look at me now.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

to: the you i no longer could relate to.

Maybe he's just as messed up as I am.
Maybe he wants to fall back in love.
Maybe he never wanted us to be this way.
Maybe he still feels what I feel.
or maybe not.

So how do I start, where can I?

Dear you, you that was once my world and surprisingly still apart of it, I can't tell you how I feel reason being I don't even know what I feel. Close to three years and the feeling is still there. The day you left, you took me away with you. Me as in everything I ever was and everything you made me. I took things as there are, I moved on. Yes, moved on as in accepting the fact that you weren't mine anymore, that I'll be seeing you dating with other girls and not have the right to be jealous. I made myself think positively that you never have left, that you would always be there for me if I needed you like you said you would though it would never be the same. I had a couple more relationships but none felt the same. I remember my brother dedicating Adele's Someone Like You to me but I never found anyone like you, maybe I've found better but deep inside all I wanted was you.

It boggles my mind how and why we fell apart. I remember trying my best to make you feel loved because you were, you still are. I never once cheated and I turn down guys all the time. I avoid doing anything that could make you jealous, I never wanna hurt you I thought. In my head things were going perfectly. When it wasn't, I tried thinking like a guy just so I would understand what you're going through. Years after, reading back at our conversations, I realised how immature I was and you were right on how we were talking about the same old boring things but you never shared much about yourself and I was still learning. See, you changed me, you made me understand more, I learned from my mistakes when I was with you because I dreaded the thought of you one day getting sick of me. You just meant that much to me.

You don't know how much you've helped me although to you, you never did much. Maybe because at the moment, I was growing, immature and confused, beaten up and weak as my world came crumbling down you saved me. I might not mean much to you but you meant everything to me. No one got or could even relate to why I was so head over heels for you. They couldn't fathom why you when I could find better. And tbh, the day you left, was the day I, in a way gave up on myself. You were the light at the end of my dark tunnel life. I never thought you would have such an impact on me, it never crossed my mind that you would be that much of my an influence to my life.

That's just me though. I'm the only one who feels so. Sometimes I just despise myself for feeling too much, for remembering, for everything.

Can you believe how much I cherished life before this? I couldn't even say. I could say that I've gotten too screwed up that I could actually delete things from my memories or just block them out and not letting a single piece of it lingers in my mind. I could walk in and out of people's life without a single feeling of guilt that at times I don't even bother what's wrong or right. You know what's the biggest joke of all? I can forget everything but never you or anything that we've been through and I'm not just saying, I mean every word. But you know, life, yeah this is life, 'the life'. I fear that our path would never cross ever again but even if it does, this is all that we'd be. Maybe the thought of rebuilding what we burnt down has once or twice maybe even more, spark out of a sudden in us but the guilt and pain and everything we said and promised we would never become pulls us back to where we are now.

I can never be what you were once to me. And today proved it. I can never look at myself and find myself beautiful no matter how much I love myself because all that I am is none other than the things nobody needs. A wreck, awkward and boring, mentally deranged at times and emotionally unstable, I'm a zombie; I don't know how to communicate right, I can't get through you; I don't know what you like or love, I'm an embarrassment, I don't know how to make things better, I only break them, I'm a complete waste of time,money and air with a body full of scars. Who would and could ever love me, not when they get to know me better, never. See I even get easily distracted; I forgot what my point of writing this in the first place was even.

After making you wait, after falling on my own two feet, I'd no longer appear where you don't want me too and I know you'd never find me anyway.

I end up back to where you left me. I don't lie about things like this. I end up wanting and believing that we would go back to our little fairytale. I can hide how I feel I just can't ever hide how I feel about people. I did that once and regretted it. I'd rather face the truth and hurt myself than to die knowing I never said or did what I've always wanted to. I would understand though. I've shut myself and shoved everyone else out. Maybe one day I'd wake up and things would go differently, finally my way maybe, however I doubt that it would ever. And I know one day if it's true that we'd never be an 'us' once again, I'd laugh at myself while reading this, feeling so embarrass but still it doesn't changed the question that maybe just maybe one day you'd wake up and let me in.

 Until we meet again, if we ever meet again.

yours truly, riri.


29/3/13 Once again, something just died inside of me and there goes everything else that died not long ago.

I put my guard down for just two seconds,
I believe things could change for once,
I tried being positive, to have faith,
All I wanted was to find the girl I murdered,
The me I used to be but it ended in another tragedy.

 As I stood there awkwardly, a thought hit me hard into my thick skull, that maybe, that this is actually, all another lie I have been making myself believe. When they told me they didn't mind, they meant they didn't give a shit. Like the word " SETUWWPIWWD" was slapped onto my forehead, I was taken aback. Looking back at just a few hours ago and a few days back with all the things that was said to me and I was made to believe, it's incredible not to be awestruck. Like getting back what I threw out. We go in circles, what you do, you get back in return but how is it fair when I have waited for so long for this moment? It isn't, but whose fault is it if not my own. Like remembering what you can't forget when you wish you never would. It's been years, months, days, so much has changed but the way I look at this, at him. I thought I had stapled the thought of it at the back of my mind, I swore I would never speak of the past, of our times; the good old times but it's the slip of the tongue: it's my mind and my heart talking all together taking control over me. As if I know that they know that we know it myself that I can never shake it off and that all this is just another pretend act I have decided to put on.

But I've been wearing my heart on my sleeves, I've been to lax to have had an eye on my heart, to not let things go back to the way it was because everything I made myself forget I never have really forgotten about and the thought of it is just heartbreaking while it disheartens me in everything I once believed existed. The pain roars in me and it takes away every piece of happiness because I once made what I knew would never last, my everything. Lesson learned.

Yours truly, riri.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

shame behind it all.

And I sat there showing her pictures of people doing things I know I do too while she talks about how preposterously insane it is for them to do so. Her thoughts loud and clear drilling into my mind from the ears to my heart as I kept quiet.

I wonder if she knows
I wonder if anyone has noticed
If they even care although I don't even put the slightest hope on so
It's scary to even be thought about
but it's always there crashing and running into my head
I never wanted for it to start
but the pain is beyond my control
Today once again I've lost a battle
A battle I fought on my own.

yours truly, riri.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

in the future from the past I.

I guess it isn't fair for me to only tell you all my stories and thoughts about things while I let your friend find other people to build conversations with.

I guess it was never meant to be but it's just something that we have no control over and that's what destiny is. Who would've thought our friend, us, would break apart into you and me, you and her or just "your friend". Remember when we three were so close? See, mistakes are to be learned from and her mistake was breaking my trust. I forgive and I'll let it go but even if the whole world one day would change for the better, I would remain the same. You can build that bridge of trust with me once again but it will never be the same. I learn from a young age not to trust people easily but I always do, I get my heart broken and shit thrown to me and stuff but I never learn my lesson. I have faith on how people would change but they never do, not when you aren't as important to them as you thought you were so I decided one day to finally stop the nonsense. If I let you in, you for damn right know I've put my life into your hands; that's how much I trust you. Break that and we're done.

You love us both, I know. I'm not here to make you choose. You have the right to choose whoever you want to be with, either way I'd still be here. I don't have a "clique", I'm the only one I have. Come and go all you want. You've been friends with her longer than I have and vice versa. I'm just a newbie, the one to "fit in". She's your friend no matter how much she hurts you and you're hers. You've created precious memories together while I'm the one who you barely see or talk to. Even if I understand you more, you can never pick me over her. I know how it's like to have already labelled someone as your best friend even if you can't really be yourself with them but you can't just leave after you find someone better even if that someone is your soul mate because there would always be this guilt inside of you that would hold you back.

You don't need to leave, it's your choice. I'm not here to ruin other people's friendship. However I am not the kind that would stay in what I know it myself won't work anymore. I prefer a more honest friendship. It's worst to be acting happy to the people who thinks they're the reason behind it than to let them face the music. Acting is a never ending job. Being honest is the hardest but it's worth the pain and joy to come. I've been through that, I've been friends with someone for almost 9 years but in the end where are we now? I decided to leave and move on. Sometimes it's not about how long, or who cares the most, instead it's about whether it is worth staying or to be continued.

She's just full of ego. She's not matured enough for life, she haven't been through as much but just so you know, even though she goes to other people when she doesn't have you around, to her you're the only best friend she has because you're the only one who would put up with her and she loves you for that she just doesn't know how to show it. It's like all the hurtful things she says to you are how she shows you she loves you. You know it yourself too deep inside, that's why you stay- because she needs to be saved and you're hoping to be the hero because you know how it's like to be that way, maybe even because she reminds you of the person you once were.

yours truly, riri.

in the future from the past II.

"Maybe you don't need me anymore"
I miss us when we were form1 too and I don't find you stupid for looking back on that so much because I bet for you, that was one of the only time you actually had something to hold on to, something that to you: was real. I know that feeling. Sometimes life is a movie; a movie of us watching another movie because in the end we have to wake up back to life. We were so closed, happy and well, in denial. Life happened for me. I can't live life the way I used to. I want you and her to though, I want the both of you to live life the way we once did. You can do that, even without me. That's just how insignificant I am.

PA's just as broken and lost as I was. She's the me I used to be, the one I don't want anyone else to be. From what I see, we all are committed to the ones we love just because they were there first. Slowly we find each other all together the broken ones but that's all we are. We come and we go but in our hearts we stay. Like we're living another life secretly, a life where we don't need to fake smiles and force laughter; where all that we feel are real, where life starts making sense again but we choose to leave when the clock strikes 12. Why?

yours truly, riri.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

voices everywhere.

People would never stop giving their unwanted opinions. They would never stop judging nor can they stop hating but you know life goes on. Nothing can ever touch you unless you let it.

Some people complain about your tweets yet they still follow you. Some complain or judge your pictures on facebook yet they still look at them. Some would say you're arrogant when they've never talked to you before while some says you're a fake bitch for being over-friendly. They would say you're invisible and meaningless then next they tell you you're an attention seeker. They'd tell you you're pretty and thanked them you will just so they could tell you you're over your head; that you're not even half as pretty. They'd search for your flaws and remind you of every mistake you made. Whatever it is, keep it in mind that they got nothing on you.

Sometimes people say shit to people who can do, dress or live the way they know they can't but secretly (although usually denying the fact that) they wish they could too. Sometimes people get so insecure of themselves that they search for other people's weakness to be used against them just to feel all mighty and powerful. Other times, they just don't have anything better to do but this is unlikely to be the reason. If you look on the bright side dealing with these kinds of people helps tests your patience. Don't feel small because of this and to look down at yourself just because of what people think and say about you is a big no as well. They're just weak and vulnerable as you are. Notice how they always tend to come by as anonymous? Exactly. They're just as scared and that much of a coward. People like this are a waste of your precious time to argue with.

People can and will say whatever they want. It's either you believe in them or you believe in yourself. You have to have a stand; don't ever let what people say define you. Everything they do or say would only affect you if you let it. Don't let little pathetic things like this get to your head. Don't let people overpower you. It doesn't mean you should hate them though. That only makes you them. Forgive while you still can and let go. It hurts less that way. Aggravating leads to not only them but also you, in deep shit. What difference does it make? Be the bigger person. Ego won't get you nowhere.

People won't bother to get to know you first and you shouldn't be letting them in as easily too. I wouldn't waste my time on explaining my life and feelings and all to people who might just be glad to hear how screwed I am and use everything I once shared against me one day. Whether you open up or the other way around, they would still judge you. They don't know the reason why I do what I do or feel the way I feel. They don't even know me well enough to even try to understand. It's hilarious in all the stupid ways possible that some people would actually think by reading my blog they know exactly who I am or think my life and myself is as easily understandable as if it were a book they could just read through. As moronic as most people think I am for writing about my family and life here, they are ignorant to the fact that just because I'm young doesn't precisely mean I am less wise then most people think adults are supposed to be. I don't just simply blurt everything here without thinking of the consequences. In fact what I write here isn't even half as what is really happening to me.

People would rather assume things than to ask, condemn than to advice. They'd bring up the past maybe even bleak up the future. Despite all that they can do it's really up to you to decide whether to let them or fight for your rights. The only thing that could really get in the way is you. Screw what anyone else says. Have confidence in yourself because in the end you're all that you've got.

yours truly, riri.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

they walk over me.

I figured for sure haters are like so 3 years ago. I thought primary school was over. Guess I was wrong, maybe shit does just rise from the ashes.

I swore I had this settled and I know for sure I did no wrong. See, I'm not the coward here. They know me and I'm the one replying ;to whom? Petty anons. People have the right to hate who ever they want and I respect that; how they tell it straight to me but why hide? Why go through all the trouble of typing so much hatred into sentences specially for me but without your name/identity along? It's either they know that I know them or they're scared of facing the consequences if I got to know who they are but then it could also be because of how deep inside they are secretly just as ashamed of themselves as they say I should be of myself.
So you never had enough of a backbone to mention/message me on twitter/facebook of all the things you're not satisfy with? Funny how they only say all that they've kept rotting in their hearts for so long, to me, once I created an ask fm account. Let it all out, it's okay but just so you know it won't change a thing. You could never really live feeling calm and content with all the hatred you keep burning inside of you anyway. It's not that hard to be happy for one another. Hey life is too short to stress about other people's wrong doings.

Look at it this way, see yourself in the mirror and take a second to think of what kind of sick insecure lack of attention person would you be sticking your big ass nose in other people's business trying to find and point out their mistakes and flaws just so you wouldn't be reminded of your own. They say people like so are either jealous of you or they just don't have a life to live. It's sad, really, very.

Grow up. What do you even get from all this? 'cause honestly speaking, what you say won't really have an affect on me. Yeah I might talk about how I'm better of dead like 3/4 of the time but that doesn't mean I don't know where I stand. I know who I am and what I have in me or about me that I should be proud of so if you're planning to kick me down with all those petty remarks about me, you're just wasting your time and energy.

yours truly, riri.