look at me now.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

bring me back to life.

To be honest, the day you left you took away a side of me that I've been searching for for so long. You killed me just right after you brought me back to life. Again, I became lost. If only I could've stop you from doing so, if only feelings didn't change. You changed everything about me. You were the reason why I smiled every morning and at night before I went to sleep. You were the reason why I wasn't so scared of facing the next day. I swear to god, I've never met someone who made me fall so hard and hurt so bad but still could manage to smile for I am happy in such a condition as long as you're here with me. You made me believe that things would get better, once again. Too bad it didn't last. Leaving me dead and waiting for that so-called prince charming of mine to come and save me from this sorrow. Give me back  the life I once had. I wanna feel alive again and smile sincerely. I smile easily but there's limited times when that smile I put on is not the ones that are forced to be put on. I just want that 5-year-old smile of mine back you know what I mean?

yours truly,riri

feel-less, hurt-less.

The reason I'm such a jerk now is, I'm trying to stop myself from getting too attached to people. The last time I did so have hurt me enough. I'm not going go through that again. I don't see any reason why I should take the risk of getting hurt again. Once again, I feel so lifeless. Love, is a feeling that I have doubts on. It seems like I don't even know how to love now. "I love you", what the hell does that means? Now all I know is how to love someone... as a friend. Not more, not less. I guess I kinda believe in love less and less everyday. No matter how many times I say those three words, I just don't feel it no more you know? I feel nothing. I feel as if I've been brain wash by Aizad. Love never lasts. since when did I ever believe in that, I don't know. My feelings has gone all messed up.

yours truly, riri.

it ain't as easy as it looks.

And I wonder why, why does it seem so easy for people to leave someone and act as if that someone was never a part of their lives before. You know what my problem is? I could handle the truth, I could face the facts but letting go? I find it hard to do so. I appreciate those who came into my life and changed me. I really do and for that, I won't let go of all the memories that they had left me with. Some say I'm stupid for still being friends with the guy who treated me like shit, the girl who used to talk shit about me and those who were only there with me when they needed something from me. Some say I don't know who I should really be nice with and who I should ignore. Some say I'm too innocent and some say I'm just such an idiot. I find it easy to forgive someone and have a fresh start with them. Anything at all is okay to do if it means that they won't leave me or if it means that there won't be any hatred feelings towards each other.

I'm fine with being stupid, too nice or innocent. I care too much. I mean seriously why hate? Hating, it's tiring. I prefer to apologise even when it's not my fault and move on. Sometimes I do hate myself for trying to make things better when I know that it won't . I just can't let go of things, of those people who were once so closed to me. I just wish people would understand. Yeah they treated me like dirt but if they hadn't have been such douchebags I might not have gotten this strong. See why? Having grudge on people isn't my thing. Revenge sounds nice but it's messy. I'm being nice now maybe one day people will be nice to me. They say what goes around comes around. So this is me, the idiot who believes that people could change, that believes people care.

yours truly, riri.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

self-centered? stop.

You know what? You guys should be more grateful. Your parents give you everything you want and need without even complaining about it. They don't even bring up the matter to you if their money isn't enough. Your parents want the best for you and all they ask in repay is for you to succeed in life and make them proud. Is that so hard? They have work their ass off just to give you all that you need to still be alive now. I just don't get how most of you who have supportive parents, who are always there for you and listen to your every problems just like a mum/dad would do yet you guys still say things like they're annoying and you hate them just because they don't buy you one specific thing that you want like an Iphone for example. You guys are ungrateful sheeesh. Do you know how I would kill just to get parents as kind and supportive like that? but I can't. I got my own parents and no matter how much I wish they weren't my parents and how much things would get better, they would forever be my parents and without them, I wouldn't have the chance to experience life now. I might not get the attention I need but that's okay cause I'm just grateful I have a room and enough food to eat unlike some unfortunate people. I just wanna love what I have and just remember that some people don't have what I have so I should just be grateful and please you guys should too. I see now even 6 year old have all the things I've never had but that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'll work for what I want now.

yours truly, riri.

it just came rushing back.

I'm a fool. Confuse with what I need and what I want. I had this crazy idea to look back at all the great moments of my life and to just be happy that it happened. I tried to look back at all the shitty times and see how much I've grown since then. It hurts, it just hurts so badly to look back and all I always see is the faces of those who left. They might have leave me, I might have let them go but, memories they stay in me forever. All the nights that I've cried alone, all the things that I've kept to myself, all the bad memories of things I don't ever wanna remember again, it came rushing back into my head. I couldn't help myself but to...it's not important. I'm losing it again. I just hate how much I miss what I had. I lived every moment of life as if there was no tomorrow back then. What happened to me? I lost myself again.

yours truly, riri.

twelve again please?

Remember the time when we went to Desa Water Park and we all were like a family. SKSI2's standard six students, united. 2010- one of the most shit-full yet amazing year of my almost-fourteen-year-old life. The year where I found myself again, the year that I actually had fun. It's been awhile since I had any actual fun. The year I became a little bit less anti social. I had friends, almost all of the standard six students were family to me. I believed that it would last, I believed that nothing would change but as always, I stand corrected. Getting all excited about being a form1 student, getting into secondary school thinking that it would be a hell of an awesome year for me... pfft what shit was I thinking? I got everything wrong. I guess I was just too excited by the fact that I was not anymore a primary school kid. That I could finally wear this light blue skirt instead of the dark gloomy blue one. I thought things would get better, yeah I thought. I just wish I could have back all of these memories turned into reality.

Thirteen- what happened to being bestfriends forever? What happen to "We won't ever change. Friends till we die" ? I lost it all. Wondering what went wrong every time it cross my mind. All those who I once treated like family now treats me like I'm some kind of stranger. Smiles seem like it's worth a million bucks now. It's like no one ever smiles to each other no more. they see you, you see them, you stare and smile, they look away as if they don't see you, as if you're invisible. That's just how it works nowadays. It hurts the most to know that those friends you once laughed and talked a lot to, no longer even wants to look at you. 

Fourteen- it's 2012 and hey, maybe things will get better. Maybe friends will get back together. and again, as always, I stand corrected. Now, it's like I don't exist anymore. Sometimes they smile, say "hi" but you see, they got their own clique now and when they have that, yeah you got that right :- they don't talk to you unless they're on their own. What a bunch of shit don't you think? The saddest part is when those who once always hang with you and you always had fun with, forgets about you more and more by the day. All this left me thinking, what did I do wrong?

I wanna be twelve again when we actually cared to take care of this friendship. When friends actual matters. When it wasn't about who was cool or who was not. When it wasn't about your stats or ranking in school. I miss those times when we were all the same, when we realised that we're just human. I wanna be twelve and enjoy those times when it was about having fun and not caring about what people think not like now where we let society decide on what we should and should not do. I won't let society control me, I just wish they felt the same.

yours truly, riri.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

as if i don't deserve it.

It's when I see you and wonder what is it that you see in me. It's when I see all the pretty girls and wonder why'd you pick me. It's when I see these bunch of friendlier girls and wonder why was it me that you fell for. It's when I get another text from you when I don't reply the first one and wonder wouldn't it be inconvenient to send me many text knowing that I won't reply. It's when you call me using your parents phone that makes me wonder how did I end up meaning that much to you. It's when I look at you and see how awesome and cool you are and wonder why'd you chose to get stuck with a loser like me. It's when you sing to me when we're on the phone that makes me wonder have you done this to anyone else before. It's when I started to stop believing in promises, that you came and changed it all. I'm not sure about forever, that I'll say inshaa Allah to, because most of my previous boyfriends who promised me "forever" end up either dumping me or got caught cheating. So yeah, that one you'll have to gain my trust.

At times I feel so small, I feel so so out of your league. Can't you see the difference between you and me? You're like way too awesome for me. It seems like you could leave me anytime and I'll end up being broken and what ever not but you won't leave me right? I won't break if you do though. Being broken is unacceptable.

I'm just scared that one day you would regret being with me. I don't know why but somehow, no matter how much I try to be the best, I end up being the worst. A couple of relationships where I thought that was gonna last but it didn't. It's weird because things seem like it was falling into place, guess I spoke too soon. To be honest, I'm not good with this relationship stuff.

 yours truly, riri.