us. Remember that dream you had  about me? Yes that was the sweetest thing ever. After you told me about that dream, I was sure that this would last but I should've known that dreams are just dreams. It's 9.10.11 and I wanted to call you so badly but I was too afraid that I would disturb you studying. I woke up at 3 something in the morning to see if you text me and you did. You said the moon was so beautiful that night and how you wish you could see it with me. I slept smiling to my ear I tell you.

Things have change, I was full of doubts now but you said you still love me. Still? Why still? What does that mean I thought to myself. Then, I realised that this wasn't working. You weren't like before. Something's fishy and I had to end it. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. I couldn't be living in lies no more. You were bored with me.

We're just bestfriends now. No more you, no more anniversary. Countdown to new years knowing that you weren't mine no more. I thought it would last, yes I just thought it would last but I knew it wouldn't. So yeah I miss you but we're friends right? So that's great enough.

yours truly,riri

the bright side.

I know that 2011 haven't been such a blast for me and all. It's full of shit to be precise but to be honest, I gotta hand it to ya, 2011 had thought me a lot. Yeah I know there's more to this but this is the starting. I've never felt more devastated in my entire 13-year-old life ever than the devastation that I have felt on this very 2011. Things have change so much in so little time, it's like I can't even cope with myself. People come and go like it's nobody's business. I've cried a lot this year and to be honest, I never thought someone could even cry this much but I've grown, I'm not the sweet lil girl people used to know. Lets look on the bright side now, I'm closer with my siblings, I understand more about life and how I should learn to compromise, I know how to keep myself calm and control myself from getting mad and start to curse so much, I've learn to stop judging people..well I have my limits, I learned to be more grateful with what I have, to appreciate my loved ones, and so much more. The main thing is, 2011 turned out to be the year I learned things the hard way and just like everything else that has to be learned the hard way, it'll always stick to your head.

yours truly,riri

what went wrong?

Everything seem to be falling into place when suddenly an earthquake came and once again,things were falling apart.

And everyday I wonder what went wrong. Did I make the wrong turn? Maybe I should've turn left instead of right, maybe I should've turn around and stay safe. What ever it is, thing's have pass by so quickly. In a blink of an eye, everybody have went their own way, at least that's what I think it is. All I could mange to do now is believe that things happen for a reason. All these things that went wrong will become right one day. Allah makes no mistakes and I have to have some faith. I've screwed up a lot this year and I would say that I regret most of the things I've done but I don't. Beause all the shit-full moments I've been through this year made me stronger and I've learned to be more careful with the things I do. All the wrong doings, I've learned better than to do that again. I'll change and inshaaAllah things will get better.

yours truly,riri

face the facts.

To be honest, I wish you were. I miss you badly and I still do have dreams about you, reasons unknown. I miss everything I once had, I don't know how could I let it slip away so easily. I guess I was holding it too tight.

 The truth is, no one left no one but both of us gave permission for each other to find someone new. No arguments, no dramas, no promises and no happily ever after. I could've let you stay 'cause I know that you would but I got tired of continuing this show we had on. Guess both of us wanted to win. Who was the best actor, who could go on with this lie and you won. I gave up. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. I was happy with you but your feelings for me fade away and the only thing that made you stay was that pity feeling you had for me. The last thing I want is for people to stay not because they want to but because of pity and that was it, I had to let you go. No use in us to be this way. We stop acting, you're happy, I'm happy.. I guess. We love each other that it's sad to be apart but that was the best thing we could do and also the hardest thing that I did. So please, it wasn't your fault and it would never be your fault. This is our fate. I'll get over it soon. Thank you for everything my dear si awesome :)

yours truly,riri

leave it all behind.

For this 2012, I'll leave everything bad from 2011 behind. There's no use in me to take back all the memories of all the shit-full hard times moment with me to 2012. I know if I keep holding on to the past, the only thing I'll get back in repay is heartaches and more heartaches. Things has passed and I have to accept that. I've change, people had left and friends have changed. It's time for me to start a new year. A new life. A new me. A new story, a better one with more amazing memorable chapters of amazing stories in it. I have grown, I have the right to be happy so cheers to the pass for giving me permission to let go of it and thanks to the future for pulling me into it and thank god I'm still breathing for another day to face what ever that will hit me next. I'm ready for this. 2012, give me the best you got. No, I won't forget to bring the good memories with me from 2011 to 2012. These are the things that I'll cherish my whole life. So here goes nothing!

yours truly, riri

it's over, deal with it.

It's been awhile. Enough riri, it's officially over. You're done. He's not coming back for you. I'm okay with that. We could still be bestfriends and I like it that way and I hope for it to be that way. I'm just scared it's just words, empty meaningless words. The last thing I need is for people I love to lie to me. I know, there's nothing more than this, no miracle will happen no more. It just felt so quick. Like it was just yesterday we were together and BOOM! It's already a month since our break up. So I guess I'll say bye to my daydreams of him. I'll save my heart for someone who cares and hopefully, that someone won't leave me.

yours truly,riri


I am Rapunzel but my story is different. I'm stuck in a tower so tall with my long black hair but the thing is, it ain't long enough. People needed to climb stairs to get to me. And trust me, it takes hours to reach me. It's easy to know who loves me and who loves me not. The ones who never complain are always the ones who would do anything to see me. But there were never much, only a few. The amount of people who care could be counted by fingers. I've always waited and wish for a prince to come find me. Save me and love me as we live happily ever after but every prince who came never reach out to me. They always seem to give up before they even get here. Days by days pass, lonely is the only word that could describe how I feel.


A frog came to see me. Can you imagine, a frog would want to see me more badly than a prince? I was touched. That frog made me smile always from then on. It came everyday and it never complained. One day I was so devastated but still, it managed to make me smile. I gave it a kiss and it turned out to be a "HE" not an "IT". He was adorable to begin with. He told me that he was cursed and the only way he could change back to normal was to get a kiss from, not a normal princess, but a princess who believes in miracles, who believes things would get better sooner or later and that princess turned out to be me.

I couldn't believe what I heard but it was bloody true. We were so happy together. No more loneliness felt just nothing but happiness till one day, things seemed to be different. He changed and his feelings for me fades day by day. We were supposed to get married but he walked away before we could even get ready for it. And again, I, the princess was left alone, lonely. Days went by and I heard nothing from him. I was again, stuck in that tower without freedom. Everyday digging my face in my pillow and shouting "What did I do wrong?!".  I'm sorry but this Rapunzel, haven't found her happy ending yet.

yours truly,riri

away from relationships.

And to be honest, I miss being in a relationship but what can I do right? I just suck in this relationship thingy. I hate how I've rejected the nicest guys I know. It's not that I don't accept them because of how they look or anything. No, that's definitely not it. I just can't handle being dump for the same old stupid reason again. Oh no, it's not the guy's fault, it might probably be mine. Every guy I've been with before keeps telling me the same thing and it often ends up the other way around. It's not that I don't believe in love, I just don't believe in guys nowadays. The thing about guys is, they easily get bored and they want to meet you often. The thing about me is, I'm used to long distance relationships but most of the guys I got stuck to doesn't and I can't go out/hang around easily since my parents are very strict. No guy have ever accepted that fact about my life before.

I don't wanna fall for some one so hard again when I know that he'll leave me for the same reason as the others. It's just tiring, you know what I mean? It's hard but I'll try. I know I'm different and yes, I do hate how almost all the guys I've fallen with can't accept me as I am. so I'm done with that. Till my parents would trust me enough to let me hang without "parental guidance", I'll be single. inshaaAllah

yours truly,riri

changed and still changing.


I'll let people who wanna come in with a welcome. Those who left I'll never forget. Those who stay I'll always appreciate. Things will always change and I'll grow up but I won't lose myself again. I am me and this is how I'll be from now on. I'll stick to my guns and stand on my own to feet. No need for you to carry me. I can handle this. I'll put a pause in relationships for now. I'm gonna focus on my dreams and hell yeah no one can stop me. I know I might have some scratches here and there but never will I let anyone break me again like before. I've become stronger. Kick me while I'm down and I'll break your leg. I could stand up for myself now. No, I no longer will give anyone permission to step on my head. Ihis time i'm serious. Yeah I could be nice but mess with me and you'll get it from me. May I be a better person from now on, inshaaAllah

yours truly,riri

2011 people.

As always, I believe that when one leaves, another will come. When a great one goes, a better one will arrive.

This 2011, I've lost most of my closest friends in such a short time but I've also met new people and made new friends. I found people who actually cares about me and hopefully, they won't leave me like the rest. Let's start with people who I got to know on facebook :- Syuhada Zainudin, Ira Rahim, Mohd Hakim, Nasri Nasir. All from Shah Alam except for Ira. She's from Cheras. The ones who has helped me alot in SSP would be Munira Adila, Marsya Syamsul, Lidiya and a few more that names I can't remember. Sorry. One of the best bestfriends of my 2011 would be Afiqah Hana. I met her in twitter. Like oh my geek, she's so effin awesome! Don't forget, this was the year where I got really close to Reynaaaah, Nunue and Yusliana. I don't know what could I do without them. They complete my life and inshaaAllah this friendship will last :)

yours truly,riri

2011 memories.

And to be honest, I can't recall the good times that I've had in 2011. Not because there's too many but because there's not that much. Again I repeat, 2011 has been really hard for me. Almost having a mental breakdown, it's sickening. I guess a few of  the good memories I had were when I got the chance to go to SSP, the first time I met si awesome, the time when I hang at Reynah's house with Demyy, everything that happen at my jamuan hari raya, and my hols with rara at Melaka. Okay that's really not much kan? See how miserable I've been? Okay I was joking. I'm not that miserable, kinda. I just can't remember much awesome things that happened. So I guess that's just it for my good memories.

What? You wanna know the bad ones?

Well first of all, I got bullied at school the first three months and it seems like everybody was trying to pick a fight with me somehow. I now know how such imbeciles haters are and how to not let them ruin my life. My bestfriend and I turned into strangers. My family almost fell apart. Things that happened around me were too hard for me to handle. I lost a lot of my friends. I became nothing more than a troublemaker. I disappointed my parents. People let me go so easily. My parents don't trust me no more. I'll stop here. Guess this is enough

yours truly,riri

new years resolutions.

My new years resolution is just simple. All I want is to be......*drum roll*
 Yes that's all that I want to be and all that I need to be. One thing I'm sure of, 2011 have thought me a lot and I've changed a lot too. Things are different now and my family's condition is not like before. Things seems to be gotten worst and now all I can try to do is to fix myself and try to make things work. InshaaAllah things will get better. I really gotta focus on my studies, Alhamdulillah I still got to stay in the Kelas Rancangan Khas but I know it myself that I won't last there if I don't put an effort to it. Things have gotten a lot more harder for me this year and I hope I could at least try and make it easier for me next year. I know that i'm still young and should be having fun by now but I can't be distracted. I gotta start thinking about the future. Some things ain't coming twice.

Friday, 30 December 2011

friends come, friends go, friends leave me all alone.

I was the new kid in 2009, the cool kid in 2010, the miserable kid in 2011.

2010 was honestly, full of shit but to be honest, it was okay. 2010 ended up to be really great. Yeah sure there’s a few ups and downs here and there, I mean that’s life right? But it wasn’t as bad as 2011. I met and made lots of new friends in 2010. I found myself again. By that I mean my crazy-awesome-self.  Crushes and gossips. Besties, friends and enemies. Teachers and parents. Oh I was just another troublemaker to my parents and I got scolded a lot but it somehow didn’t mattered that much to me because no matter what,my oh-so-amazing-bestfriends were always there for me. I felt like this was my place, I have changed and I like it that way. 2010 was full of memories. It was like I could trust every kid I saw. My friends and besties would never ever change and leave me as soon as they got new friends


2011 came and everything went upside down. Those who I thought would stay, left me. It was like everybody found someone else and automatically I wasn't as important to them like before. Neglected. bestfriends became strangers and most of my friends became enemies somehow. I'm not sure was it my own fault or was it something that usually happens to every thirteen year old since we "grow up" and have these new interests and all. It's like everybody's supposed to change but some didn't. I swear to god, I appreciate those who didn't, those who stay, those who was there for me when I was at my lowest. The rest, the ones who left me and threw me away, no hard feelings, just may Allah bless you. Yes, maybe you guys are better off without me so I'll let it be.

yours truly,riri

i believe, too much at times.

To be honest, I hate how naive I could get. I just believe too much and I'm so gullible. In my mind, it's like everybody's innocent. It's like even though that person's a total jerkass, he/she stills deserves  a second chance to be a better person. I just hate how almost everything I believe in, ends up being just another big fat lie. I can't deny that sometimes I tend to hurt myself by playing alone with all this. Acting as if everything's gonna be fine even though I know it myself, that it won't. I guess at times, I just can't handle the truth so I let myself to live in lies while it lasts. I realised the, all I am is lost.

yours truly,riri

hello school.

My holidays weren't as awesome as I thought it would be and now school is about to start. If only I didn't have to go to no school. If only I could afford to get a teacher to teach me at home- I mean home school. Oh thats just too much, too expensive. I should just be grateful that at least I could afford to buy books and learned in a normal school like everyone else. Unlike some unfortunate people. I hate every single first day of school. Damn I really hate that. Making new friends and wtv shit. Making new friends, is something that I consider as really hard, for someone anti-social like me. Knowing that none of my besties would be in the same class as me, it makes it harder for me to face my first day.

I just hope that everything will turn A-Okay. I mean, cut me some slack will ya? My first day of school in 2011 was pure "magnificent" shit, pathetic I tell ya. Please let things go my way for once. Please.
yours truly, riri

was it just another show?

I guess somethings are better of unsaid, they say ignorance is bliss.

So I got to know a side of him that I never knew even exist, or did I? Maybe I did knew that side of him, I mean I knew what I was getting into long time ago. Guess I just never actually cared  that much about that other side of him, maybe I was just too blind by love that time. I knew it was gonna hit me sooner or later but why am I so surprised when it did? I guess i just got too caught up with my happily-ever-after-daydreams that I lost touch with reality. Maybe he did all this to make me feel better or maybe I changed him into someone better? Who knows.....just maybe.

Somehow I can't stop thinking positively when it comes to him. Deep inside, I believe that he wanted me to know that he could be a good guy, for me. That all guys are not the same. Maybe thats why we last long. Well not that long lah, but long enough. Maybe I was special, maybe the side he showed me was a side that not even his friends know about. Maybe just maybe, I'm different from all the girls he knows, in a good way I mean.

But what if... everything's not as it seems? What if he is just like all those other guys I've been with before? What if all this was just another show, an act, a big lie. So here I am as the main character in a not-so-magical- fairytale where happy endings doesn't exist and where the princess gets dump by the so-called prince every time. I guess it's just another unanswered question. I could ask him but.....naah I'm scared I'll hear what I don't want to. Even worst, if I can't handle the truth and suddenly a mental breakdown occur to me.

Well, things happen for a reason.

yours truly, riri

Thursday, 22 December 2011

time for me to let go.

I put his name as "si awesome". I thought I would just let it be that way but than Rara told me it was better if I changed it to his real name since this name I gave him reminds me of too much memories.

It was hard at first but see up there? I did it. No more si awesome, just hakim. Yeah hakim.

I put him as my fav contact but my friends keep telling me how I should remove it.

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it or not.

Still hesitating..

In the end, I remove his number from my favourite.

So here was the hardest part but also the most important one. I had no choice but to delete our old conversations even though I obviously didn't want to.

I mean, we're friends now so I can't keep all those texts. It would be stupid of me to keep it all cause that would somehow make me devastated if I keep on reading it. So sad I gotta delete it.

I had to and I did.

And I waited which seems like almost forever.

And waited. I was like why is this taking so long? then I realised, we had really text each other a lot and I've kept too many messages.

It was about to finish and I had the urge to press cancel but, I couldn't. This was for my own good. So I just had to let it go.

So there you have it. Everything, deleted. No more sweet texts. Just us as friends. Yeah I let go.

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

lonely, that's all.

to be honest, sometimes I do get lonely. I hate how I get so sad and lonely at night. It's just that stupid empty feeling keeps rushing into me at times when I really wish that it wouldn't. I guess I just got too caught up with all my imaginations of having a fairytale with that so called "happy ending". I gotta be crazy when I thought that one day maybe he would be the one that I would marry. Hah what a bunch of boloney. I've met a couple of really kind and sweet guys a few months ago but no, I won't be in a relationship with any of them anytime soon. I'm just way too complicated. I can't bear to see the ones who love me get hurt because of my own doings. Anyways, I have had it with being dump with such unreasonable reasons. It makes me feel pathetic. Guys should think a million times before ever asking me to be his girlfriend (if there's any I mean). To be honest, I know and believe that I'm different than any other thirteen-year-old-girl. In a good plus bad way. Confusing yeah I know. I don't wanna be with any guy. One day that guy that I somehow just can't stop myself from falling for, will come and when it happens it'll happen :)

yours truly,riri

vacation come to me.

I really need a vacation. I'm talking about a real one where I don't need to think about school or problems. I wanna sleep late and wake up late. I wanna stay in bed or lay on the beach. I wanna be problem free and forget about the world for awhile. I'm tired of doing chores and thinking too much. My mind is killing me. I, AM, KILLING, ME. I just wanna smile again like before, you know what I mean? I don't wanna get too stress out and end up looking so old than my actual age. I just wanna run free. I just want things to be just like before. I know its too much to ask but that's all I want.

yours truly,riri

Friday, 9 December 2011

i'll save us & what we had.

Sometimes I get tired and so very insecure when people keeps comparing me to you. It's like everybody melts when they see you. You're beautiful and you should know that. I'm the girl that people call names and you're the one who people wants. You know that feeling when people pick someone else over you?

Enough with that, I already ran from the topic. I know I've been a jerk lately, I really am sorry. I don't know what's up with me lately. Maybe I've kept this feeling for way too long. I've been patient and I tried to be more patient but who am I trying to kid? Sooner or later the truth must be told and secrets would be revealed. At times I get jealous and you know me right? I am not the person who gets easily jealous so when I start to get jealous, trust me, you really do mean a lot to me. I know I've been ignoring you and I know it hurts but it hurts me more. I've been caring too much about people's feeling that at times I neglect to take care of my own feelings. It's not your fault. Everything bad that happens to me would probably be my own fault. I might be childish at times but I'm mature enough to take responsibility for my own actions.

I thought I could go on like this but no, nothing is worth doing if it means I'll be losing you. I repeat, NOTHING. I want us to go back to the way we were. I don't mind if you love her more, it's okay because you and I know that no one could ever replace me. I don't wanna leave you alone. Not after all that we've been through. I know how it feels to be all alone and I'm not gonna let you go through all this shit alone. I'm here for you no matter what. I'm scared that if one day she'll end up picking E over you, you'll break into pieces. If that happens, I wanna be there for you. You deserve better. Baby you're like the sister I never had. Through thick or thin, I'll never leave. You got my back and I got yours. In a matter of time when E has no one to go to she'll probably go to F and you know it yourself that F would pick E over you right? But don't rack your brains thinking about it because I'll forever be by your side :) I'll put my jealousy aside, things like this are far more important than taking care of my own feelings. Correction: you are far more important and I'm okay with that.

yours truly,riri

again, things are falling apart.

So I guess your post was about me, obviously.

You wanna know what's so special about si awesome? Well read this again and again till you get tired :- HE WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN YOU GUYS WEREN'T. 

 It breaks me to know that you two think that way about me. I thought out of all the people I know, at least you two would understand. Again, I stand corrected. I wish I could tell you why he seems so special to me but as best friends, you two should've known why already. To be honest I treated you like I always do. You two were the one who treated me differently. When there's three people, there's always one who gets left out and in this situation, I am the one who's left out. At least you two have each other to talk to when you're not please with me but what about me? I have only myself to talk to. Since we're bestfriends, I try my best not to tell anyone about the problems we have 'cause the last thing I need is for people to judge my bestfriends. I don't even talk back or bad about you two on twitter but if this is the case then fine by me. I don't blame any of you if we don't work out as friends. I just hope you won't regret losing me one day if this keeps going on.

I can't believe you believe that this friendship won't last long. I have never thought that way, NEVER. Isn't this devastating? How could bestfriends, not any kind of bestfriends but US, be against each other. Everything seems so janked up lately. If you don't wanna try to understand what i'm going through then fine. I don't need people who doesn't really care to act like they care. I love you two with all my heart, really. If I'm too complicated for you, it's never too late to end this and leave. I've walked alone before. Yes it's scary and like yeah I don't wanna go through it again but I don't mind if things are meant to be this way. Sooner or later things will finally go my way, things will get better. InshaaAllah. 

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

friends ignored.

I've been ignoring almost all of my oh-so-awesome-besties lately. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm just tired, I wanna hide from everyone if I can. I ignore my best friends but not all those strangers on facebook. No it's not because I've forgotten about my oh-so-amazing-friends but I just don't want them to worry about me. I don't ignore strangers on facebook because they don't know me that well to know if I'm hurting or so and that's good because to them, I'm just another normal problem-free teenager. I don't want them to know me as much as my amazing best friends do. I'm sorry for ignoring you, best friends. I've been really messed up lately and I know that you guys have your own problems so I don't wanna burden you guys. Yes, I know that bestfriends are supposed to burden each other with each others problem but what I'm going through here is something I gotta let out face to face, not facebook/twitter or etc. Maybe one day, when I meet you guys again, I'll tell you everything. I just can't now. sorry

yours truly,riri

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

promises unbroken.

Happy to know that the promises that I thought we had never made was actually made. Happier to know that we never broke it.

Things I always believe :- "people come and people go", "things happens for a reason", "when a good one leaves, a better one will come", "one day, things will get better" and a few more that I forgot about. hehe. So here's the thing, I thought it would end up like every other sad and pathetic break up story but no, it would never end up that way. Things have gotten better. I got a text from him a few days ago. He said he misses me too. That got me to cloud9 for a minute but of course, I won't take it too seriously. We're just friends after all. Remember how I've said that we never actually made any promises to each other before? We actually, secretly, have. Yeah it's weird but let me explain how.

Like I said a million times, I would always love him and like he always said, he would always be there for me. Somehow even if there's no "I promise" in both of those sentence, it still seems like a promise to me. Even if we're not together anymore, doesn't mean this promise has been broken. You see, he's always gonna be there for me and I believe that. All I need to do is ring him, and he'll help me. I'm sure of that. So yeah I didn't lie about me, always gonna love him because I do love him and always will. Just now, I'll love him as a friend, a bestfriend. Weird but amazing how little things like this could actually be considered as promises. I love us, I seriously do. Only Allah knows how grateful I am to at least still have this friendship between him and me. All I can say is syukur Alhamdulillah :)

yours truly,riri

Monday, 5 December 2011

stop falling.

I can't fall for anyone. No, not anymore, not for now. It's not that I've given up already, it's just..well I have my own reasons. I don't mind getting hurt again and again and again but I prefer not to be in such a pathetic situation. I'm way too complicated, for anyone. At times even I don't understand why I'm so like this. One thing about me is, I fall too fast and when I do, damn I fall so hard it hurts me so badly. I hate how I gotta think so many times before I accept someone. I can't stop myself from falling for someone but hey, I could try and ignore that feeling. Things aren't going my way lately, I haven't got over you-know-who yet but I've accepted the fact that we're just friends. Now and forever- never more never less. I know there's someone better for me out there. Sometimes all the reasons why we shouldn't be together are already written on the wall but maybe I'm just too love drunk to see it. I'm not broken or anything still. I can't deny at times the empty feeling came rushing into me, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just miss the routine we had. Falling for someone, falling in love, taking the risk of getting hurt in the end- this is something I don't wanna go through with now. One thing about people who are single is, they somehow have a crush on almost everybody and I'm one of those people. I'm just afraid I would not just have a crush on someone but I would end up falling in love too. I should really not get too close with any guy, any guy at all.

yours truly,riri

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

second chances.

You know that song 'Rocketeer' by Far East Movement? I bet you do. Wanna know something? That song somehow makes me believe again, believe in myself. It somehow inspires me in some ways.

Okay I'll put that a side now. So do you believe in second chances? I do. I believe that everyone, I repeat EVERYONE deserves a second chance. For me, it's easy to give people second chances. In fact, I don't mind giving more than that but some people keeps misusing those chances I give and for that, I get tired of giving chances. Why do people do that? Why the hell take advantage of things? I don't ask for much, just for people to appreciate me. At times I ask myself is it so hard to say "thankyou"?

One problem about me is, I can't stop believing that people could change. I believe that I mean something to them. I believe that every time I give someone a second chance or so, they would be better than before but at times things just gets worst. I hate how some people keeps messing with my feelings/ hurting me and so and so just because they know that I would give them another chance to make things better even when I know that they won't.

yours truly,riri .

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

all alright with a pinch of emptiness.

And I'm alright. I'm okay with this. I realised that I somehow is becoming the girl that I used to be, that eleven-year-old me. ya Allah please don't let me be that girl again. No I don't want it to happen yet it seems like it is happening. No I would not turn back to the girl that trusted no one and kept everything to herself. I'll be stronger, I know I will, yes I will. At times like this, I just wanna be alone. I'm sorry if I stop texting or answering any calls. I'm just tired. I'm building up the walls again, waiting for the one who would crash it down. I'm okay by myself. I've set everything. No more getting to attach with anybody. Not you or even you. I'm done with all these things for awhile. No i'm not giving up, I'm not broken but I just need some time. So for now, you guys could say goodbye to me for I will not be contacting any of you. I know it's stupid for me to say this but I will be waiting for the one who's gonna make me put my walls down. I'm gonna wait for someone who actually cares whether or not I'm okay. Here I am waiting. Here I am NOT expecting anyone to care.

yours truly,riri

my last week of school.

3:42a.m and I'm still not a sleep. I cried I cried I cried and I cried. I just felt awkward being all alone.


So it's the last day of school. I came at 1 something, late as always. typical me. The first two person I saw were demmy and reynah. Only Allah knows how happy I was to see them with their beautiful smile. Today wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. I guess it's because most of our friends didn't came to school so it felt quite weird. We took a few pictures and chat. Nothing interesting happened I think. Maybe because it was raining? It almost like everyone were being so emo, especially me of course. We wanted to make that shout out vid for miyyo but Nunue's DSLR's battery died. Demmy ask me something that automatically made me cried. I don't know why. I can't believe I cried, I felt so embarrassed. I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I mean what could I possible do? I'm not that strong. I gotta thank them for being there for me :')

You wanna know what happened today? Shit happened. Yes, I repeat shit happened.

So it's Saturday and I had my Jamuan Kelas at KFC/Pizza Hut. You know that one in front of Metro Point Kajang? Yeah so I was late and I didn't know where to go, thank god Arif was there to help me. I waited for about 30 minutes just to order and by that time Nunue arrived so she joined me. To be honest almost everything I ate/drank today was paid by Nunue. Awwwh she's so nice :') I kinda felt like it was just an outing for me and Nunue because everybody else left to do what they want. It was like we were separated into groups. I don't mind. So there I was with Nunue, talking walking and gossiping. haha. Kay that's not nice. Nunue went back first so there I was, ALONE. You know what's sweet? The fact that Fir was coming just because I said I was lonely there. He's such a nice guy but too bad, my mum came before he arrive. I felt so guilty. So so guilty.

Btw I text si awesome today and I felt okay. I mean he helped a lot for listening to me complain about life. Being friends is alright I guess. It's just I hate that empty feeling I get whenever we end the conversation. I hate goodbye's. I swear I hate the word "bye"/"goodbye". It hurts more than anything. Still, lets look on the bright side, anytime soon there would once again be a "hello".

Todays date is beautiful :') I went to The Curve because my brother and his friends had planned a surprise birthday party for one of his close friends. I met this guy wearing red-checkered shirt which was........ no I won't continue my sentence.

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

i haven't lost him.

My brother seems a little worried since I keep saying "eih this movie makes me sad, change it. eh this song makes me feel like I wanna cry, change it. Eih stop singing that song it makes me feel down." and he's like "eeeh why everything makes you sad ni?". Lololololo me brother so lah the caring one maaa. Nah don't worry about me, I'm okay. Like seriously I am. I slept late yesterday and the day before that and also today, it sucks when I can't sleep. So I won't try and forget everything because I just can't but I won't keep reminding myself of it too. I have to thank my brother for making me feel better by making me laugh and etc.

So here's the thing, I ain't gonna turn back to my eleven-year-old-self again, it hurts to be in that condition. For three years I've lose myself; I became someone else, someone thats not me. By that I mean unhappy. I was always the happiest girl on the block. Then I met si awesome, also known as Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh and that is when everything changed. I found myself again, I could never be more happier. He changed me :) At first I thought I was losing him but then again, I'm not. He's still here for me. Well yeah I'll always love him, one day as a friend.

Oh yeah about me not losing him. By that I mean, well, that's what I mean lah. We're friends. Hey it's cool for us to be friends rather than not talking to each other anymore. He's a great guy. I have to think positive. Anyway, maybe it's better off this way. To be honest, I'm quite surprised that he's okay with me going to him if I have a problem or just need a friend to talk to. I mean how awesome is that right? This is enough to make me feel okay, so much better than never contacting each other again. Well he didn't lied about him always going to be there for me and I appreciate that. It turns out I'm not that complicated but what we have here is. Not in a bad way of course but in a confusing way but also in an awesome way.

The girl who he will fall in love with next would be so lucky. I hope the next girl who would be with him would treat him right because that's what he deserves.

InshaaAllah everything will be okay. Yeah I love him :)

yours truly,riri

Sunday, 13 November 2011


I didn't listen to what others said and even worst, I didn't listen to myself-to my heart. Well all unanswered question has been answered. No need for me to be insecure anymore for I've known want I wanted to know. I got what I deserve. Oh no,no more heartaches :) I shouldn't be worried about anything anymore. Like always, I believed that everything happens for a reason. Yeah we're not together anymore but at least we're still friends, we could be best friends. No problemo.

The other thing that I believe is that phrase "people come and people go" and honestly I've seen a lot of people who came and left my life like it was really that easy. I've prepared myself for something like this to happen and I'm okay. It would be immature for me to say that I hate him for leaving because I don't. Like I have said before, I'll always love him. If not more than a friend, than I'll love him as a friend. No, it wouldn't be nice to say bad things about him because he's a great guy. He had changed me and I'm glad that he did. As I've said before I'm forever unbroken. This might be the end of our relationship but it's the beginning of our friendship.

He would never find anyone like me and I will never find someone like him but inshaaAllah we would find someone better for ourselves. It would be a lie to say that I'm not devastated about what happened but I'm gonna go with the flow. Sooner or later I'll get over it. He's really a nice guy I tell you and I appreciate all that he has done for me. Thanks to all the sweet things he has said or made me experience. I would never hate him, again I repeat.

I guess some are surprised that we broke up well they're not the only one because I, myself is still surprise. Just like a dream, it happened so fast. I was quite shocked that all the random things that I tweeted about relationships kinda backfired me. Like how is that possible? Well it is. I hope those girls out there who have had their hearts broken, would read this and maybe be inspired? I mean we should always remember that there's always good in bad things that happens. Maybe I won't see it now but one day I will.

yours truly,riri


4:38pm - 13/11/11 = The end.
The amount of posts about him, about us, about what used to be.
Just click on any of the title below.

 24 SEPTEMBER 2011.

Arranged all these posts in ascending order so the new ones are put below and the old ones are on the top. Like whoah I've talk a lot about him, well it doesn't really surprise me.
yours truly,riri

ciao bella.

Dear readers, hello to the non-Muslims and Assalamualaikum to the Muslims.
Let me introduce you to Afiqah Hana . Okay whaaaat? Why so proper? haha
I met this beautiful awesome 13-year-old-girl on twitter.

Our friendship was honestly unexpected. Just like every other relationship, everything started with just a "hello". I'd never expected that we would get so attached with each other. Never saw it coming but it did. I don't know why but somehow I got a feeling that we were meant to be friends. I remembered the first time she asks what was up with me because my tweets that time was so emo-like. The weirdest thing was, I told her everything, EVERYTHING. It was quite amazing how comfortable I was with her. I'm not the kind of girl who tells my problems in detail to someone who I recently know. I'm the kind who likes to keep it to myself, that only my CLOSEST friends I would tell it to but she was different to me, she's like the twitter friend I've never had. Okay I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was, I've never met someone my age, that's a girl, on any social websites that could understand me like we've been friends since well, forever. I'm really touched by the way she cares so much about me :')

I swear, the guy who gets her is gonna be really lucky. She's the sweetest girl ever. Mygeek, only Allah knows how much I appreciate her, how much she means to me. yeah I know we recently got to know each other but I really love her <3 she's the greatest most amazing friend any girl could ever have. It would be a big lost to those who left her and to those who hurt her feelings should really be kick in the ass. She's awesome and beautiful the way she is, don't you ever dare to try and bring her down. She is REAL. Someone as kind and caring as her doesn't deserve to be treated like shit. She's helped me a lot and it kinda makes me feel guilty to know it myself that I haven't help her that much but still iloveyouforevernomatterwhatcupcake :*  :*

yours truly, riri

Thursday, 10 November 2011

come as you are.

Little things like this, little sweet memories like this are the ones that keeps me going. That makes me believe that there would always be something between us. This is the guy I love, the guy who I wanna always be with. No there won't be any specific word or phrase that could relate with my feelings towards him. He might not be the greatest guy in the world but he's the greatest to me. Of course we had our moments, our ups and downs but that's just how love is. I know I've been really like ergh lately but I shouldn't be. I mean I should understand him more. : look at him, his friends who have girlfriends and boyfriends always gets to meet each other, most of them I mean. Then there's him, who BARELY gets to meet me. I should be grateful that he still chooses to stay. I know my lifestyle is a little complicated but he understands and I love him for that. I shouldn't try and find or figure out his flaws and faults that he has done.

I'm looking at the bright side and from this perspective, he's perfect. All the things we've been through. So yeah there's changes here and there but I'll get used to it. For now, having him by my side is all I want and all I need. I honestly want this to last no matter how I complain or say I don't want to, believe me- I LIE. I know once a relationship breaks, no matter how close they are or were - things would never be the same. Forget the heartaches and whatsoever, I don't wanna lose him. I don't wanna regret anything. I don't wanna be the one who cries because of my own mistake. I love him for him. I would never want him to change because who he is now,is the guy who I fell in love with before and still would be deeply in love with in the future.

As always, I will always love you Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh :*

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

cried all night.

I was thinking about him, thinking about her, thinking about them, thinking about me. What have I done to myself I keep asking. How in the world did I get myself into such a situation, I don't even know. It's not that I think too much, but I feel too much. It's hard. Everything's getting so hard for me. Maybe it's just me,maybe I'm the one who's making things more complicated but I can't help myself. At times I think I deserve better but who am I to judge. It's now four in the morning and I'm still crying my lungs out. I don't know what my problem is. I guess I just miss someone, I miss the good moments I used to have. You know those moments when I didn't think too much and everything seems to fall right into place, that moment when nobody went away from me or leave me hanging with false hope. You know what I mean?

I'm crying about him and I'm crying  about friends. Ya Allah,why do I have to be so complicated. At times it's like I'm the only reason why my life is getting worst. I'm the reason that I'm not happy. I'm messing up myself. Ya Allah, please I need to meet him so badly. Ya Allah, I need to get things right with her. Ya Allah, I need to get back what I used to have with them. Ya Allah, please I really need to get my head straight. Please, all I need is one night without crying, one day without hurting, one week without heartache. That's all.

yours truly,riri

Monday, 7 November 2011

hello & sorry.

Waking up with swollen eyes, that's what I get for crying all night.

So I called him. I said I was sorry, I told him I love him. Talking as always, is just too hard for me. I wanted to say so much. I've even set and arranged everything neatly and systematically in my head but nothing went out. Not that I was scared, okay maybe a bit, but that wasn't the reason. It's just as soon as I heard his voice on the other line, I just kinda froze. My heart felt like it was about to explode, I was suddenly speechless as if a cat had caught my tongue. Everything felt like it had stop. I fell into an awkward silent moment and it felt as if every clock in the house had stop ticking. I took a deep breath, and finally I said "hello"

I guess it's just been awhile since I last called him or heard his voice. Maybe I was just nervous or feeling a little bit awestruck? After I said "bye", those tears filling my eyes started falling down my cheeks and at that time, I felt so dead somehow. I've been keeping myself in control to not cry while I was talking to him but I guess I just couldn't take it any more. I can't believe that I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down. Of course I act as if I was laughing when we were texting, using "HAHA" to show as if I was happily laughing when I was actually crying alone. I just gotta suck it up, and continue my daily life as always.

yours truly,riri

gained and lost.

Honestly, I miss 2010. 2011 is full of shit.

But I gotta admit, I've learned a lot of things that no teacher could teach at school this twentyeleven. I've changed a lot since I became a secondary school student. I just hate the fact that I could be so naive at times. I put my hopes too high and trust almost everyone,in the end I end up with nothing but heartache. So I'm done with that. I've learned to stand on my own two feet. Done with stupid high expectations; done with disappointments.

I now don't expect for any of my friends to stay in my life. I'll appreciate those who choose to stay and I'll remember those who left. I hate the fact that people come and people go but I can't do anything about it. It's devastating  how those people who I once thought would be the one who would always be there for me are usually the ones who are the first to leave. It's okay, people have the right to choose. I'll just go with the flow, what's going to happen will happen. I'm tired of plans and I'm learning to just let the day take me by the hand. 2011 broke me but at the same time turned me into someone stronger. I'm tired of expecting too much, I'm tired of letting myself down and I'm tired of being tired.

yours truly,riri

i miss the old you & the old me.

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I know me and I know that I could be really complicated at times. I wish I wasn't but I am. That's just how I am and because of that, I do appreciate those who could stand me. I notice how we're no longer like before. What happened to us? I guess this might all be my fault too. Honestly, I miss you, I really do. I know I could really annoy you at times and maybe I'm not the best for you. I don't know whether you're already tired with my attitude and I wish you would say something to me, maybe something I wanna hear? I just want to know if you're tired and you're leaving or if you know that I'm really complicated but that's okay for you because you love me anyway.

I miss that guy I knew that was always here for me. I miss that guy who sent me that "baby please don't go, if I wake up tomorrow will you still be here" text when I told him that I was going to boarding school. I miss the guy that I called on 5/6/11 after hours of crying because of family problems because I know that he'll make me smile somehow. I miss that guy that used to text me almost everyday at as early as 8:30 pm when we first knew each other. I miss that guy who was always worried if someone took me away from him;who once seem like he was really into me. That guy that asked me why's my name so cute. That guy that said "asal you tak cakap you pergi concert justin bieber?kalau tak dah lama I pergi" even when he had told me before that he dislike JB. That guy who I kicked at that cheer leading competition which was also the first time I've been there because I really wanted to meet him. That time when I langgar him and he was like "siot terkejut" which fyi was so cute. That time when I stepped on his awesome purple shoes, the way he looked at me and they way he held my hand. That guy who came all the way from Shah Alam to Kajang just to meet me. Yes, that guy who I really miss.

You know what? I don't ever want to give up on you and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt your feelings or did anything wrong. I really love you with all my heart froggymeowmeow. "yeah, I will always be by your side and support you whenever :D " remember this? I know I do, I'll always do.

yours truly,riri

Thursday, 27 October 2011

it's our thing.

I'm not trying to be sweet or saying this because it's a couple thing. I'm saying this because this is real and it's really from the bottom of my heart. So we're different from any other couples that I've seen in my life before. He's different, I'm different- we're both different but that's what makes us awesome. I know some might look at us weirdly as some might think that we're cute together but in the end it's about what we think of each other. Just like anyone else,we got flaws and faults towards each other. Maybe we have things that we might dislike about each other but we could try and tolerate with each others behavior. We could find better people yet we still chose each other,ain't that something for ya?

I've made the decision and my answer was no and honestly, I'm glad that was my answer. I mean who was I trying to kid? Myself? I'll take him as he is, I love him for him. I know some might not like my decision but maybe this time what I had decide on is right. Maybe it's not a mistake. Guess what? Yesterday when I was about to call him and said those things that would really not just break his heart but mine too, suddenly my phone went berserk. I couldn't open it and I thought to myself that maybe this is a sign. This is THAT sign that I prayed for Allah to show me. We have this thing, this indescribable thing that only both of us knows about, that only we would understand.

Like I've said before, what we have is quite out of the ordinary just like a miracle or something so magical even though it seems just like another very-ordinary-daily-thing for others. It's like a secret we both share. Every time something bad happens or at times when I feel like we're falling apart, something really awesome would happen. I swear I tell you. It's something so overwhelming. Something that I really don't wanna let go of. It's a story of us. It's me and him. If only I could explain to those people who doubt what we have about how much this means to me and all the reasons why I love him. We're not normal, we're extraordinary. Yeah.

My dear Mohd Hakim bin Khairul Salleh, as always I do love you.

yours truly,riri

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

it's time.

Things are going okay. I'm quite hurt somehow. I don't know what's up with me but rara and si awesome makes it better so I'm thankful for that. I'm quite okay I guess but somehow I feel strange, it's like something bad is heading my way. And guess what? Something bad was heading my way. Yesterday I got a call from Reynah and she told me something that I swear I thought would be the last thing I would hear from anyone especially her. I can't believe what I heard but I guess I just gotta face the fact that what she said, it was real, it was real. I know Reynah and no, she would never lie to me. Even though what I heard was over what I'd expected to hear,I kinda could relate. I mean anything could happen right? the most hardest part is when I needed to decide. Either I leave or stay with this person that have the similarities to the last person who traumatised me.

So tonight will be the night that I'll be making my life miserable by making the biggest (maybe actually for my own good) decision. Is it yes or no, I'm still hesitating. Ya Allah, please give me a sign to show me what I should really decide on before it's too late. I know if I say yes, maybe this would be the end of everything I've ever wanted. As always, thing's happen for a reason. If it's gonna happen, then it will. I don't wanna be living in regret at the same time maybe regret is what I need. Answering YES would mean that I can't take this guy as he is and I'm not good enough for him. Why? have you ever heard of the phrase "if that person doesn't love you for who you are, that person isn't good enough for you"? that's why. I know people would think that I'm judgmental by now but they don't know the reason why and they don't know my story.

Dear Riri, once you make the decision just remember that there is no turning back. It's time it's really your turn to decide. Be ready to cry tonight.

yours truly, riri

6 incredible months.

22/10/11 -So we finally got through with all these obstacles for 6 months and we're still together. I honestly don't know what to say. I'm just speechless. This six months have been great even though we've changed a little. In shaa Allah everything will be okay. I don't know when will be the next time we'll meet and hopefully soon. I can't plan anything since my parents don't let me hang out unless they're there or if I'm eighteen or so. I guess I just gotta deal with it. I'm falling really hard for this guy and the harder I fall the more worried I get. Worried with what's going to happen next. I know I shouldn't be because I should just let the day take me by the hand. Things will be alright and we'll be fine. Btw I realised something, our special days always have the number "2" in it. for example:- I became his girlfriend on the 22th April, we first met on the 24th July, last met on the 24th September. Pretty awesome.

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

finally fourteen.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to si kepeng, happy birthday to you.

Gosh you're fourteen now? Like pfft, fourteen? Seriously fourteen? You gotta be pulling my leg here. fourteen? WTH fourteen? ceeh mcm cari pasal pulak. Okay so you're fourteen. I've known you all my life and to see you grow up, oh it's so beautiful to me *being the dram queen that I am.* You're no longer a child now, you could finally eat without putting food inside your nose; I'm so proud of you. Just so you know, you're not hideous. Please do stop thinking negatively of yourself. You're beautiful the way you are and I bet there's hundreds of girls out there who wish they were you so cheer up chicken legs!

I love you with all my heart and remember that I'll always be here for you as you're always there for me. Yeah we got some fights and faults we've done to each other but let's let them all go pass us by. Remember R.I.B.A.S kay? Never forget that. You got people who loves you for who you are so don't ever change. You're so funny and I bet as you grow older you will soon become a clown. hahahaha kay I'm just kidding. I meant to say you would be even more funnier than you are now. lol. I'm running out of ideas so maybe I'll say more when we meet. May Allah bless you rara.

As they say :- rara got swaaaaaag
yours truly,riri.

P to the S:  r.i.b.a.s : rara/riri is bapak awesome sial (Y)

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

i wouldn't mind.

I feel different lately. I've lost my appetite to eat, I talk less even when it seems like I talk much, I feel so tired, I feel so lifeless. I don't know what my problem is. My head's spinning. My thoughts are driving me up the wall. I feel so devastated. I'm suffocating in despair. I fake it oh so well. It's like i'm a different person with my friends, as if I'm wearing a mask that could hide everything I feel inside. It's sad how even my friends can't tell. At times like this, I just need someone to hug me and say that everything we'll be okay. I'm not kidding.
It's times like this I really wanna go out with someone I could trust, talk to him/her or even just sit down doing nothing. Maybe we'll be in an awkward silence but I don't mind as long as I know that you'll be there with me. I just need someone to keep accompany. Hundreds of people around me, yet I feel like I'm the only one. Just once I wish people will stop pushing me, cut me some slack. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm effing tired. ya Allah,what's happening to me? Can't someone come and save me, please someone please make my day. I just want somebody that cares enough to make the smile I put on to be sincere.

Ah I'll be fine.

yours truly,riri

one goes, a better one will come.

I know people come and go and I'm okay with that. When one person goes,a better one comes. If not now, maybe one day. At times even when we think that the person was meant to be in our lives, maybe he/she isn't. I mean they were in our lives and maybe they're gone now but everybody leaves something. A lesson maybe? I'm grateful of those who chose to stay and I appreciate those who left for someone better to come. I've lost some people I really love but I'm okay, I'll be fine.

3 years ago, someone who knows me more than anyone, even more than my parents know me, died. I remember everything, the way he looked at that time, the way he fell, the way everything was so unexpected and how fast it ended. I can't believe it's been three years already. Only Allah knows how much I love him. I, I just can't take it when people talk about him. I somehow start to cry. And yes, right now I'm crying. He's my hero, my idol, he's the first most amazing person I know. Seeing someone dying in front of you changes everything. When things like this happens, even dramas with people dying in it could make you cry. But I can't cry. I'll suck it up. I know he wants to see me smile, he wants me to be happy. I'll be okay. I'll make him proud one day.In shaa Allah.

yours truly,riri

Sunday, 16 October 2011

oh sweet memories do save me.

If you look at that photo closely you would see this "24 july:wish I'd never let you go" but I doubt that you could see it.

One thing about our relationship that I never experience in any other relationship I was in is the fact that every time things seem like it's about to fall apart, something awesome and heart-touching would happen. It's either something you or me said or do. There's times when maybe I thought this couldn't work or had my doubts in you but every time something like that crosses my mind, I would suddenly get a really overwhelming text from you or suddenly a flash back of every sweet moments we had together would cross my  mind. Probably this feeling can't be describe by any word found in the dictionary.

You know how typical it is for girls to want the guys to apologize even when it might slightly actually be the girls fault? Yes at times girls could be quite selfish and yes, I used to be one of those typical girls but I've change after I met you. You're not an ego-maniac yourself so why should I be one? Because of you, I realised that sooner or later guys get tired of girls who always expect guys to always start first, it should be equal. I wanna say sorry if I've done anything wrong. Oh how hard it is to find someone like you nowdays. 

Without you even doing anything, you suddenly made me realise that I can't waste my time on sulking and so on. I love you and I should show that I love you. I love the way you keep listening to my stupid stories and I love that you're always there for me but it seems like we're getting quite dull now. I don't have much to say to you as you don't have much to say to me but in shaa Allah we'll be alright.

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

for tomorrows sake.

saf: awak dengan hakim selalu jumpa berapa kali seminggu?
me: *remain silent for awhile* *then laugh a little* selama kita kenal dia, i've only met him twice.
saf: whaat? seriously? but korang sweet gila tahu?
me: haha really?
saf: yelaah.kan yang kitaorang tengok gambar awak tu, like dia datang all the way from shah alam. like whaaat, sanggup? sweet gila kot tengok korang
me: haha tulah kan? kita pun mcm tak percaya yang dia datang, sumpah awesome gila doh. memang awesome lah dia tu *looking out the window and smiling from ear to ear*

At times I look back at us and think to myself how could this ever be possible? And I answer my own question by saying that it could, it's happening. He's real, he's there. I can't describe how unbelievable this is to me. Waking up everyday and thinking that maybe this is all a dream and checking my phone and realizing that it's not. A thousand of things I wanna tell you if I could if only I could figure out what to say but for now there's only one thing, containing three words -I love you.

You have a lot of reasons to leave but you chose to stay and only Allah knows how overwhelming I am to know that fact and how grateful I am to be with you. Honestly, I have no reason to leave. It's almost like you're everything I've ever wanted. Is this too early to be said? Well, screw that. I remember on my 13th birthday party, I made a wish as I blew out the candles. I wished for a someone like you and look at me now, my wish came true.

Never ever and I really mean NEVER have I been in love with any guy like this, I've never felt this way for anyone but you. All the things we've been through, all the things you've done for me- I've got a thousand reasons to stay. You're so amazing. your presence in my life have change almost everything about me, I'm happier. I keep on playing every scene of those times when we first met and I love you more every time.

We have our ups and downs, obstacles keep getting harder and harder to face but as long as you're with me, I'll be okay. I remember those times when we weren't together yet and people were telling me how we wouldn't work or how weird it would be for us to ever be together. But that's what people do- they talk and talk but one day they'll stop. I won't listen to what they say no more. I love you and you love me and that's what matters. Screw what others say. I've been influence too much by my mind, it's time to listen to my heart.

And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am really deeply in love with you Mohd Hakim bin Khairul Salleh.

yours truly,riri

Monday, 10 October 2011

9/10/11 -once in a lifetime.

On this unforgettable day I went to this one place that has some kind of a 'garage sale' and it's only on Saturdays and Sundays. I wasn't into the new things they sold, I was ecstatic about all the antiques that they sell there. Honestly, I'm like really in love with all these antiques stuff especially antique cameras. Like god, those are my fav. Most of the antique cameras sold there aren't working anymore but I don't mind about that. I don't mind if I can't use it, just by having it would already satisfy my needs.

The first thing that caught my eye as I walk into that place was this bright red coloured gramophone. Then I saw this really really old typewriter which made me jump up and down as if I was five again. There was also this booth where this really sweet old picture of a husband and wife was sold which I really like. You know how I love those nerdy glasses? Yeah there was this booth that was selling all these glasses from the 60s and so on and one of this glasses caught my wide open eyes. I was like jumping of excitement that is- until I ask the price of course. It was RM200 ++ because it was a Dunhill - branded - glasses. So I didn't buy it of course.

My eyes was shining as my smile gets wider and wider at every booth I stop by at. If I had money, I would WASTE all of them on all the antique cameras there. And guess what? I bought one! and and I bought this 60s KEBAYA which really took my breath away the first time I laid my eyes on it. I was so desperate to buy it-scared of whoever that would suddenly 'fall in love' with it and buy it before me so I did bought it. I even met Pn. Azmah my science teacher when I was in standard 6. Also bumped into sis ara and marissa there.

Going there was super terrific, it was beyond awesome for me. Too bad I didn't bring much money. There was this beautiful ring that I was DYING to buy, unfortunately it cost RM1000 ++ . Well that's okay, at least I got my camera.

Btw I heard that the moon was so beautiful on that night, too bad I didn't get the chance to see it. I was hoping for something awesome to happen that day though. Well something did and I'm grateful. I kinda woke up at 3 in the morning to check my phone and there was a text from this guy I really love. I was smiling from ear to  ear as I read that text. Dear Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh, I am really deeply in love with you <3

yours truly,riri