It hasn't even been a day since he left and my mind is already deteriorating. I'm the best at making it all look so effortless. For that it's often than not difficult to believe. Though the ones closest to me knows more than I could ever mention. As much as I resent saying this, sometimes I actually believe everyone's forgotten about it. I do what I do to get through.
It doesn't look like much, in fact I look better than ever although not physically. However everyday's a constant battle and mine isn't over yet. It's been 8 days, soon 9; I'm keeping track of my-could-be-or-soon-to-be-the-start-of-my-lowest-point. Although this time it's different, a bit too blessed now that I have him by my side. Nevertheless, we all know where this could lead to. A bit too much almost each time and everyday, still he stays and copes with me. Always trying to catch up, I tend to forget that my mind works in ways susceptible to me yet complicated for others. Off track, I choose to overlook this.
To be honest, I don't have the exact words for my current state or condition right this instance. A couple hours has passed since I wrote this and he's already on his way to me. I know this is a lot for him too. God knows how much I can't repay all the hours I've taken and his time I've wasted. It's just that this time, I can no longer afford to do this all alone. Even if nobody understands, I hope the ones who stick by me have faith in me. This was never on purpose, I never asked for this.
I haven't slept as early or willingly as I did last night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, heart racing, mind in shock, often on the verge of crying, I fear the things I can't make anyone see. Some nights a bit more harsh. Mind empty but it all feels so heavy. The nothingness so loud, I hear the silence screeching. I have the world in my hands when I'm undeserving. I don't have the words for the the type of abhorrence and love I have for myself. Smothered in guilt, I see myself chewing on my own flesh and skin. Refusing to be aware but I fear not knowing. Some moments terrified of everything, somedays the fear is of me. It tells me I want nothing more but to drown, I think of staying afloat, I move towards crashing down. No yes no yes no yes yes yes yes yes yes stop- I'm running off a cliff, no it's just a balcony, no- I don't want to be here yet I've nowhere to run. I've no clue to where I should go. I can't tell you what it is that is pushing me so vigorously into destruction. I am not lost, I'm out of my mind. I just want to go.
At the moment, I still don't. I keep on thinking I do up until the moment people start getting annoyed or frustrated. Everyone tells you they want to be there but the second you get too much, they're going to turn their backs on you. I keep getting thrown the same feelings over different words combined together from all the suffocation I cause. In the end even if no one is at fault, I am in the wrong. Having a mind you can't control, with everyone you love whom deserves so much better, I can't help but to think how everything could be so much clearer for everyone involved with me if I were to go. Ironic, guess I knew after all.