look at me now.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

you should still be here.

It's been 4 years, without you.

It's a new house now. Not that same old dump. Everything's so different now. thing's are not so dead. Except for me, of course. I've grown up. Safuan's in everything now and syafina, well she's still trying to fit in. It's sad that you can't see us now and we can't see you. I know you'd be happy to see all this. I can't believe it's been so long, every tear I shed and every smile I put on, none that you can see. Your laugh, your voice, dying to hear it once again. I know, it's impossible. I'm trying my best to make you proud. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'll follow your footsteps, I'll be as great as you if god's willing. Forever in my mind, always.

yours truly, riri.

Monday, 27 February 2012

i'll go away now.

It's dead, like seriously it's freakin dead.

I've realised something. Since I moved here, nothing lasts. Everything changes every year. I'm talking about people and feelings. I no longer believe that people would stay. They'll leave in the end, eventually. People walk in and out of my life every single day. That's normal. It just hurts when the ones I love and care about the most leaves. Everything seems so dead to me now. I get fed up. In the end I'm the one who'll walk in and out of people's life. I walk away, I push those who loves me away; that's just what I do. I'm not scared, I'm frightened. Years ago I told myself not to get too attached to anyone but I screwed myself up. Breaking my own promise and you know where it got me to? Yes, ending up hurting. I now shall walk away first.

yours truly,riri


I like being alone. Feeling lonely? NO.

I don't know when but i'm guessing December 2011. I don't talk much really. I mean I used to, till I got to know that no one actually cares about what I have to say. Bestfriends excluded. Sometimes I wish there was someone that I could share my stupid stories to. Not the ones who just sits there and listen but the ones that also gives some response. I mean who would like talking to the wall right? I realised people have their own life and problems so I don't expect that anyone would be there for me like 24/7. Day by day I just care less and less about, well almost everyone and everything. I feel like I no longer live in this world. Alone and feeling comfortable with it.

I should be having fun and all but I'm just being my old-boring-self again. Anti-social that's what I am, at least that's what I've been told. I start to hate talking, I find it a waste of time. I mean why should I when no one cares? It's like trying to scream when you know you're voiceless.

yours truly, riri.

wish you the best.

People call him my ex. I still call him bestfriend.

Just like everything else, feelings change. After awhile of silence, we finally talked again. To be honest, it feels great. Knowing that he's all good and soon to be in a relationship. Us, talking about crushes and all, I mean who does that? Oh, we do. Who ever said your ex couldn't be your bestfriend. He was once a stranger, once a bestfriend, once a boyfriend, and once again a bestfriend. I love our friendship, I really do. It might seem ridiculous to some but they don't know what we've been through, all the things he has done for me; all the reasons why this means a lot to me. It's a good start, no hate just love.

I'm happy to see him happy and this is not a lie. I'm being real here. I'm serious. I've learned to remember my ex (s) for the good things they've done not the bad ones (if there is any). Yeah he's a great guy and hopefully he'll find a great girl too. I wish him the best not that I have to but I want to. Cheers to a new beginning. Jump to a new book, the old one has come to an end.

yours truly, riri.

hero my ass.

A hero to the country, to the ones who really need him?

Silly me thinking that he might just be the only one person left that I could count on. They're all the same. He's just like the others. I thought out of all the people I know, at least he could support me but no. What does he do instead? Condemn me, yes. He brought my spirit down. He just somehow knows just what to say to hurt me where it hurts the most. My smile keeps turning upside down when he's around. It makes me sick. He had a chance to fix things, he had a million of them but, every time it's just the same. He waste it. Hah, such a hero he is. He wasn't there when I needed him, never was. When I had no one to turn to I thought I could turn to him but he, he turned his back on me.

People don't see what I see, they can't manage to understand what I feel. I lost hope. He's late. Every time he leaves, nowadays I feel nothing. I don't miss what I never had. I don't need what I don't want. He lost me. This time, it's too late to make things right. This time, I'm walking away. The girl who once needed you so badly, needs you no more.

yours truly, riri.

i won't look down.

Don't listen to the world, they say you're never gonna make it.

They're looking down on me once again. I know I just know. They're starting to have doubts on me. They think I won't make it, they think I can't. I could see it like it's written on their faces. I could, I know I could succeed if I want to. It might look as if there's no hope left for me but hey, I've got a long way to go. There's still time. It's sad yknow, me against the world I see. I know I'll win, I just gotta try harder. It's not too late, never. Just I wish, I wasn't alone in this. I mean I wish someone had my back, someone who believes in me, like I used to have. Yeah like before.

yours truly, riri.

little us against the world.

"you stupid asshole!" she yelled.

I'm used to this. I used to be shock every time it was said but not anymore. It's normal. I know I'm not the only one. I now barely put my hopes up so high on people. I'm strong, I know but that's just on the outside. I still have that weak-stupid-5-year-old-self in me deep inside. I can't trust people these days. I would be stupid if I did. I'm with myself at this point. When even the two most supposedly-trusted-people who means the world to me, who's supposed to always be there for me and always supports me in what ever it is at all, walks away from me, how could I? If it wasn't for my brother and Sya, I'd be dead by now. We're in this together. The three of us, we're the only person we could trust. Be us against the world. My brother, he's my last hope. I got no one else.

yours truly,riri

Saturday, 18 February 2012

i'm messed up i know.

I find it hard to believe, that this, is actually happening.

This feeling, it comes and goes but it's always there even when it seems like it isn't. I feel like all this is just another act and we act it good. Who am I trying to kid, lying to myself. No matter how much I try and tell myself that this is real I keep ending up thinking that he, he's just another stranger that I live with and pretend to love. I find it hard to believe that he's even my dad. I know he loves me but why is it that deep down inside I feel like he wishes it wasn't me that my mum gave birth to. Sometimes it's just obvious. It's obvious that I'm growing up to be someone he wishes that I wasn't but that's just me. This is just who I wanna be. Why is it that I feel so useless at times like this, I feel as if people love me because they have to not because they want to. It's sad, just so sad. I can't be perfect and I know I'm not the kind of kid who would do anything to make their dad proud, I'm just not. I'm useless, unwanted. I'm not a good kid. I don't know why myself. Is this even normal? Is it normal for me to feel okay if my dad's not here with me, is it normal for me to even think that his life is better without me? Or to think that things won't change even if he leaves?

desperate for help, riri.

i find it great.

I can't feel "love" anymore. I find love as a word with more than one meaning and my "I love you" only means two things and it's either "I care about you" or just "I love you as a friend". So don't be fooled. I love you more than a friend is just something I don't think I'll be feeling for awhile. Love, is just wonderful, it's beautiful but when I'm in it I find it messy and complicated. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just too much to handle, I'm just that complicated. I don't have anything against it I just, I kinda believe in it less and less everyday. I don't expect people to understand. I don't know....maybe one day I'll somehow somewhere meet that one guy again, that one guy who makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. That guy who just opens my heart, that I could easily fall for without him even trying to make me. Yeah one day sounds so so ....not gonna happen soon. Lol okay so I guess "one day" means "really really 'soon' (late late late late!)" . Well who knows right? 

yours truly, riri.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

it's over. hi February.

No more you, no more us. To be honest, I'm okay with this. Guess we weren't meant to be. I was living in lies and I got tired. I woke up feeling less depress today. I feel great. It was hard, I was complicated. It didn't seem worth it no more, I had to leave. I had no choice. If I just went with it, sooner or later someone will get hurt. I'll be going back to the girl I once was. We both deserve to be happy but not with each other. I hope you find someone better as that is what I'll do. I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you but I just did. At least now, you know the truth and you'll be trying to forget about me and move on. That's good right?

 It was obvious, our feelings towards each other wasn't the same. Before you start to hate me, if you want to that is, I want you to know that I never cheated. Sometimes, just like rules, promises are meant to be broken. My eyes were once again open and this wasn't what I wanted and it's far from what I need. I just want you to move on and I know that'll be easy for you. I'm sorry.

love, riri.