Perhaps asleep, while I have been awake ever since I woke the day before.
I can never really put my feelings into words. With him nothing ever comes out the way it does in my head on paper than when the words are spoken directly. This is safety, this is 'keep it between us', this is something I hope would go as far as we say it would. Up until we reach where we believe we could and if we are lucky enough, beyond.
It's insane to look back and think it's only been a short period of time yet this journey has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Everything dejecting was the cost of this; what I went through is the reason I am able to get this far. To be here, this blessed. Bliss. Everything left behind, every fresh start is worth the try- even if it's the same kind.
In mind is every moment I wake to see his face, every nightmare and anxiousness he manages to balance out and control. I have never been more attached to a smell. I never thought I would be the one to feel what I do and have what I own now. For the first time in my life, in spite of all the chaos, I'm still left with what I've longed to be my own.
It hasn't even been a day since he left and my mind is already deteriorating. I'm the best at making it all look so effortless. For that it's often than not difficult to believe. Though the ones closest to me knows more than I could ever mention. As much as I resent saying this, sometimes I actually believe everyone's forgotten about it. I do what I do to get through.
It doesn't look like much, in fact I look better than ever although not physically. However everyday's a constant battle and mine isn't over yet. It's been 8 days, soon 9; I'm keeping track of my-could-be-or-soon-to-be-the-start-of-my-lowest-point. Although this time it's different, a bit too blessed now that I have him by my side. Nevertheless, we all know where this could lead to. A bit too much almost each time and everyday, still he stays and copes with me. Always trying to catch up, I tend to forget that my mind works in ways susceptible to me yet complicated for others. Off track, I choose to overlook this.
To be honest, I don't have the exact words for my current state or condition right this instance. A couple hours has passed since I wrote this and he's already on his way to me. I know this is a lot for him too. God knows how much I can't repay all the hours I've taken and his time I've wasted. It's just that this time, I can no longer afford to do this all alone. Even if nobody understands, I hope the ones who stick by me have faith in me. This was never on purpose, I never asked for this.