noktah.

When you don't feel much,
I feel nothing

-riri-

save me she might.

"Yes I am."

And I was so happy I didn't waste my time or money on this one text. That I wasn't nervous for nothing. I finally reach out- well almost. I thought it would never cross her mind but she thinks of me, she was just thinking of me. My guardian angel, my saviour, my hope. Well maybe. 

Some moments I just think, god I love her so much but what if I don't? That perhaps the feeling is there over the feelings I wish was present because conveniently in a way, she is what I need or exactly what I want. Don't you always think you love what you need just because you need it? When in reality you're more intrigued by the things you want. Suddenly it makes sense. It's because all this fills up the void in you, isn't it?

Still she remembers.

While everybody else forgets.

(I hope I let her in this time.)

-riri-

i still act surprise.

Since then he never said hi.
I guess this is his goodbye.

-riri-

keli.

I liked you better when you were you,
and you knew me. I knew you.

But you are still you, just not the one I knew.
While I am still me.

One unknown to you.

-riri-

and poof just like magic.

Lately I've been living (seen alive) everywhere and that's the thing, you believe what you see. Soon you might just understand what you don't. I like what I've set in people's mind at the moment. Let them live in this world long enough before I-

-riri-

sooner or never.

The one that wants more are often those who loves more. Sometimes though, 

it's the one who loves a little too much that holds on the littlest. 

It is what it is when no fall ever ends the way you hope it for.

I held him as he asked, "So what are we then?" I said with my head down, 

"We are us, until we're no more." "What do you mean?" he asked, boggled.

"It's like I love you but I don't. Then again if you love someone you just do yknow? Maybe I just don't want to be with you but then again I'm here." "I think that maybe you just need to let go and let me in this time." "I don't think I can."Why not?" "I haven't died enough times and ruin myself to know if you're the one, to believe you really do love me." Because everybody else before you believed they did to learn that they don't.

-riri-

straight lines of scribbles.

Fuck the old you, you were sick.
Stay here. Suck it up and fucking stay here.

Fuck this shit,

you're still sick.

Fuck the flashbacks.

Fuck I'm gonna comeback.

Sicker now, worse. 

You're out again.

Didn't I asked you to stay?

But I have to I have to go I have to go,

I have to go I have to go I have to.

And feel again.

-riri-

perhaps another day.

Sometimes it falls apart again. 

But I've only 2 more days left. 

I don't have time to feel. 

I don't have time for this.

-riri-

love lost in time.

I finally took time to look over an old broken laptop the whole family once shared. I miss this one. I can't tell if it's over all I've done with it or the memories I had using it. It's one of those bulky smaller laptops without a built in webcam. Suddenly I remembered me with it; few years back, younger- more love, much enthusiasm, shining with hope.

Oh the things I do for love. I remember buying a bloody hell webcam just so I could be able to skype with this ex of mine. With almost all the ex(s) I had, there is always something. A webcam, my sleep, tons of credits, calls after calls, even buying for them. Going out of my way for whatever that would've kept them happy because I wanted to, sneaking out, going out, saving up money to meet up. Even to the extent of changing my number for their convenience.

Looking back I always had loved people with all I've got, later on whatever that I had left from the previous guy. It's ridiculous isn't it, the hardship you put yourself through and stupid shit you would do for love. It's nice to know that at one point you did good even if it ended bad. Just a shame that in some you either got lied to, cheated on or used. It's not the money, nor is it the time wasted, not even my energy but to think that some of them never considered how what they did would affect me in some ways make it seem as if I shouldn't have had at all.

I don't need this.

-riri-

up again.

Fuck you for leaving when I was drowning.
Fuck you for leaving because I was dying.

I never said that.
Still I've always felt that.

I don't want to feel that.
I no longer feel that.

Then again I lied.
And again I did.

-riri-

pierce through.

When all is cleared, I'll throw it out. It was nice while it lasted. Perfect to an extent.

They say save the best for last, I'll delete you when I'm done with the rest.

Like a freshly done piercing you're where I'm healing. There comes a punch, a bit of a crunch and either days, weeks or months of sudden swealing or aching, all of that the process of settling in and a step closer to recovery. Then is when it feels like a part of you. As if it has always been there or never is. You feel nothing yet you keep it close because it too was once an idea of yours.

Isn't it amazing how this too shall pass? 

Opposed to how you tried to keep it together in the past.

-riri-

missing.

How is it that you miss, one you've never touched?

One that has never held you the way you would always had him?

I saw you, never known you.

Felt you, never met you.

Now I miss. I somehow miss.

And I still wonder who is it that you are.

You run in circles in my mind, never far.

I wish you'd come by & say hi.

Then again I might have been high.

You don't exist. You don't exist.

No one's ever mine.

-riri-

to be told, the unseen.

They take a look at me,

have a talk with my mother:

"Oh no wonder".

Unaware of what really is, manifesting it out so well. We play pretend with quite a generous amount of manipulation. Indeed magnificent when acting. Then again maybe not at all. Perhaps another way of coping; blocking it all out by putting on a brave face, a more loveable acceptable self to the world. You're either who you've always been but never really feel, who you no longer are or who you wish to be. 

We've been at it long enough to have become a grammy worhty.

Everybody breaks. Just not us. Not here. Not ever.

It's always perfect. It's always better than anyone else's in their eyes. We make it look simple, we make it seem easy because it is once you're at it. It is when you get the hang of it. Nothing is ever really as it is though sincere still, just sick in the head. They'll never know, I'll never let them. I used to get confuse by it, despising everything showcased; every lie, every "we're okay". We've gotten in denial. There comes moments where I believe that we actually are, possibly another way to point out that it has become a part of us.

This is what they all think they want.

This is my life.

-riri-

it's him.

He smiled at my mother, she seems to like him a lot.

I told him to stop. Thinking who is this guy, why is he here. My sister's over protective, my brother's no different when it comes to me. They all know I've been here before. Too many times before. But we clicked. As if we've known each other, as if we were already together. I said stop smiling, he smiled even more I could see it reaching to his ears. We coincidentally said something right after, it was a thought we shared, similar but different. For that few seconds it had me thinking "Finally! I found him". It is him.

He held me like he was going to take me away, in a way that he was going to keep me forever. How could I have refused that. It was in his eyes. I thought fuck, not another. Though he seemed perfect enough to me that I would let him in. This time I wanted him too.

-riri-

the satan in us.

We're just a bunch of sinners aware of where we stand until compared to another being. Then is when we forget what we do, how we're no different from those around us, suddenly we are beyond holy. It's amazing how just like that, we see ourselves as 'more than'.

-riri-

you'll never drown.

I'd wake up at 4am to pick up your calls or not sleep at all if you needed me and make you feel safe. I would reassure you of where you stand in my life, who you are to me and what you're worth. That it's okay to cry, it's okay to die a little inside. I would pick you up and shine some light despite having my own demons to deal with. I would meet you, find time and a way to get there, to see you, to be with you if you wanted me to. Accompany you wherever you need to go. You're invited to a social/family event you don't want to be at? I'd be there so you don't have to be the only one. No one really does that anymore but I would. If I care I genuinely do, I would do whatever it takes to make you feel okay.

You're going to believe I'm going to get tired of it at one point, you're going to assume I'll be walking out the door after a few months- it's because you're done with yourself too isn't it? Though you'll have me and I got you. Talk about all your dreams and fears, the frustrations whatever you've been keeping to yourself, I'd listen. I know how it's like. I know how it feels like and despite what I've to go through I wouldn't mind doing it all for you. Once I'm with you, I'm with you.

-riri-

not along them.

They're just a bunch of ass kissers talking to me because I'm my father's daughter. They smile and converse knowing my mother. Just a bunch of hypocrites treating you special because of a title. I find it hysterical really, to seem dumb enough to them that they could possibly believe I can't tell just by the first glare of their faces and in the tone of their voices. I refuse to be known for who my parents are or speak with poise and elegance pretending to be one of them. I am not embarrassed of where I am. I am not ashamed of where I've been.

-riri-

d.n.a.

I received an email- three.
It was her.

Suddenly I feel ashamed.
Again, I shouldn't have had but I did.
I don't need to be but I am.

I think I'll continue with sleep.

-riri-

afterparty.

I thought God was supposed to take everything back by now.

And she cried the same way she did the second time like the first only more violently this time. I couldn't help in any means. I only stared. A blur. It wasn't much different from what it was until she let her thoughts in. I wanted God to save her but she doesn't even know Him. So I let it be. I let her sink.

She said look away, it wasn't her intention to grab any attention. It isn't sympathy she needs, there's no space for empathy, stay selfish, leave her be. I would refuse if it would make any difference but she wanted to go back more than I could ever make her believe it would be better here. Sooner or later.

Then she vanished.

-riri-

like the rawr you lost.

I admit to still be waiting for an email I might never get,
I don't know why is it that I think she wouldn't forget.
Then again she was paid to give a damn.

I no longer understand why I have been believing that sanity is a choice.

I still get anxious. I still think of it being too much, needing to step back, locking myself inside the minute I'm out. Second guessing second guessing. My hands still get cold and tremble uncalled for. I still get the sort of rush that pushes me to the verge of crying just because I can't take the pressure not even present. My demons, they're calling me home. My mind, my mind my mind my mind my mind my mind my mind -

Don't mind me. I'm almost gone.

-riri-

wait awhile for me.

And in time it'll be okay, I will be okay.

Enough for me to make plans again, to have it happen.

Comes a day where I will call and I've got enough for us both.

Just wait for me a little while, I'm sorry to have been gone for quite sometime.

But know I've always been here. Know that I got you too if you ever want me to.

That I love you, just I've been busy settling down with myself.

Trying harder, working more and getting there on time for you, for me.

And everyone else too- said wait up Sunsain, I'm coming.

-riri-

is it time now?

Yesterday it was Achik, I dreamt of her and she seems fine.
Sick but alright, not as bad, not so dead.
I'm afraid of whatever that comes next.
Because I've a feeling I know what is.
What will.

-riri-

same old.

People like me, we don't go with anyone.

Unless it's just me.

Not picky, just couldn't be bothered. Solely uninterested, nothing more. Sometimes things happen, some moments I click. Some days I leave. Most days I don't pick up the phone, I don't check text messages, I don't bother with anyone at all. I get too busy with myself. It has become rare for me to keep anything that lives and breathes with mouth able to speak words opposite to what's on my mind. Barely ever do I meet one that has one corresponding to mine. I cut people off, I keep to myself, I'm on my own. Never went, still I've my moments. When I do it isn't always them, nor is it me, it just is. Still they don't get it. But I don't need to be understood. Most days I need to be left alone. I've been with me through it all I've seen people's fall and those who ran at mine.

If I ever change that for anyone,

doesn't it mean anything at all?

It's no longer any of my business if it's gone.

I don't always keep memories.

Still, I didn't thought I'd let 2012 happen again.

Yet it seems to be, by how everyone is to me.

-riri-

time's up, i've woke up.

No pretty faces, living as if everyone sees us from the moment we open our front cameras.
Lets get lost in this other kind of reflection.

I swear you know better.

You used to want to be alone and feel it all. Some days imagining having someone else with you, one who feels the same. You'd lay in bed alone with the music loud and curtains close, eyes slightly shut you want it dark yet warm. Not too hot, can't quite stand the cold either. There comes fingers intertwining with yours, you look to your side and he smiles. Falls this calming silence, enough for a lifetime- time stops and nothing else matters. As if everything freezes as you get caught up with the moment again. It feels wonderful doesn't it now? You thought hold on, not yet, don't go, stay for a little while. Because even then, even when it was all in your head you knew the time would come when everyone, anyone at all has to and for those few seconds left before either one of you broke the silence, you wanted to drown in it, savouring every millisecond, grasping whatever of it you can, how it was, what it was yknow, just in case you needed to remember, if you ever wished to.

You never want to anymore that I've learned, but you do anyway knowing better than your old self how time flies and things fade; that people come and might not always stay. Each time it gets teary but god you loved, you still love every moment of everything when it happens knowing each time it could be gone the moment you put your guard down. Everything's good if you take it that way. 

Even on the worst days, there's always something to be grateful for and it's amazing how we always go back to where we begin as if every ending sends us back to a new start. We get chances over and over again, what a shame to become completely oblivious to it. There's nothing bad about what's been going on despite everything that is. You know how it works, how it will come to be. You know you better than anyone else.

You've always been there.

-riri-

dreamland's nightmare.

I get so paranoid at work I keep hearing people call me, 

sometimes I hear sounds and I see things moving.

When I check it's nothing.

6.16am, today.

I've been getting odd dreams. Dreams of everybody I don't have crossing my mind anymore, those that has been absent for long. My head's often blank yet restless these days, at night specifically. I'm more than exhausted to say despite my attempts of keeping my sleeping pattern right. Who are these people, I would know but find their sudden appearance rather difficult to fathom.

I remember it dark.

Feels like a calling, perhaps someone's dying.

Or maybe something? Could be the return of what's dead instead.

4am, 2 March 2016.
Although believing that it wouldn't this time, I had a feeling in my gut that it would. It did. I was horrified to the bones, enough that it woken me up with my heart racing. It felt as if my heart would expand to explosion with it beating so rapidly as if it was running out of my chest as my lungs shrank over the lack of me breathing. 4 in the morning, sharp. I was so afraid my body couldn't quite function properly, the scene going back and forth in my head like it's replayed, rewind and fast forward multiple times I lost count. It took awhile to soothe. I was alone.

Go back to sleep.

Tomorrow it won't be there.

As so I thought.

-riri-

it's you not me.

And I swear I really loved you,
god I swear I would've loved you,
If you had not been so dejecting-

You're getting on my nerves,
this guilt infuriating inside,
why won't you just leave instead-

Is it what you're thinking,
is this what it feels like,
all you keep in mind?

Say it ain't so.

-riri-

crush.

Jet black Mercedes built in the 70s,

Classic like you and me.

I know you've been down.

I won't let you down.

bedtime.

I haven't seen you in awhile.

Yellow lights, the sound, I came up and saw this somehow.

Yet it's calmer now, I sort of miss this. Wait- I always had.

The coldness, the music, the lay-in-bed-eyes-wide-open-hoping-I-fall-asleep.

Minus the bullshit, the racing mind, the destruction I sort of still miss.

No sign this time. No thoughts. No bright side.

Nothing. I feel nothing.

-riri-

receding.

I'll help you forget.

So I could go myself.

-riri-

hidden graveyard.

I refuse to go to another session knowing I can't get my words right. Why is it that my head screams relapse at the most inconvenient timing, it comes loudly knocking; my head throbs from the pressure it puts, I just want to let it in. I've been dying to.

Ironically a losing battle feels like victory when I am exceedingly craving for it to destroy me. It aches my head to keep attempting to save myself for everyone else because doing it for me, never lasts. Said don't step back, don't look, don't go, but we always do and I'll always want to even when I don't.

Who am I holding on for, keep telling yourself to let go but I've been a baggage of inconvenience for too long, the sort of burden everybody wishes they could just throw out. I kind of just want to throw up.

Screamed who the fuck are you, asked why you're alive, those days, moments, nights you died to live and live to die, the nights and mornings where you were alone, often, you said tomorrow it'll be better, today will be fine, lying each time. Everybody dies. Everybody goes. Especially those who promises otherwise and I swear I swear I wouldn't have had if I were them. I swear I would've been there.

Yet I've failed to even save myself. Sometimes I wonder why nobody ever tried, or ever dared. I keep believing maybe someone wouldn't lie but they all do in the end not knowing why. It still breaks me each time. I wonder how they never felt the same. How they seem to lose their hearts in the end.

You act like you've never been there, you talk like you have and we're left misplaced, trifling. Some days I look back at her, god I would hug me if I could yet petrified I might just kill instead. Isn't that what everybody does? Isn't it what we do best?

I've always known though,
how it is to be alone.
The way I'm meant to.
The way I always do.

Jaded from deciding.

Tomorrow don't wake me up.

-riri-

little him.

1.20AM

The night of 29th February, but it's the first of march.

I just noticed yesterday's date though it wasn't a leap year then.

I imagined him, much younger, as a kid.

It made me remember. I remembered everything.

And maybe cried a little bit.

He used to be the cutest toddler/baby ever.

And I'm one to have no interest in kids to say.

He used to, well he used to- everything.

-

Some moments you come to mind and I hope you're doing okay.
I genuinely hope that you're alright.
In some of those moments,
I worry if you might not be.

As long as you're happy. Whatever that makes you happy. I want so for you.
Some days assuming you are despite my senses indicating that you aren't.
You don't come around often enough for me to know.
On days where you do appear, you're never here anymore.

I don't wonder, but I'm bothered.
I don't care but I worry.
I don't ask, so I put you in my prayers.
If maybe once more god would do me a favour.

-riri-