I haven't slept as early or willingly as I did last night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, heart racing, mind in shock, often on the verge of crying, I fear the things I can't make anyone see. Some nights a bit more harsh. Mind empty but it all feels so heavy. The nothingness so loud, I hear the silence screeching. I have the world in my hands when I'm undeserving. I don't have the words for the the type of abhorrence and love I have for myself. Smothered in guilt, I see myself chewing on my own flesh and skin. Refusing to be aware but I fear not knowing. Some moments terrified of everything, somedays the fear is of me. It tells me I want nothing more but to drown, I think of staying afloat, I move towards crashing down. No yes no yes no yes yes yes yes yes yes stop- I'm running off a cliff, no it's just a balcony, no- I don't want to be here yet I've nowhere to run. I've no clue to where I should go. I can't tell you what it is that is pushing me so vigorously into destruction. I am not lost, I'm out of my mind. I just want to go.