heartbeat.

20th april 2008

A day that I thought would never come, I mean not this soon.
It was a day after my brother's birthday & a day before my uncle's birthday.
There I was in the hospital, reading a comic book.
I was just 10, what else was I supposed to do?

Then I got a very uncomfortable feeling, my stomach started to hurt, my heart was racing, my hands went cold.
It felt like someone had punch me in the stomach and kick me at the same time. I put my comic down, I went to sit next to my grandpa who was at that time, lying in bed. It's been two weeks, he still is sick and the doctor seems to not know what his illness was all about.

He said, he wanted to go back home with me. Unfortunately the doctor said he can't, the doctor told my mum he might not make it. What did that meant? My eyes stayed focus on my grandpa, he look really ill. His body was cold. Somehow, I felt like he's gonna go. I hit my head a few times because I thought I was going mad for thinking of something so horrible like that.

He barely eats now, why I asked why? He wants too, I know he does but he can't.
A few hours later, without no shoes on or even her head scarf, my mum went rushing out of the wad to call the doctor. Where were the nurses? We've been pressing the emergency button but there were no response.
I stared at my grandpa, stunned. Hot streaming tears on my cheeks, I could barely move a muscle.
The only thing I remember I herd was my brother telling me
"adik, baca Al- fatihah banyak banyak"

Was this the end? It couldn't be, it just couldn't. Couldn't it?
Then the doctor was FINALLY here, how unprofessional for being late.
We were asked to get out of the room.
They were trying to make his heart beat, I heard a cough,
I thought to myself "is he okay now? " but some part of my heart knew he wasn't.

About 6 something, everything was settled. Forever gone, there was nothing more that the doctor could do.
My grandpa was gone, I was so stunned, I didn't even realised that the tears I was letting out of me could fill up more than three buckets. I couldn't believe my eyes, pinching myself so many times so I would wake up but it was a waste of my time. Standing on wobbly legs, I couldn't even breath or bear the thought of it.

There was no one else for me to open up too, there was no one else who understood me more than him.
Who else was gonna tell me what I did was right and I am perfect just by being me.
Who else was gonna point to my head and say that I'm a genius whenever I thought of anything smart.
I was literally alone, I was always crying at school if it wasn't for my supportive understanding bestfriend, I don't know what would've happen

yours truly,
riri

my perfect two ♥♥

you're like a rocket in my mind that's waiting to define

How do you describe that feeling when you see a total stranger and know, just know, that you and he are meant to be?
That feeling when you just knew a guy and somehow you were crazy enough to let that uncontrollable side of your brain announced to you, how much you love him.

I mean how could that be? Is it even possible?
Could it work out? Does the guy have the same feelings as you?
And what about the distance? Was a long distance relationship was ever gonna be the problem?

Well it is possible and yes, miracles do happen. Lucky for me, the feeling was mutual. And no, a long distance relationship was never gonna be the problem. To be honest, getting to be with him is something I thought was so impossible that I almost died the first time he said "I love you".

A guy who I trust, someone who I can open up to like no other guy.
His words would melt in my hands, it would send me goose bumpy tingles.
His awesome voice, it could have me lost for words.
He loves me for me, even when he knows how problematic I am.
He doesn't mind that it's hard for us to meet cause he believes that someday somehow, we will get to meet.

I remember the first time you text me 1:08 6 march 2011.
Our date: 22 april <3
You, I can't tell you or describe how lucky I feel to be having you by my side or how much I love you and how much you mean to me or how much I appreciate what you've done for me. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart,

I love you so fucking damn much Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh
my one and only, si awesome <3

yours truly, riri

misery business.

What do you do when there's no one out there to help you?
You keep crying for help but no one seems to hear you,
you're on the edge of breaking down hoping for someone to save you,
in the age as young as thirteen what could you possibly do?

  I know how it feels to believe in myself & try to trust myself & try to convince myself that for once, what I did was right when it seems like the whole world is looking down on me & telling me how wrong I am.

Was I born to ruin my parents life?
Am I always gonna test them to the limits of their patience & always bring shame to them?
Am I a disgrace of honour? Would my parents life be better off if I wasn't here right now and be such a trouble maker?

Some people ask me what's wrong & expect me to trust them & tell them everything but how could I?
Every time I try & ask them to hear me out it seems so hard cause whatever I tell them will be seen as ridiculous and insane in their eyes.

Sometimes you just gotta keep yelling till they hear you out.
But I'm tired of yelling because no matter how hard I try no one seems to hear me.
It feels like I'm seven feet under the ground.
The weight I fell pressing on my shoulders feels heavier than ever.
  I didn't even realise how heavy my shoulders normally felt.

THIRTEEN , HOPELESS,
ya Allah please give me strength to face all this and alhamdulillah for I have been given a chance to still be breathing & living till this very day.

yours truly,riri

a trip down memory lane.

There I was alone, thinking, day-dreaming, memorizing, trying to complete the missing story of my past.

Oh how I  miss those times, how could I ever forget?

And where am I now? Everything & everyone is so different.
The only thing I could do is start over and act like everything is okay.
Take everything as it is, I can't change the past or even the present.
The future, maybe. how could I reach for something when it's not there?

I try to stop myself from being so numb so I imagine of all the good times but to think that it's never gonna happen again, is just devastating. Then suddenly sad memories came rushing into my head which made my heart went cold I was barely breathing.

How could something so meaningful could possibly be washed away in a blink of an eye?
I couldn't imagine how my life would've turn out if my past wasn't as it is,
I wouldn't be who I am now. Who knows that maybe I would turn out being a snobby jerkass.
Things change from time to time.
Some friends forget their friends & people have their own path to walk on.
I couldn't bare the thought of losing everything I once had but I need to let go.
I gotta face the facts that people grow up & move on,
If we are meant to be then we will be.

After a long time of thinking, I thought to myself while looking at the bright blue sky smiling,
hey it's okay, it's alright, i'll be fine

yours truly,
riri

stars do shine.

"you see, I was nothing more, than a girl who wished for something different , watching her dreams from a distance

Do you know, how I was before? Who I was in the past?
Do you know the real me? Have you seen me good, and bad?
Do you see pass through my flaws? Can you take me as I am?
Do you know how hard my life is?or are you so in denial?
I've told you a million times I am NOT hot. please, it's facts okay?
I used to be the kid that no one cared about, the kid who always got left out.
The outcast, the weirdo, the freak, the zero.
The loser, the girl with not many friends.
The girl who couldn't do anything beyond belief, the girl who never knew what friendship was really about.

I was the girl who was so straight and naive, I was like a lost puppy.
I grew up knowing how unkind kids can be and how cruel adults are.
How do you feel when everything you thought you knew was just another lie?
When your bestfriend was actually your worst enemy?

I used to be the kid who always got pick on,
the kid who guys always made fun of, the kid who was dumb enough to trust someone she just knew she shouldn't. I am not awesome or amazing in any way, I am a terrible person.
I never knew what it was like to feel popular or to be wanted for  once.

But stars do shine, maybe not now, maybe not yesterday, maybe not tomorrow but someday.
And to be honest now,no matter how much friends you see I have on my facebook or myspace, I am always the girl who is too shy to talk to guys, the girl who can't make friends and is always left out,the girl who smile whenever she was hurt, the girl who is naive enough to trust everybody,the girl who always got hurt, the girl who wanted a guy to truly love her, a girl who is anti-social, the girl who people look down to,
a girl who just wanted to fit in, the girl who couldn't even bring up a conversation

No matter what, I am always that girl, that loser who just wanted to find true friendship

yours truly,
riri

think before you talk.

Again, we go round and round

Where is the end and where did we start?
Why did this happen and when will it end?
Was it all my fault or my conscience is being to nice?

It's making me tired, I know I have to just get use to it but I could hardly bear the thought. Again with the same old shit. It keeps on coming like frogs laying eggs; too much to bear with and hard to stop. I mean what can I do? it seems like a hard life full of confusions and lies are just made for me.
And I don't know why, in every scene it seems like i'm the bad guy, the one who is cursed.

Why don't people ask about things they don't know and want to know rather than just assume of anything they think is real and jump to conclusion?
Is it really that hard? whats so fun about lying, slandering. judging, and making fun of somebody's flaws?

Why is it that people somehow seem to hate other people who are in joy?
Just because others have what you don't doesn't mean that's a reason to hate them.
Why don't you try something new like WORK FOR WHAT YOU WANT rather than envying what other people have when you can get it too.

You see, in life, you won't get everything you want.
You gotta put some effort to it.
And you see, I'm tired of people who think it's okay to make other people feel bad about themselves.
Take note to self please: ruining other people's life won't make your life better.

yours truly,
riri

a late wish doesnt mean i dont care.

Okay so I might have forgotten about your birthday,

but on 17th april I swear it popped back into my head so that means I was just one day too late.
 But still, I didn't wish you, until now I mean.
Its not that I don't want to but I didn't have time.
I could've had just wish through the phone but I don't have your number, haha
and I wanted to post it on your wall but I didn't get the chance to open my fb.

You wish me on my birthday and that really made me smile to my ears,
so I guess I felt really bad not doing the same.
I know that you wouldn't even mind but I care.

To an awesome good-looking belieber,
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.
If I'd remember I would probably wish you on the 16th April.

Amirul Hatta bin Azman,
May Allah bless you and may you be in good health always,
don't sleep too late
Semoga panjang umur and dimurahkan rezeki.
From someone who will never forget you,
sabrina sabri.

you make me smile.

Okay so I guess there's no doubt about it anymore,

I can't hide it and I don't want to hide it.
You make me smile to my ears,
you make me laugh and blush at the same time,
I have dreams about you.
Whenever I listen to marry you by bruno mars, you'll pop up in my head.
I love your awesome voice,
I love how you cared enough to ask me what's wrong,
I love it when you keep saying sorry even when it's not your fault, that's adorable,
I love how you would always text me,
I love that you're so kind to me,
I love that you always make me melt,
I love it that you say you love me

I never felt like this for a long long time, it's overwhelming to be in this condition again.
You came into my life out of the blue and you became one of the VVIP's in my life.
You changed me, you made me happier, I'm grateful that I know you,
it's awesome how some random stranger could turn out to be an awesome person in your life.

You, i love you, yes Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh, I'm talking about you ;) <3

yours truly,
riri

it's a sign.

1. You don't text me for a day : I get worried
2. I see you wtw-ing with some girls : I get jealous
3. When you say "I love you" : You make me go cloud9
4. I don't reply your text because I fell asleep : I feel guilty in the morning
5. Whenever I hear your name : I'll probably smile like some crazy hobo who gets free food
6. When you say sorry : I feel that it's just adorable
7. I forget your birthday : Somehow I can't stop regretting about it
8. I hear your voice : I melt like ice cream in summer time
9. You praise me : I get flattered and start blushing
10. I had have dreams about you : I think I'm crazy but it was all awesome and sweet
11. You ask me how I was when I was devastated : I smiled to my ears because you cared
12. You talk to your friends about me : I go "awwwww <3"
    
    
    there's more I guess, the past and coming soon,
    this actually mean only one thing,
    
    iloveyou ;)

happy birthday.

I wanted to put your picture where you wore the baju melayu that you sent to me but thanks for my no good brother for bringing my phone to boarding school. I like that photo of you.

Happy birthdayy mohd hakim khairul salleh,
Gosh I really like to put your full name en?
Like wow you're already fifteen now.
I just wanna say, study hard and make you and your parents proud.
And again, sorry that I forgot. Honestly, I truly am sorry.
I don't know why but I can't stop feeling guilty about it.
I even made a video with me apologizing and singing the birthday song but thanks to my no good internet connection, it couldn't be uploaded. I waited for hours, sorry that I gave up on waiting.
If I've just waited a bit longer, you would've get to hear my oh-so-not-awesome voice.

Again, may Allah bless you and dimurahkan rezeki always.
Don't forget me please because I know I won't forget you.
And thanks for everything comel, I appreciate it.
Hope you have a blast on your birthday!
I'm gonna miss you and I love you hakim <3
haha

 -riri-