look at me now.

Friday, 8 June 2018

sober - mahalia.

I have to remind myself of how it felt. Now this feels some sort of similar to my previous time.
Said I'd packed my bags though how far has it been from there?


Thursday, 7 June 2018


I could only imagine myself being as ecstatic if he did pick up, instead when it occurred, for a moment I felt like all the weight on my shoulders have been lifted. Suddenly it was easier to cry. I really needed that cry. If only I were able to express how grateful I felt to be able to, before I gather myself back together as we ended it. I keep in mind that it's still different this time. I can't let him know. Nothing to hide, just why would it be a matter to him?

You don't have to believe it's love. I don't want it to be that myself. Miraculously, I still sense the warmth and a missing inside. Of course I tell myself it's only me. He's a sunnier day. I think it's contagious so it can't be what I would assume it to be. Until I looked back and realised it has always been this way despite the circumstances. How the only time I feel the opposite is when he chooses to turn a blind eye just to walk away. Now it sounds ironic and obvious how ridiculous this belief could be but I'm really tired of pretending or trying ways of everyone else.

I've always been wrong or out of place, too much or too little, this or that, whatever it is everybody says or believes I am. I want to burst into the sky and be done with it. I want to drown in my bed and sink into a blackhole but I was really happy. It's utter stupidity that it shouldn't make sense and it doesn't (though it does). Even so, it still feels nice to hear from him.

Suddenly my brain was on the move and I wanted to get things done although gradually breaking again, I was a bit more calmer than I was. Perhaps love just has no boundaries. I know it's the same kind to me, yet again, I tell myself it's just me. Aware it's not me he will ever love the same again. That he's better off without, and he wants me to believe the same for myself when it comes to him.


Well he sounded so fine; I wish I was able to be a part of that.
In spite of it I'm well aware it's no longer right for me to be.


Tuesday, 1 May 2018


Second hit, a bit lighter now. Head is heavy still, feeling as if it were being stretched upwards- sometimes the inability to feel is so much of a bliss. Partially insane, this need to retreat sounds like the escape of a lifetime. I'm just unsure if I have that much time. Violent tendencies, entities of my mind going in and out, dropping silent hints of negative although somewhat tempting ideas. Tying down the urges, I still feel like running towards the light. 

The end of the tunnel is always so bright, I'm brought back to days I last felt alive with what I no longer have. It's always hard to let go of what you are afraid you will wish to never encounter. I must have been mistaken to think it was anyone but myself I should fear the most. I know to me a bond that is cut to soon be destroyed is a broken mirror fixed by glue. Manageable, understandable, imperfect as us, however the reflection is what it is. 

How courageous are you to have let it go yet again, 
how brave can I possibly be to do it the way that suits me? 
My head continues to argue.


Saturday, 21 April 2018



At the end of each day, still the same;
"I sayang you".

Think you wish I didn't.


Friday, 13 April 2018

plot twist.


Tiba hari kan kesedaran mulai timbul,
jikalau waktunya, andai kata takdir sudah tertera,
walau setiap saat diambil tidak mungkin dipulang mahupun diputar kembali,
setelah setiap satu yang dijelas berulang kali sehingga lali yang mendengari,
sekian lama aku menanti, jemu beria menidakkan yang iya,
dan pada waktu jantung aku hampir terhenti buat kali ketujuh puluh tujuh,
akan kembali segala memori yang aku yakini asalnya daripada kamu-

lalu mekarnya harapan bahawa segalanya sepertimana kita harapkan,
tiba masa aku bangkit semula namun mampukah aku membuka mata sesiapa,
jikalau mata kamu masih dikaburi segala yang sudah berlalu,
apakah tiada maaf bagiku atas segala yang hapus ditanam hari-

walau bagaimana pun seringkali tidak walau sekali, 
aku meminta, 
segala jenis derita dan neraka dunia ke atas kamu,
ketahui aku tidak pernah gemar walau hati aku kamu cemari-

sungguhpun masih tertanya, 
ya bodohnya aku percaya,
pada suatu hari,
jika kena masa,

mungkin yang tiba itu lah dia-
ia lah cinta,
atau hanya

seorang manusia.


Monday, 2 April 2018

Sunday, 1 April 2018

old flame.

A brand new knife. The tiles overly tempting. A type of liquid to knock you out. Excessive smoking. Too much sleep or not at all. Appetite lost. Drowning in liquor. Smelling of garbage. Skin drying, breaking. Water consumption decreasing. Mental health receding. Vision blurring. Itching to move. Struggling not to. Focus disordered. Mind muddled, cluttered. Body thrown all over. Disoriented. Deteriorating.

"You don't love yourself"

Not that. But okay.


Saturday, 31 March 2018

a way out.

Slowly creeping up on me, I know it's calling for a home. Physically unhealthier. A bit ill, to be positive. I can never really be left on my own for too long before the tendencies start reemerging. I can see myself sinking 7 feet underground. The tranquility in letting it all go gives me some peace of mind but I am to hold on right until I have done it all and then, is when I go.

Everything has just been another distraction. I told you, I can't even focus. Stick to the plan every now and other day but I am dispersing as much as I make myself believe I am able to stand my ground and continue without breaking. Again I am so close to succumbing to the demons in my head but I tell myself that this time it is different. It's not like that, I just need a rest. I want to give up but I can't.

Sitting in silence, the noise gradually loudening. Spacing out, I know it's easier to enter me now.
Claiming I'm unable when in mind I'm off to go, I'm not trying to care about me now.