look at me now.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

celebrating lives.

A year ago I'd say this is my queue to sing,
Boys Like Girls's She's Got A Boyfriend Now
17 and invincible they sang. Not anymore though.

I'm not seventeen. I'm 25. At times 4. 13 barely. But somehow still 15.
I'm not as exuberant, knowing I don't deserve to be at the moment.
I'm glad, not as crestfallen really. Knowing I'm not that important anymore to so many.
Yet contented with the way things are or the people I've been spending my life with.
I don't expect for anything, it's just a shame to know the people I invested most of my time with, seems just as uninterested. I'm not keen or concern about anybody else's being. I could care less. It's just disheartening when it comes to the ones that matters most to me.

It's really not a day just for me. Which is why I've talked about it's little value previously. Not to be a dampener to other's foreseen joy. It's only because we're missing the real hero, the bigger picture in the background that's so vital, without it there wouldn't even be a me here right now. I have my mum to thank for. This isn't just a date, not another birthday, it's a celebration for the life of a woman who could've been taken away just for the sake to breath in a new life to this world. I'm not at all the only star for today. More than anything I hope in all my mum's excitement and plans for today, although certain things without my endorsement (knowing I'd like to be as little hassle as possible), remembers that it's really her day as well. It never crossed my mind before- when I was younger or a few years back. I'm left a bit penitent for such ignorance to be honest. How could something so significant be taken so lightly. This is our day. I hope things get better, for her sake.


2k15's birthday perception.

I wish I forgot mine as to how I almost did for last year's.
I come across people saying this a lot:-
"As you grow older birthday's are just another day. 
There's nothing to it. You don't like it as much, it isn't as special."

I've been thinking about it, it's been awhile but I've never really had the time to put all my thoughts about it together. Unfortunately when I do, it leaves me so agitated for some reason. I get furious over this kind of ungratefulness. It doesn't apply to everyone, of course. This isn't about anyone either. It's just me. I'd ask why but why wonder at the obvious reasons certain people live to start taking birthdays as something rather fiddling although at the same time might just feel down about it on the very day, some things contradictory but isn't as complicated really.

1) you don't like the fact that you're getting older
2) responsibilities, decisions, your future
3) people don't give you gifts the way they used to or celebrate it with you
4) it reminds you of something you don't wish to remember
5) you've never celebrated it
6) people always forget
7) you wish to feel special especially on that very day but you never do

At this point, it isn't at all any of the above. It barely ever was the case to me but to most people I know, it is. I'm just glad to get another day or year to live, a chance to fix what I've been breaking ever since. Learned the lessons I've thought I never would need to bother about. To me, there's nothing special about birthdays anymore true. I know what you're thinking, and honestly it isn't it. I'm talking about how it's just another day but not in a bad way. A date where you get to realise how much you've grown or haven't and look back at how far you've come and what you've done. It's not about gifts or surprises. It's just really, a day to be grateful for no matter how hard it is. Isn't it how it should be when we're all born for a reason whether or not it's clear to us now. My presence isn't anymore remarkable than the next guy, but just as special. In my own way. No self pity, or grief, or complaints.

It's just another day. It is but a day where people treat you a bit more special than they usually do. That's what now leaves me a bit exasperated, none of abhorrence but still I refuse to accept the fact that only on birthdays is it ever a must for certain people to treat someone else in an exceptional manner. The way I execrate how mother's day becomes such a fuss for everyone to treat their mother's like queens. Shouldn't every day be the same? If somebody means enough to you and that you love them endlessly, why wait for a certain date or day to make something happen. Doing so on that specific day isn't wrong at all instead it's quite thoughtful but so many take the days before and after that date for granted. People aren't always going to be there, we won't live forever, why not take every chance we can to make it worth every breath we take.

As I was talking, I received a few words of a loved one:
"You're special who says you aren't important" the same person that at one point asks me questions like "Do you think you're special? any important than anybody else?" in annoyance. I don't take it to heart, but what am I to expect after being told so. There's nothing wrong with birthdays, they're wonderful, another day and chance of getting to see and be with your loved ones, another year of new beginnings and start of endings.


Thursday, 22 January 2015

for the past.

This will be the last time I'd ever mention you.
You'd be the last person to ever make me feel the way I did.
The last to fuck me up.
I am in the hands of better.
I've got you to thank for.

He's showing off his new girl now. It's been awhile. Her face still on his page. Then comes new photos. That's funny, not funny haha or funny weird, but funny impress. Maybe he's finally found the girl he not only need but wants. The one he doesn't hide. The one he flaunts. The one he openly shows is his, and is proud of having. It aches, not jealousy, I would never feel so for him. It's the sudden realisation of how I wasn't that, somehow to me, reflected on how I was not even worth it all. I was just another girl. Still, I'm one to feel just as delightful for his new bound happiness. The one that might just make a change in him. How beautiful it is to see happiness for another, not him, but the girl. 


Wednesday, 21 January 2015

one two. none thank you.

I avoid meeting anyone, whether I know, knew, was close to or the ever most popular but tragic could one day be attached to. The kind of attachment I no longer crave to have with anyone, old or new, but few. Such a small number, maybe one or two. I am awfully embarrassed to admit, when it comes to certain people it would leave me rather forlorn to pass them once more knowing we are no longer what we were or to walk by without a word at all, not even a glare. 

Maybe it's to think "oh" and only oh, to someone I no longer bother about but once did. Nothing much ravaging at all really, quite the opposite- more of a dream. A resplendent kind I may say so myself. It's when I am to put myself at where I was or in their shoes, is when it gets a bit messy. To feel what I could've or should've but don't. I'd rather not. I could care less for what is no longer any of my concern.


shut eye.

I used to stay in the dark to find some peace of mind. It never seemed to be present. 
The kind of peace only came with so much to pay for, like the beginning of never ending thoughts I couldn't bring myself to start pondering about. 
So I slept. I've been sleeping and nothing more.


damn the squishies.

I've gotten soft in this past couple of years, softer. 
Strong, but squishy. Like moist chocolate cake or wet tissue soft. 
It makes me so much more human, it gives me such feeling of inadequacy. 
I dislike the taste. Or its way. Just as cold, but full of heart. More alone but never lonely. 
Some parts the same but better, however this softness from within and the need to need and the incapability of doing things on my own caused by laziness is  rather abrasive. 
I shall withdraw myself as I cogitate ways of how to dispose what I've been sinking in and absorbing to get used to. Out you go nuisance.


what's not worth a copy.

The kind of originality in a writing attracts me. It could be inspired from anything but it's the feelings and ideas from deep inside of you written in it that, even if not for someone else or if maybe is exactly for a specific someone, is everything. Putting your soul into a writing, even if unintentionally sums up it being your own creation, instead of picking parts of other people's written thoughts as it is, grabs me. Refusing to copy another poem, saying or quote from another being although it was exactly how you feel of a situation, person or interest, just as it is the least. Instead, you gave effort to do your own- makes me 1000% more admiring of the piece. 

It's how people, even if they're awful at it or have never done it for anyone, cares enough to give out a piece of themselves sincerely, so purely, coming from them, how can you not be at awe? I absolutely am fond over such effort or originality. It doesn't have to 100% percent yours, I'm really talking of how you make it your own. You would know when you read or by how and when it's been told or given to you. If it's real, you would feel it.

That's what makes it special. Especially to me.


Saturday, 10 January 2015

one way none other.

I'm not good in anything, because I can never love anything enough anymore, to stay committed long. Long enough to go somewhere with it. All I have is education. The only thing I did so well before I let go of it too. I don't have much to choose from but I have to decide on one. That's where I lose my track. This is where I once lost myself.


Tuesday, 6 January 2015

sebelum tiada.

Dia sedih siapa tahu
Bukan engkau tapi aku
Selagi ada, pintaku jaga
Tak sanggup ku lihat deritanya dia.


Monday, 5 January 2015

never useless.

There was that one time, that one period, I couldn't remember what month or year it was. Or for how long. But we were both sad. I was so sad. "Sad" so much simplicity, so straight to the point but sufficient enough on explaining it all. It sounds so trivial if to be chose between the word depress. Those days felt like forever, although every day came and went so rapidly. We only had each other.

But to be honest, I only had her. I didn't have a laptop then, I never did had one. The ones we had for family usage was always kept for reasons. All I ever had was my lousy but trustworthy Nokia- can't even do much. It was all in the call. But god, little things like these saved my life. It's those times in your life you just know how literally alone you are and that not even family cares for you as much as every other person who convinced you that they do. Those times when I swear, no one dreams of being on your side but so few. If you're lucky. Maybe one, two, or none. To think without even knowing, people still have the nerve and heart to judge and condemn you. For every person that degraded me and looked down on me, god forbids such things to come around and happen to you or your family. There was never a part of me, that wish any of these upon anyone else but later on there was this tiny spot in me that cursed them, knowing it could and it will.

If you're reading this, remember when you stayed awake fearing I'd commit suicide? Remember how hard you tried to make me happy as I did the same, remember how it was just us? Those days when we believed despite whatever obstacles that we were going to have to face, we'd keep each other in mind and keep going. We were each other's only reason. It was chaotic, the state I was in and the people I had to be with and to you it was just disheartening. We were so young and hopeless living in such a dysfunctional environment, but nobody knew. I had your back as you had mine when you were able. It was as if we were the only family we had. People don't know shit and they didn't bothered.

Those night you stayed awake for me, and the days I woke up for you. God, remember the dreams and plans we had. I had it all figured out. I had us settled down for the future, that was what I'd thought. Till things started happening more frequently and I kept getting into trouble or shoved around, having to clear things up on my own and they ruined me. The way it broke what we had, all our dreams our plans, I got lost and confuse and that being said, so did you. I was able to carry the both of us at one point, the next second I couldn't even pick myself up and I'm sorry. I'm sorry we're this way now and I'm sorry things got worse and we're left forlorn, pointless and wrecked.

Do you remember accompanying me on skype. Without being able to video call, we'd put our phones on loudspeaker placing it near our heads. We talked and talked until next thing I knew I woke up and it was already the next day. Remember that? You stayed to make sure I did, we knew what would've happen if you hadn't. I have you to thank for that. You were my reason to live.


Thursday, 1 January 2015

january 1st 2k15.

But I don't care how sad I get
I don't care how dangerous it is
I don't care how it freaks me out
or how much it makes me feel like shit

As long as I got through it alone
As long as I know when to draw the line
Or to not drag anyone along
To cause him to find out
I'd be fine.

I can't handle the guilt of hurting someone over this
I can't stand the need to want someone to want to be there
To let people down by proving how much they can't even do much
To realise nobody needs this thing, or such a person in their life
and to hurt him by being so.

I don't mind the nights I've got to go through alone when to me no one deserves to stay up for people like me and I'm convinced I don't need them to, or how I get anxious and insecure so often at random moments for no reason or triggered by the simplest most trivial things lately, and for my sudden emotional breakdowns in the busy hours, when everyone else is living life going through it normally, when I'm more worried he'd fall into the same place as I'm in. I'd go through anything and still manage to pull myself together to give the ones I love the very best of me, in hopes they'd never feel the way I've felt or still feel. I don't wish this upon anyone. I need him to stay the way he is, always, not for me but for him. Even when I find myself being a hypocritical paradox for it.

I'm in denial.
But god, save him.