look at me now.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

i wish i can save you.

Who'll save you if I can't? but can I?

I see she keeps it all to herself, she keeps it in without knowing how much it'll kill her slowly inside. I look at her from the side, she's doing her homework, figuring how to do fractions or wtv math shit that's in that book of hers, thinking to myself of how I could help, when I know I can't. I'm not helping, never am. I've been nothing more than an annoying complicated piece of fullashit burden lately. I pity her, for having me.

I fear that one day, she'd end up to be more screwed up than I'll ever be. due to lack of attention, lack of trust. What if her friends end up to be more of a bitch than the ones I've been with before or if she falls in  love with a guy who only wants to take advantage of her, what if things fall apart and I'm not around to tell her how everything will end up being okay? What if she starts hurting herself to pleasure herself just to keep the pain away? She's innocent, bright but naive. Society have gotten uglier, we live in a generation where bad is good and good is about to go through the same path as dinosaurs; extinct. How will I ever look out for her when I can't even get myself straight. I see her smiles and laughs, bliss, but then her eyes, it tells a different story. I've never actually been there for her, I've never actually listen. I wish I can save her but how could I when I'm the one who needs to be saved? When I'm the one who's bringing her down, making her believe less-in everything. Now I understand how my brother felt when I was growing up, having bad influence as friends and being too young with so many boyfriends. He worries about me. Worries of who I might become. I also worry if this girl becomes what my brother was so afraid of me becoming but, we learn from mistakes & I hope that she does too. I hope she takes care of herself the way I have never did to myself.

 If I were able to, I would. I'm trying, I swear just, it's hard to change when you don't want to. I'll try to be there, I don't wanna end up creating a junior 'me'. She deserves better, she still could fix what I couldn't. 

yours truly, riri.

friendship intruder.

I'm just an outsider .

She's met you before I did and you two have been bestfriends ever since. Then I came into the picture, suddenly bugging this stable friendship of yours. A stranger, it wasn't easy to let someone you don't know a thing about except for her name to just barge in and ruin everything you've planned together. I was indeed the third person. I came changing almost everything and to be honest, I never planned to. 

We started talking about feelings and troubles and all and I realised that we've gotten closer, that I've gotten more attached. The more attached I was with you, the more I distance myself from her and this wasn't right. You two are meant to be and who am I to be separating you two from each other and this is when I realised that I don't belonged. I'm just one of those people who come around just for awhile than I'm back to my own way walking away and leaving things behind. Pardon me if I decide to distance myself because sometimes I do what I think is best furthermore without me there won't be much change and soon I'll just be another distant memory. I don't wanna be anyone's anything for I'm still traumatised for what I've been through before. I'm scared if it will happen again.

yours truly, riri.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

ms. everything's so perfect.

You're always going be the centre of attention. Always. No matter where you go.

Your life is a miserable mess you say. Yeah I get it. I know you more than anyone else in this world, more than you yourself but you don't know how lucky you are actually. You have friends who really cares about you, you have someone that'll be there when you need 'em, there's this guy who loves you with all his heart, even if you don't have a bestfriend as you said so before you still have a lot more friends who you can talk to or would actually like to talk to you. Life's mess up but you still have a lot that could and would make you smile and laugh your ass off each day. You're too pretty that people don't give a shit about the language you use and the things you say no matter how inappropriate it might be/sound. Almost every guy likes you, even the ones who once claimed to like me. You're like a celebrity and everyone adores you. Even your ex (s) can't just ignore you and let you go like that;they still come around and talk to you once in awhile. Your guy, he loves you more than you love him. I can prove it, he keeps telling me.

When I'm with you, you're like a reminder of everything I'm not. Telling me of how perfect you are without even actually telling me. Unlike you, I'm not fun to talk to. The guy I love the most left me. The person I think as my bestfriend might not even think me as theirs. The person I care about the most cares about someone else more than they care about me. I go through things mostly alone. No, it's my fault really. I choose to be this way. It's just sad you know, knowing that if people had the choice to choose between you and me that 4/5 of them would choose you. I'm always runner up when there's you. No one's ever hurt you the way they hurt me. You're just one of the lucky ones. People praise you because they want to, because it's real while most people praise me because they're just trying to be nice. You see the difference? You get so insecure with yourself at times, I just can't help but to imagine how insecure you'd be if you were in my shoes. You don't get it, I've been compared to you since we were small. It's never that easy to get use to the fact that everybody loves you more.

yours truly,riri


It's not about how life treats you, it's how you handle it.

So hi everybody,miss me? Not that you care.
Life, life's been the same. Just like everybody else, at times it's nice and at times it's a total bitch but I'm already getting used to it. I realised that no one's gonna stay. Screw bestfriends, screw promises, screw guys, screw love, I say this way too often. It's obvious ain't it? I'm just waiting to be proved wrong. Good friends, a lot of them, I see them everywhere, but bestfriends? I no longer know what that is. You see after being left, backstabbed, and all shit you can think of, I find it so hard to find this thing you call 'best friend'. Love, oh boys, let none of them bring you down- I keep telling myself. I trust no one these days. No one's actually there for me. It's basically my fault. I've distance myself from people. I can't afford to let myself get hurt so easily. The walls I built I won't let it tumble down. As I said before I am armed to the teeth, I put my guard up so high.

Promises, forever, oh enough. Don't bullshit me. I've stop believing in all those. People change, feelings fade and people leave. Been there done that, hate it. I got issues. I'm depending on myself too much nowadays. I want someone to be there but at the same time I wish no one would ever show up because things like this will get us attached and every time I get attached to someone and start to love them, that is always when suddenly they decide to leave me as if nothing had happened between us. Enough is enough.

Still, things are better now since I'm not putting my hopes on anyone but myself. I believe that I won't let myself down. At least, I won't leave me like everybody else does. I don't expect anyone to care anymore.

yours truly, riri.

damned, they say.

I can't believe how, I'm addicted to it.

Who would've thought it could bring bliss to me. It's like heaven running through your arms. The more I do it, the more relief I feel. I remember how I swore I would never do this, well I got myself more sins apparently. I never knew this would happen, never knew how good it felt. I just couldn't stand not being able to do anything useful for myself or for others. I'm a disgrace to myself. No, I'm okay just, a little bit confuse. I look at my body and all I could think of is,what have I done to myself? What an idiotic question to ask for something you already know the answers to, don't you think?

"You know what, you're actually really brave" I remember she said. "No I'm not, if I was I wouldn't have done all this" I replied, feeling so ashamed. "Yeah that's what you think but deep inside you don't know how strong and brave you are", trying to convinced me to believe of what I find untrue. That was the first time anybody has ever said anything like that to me. She was by far the only person who keeps saying all the things I've always wanted to hear, those things I wish people would think of me. She's leaving me soon too, unfortunately. Well we all got our own path to walk on.

Life just knows when to kick me down and push me around. It always hurts me where it hurts the most. Trying to break everything I have but as always, I won't let it. I might be weak and alone but I'll never let myself break. The whole world is turning their back on me, head up and I'll walk like nothing's wrong. Alone like a boss. Fear no one, trust no one, be true to who you are, breath in and out, keep calm and keep going.

yours truly, riri.