look at me now.

Monday, 31 December 2012

end of 2012.

I don't know whether it was time that flew and me that was oblivious to it reason being I was having too much fun this year, which is totally not it or maybe it was because I let time slip away as I waste my days doing what I would never thought of doing the year before. As lifeless as I can get, I'll say.

Happiness has become so general. Define happiness. The laughs, cries and joy I couldn't keep it all with me. Not because there were too many but because there wasn't much and keeping them just reminds me of how empty most of the time I was. I wouldn't deny the fact that there some things I don't have the heart to leave behind; with hopes it won't hurt me as much.

I've come to the point where I don't want to remember anything and honestly, I've forgotten half of it. I'll let go of what I no longer have. I can no longer be what I once believed I was, and was actually, were.

I would ask and hope for 2013 would be better but something tells me I'm not ready for it to.

yours truly, riri.

a reminder.

In a small box, hidden under books, I found you, us.

FROGGY 2011, it wrote. So I braced myself for the flashbacks to come. The things I wrote before, the things I've said, the "me" I no longer am, it all started with him. I've changed so much since I met him. So much I have learned and so much I start to appreciate. I remembered how I wanted to marry him but I knew the feelings weren't mutual even though he did love me, just not as much as I thought.

I remember everything. Some I even remember the date. Guess those were one of the happiest moments of my life. I was living life - more to a fairy tale. However, fairy tales don't usually have a happy ending do they, or maybe it wasn't one. Maybe I just got my head stuck in the clouds. Finally reality brought me back to earth. 

Should I throw all the memories away, the photographs and the letters? Why should I throw something that once made me so happy. It's not like it'd kill me inside seeing all the things that reminded me of what I lost. How can something so beautiful cause so much pain? Because that something meant a lot to you once. Thankyou xx

yours truly, riri.

all on the bell.

The thought of school sickens me, even so I can't deny that there's times when I dread for the school bell to ring - and back to the world we go.

It's the same thing every time. Everyday at noon I drag my feet across the living room to the door and out I go to the gates of the school I walk in and as always wishing I was somewhere else. Then there are my friends, their obnoxious jokes and weird inappropriate at times crazy yet funny conversations never fails to make my day.

I'd think wouldn't it be easier for me to home school and then it'd hit me - there wouldn't be friends like this to get you motivated when things get way too boring you could just die, now would they?

You know what's pathetic? Come to think of it school is the only life I have so far. It's almost like there's nothing I can look forward to after school. Random things happen there while it's the same thing over and over again at home. School's also like the only place I could go to to escape from every burden and problems I have to deal with - since I'm not allowed to go out with friends, sometimes not even with cousins.

We have fun, we get in trouble, we sometimes are, surprisingly obedient but of course most of the time doing what we like and want. It's great how one minute we're talking about how boring the teacher is and the next we start getting deep. Yknow feelings, family problems and shit? I get stuck in the moment at times, clinging to it, wanting time to stop just for a little longer. Feeling like a happy family after so long I haven't felt this way but then..

and it's back to our home we go.
separated until we meet again.

I dread for that moment to end. It's a different circumstance all over. It's like we are only as one at that time, in that class and when the bell calls, it's over. As if everything we just did, meant nothing as each of us rushes back home. For the bell to ring and my friends jumping and running their way out, I usually stand alone thinking - am I the only one who feels this way?

yours truly, riri.

new year in silence.

Sitting in the living room, something’s missing but I couldn’t quite put a finger on it. Since when did things get so blue. What happened to me, my friends, family. Where was I going wrong, I thought. There was nothing to look forward to that day. No one was with me. People were having fun, waiting to countdown ; friends,family, together. Meanwhile I was hoping for everything to just end. End in what sense? I was still contemplating about that. It was either I just wanted to move forward and leave the shit I made behind, or I just wanted to get 2013 over with as soon as I could without a second thought. I have a feeling I’ll regret the thought though, but that’ll be a different story. Everything seems a blur but then again, maybe that’s just me. Again, another new start without the ones who has my heart. I guess this is one of the most quiet new years.

Yours truly, riri.

tragic end.

So this is how it feels like: nothing.
I remember the first few months. How it hurt so bad although you were still mine. Wondering was it because I just love you too much or my body and mind was subconsciously telling me how I needed to leave before this thing becomes permanent. As if it was a sign that I’d be happier if it ends. A wake up call.

I kept myself together and faced the music. I rooted the thought in my mind of how this, and you, are just another lesson, another sick joke that was never real. I don’t blame you for what you did. You might not have a reason to it but I’ll pretend like you do and it was actually a legit one. It’s funny really but I guess I felt it since the day you showed up at my door. I was lying to myself as well. I did all I could, you chose to smash what we had into pieces and obviously not feeling guilty about it.

I would call you heartless but I find that a compliment so I won’t. You’re lower than that ‘cause you’d miss me and hear this out; I won’t miss you. The day you betrayed my trust was actually my new beginning and automatically it was like a switch has been click and I couldn’t care less. You turned me heartless in a way. You made me worst than I thought I could be but it’s okay because I would never hurt this way again.
I honestly hope one day you’ll find the one you could actually stay faithful with, the one that makes you realise all these other girls aren’t worth the chase. I wish you all the best.

Yours truly, riri.

me, just a phase.

I've come to the realisation that I, was and will always be just another phase to anyone, at all.

Funny how one day you feel so special to someone and the next you realise you aren't. You met, you got to know each other, you fall for one another, he gets bored, he leaves you,
the end.

Being a phase isn't all bad though. At least I know it wouldn't be more than this. I believe in a few more months I'll be back with myself, every single time. You don't expect much, you can't, you're not allowed to. You're like a spare tyre sometimes, flustering. More like an old petrol station in the middle of nowhere, they need you when they're all out of oil. Like a companion, just a companion nothing more or less. It's like an act, like a loving couple on stage and when the curtains closed, the show ends and here we are again back to the start minus the "us".

That's all that I'll ever be.

I don't believe anyone I love would actually love me the same way. It opened my eyes to the fact that the "love" they speak of isn't the love I know of. Not even the ones I long for. With my condition, my lifestyle, it's almost impossible for anyone to love me. So I go with the flow. Since nothing, no one would ever stick around for long. And maybe, I don't want them too either.

Yours truly, riri.

bound to come.

It was too good to be true. Always is but this time not so.

I read back my last post about how he was family to me. That was what he made me believe, what I made myself believe. Living in lies again, eh? Funny, how I couldn't make sense of it now more than I couldn't back then. I don't get it. Was it me? Was it him? It's like a sick joke. One so funny you forgot to laugh. It's pathetic how you thought you actually meant more than shit to someone then find out you were nothing more than shit. Guess I'm just another phase. Always has been.

Have you ever wondered, each time someone leaves, was anything they have ever said to you were true or all that they've ever done for you were sincere? You're left hanging, thinking of what you meant all this while and wasting your energy on what in the end, has no benefit for you. Losing opportunities because of something as insignificant as this. I have.

Again, I saw it coming. In everything we do, there's an end. And in every relationship I have, it's either a game or I'm just not enough. I've brace myself for when it starts to rain again and all that I have gets blown away. It's me, myself, and I. Shit don't surprise me. I guess maybe it's me too. I had a feeling this was bound to happen and I'm okay. Like they say expect the best, prepare for the worst. It's sad at first but get your head straight, open your eyes and look on the bright side. You were a mistake and I'm learning from you. Here's to what we might no longer have.

Yours truly, riri.

the throne i give to you.

 I trust him.

 I gave him my all. I learned from my mistakes, I learned from my past,being the best was all that I wanted. You love someone with all your heart and I'm not talking about the only 6 months or less thing, I'm talking about the one where you see you can still have in the future, the one you just know would last- at least that's what you thought but that was bullshit. It was unreal and it ended just like the ones before but it hurt so much 'cause this time it was different. It was happiness you never thought you could feel. Vanished into thin air. It changed you. To trust a guy again was just inexplicably hard. To be loved, to know that someone loves you is well okay but you could never fully believe in them. You thought you would never speak of love again as if it does not exist.

"So yeah like I know you might think I'm stupid for this but you know he's been here long enough to become important and trusted. He's a part of my life now, a part of me, a part of my everything. It's at the top you know like Farah and you. Where we hear what people say about you, me, her or him but we don't listen 'cause we know who each other are. Like you and Farah, he's family to me now. Loyalty is what you can find in me. Maybe that girl got played but I doubt it was him. He could leave me and break my heart but he'd never cheat and it's not just the memories, it's also him. His mom, his friends, his stories and his problems, I love them all and I'm willing to risk getting hurt. I got nothing more to lose, lost most of it anyway. I'm holding on to this one, he's the only thing left and I'll be alright even if the ending wont be as happy as we thought it'll be. I'll go w the flow" 


And suddenly this complete stranger walks into your life. So different, so unique, so true and just, you just- you can't help it but to fall for him. Like a one night stand that keeps going on and on but with the same person. He wasn't afraid of being himself, he wasn't afraid to act stupid, he made you feel comfortable around him, he made you feel special and everything was so surreal. To top that, he feels the same way about you. It took awhile to really open up to someone new but he shared a lot with you and the things he tells you, all that he had said-convinced you even more that he wasn't like those before him, that you can trust him.

"Trust me, ri. please that's all that I asked of you" and I did. Everything, everything I never said or never felt, everything was to and for him. However ironically but at the same time expected, it had a twisted ending. You end up thinking and asking yourself was any of that real? Every single fucking day you wonder. Once again, you lost it. Two times in a row. Two times you feel like something is actually real and twice it totally backfired on you. 

Continuing the first sentence of my second paragraph: ...what I said, was what he made me believe in and the trust I've given, once again broken.

yours truly, riri.

stay where you are.

"I thought when he gets better,cyou two will maybe get back together"

What's sad? Seeing two most significant people in your life break apart and with you too, it falls apart. Living separated and soon, one starts moving on; your mum, she starts meeting other guys but nothing serious so you're okay with that even though it gets uncomfortable or weird. Your dad's on the other side of town, there would be times when he would come around and that's when you feel like finally, something normal. A family. Although to them it's not the same. It might never be.

 Some feelings just never goes away, it might fade but it's still there. Maybe one day they'll get back together, who knows. After so long of being together and suddenly nothing more, like seriously, how could there be nothing left, like not even a single feeling of wanting to go back, there deep in their hearts right? It's okay 'cause you're still together even when you're leaving far from each other.

Till one day your mum meets a guy she's actually really serious with. He's not leaving. They're gonna have a baby together. They have you all grown up and out of the blue, a new baby? It gets you thinking, why? Feeling like you're not enough. Feeling like you're subconsciously being push away; put a side.

Like she's starting a new family with him and what about dad, you would think. What about him? You get all possessive. It's your family, it's not to share. It gets to your head than to your heart. You feel like you're gonna be left behind. You know what I'm sayin?

Yours truly, riri.

like we used to.

I was standing still, looking around, oh the memories.
The moments now gone,gone forever.

It's heartbreaking. How did things changed so quickly. Just a moment ago we were there, having fun, laughing our ass off and getting scolded for it and now we barely meet. Even when we do it's not the same. As if it isn't allowed. As we grow older, they block us from being ourselves. "Behave yourself" they say, to the kids who only wants to act their age. We're growing older anyway so why waste our precious moments as kids doing grown-up stuff.

I remembered how silly we were back then, fashion crazy. We were different, in a good unique way. It was shit really, that year, but we made each other felt better. I remember how it felt, it had that one aura. But all I'm left with now is the darkest I've ever known. I wanna run, run and laugh and scream and just have fun. I wanna act like a kid, together, like we used to. Why is everybody expecting us to act like adults when they know it themselves that no way in hell that we are. At least, not yet.

Cried a little inside. Looking at all these and telling myself things like "we used to sit there", "we made a fuss at Toys 'R' Us once there", "we ate and laugh a lot at that place I remembered". It's not the time, it's the moment. Precious priceless moments that they won't let us go back to once again. Where's the replay button, again?

yours truly, riri.

the angle from my nightmare.

To be honest, I miss you, a lot. It’s crazy really. I mean why would I when you don’t feel the same way? Am I the only one who feels this? I feel used.

It’s how things usually ends with me. Maybe I’m just not worthwhile. People, they tend to forget the reason they start one thing, and why they stayed in the first place. Things like these gets me thinking:- was all this just another show and was nothing at all ever real? Until what point was it real? From what point did it start becoming a lie?

I’m not able to sleep and thinking of how we used to talk till the sun rises, doesn’t make it easier. Our routine; everything, slowly stopping bit by bit. I can no longer hear the sincerity in my voice when I tell you that I’m okay and in each of your sorry’s and I love you’s, I hear a force in saying it.

Am I staying for you or are you staying for me? What I dread is how this will end, will we have a closer or maybe I am to be left hanging again? Maybe as always, it wasn’t you who saved me. I am my own angel while you’re the nightmare and all this while I was trying to save myself from you.

Yours truly, riri.

save me a goodbye.

"You want me outta your life, I get it. I just don't know how to do that"

 The riri guarantee loyalty. By just that, I, have officially made myself sound stupid. I find it hard to just throw people aside, or even to throw myself aside for people. If we got to know each other, we've hang, had a good laugh, I'll remember you. I don't easily forget people. No matter how long I haven't talk to them or how short we've known each other.

Even if I was banished from their life, I have my ways of coming back. Usually when they wish I wouldn't the most. The thing is I never stay. I never leave either. I guess I just can't stay committed at the same time I have this thing where I get sentimental and shit. I come and go whenever I feel like it but sometimes it's because I just can't let go.

Then again, I get tired. And when you push me away, way too many times, it hits me on how I'm wasting my time and I finally leave, for real. No more comebacks. If you really mean a lot, you might just see me around sometime, rarely, maybe barely. The only bad things is, "It's like they just turn up and make it hard again just as soon as you get over them" - and well yeah I'm the "them".

Yours truly, riri.


Goodbye dear world, life, that I once knew so well about.

or maybe NOT.

I have separated myself from so many things and people. I've been trying to search for myself again. I'm looking back, making sure I leave nothing behind. Still contemplating on what and who I want to bring a long on this trip of mine. What's worth looking forward to and what's better thrown away.

Who am I to who you are today? To most I am nothing. To some I'm a ghastly memory. To so little I mean everything. I am not important in the life of most that I meet and talk to each day. I feel like I'm not even as important to those who are to me. Maybe we've just drifted so far apart it's just impossible to turn around and go back again to the start or to where we were together. We stay by sight but maybe not by heart. We stay because we have to, because of pity or because there's no other choice. It's sick, really.

Feeling like a second choice or maybe the last option. It wouldn't matter if I vanished into thin air even. Nothing would change. Maybe no one would even noticed. The solitude is calming though it gets dark, it gets lonely. It's been months. My time is running out. One day I'd kill the person I am today. For now it's just too early or maybe I'm just too lazy.

When you live under the same roof but feel like you're separated by a wall ten thousand miles long, when you're a family but there's no love felt, only substitutes like things that's bought for you; temporary happiness, they call it. When you're surrounded by friends, those who makes you laugh and loves you so much yet you feel so alone like there is something missing - the truth, maybe? When you love but there is no trust or sharing. How do you live like this? Why in the first place?

Maybe because the truth is unbearable. Maybe because the only things left that keeps you content are the lies. I don't wanna do this anymore. Isolation is how.

yours truly, riri.

sleepless nights.

Sleep scares me. or maybe I scare sleep.

It's been days since I last slept properly and it's been months since I had enough sleep. I keep waking up in the morning or not even sleeping at all at times.

One of the reasons would be I'm starting to believe that I'll be missing out on something if I waste my nights sleeping even though nothing abnormal happens at all. It's like the night is calling me and I keep picking it up. Other than that, the thought of sleeping and having to wake up to the same old boring routine makes me sick to the stomach. Depress even. Maybe I'm just looking for something different.

I hate waking up with the urge to cry and feeling so lonely and empty at the same time. Also dreading to sleep with this thought that it might be my last. Another reason being :- him. I know it sounds preposterous, silly even but it's not me, it's my mind. subconsciously it's like keeping me awake just because somehow for some reason it wants me to stay and wait, to look out for him.

Maybe deep down inside I just wanna be there for him if he's having difficulty sleeping or just in need of someone to talk to. I just wanna be there for him the way no one was for me. I just care that much about him but I'll never let him know that. I never would want to make him feel guilty by it. I've screwed up so many relationships before, I don't wanna screw this up too.

yours truly, riri.

looking up.

It's funny really, how I care so much of trying to be my best for the people who ends up oblivious to all that I've done for them. Why am I too busy trying to please others anyway, why make them proud, mostly, why try so hard? I guess this is what people who can't manage to be happy or is apparently feeling numb, does : make others happy. Have you ever sit and thought to yourself exactly what are you going to gain with all that you're doing at the time? I have. I know life is more than this but I'm still figuring out where and what is the "more" in that phrase. Sometimes I feel so shitty I just wanna give up but I've gotten so far though I have far more to go I just can't stop now. How will I ever find out what all this is; all that I'm going through right here right now is about, and why it was worth not giving up on before as I am trying my best not to give up now. Wish me luck.

yours truly, riri.

should've been another.

I never planned on becoming rotten. Never wanted to be yours.

I don't take port in what people say or think about me but when it comes to her; to the people I love and care for, everything starts to matter. It all started when I was 10. Growing up finally brave enough to speak up my mind; to fend for myself. Unfortunately in the world I live in, silence is all they'd listen to and what they say is what I have to bear with and obey to.

One thing I know for sure about myself; as sure as knowing that the sun rises from east and sets to west - I've never been the good kid. Well looks are deceiving. I'm that manipulative little spoiled brat. That troublemaker; that nuisance; never the grateful child, never the obedient student, never that good influence for a friend.

Raised by strict parents and guess where it got them - here's the verdict : a child like me. I used to be the good kid. They took me for granted. I told the truth but got none back and as I grew up I start rebelling. Who can I blame if not myself? They made me but, it was my choice. I'm no big problem, really. Even so, you know what they say - It's the small things that get to you. I am the worst part of good and one of the best part of a wreck.

If it's true what they say of how the things people spill out at their moment of rage are the things they've been keeping inside, then my parents deserve a better child. No matter how hard I try I end up the same way. I don't wish to be dead, I wish to never be born. To never exist better yet. Never asked for them to make me, never wanted to be a burden. Without them there is no me, I get it, a lot. Without me one burden would be lifted away from their shoulders. see?

It's not being ungrateful, its serious shit. Day by day I drag them more to hell, feeling guilty about it but still going on with it. Is this the child you want? Is this what you had hoped for? It's clear now.


yours truly, riri.


This time for real. Serious talk. No shit.

It gets lonely don't you think? "Friends" funny shit. They're everywhere. Fake friends, so-called friends, true friends maybe. But I don't live life for commitment on what I don't know if is even real. I take the risk of trying but not trusting. See I've screwed it up. I don't keep in touch with people I know. Just because I'm their friend doesn't mean they are mine or well vice versa. 

 Come in whenever you want, leave when you feel like it. That's how they roll. They don't give a shit. They don't know you. They don't want to. They're just phases to me. I put no hopes on them. What they say or think of me doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter. I mean really what do they know? yeah, exactly. Probably nothing. Don't let people tell you how to live your life.

 I don't mind really. It's no one's fault but my own. I chose being this way. I find happiness in all this devastation. I find peace in solitude. I see the beauty in the beast. Maybe one day,just maybe it'll change. Maybe this will change. Maybe I will change.

Now I'm just holding on to what I have. I'm just appreciating (or at least trying to), the ones who have stayed, who never left. I'm trying to get my head straight once again. Clearing my path,going back on track.

Have you ever sit and wonder why the hell do you even give a shit? I'm flying you see. I'm way out of my mind but my feet is still touching the ground. Wasting my time,wasting my life on nothing at all. What's up with that? And you know what, screw what anyone else thinks. I'll laugh when I feel like it. I'll jump, I'll shout just 'cause I feel like it. I'll dress how ever I want to. I'll say what I feel, I'm going to do me. Eyes on me, mouth open, judge what you see, you don't know me. Bullshit I don't buy, no I'm not gonna cry.

yours truly, riri.