look at me now.

Tuesday, 1 May 2018


Second hit, a bit lighter now. Head is heavy still, feeling as if it were being stretched upwards- sometimes the inability to feel is so much of a bliss. Partially insane, this need to retreat sounds like the escape of a lifetime. I'm just unsure if I have that much time. Violent tendencies, entities of my mind going in and out, dropping silent hints of negative although somewhat tempting ideas. Tying down the urges, I still feel like running towards the light. 

The end of the tunnel is always so bright, I'm brought back to days I last felt alive with what I no longer have. It's always hard to let go of what you are afraid you will wish to never encounter. I must have been mistaken to think it was anyone but myself I should fear the most. I know to me a bond that is cut to soon be destroyed is a broken mirror fixed by glue. Manageable, understandable, imperfect as us, however the reflection is what it is. 

How courageous are you to have let it go yet again, 
how brave can I possibly be to do it the way that suits me? 
My head continues to argue.


Saturday, 21 April 2018



At the end of each day, still the same;
"I sayang you".

Think you wish I didn't.


Friday, 13 April 2018

plot twist.


Kan tiba harinya dimana akhirnya akan kamu sedari,
jikalau waktunya, andai kata takdir sudah tertera,
walau setiap saat diambil tidak mungkin dipulang mahupun diputar kembali,
setelah setiap satu yang dijelas berulang kali sehingga lali yang mendengari,
sekian lama aku menanti, jemu beria menidakkan yang iya,
dan pada waktu jantung aku hampir terhenti buat kali ketujuh puluh tujuh,
akan kembali segala memori yang aku yakini asalnya daripada kamu-

lalu mekarnya harapan bahawa segalanya sepertimana kita harapkan,
tiba masa aku bangkit semula namun mampukah aku membuka mata sesiapa,
jikalau mata kamu masih dikaburi segala yang sudah berlalu,
apakah tiada maaf bagiku atas segala yang hapus ditanam hari,
walau bagaimana pun seringkali tidak walau sekali, aku meminta,
segala jenis derita dan neraka dunia ke atas kamu,
ketahui aku tidak pernah gemar walau hati aku kamu cemari-

sungguh aku tertanya, terperdeya,
ya bodohnya aku percaya,
pada suatu hari,
jika kena masa,
mungkin yang tiba itu lah dia-

ia lah cinta,
atau hanya
seorang manusia.


Monday, 2 April 2018

Sunday, 1 April 2018

old flame.

A brand new knife. The tiles overly tempting. A type of liquid to knock you out. Excessive smoking. Too much sleep or not at all. Appetite lost. Drowning in liquor. Smelling of garbage. Skin drying, breaking. Water consumption decreasing. Mental health receding. Vision blurring. Itching to move. Struggling not to. Focus disordered. Mind muddled, cluttered. Body thrown all over. Disoriented. Deteriorating.

"You don't love yourself"

Not that. But okay.


Saturday, 31 March 2018

a way out.

Slowly creeping up on me, I know it's calling for a home. Physically unhealthier. A bit ill, to be positive. I can never really be left on my own for too long before the tendencies start reemerging. I can see myself sinking 7 feet underground. The tranquility in letting it all go gives me some peace of mind but I am to hold on right until I have done it all and then, is when I go.

Everything has just been another distraction. I told you, I can't even focus. Stick to the plan every now and other day but I am dispersing as much as I make myself believe I am able to stand my ground and continue without breaking. Again I am so close to succumbing to the demons in my head but I tell myself that this time it is different. It's not like that, I just need a rest. I want to give up but I can't.

Sitting in silence, the noise gradually loudening. Spacing out, I know it's easier to enter me now.
Claiming I'm unable when in mind I'm off to go, I'm not trying to care about me now.


in the lost, i'm found.

I want to know. Tell me every thing, every little detail of what you have in mind.
Tell me anything you want. Ring me, text me, say hi, I don't care.

Just be honest.

I'm not interested for small talks that lasts forever but goes nowhere.
I want to know what you have no one to tell, give me all you have got.

And I will remain silent.

Know how I am willing to listen. How I would help if I can.
If I need to, if you wanted me, though I'm better off with my distance kept.

You don't have to care.

Don't even bother, you are not obliged to. Only here for a good cause, I am not one to last.
I do not need another lie, I am not to get attached- you don't have to promise me.

I'll be gone before you realise.


Never left, just missing. You can find me if you're desperate, if you need me or if you wish to.
Because it might be too late when you finally come to acknowledging that I have always been there. Where you left me or when I left you, I will answer if I need to. And if the dial ends before you hear my voice, perhaps it's not me you need the most. Perhaps it's someone else. Or you just need you.


I don't care but I do, even if I don't know you.
You never ask, you don't try. Kept to yourself, a bit  too afraid.

How do you think I felt?

Unable to say all I previously shared but trust me if you want.
I might not be able to stay or give the same but I will be there.

Another friend nonexistent but here.
Imaginary, I exist when you believe.

Like the last bit of sanity and peace left before you hallucinate.
I'm only present when everything else isn't.

Right before it all falls into place and I'm absent.


Thursday, 29 March 2018


Arif berkata-kata,
balik-balik perkara sama.

Siapa sahaja yang mampu
atau betul mahu
menampung tanggungjawab bersama?