look at me now.

Sunday, 27 November 2016


I feel like there's someone with me.
Beside me, staring, weirdly comforting.
I'm not sure if it's just me, literally.
Like having myself looking at myself.
I'm scared and secure at the same time.
You know when you face your fears?
And you feel like a goddamn mean bitch!
Yeah, exactly. But really, who is this beside me?

Is it you?


Friday, 25 November 2016

your only saviour. (repost)

No one ever saved me because I didn't need to be. No one ever saved me, because I hadn't tell. No one ever saved me, because they never knew. No one ever saved me, because they couldn't fathom what was going on around. No one ever saved me, because they couldn't. No one ever saved me, because they never listened. No one ever saved me, because they might never have cared enough or that much. No one ever saved me, or you, and anyone at all, because we hadn't let them.


how i held on.

You don't know fright until you are petrified for those who aren't.
- I used to know exactly how this feels. I used to be so afraid.



I didn't plan on becoming more human.
Then God said, "I'd like you to meet-".

It's this again .



He makes me more eager to talk than to write.
He makes me want to go out and answer the phone.
He makes me imagine the things I no longer do.
He makes me tell tales of when I was younger and my feelings without crying.
He makes me want to listen to all the bands I've forgotten about.
He makes me feel like I'm eleven and on Myspace.
He makes it feel like the person I was is still somewhere inside this void I own.
He makes me want to talk about him when I know that I shouldn't.
He makes everything I do or say seems normal.
He makes me laugh and gets me to talk more than I'd ever.
He makes me feel all ew, yuck, stop, so cliche.
He shuts the noise inside my head.
He makes me feel less alone and a lot more.
He makes me want to know and learn.
He makes it feel okay to just be.
He makes it feel like home is close.
He sort of feels like the home that I lost.
He makes it seem like there is hope and this is it.
He makes it feel like he's never left despite this being the first time we met.
And that petrifies me more than anything else.
How he makes me feel safer than the safest I've ever been.
He makes every touch feel like dejavu. Like I've seen you and loved you-
but I'm not supposed to.


Wednesday, 23 November 2016


I found a cat I'm tempted to care for.
I know a guy I have the urge to spoil.


Friday, 18 November 2016

f i f t e e n.

Just because it was real to me,
doesn't mean it was to you.



Reading back it still boggles me, how things ever came to this. Of course I know better but it doesn't really make a difference. If I were to go back I'd slap myself so hard for believing everything that I ever done was worthless. I did everything that I could and people still left. Sometimes I forget that the last 3 years even happened. It feels like I skipped the years straight to this. I guess that explains the absence of my thoughts here. Those years have drained me off everything. For the moment at least. I'm not searching for who I was or wish to become the person I used to be. It's not that deep anymore, or perhaps, I just refuse to let it be.

I guess another stage has end.
So off to the next.


it's not your head. literally.

This sort of indifference is confusing.
I can say that this is no other than the start of something old.
Except I no longer have the words to explain it all.


your moment's end.

I thought you were beautiful.
And I guess I would still have had,
if you hadn't broke my heart the way you did.
With the guts to use me afterwards still.

I wish you knew, how I saw you
for the things that you weren't.
But could've been.

I saw you for all the potential
you clearly had in you,
all I've always believed in.
But you let to waste.

I really did thought you were.
And indeed you were (beautiful).
You could be still.

However, you no longer are,
at least not to me.


the only.

Different guy, every once in awhile.
But in mind there's only one.

They think they're just options but how could they ever be?
When you've never had your eyes on any other than him.


writer's touch.

Hi, I write sad stories.
Things that make you cry or feel.
Those things you wished you have never read.


Thursday, 17 November 2016

wouldn't have expect.

You thought I was getting attached,
must have been the way I said the things I never meant.


Wednesday, 16 November 2016

pieces of you.

Sometimes I still cringe at the thought of clubs,
I still get a bit taken a back whenever people mention drinking;
It all adds up to the things I wish to demolish,
Every little thing that takes me back to him.

It's nothing to mourn about.
Just it's getting fucking annoying.


Monday, 14 November 2016

your presence at 4am.

I believe that this is just a phase.
But then he did have the sort of laugh that made cliché tumblr quotes make sense.


Wednesday, 9 November 2016


I haven't really said the things that I want to.
I haven't been feeling what I know I should.


Saturday, 5 November 2016

things said to be ok.

"Talk to you tomorrow"
- tomorrow never came.


what matters.

I can't remember his voice,
only how it feels to hear it.

(I'm glad you called.)
(And that I answered.)


it's not about sex.

//I gave you my universe.//

You left and came,
Interested still,
For nothing more than what I could give.

You only come for the taste of skin,
Every inch of my body when I'm bare,
Calling it love as if you cared.

- I hope you feel empty without it.
And realised how much I filled you,
without the need to touch you.


to the boy I shut.

You will remember me:

For I was honest, I was real.
I just wanted to make you feel.
All the things you never did,
All that you no longer do,
Those feelings you shy away from,
The things that are taboo.

But you know you want to.
I sense the fear inside you.


Friday, 4 November 2016

an empty sky.

If I were to choose a colour that resembles him, it'd be blue.
He feels like blue. Memories of him are blue. The image of him screams blue!
And to think he used to be yellow, sometimes red, a bit of green and orange to me-
Now just blue. Yes, "blue." No longer as warm or a bit too cold at all, just a blue plateau.
Nothing more, not yet less.



He reminds me of my favourite colour.
I mark the things I read, by what could be him-
And all that I see by what I feel from him.
I know he knows, he's more than this.

If not, I wouldn't be saying.


when the girl kicks in.

I don't think I've ever met anyone I wanted to tell so much to-
My head gets violent around him when my mouth refuses to listen.
In his presence I am me despite my body disintegrating and mind dissociating.
He makes me feel sane. He makes me feel safe.

I am denying this.
(But I've got so much to say about him.)


Thursday, 3 November 2016

tuhan sudah tahu.

Di pengakhiran solatnya, muncul nama baru.
Di dalam doanya, terdapat nama kamu.


Tuesday, 1 November 2016

november's way.

All I have to be is honest,
To have them gone.

And it's okay.

To be left or to leave,
When you don't mean much
to the people you're with.

And it's okay.

To feel sad about it.
And make yourself believe that you aren't.
Because you've got no time for this.
Or want for them to worry.

And it's okay.

To end up alone,
at the end of the day.
Because nobody really wants you,
Not in that way.

It's okay.
It's not like you didn't see it coming.