look at me now.

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

ready set.

It feels so much like Raya,
all the saddest ones compiled in one.
Except that this time I'm alright.

I think it's dying again.
I'm going on a rollercoaster death ride.

"please hold."

Should I not mind?

Almost exhausted, one more time Ri. Another chance and we'll call it quits. I mean, I. I know I still believe. I wouldn't still be here if not. I don't know what I'm doing even so, I have been here before. It's a funny place from where I am standing, although it's just me. I have always been a fool. Isn't it great, everything around us: the disaster built from what once was pure. It is to know, learning even more how not all that is wicked will pin you to the floor. Why put things on hold when I know I'm on my own.

He will tell me otherwise. Or that it's no different on his side. Tell me we are all meant to. I used to believe that too despite knowing what it could be if not, as things will be when we find out. I'm getting there, I feel it seeping through the growing void in my soul. Back and forth from losing it all. I'm holding on to the bit of sanity I have always had in me. Don't leave it empty, I try filling it with the light on my side. The sun might not shine my way but I have owned memories from a dark place, all the good that kept me going, everything I tie around my neck not to forget.

If I choose to walk away, will it be okay? Perhaps better, I tell myself what he told me. I know you feel me too. Or is it the substance in my system. Maybe delusion illustrating a dream meant for others. I don't want what I used to and I fear I might not want it all together as I once believed I didn't. When it all decreases and vanishes in the cold, which I hope not, remember me for what I was but know it was my decision to leave it all behind over everything unkind.

If I lose my stand and decide to; what I gave,
all I ever was or parts of me, is still a part of what used to be to you,
find me where you left me. If it is meant to, I will be there.


Monday, 19 March 2018

moving over.

As she loved herself more than he was ever able
rather more for herself now
much enough for the both of them
she eventually forgot how it was like
to be in love with the man she soon left.

-since you went away.


a second thought.

Still the same, there are moments it rings in my head a bit too bold for me to ignore. Like your heart beating out off your chest except it's just a feeling. I tell myself it's just a feeling- bursting out of the blue awaiting for its time to pass.


Saturday, 17 March 2018

for you-fyfe.

You were fine before, they would tell me.
Questioning how I became so disordered.

To them, it's them. I'm always not the person they thought I was or knew. I changed, is often said in the end. Come around when I'm better, together again they notice me rotting and it perturbs them. Like I said, they think it's them. Though say it's me.

Well it is, in a way. Of course I'm dandy, yes I'm still breathing. I look alive most times, how could I not be? Then again it was them. I picked up the pieces they left me with because I could not let myself rot without feeling as guilty and responsible for the people around me and them. I stood back up so they did not have to live, if they thought of it, with their conscience latch on past mistakes or regrets to come towards me. Because it might not have been love to them but it was just love for me. It was love that made me.


Friday, 16 March 2018


How is it like I wonder,
to see the one you let go of, love someone else more.


Tuesday, 13 March 2018


Believe in me, be patient please.
You need trust and to be given time.

Patience and space,
a trust built and improved,
limitless, invincible.


Sunday, 11 March 2018

end of the fire.

They say,
"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

But nothing is more painful to see than a love lost;
two cut in halves, a whole now destroyed.

Was the ego worth it, have you won back your pride?
Has the pain subsided, did you get back your mind?