starting old.

I guess I should be used to it by now,
with how things around here work but no,
I'm always hoping for it to get better,
waiting for the day things would change.

When I know it would never.

People, not generally speaking really, I mean the closest or at least important to you or you should be significant to. The one you live with or have gone through life with, so and so. "Family zone", they'll care, really care from the core of their hearts and pay attention, when you are either dying or too much of a burden to handle. That's how things are when you never bother to learn or understand the person next to you. Knowing them for long doesn't prove that you do.

Like that one point where I totally have stopped living, when the only thing I was left doing would be breathing. They worried then. Not much of because they want to or just naturally did honestly, even if that's exactly what they have made themselves believe, but rather because it would have affected the things soon to come. Like my future. Or for me, from what I learned, what everyone else thought of it. I never cared much or at least learn to not bother of what would and should never bother to me but to adults it's not the same thing. Everything seem to matter, except for me, for what was real and to me important. Family, understanding and love, that kind of passion and trust. It never occurs to things or people these days. It breaks my heart and aches my bones to think about it.

They think what I have is just another phase, like everything else that affected me so deeply. I don't wake up every day and have the power to decide that today would be different and just like that, like magic, everything would be, so easily. I have to wake up every day if I even sleep- lately I've been having trouble with that again- and plan what I would do the next day or wish I could and try with all the will I have in me to make it happen, only, if I don't have a melt/break down the next day. Everyday is a decision I have to make and a struggle to get through in real life, not the kind of simple life I've long created in my own mind to distract myself from reality.

To them I've now recovered, at least better than I ever was a couple of months before. Lacking knowledge for how it's just the beginning of a new problem. I've caught up a new disease and I can't even point a finger on it not knowing if it's even true or made up in my delusional destructive mind. No one is going to know until it's too late the way it always will be.

The worst part is, in the process of finding out, realising and noticing, is when all strange habits or so-called mood swings and selfish attitude along with the sudden act ups, everyone is ignorant and oblivious to so much that it will soon break me for every time a finger gets pointed at me. I can't handle that, as much as I can't handle explaining what people should already know and get by now.

-riri-

.

how do you tell the people you love that they are the greatest thing that has ever happened to you and you live for them and is grateful for all the joy that they bring into your life but, that you are secretly planning to kill yourself, without breaking their hearts?

-riri-

nighty night.

Then comes the time where you are fast asleep
while I am on the other side of this state, wide awake
there is no one else on mind
nor are there thoughts of things mostly unrelated to you
I wonder how it feels like to lay next to you
close enough to feel your skin brush against mine
and have you sleep soundly so close to me
to know that you are there
to feel your presence
and breathe in your air
I would stare at your features
and play with your hair
Thanking god for every second we have
and to all the memories we had

or maybe not at all.

My mind would be stuck with the thought of you
here in arms reach, in what seems to be such a vulnerable honest state
and know, just know that you are exactly all I've ever wanted

and I couldn't ask for more.

-riri-

do i wanna go?

People are so afraid of being left,
but for me, there comes a point,
when you have lived and loved,
although it might not be enough,
you fear leaving instead,
hoping for no regrets.

I always feel like it won't be long for me but then again, I'm always here and it bugs me how I am, it sometimes freaks me out more to wish I was gone more often than it is to see me live. What I dread most isn't really any of both, but how one day, I might myself, just finally find the strength to do such a cowardly thing and go. What if, today is the day?

-riri-

"family zone".

It's how 98% of people take advantage of their family, be it parents, a good sister/brother, grandparents, wife/husband or all of the above. Either people realise it but forgets all about it the next second, or they never do. Thinking or having it set in mind that they would always be around. They won't. But because of that mindset, they somehow, most often becomes less significant to you whether you would want to admit it or you don't. Most likely because you're either chasing or keeping someone else's attention and the need for them to stay. Unlike family, who usually have been there since forever. The kind of attachment you can't really cut off even if you have tried to.

I used to be taken aback whenever I get left behind, forgotten about or ignored when it comes to family. Especially when I know to these very few people, I would put them above everything and not only because I have to, but because I want to and I feel like it's what I would want to be done onto me if I were to be in their place. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how important to me a plan is, if it were to them, I'd give it all away. But so rarely have I ever been as important to people as I try so hard to make them that fundamental to me in my life.

Mistakes I know I've made and learned from, same goes to the times I've unintentionally went against my principles but the moment I notice it I would get back on track. I know how it's like to feel a certain way or be treated the same way so god forbids anyone else to go through the same. Too bad not all lessons are learned or comprehended the same way and not everyone goes through the same or would understand.

Sometimes it saddens me, it disheartens me and all I want to do is give up and throw them aside. Treat them exactly the way they treat me, give them a taste of their own medicine. But I'd rather be treated the way I would never treat others than have it the other way around. I would never have the heart to anyway, not to family, or even the people that are family to me. We can never really change anyone without their own consent. Why would we change ourselves to go just as low to their level?

Though I can't deny, there are days much often lately, where I wish it was them instead of me so maybe they'd know, and for once, realise the things they've took for granted.

-riri-

4.49 a.m, don't let me go.

You don't know how badly

I wish I could come around

and hug you as tight as I can

before I go;

I want to squeeze you until you hear my bones crack

until you feel the beating of my heart

 through my sternum bones that's been pocking out of my chest

as you have your hands around what you thought would be my waist

but all you feel are railways like the ones for trains;

trust me how in silence I would bawl to realise I might never know

when would be the last time I'd get to see you

or if it's the last time you'll ever see me.

-riri-

bad things come free to us.

Do you know why I push people away?
Used to think it was to save them,
Once from me and who I was,
to only soon learn,
It was from who I could be,
When my family goes crazy.

It's never pretty.
Trust me.

-riri-

silent kills.

I was raised to believe
I never made sense, I lied
I was unbelievable, rather sick
Indirectly, very subtly,
I've been used, I am brainwashed

To believe all this has been my fault
To be grateful and kept quiet
Whatever that was done unto me
Or was said, should be kept
And left unsaid
Not to be shared
No
Not to be shared

After all I was a liar
After all no one would listen
After all this is just another phase
This happens all the time
This happens to everyone
This isn't a crime

This is just another story
Of the boy who cried wolf,
no?

I have asked for help. All my life I needed help, I wanted help, I plead for help but I've been silent by fear, believing what's never real. Drowning, suffocating, even tried dying. No one ever bothered, or noticed, and when I did reach out, no one believed me the way I expected they would.

Sod off.

-riri-

twentyfourteen: seventeen.

Flashback sikit jap nak kasi nangis.

There were times, remember, when we said we'd never change and we did. We said we'd stay but left. We said we'd have each others back but were nowhere to be found when the time came. We said we'd call or text if anything was wrong but we stayed silent. We said we'd share stories the way we always do but as days passed by we barely did. We said we'd stay tight but drifted away. We said no problem would be too big or too small to talk about but kept it to ourselves. We said no one was more important but there were always times when we pick someone else over each other. Maybe it was you and that some was me. How we came from what we are and wanted to be to who we promised never to have become. But we're just going to that phase of growing up where we find ourselves rather lost and confuse.

Tapi yknow, in the end no matter what we always find a way to each other. You'll always be in my thoughts. Although I barely ever go to you first to say hello or ask how you are, I always think about it. I know I can't do much to help lately, often, this year I would say the hardest for me to, but I try to. I try find ways to and I can't always do. I've lost that mind I used to have, the kind that worked so well into making things or saying what would make you feel better, smile or laugh the way you do with people other than me I have noticed. I know how it feels like to be you and I know that it isn't like that at all, that you're only able to be the way you are with them because you can never really be who you are 100% to let them know about those moments of sudden sadness and madness. If that is all I am even to you, I am glad I am a part of what seem so fundamental to your life and health.

Remember the things we planned and how we put so much effort into making it work? How now, we don't anymore. And even if I want to, I can't tell if it's just much of a deal to you as it is to me. Not to forget the things we planned for the future and how from the looks of it, things are going it's own way. Sometimes things happen and whatever we plan or hope for doesn't but I will always be here and whether or not times are hard for me, no time is wasted if it means it is to keep you happy. I haven't been very good but I need you to know your absence or presence is none of the reason. I wish you wouldn't go so hard of yourself. It never mattered what you achieved or haven't and didn't, I see only the good that's left in you. Or at least that's what I bother to focus on. I hope one day you do too.

How you see yourself is what you want to make and believe. I don't blame you, I'm not much different but know to so many, you are perfect the way you are and they wish they could be you. You'd think that's only because they don't know you, well I do, and still I think you are beautiful. We don't need everyone to accept our ways anyway. I can't let myself see you throw your life away, I can't bear the thought of you or anyone going down the road I am going. I need you to go on, for you, because god knows you can I believe there is more in life for you than what you think there is left. I do. It doesn't matter, I repeat it doesn't fucking matter whatever anyone else says about you if it's something negative, the kind that doesn't do good to you, even if it's from yourself, because you are beyond that.

I want you take care of yourself. I don't just mean eat healthily and sleep 8 hours a day, I mean be careful with people and who you let in, be careful with your own thoughts and your surroundings. I mean, don't destroy yourself for the sake of everyone else. I will always be here for as long as I can and I love you. Seventeen and you're the only Farah Najwa Ahmad I know and have adored. Happy Birthday Bbmew. Live life while you can, be happy for what you have and think of why you should  appreciate what you don't. Sometimes the things we cannot have are the things that would wreck us if we did and what we have or need to go through are what makes us who we are, whether bad or good that is for you to decide.

We make laughter to stop tears

We don't know where to go from here

We come tired from chasing dreams

With you I swear that nothing's change.

-riri-

to what & how it all started.

And they asked me,

"Where did we go wrong?"

Often I find myself in need to answer things truthfully but rethink my answers if that maybe, it was selfish, childish or didn't make much sense at all in the end. Then again, maybe I am being me by turning it around to the point where the light would be shine on me of how it wasn't anyone else's fault but my own. Since, of course, we are responsible for the state we are in as to what we feel or do is most probably even if sometimes not, are the way it is by our consent. Although deep inside I knew it wasn't only me even if to me 99% of it was. It started of with my parents, still on going, but I've come to terms with how this has been a game of two and if I wasn't playing along then might I have not become what I am today. What happened or is still occurring and how it has or had affected me is to be put behind for now. 

Second would also be where I was brought up and how or with whom I spend most of my times with. For me I would say it'd be school. I didn't or never really, I supposed after moving 265 km away, hang around much with people my age how normally I know, kids my age would. I never mind much about it until some time later on but I'd rather not explain. If I look back at it, it seems strange how I have been bullied physically, mentally, verbally and one kind I would rather not mention. I wouldn't be proud of getting through any of those phases and "making it" as I assume it's normal to most people as well and how they go through the same so just like everyone else, I'm nothing special and would not really have I dreamed of being more anyhow nowadays. 

People are all the same in this matter. Although I have believe there are good in this world, so never mind me as everything is either in general or contradictory when it comes to the way I think. I never liked the way I was treated by people ever since, but it never bothered me or at least I never took port into letting it. People are insignificant speckles of dust you never would have noticed unless you wanted to anyway.

After awhile I grew and it sort of just snowballed into something new, heavy, and burdening. Still I never let it took control. I learned about people more or what I would prefer to call human actions and existence, I let them in, kick them out, whatever that made sense for when it happened. Again, people- I let them multiply enough into the size of a dust bunny and that was when I should've known I was to get fucked over. It was no deal the first or the second time, soon the third and so on yet still it was bearable but at one point when you are the kind of person I am, giving out every bit of you to everyone and every ounce of trust and innocence you kept in as a kid, to people who were in it to fuck it, you rot from the inside and die at one point on the out. It's always the people you trust- that's the third thing you should look out for, because it's one of the only few things you have control over.

But as to who I am, nothing came out when asked and I swallowed everything like there wasn't ever a lump in my throat stuck there from years before, as if that was so easy it meant exactly nothing at all to me and I continued life as I always did. How I fell into this pit of depression and the countless relapse or recovery didn't matter to them if they were always going to be the reason, I couldn't change if I wasn't able to leave when where I am and what I have to go through everyday is what makes me, but I needed to survive and here I am.

-riri-

that nostalgic shit.

You know, the one where you feel like you go back in time 

or at least, your conscience do.

It was at that time, when things went downhill and I went back to this one Starbucks I used to wait at with Farah or Sya, talking to Far basically for hours waiting for my mum and it was utterly different this time. It was hollow, cold, empty and rather dull; it wasn't the place itself, but my state of mind. It had me feeling dejected. It brought me back to days in Manjung and how I resented going back. I didn't want it to be that way, it needed to change. It needed to go back to the way it was because for once after so long, I needed and wanted things exactly the way they were. Astonishingly I wanted to go back in time and stay there, I didn't want to move on or forward. I was so desperately in need of what I lost on the way here. The kind of nostalgic feel I didn't need, made me realised things were to be fix and that I needed to get him back.

I wasn't going to go back to 2013, through Starbucks with its atmosphere and what I felt inside then minus how I no longer own the people I once did now, I didn't want to do that. Not without him.

-riri-

king's.

I woke up today,
too late,
with the curtains close,
and the lights open.

I didn't notice at first until I walked past my study table to get to the bathroom when I saw a purple plastic bag on it. I know what it was, food; pastries. Pizza bread, cheese bread, baby croissants as I would call it, things I can't or find it hard to stuff into my mouth these days and it made me almost teary to be remembered and cared for this way although only in this way most times. When all I'm going to do is disappoint them. Everything I'm doing is causing myself to wither away and I'm starting to fall back behind and it gets me bonkers to think about, so I don't, which only makes it worst for everyone else and I feel like I can't go on.

my sweetheart.

No one would ever thought or could see, why he means so much to me. What I have done or would do isn't as momentous to me as how much I live for him for the times he went through with me, for every moment he sacrificed or take time to comfort me and the things he has said and meant and made me believe and it seem like I've said this too many times or has said the same about those previously essential to my life but every time is different and he is the best by far and god knows how I want him to be the only one there is. When you know, you know. There are moments way too often where I tell myself how much of a sweetheart he is made and created so flawlessly for such a crooked person like me and I couldn't be more thankful or grateful. I want this, more than anything.

-riri-

night Far thoughts.

Sometimes I have all these things crossing my mind when it comes to him. The good, the great, the best. The fears, the doubts, the past. It didn't matter as much as he did, he does. Each sleepless night I get the privilege to wonder about him, sink into my imagination and thoughts of how beautiful things are with him around. I fail to put it perfectly into words for every time I try, he is the kind of flawless you can't explain. Despite the physical flaws or mistakes human makes, through my eyes I am captivated. Wishing it was me next to him all wrapped around him instead of the blanket that keeps him warm for comfort. To get hold of his face whenever I please and stare into such perfection. He's intensely beautiful it gets me bonkers. It's just amazing, how just by writing it down, describing him brings me such joy and excitement. It gets me all twirly and giggly and butterflies and unicorn, rainbows!

It hits me then, at random moments most of the time, almost always, that I am once again starting to feel. More human around him then I am with anyone else at all these days. He is mostly, everything to me and all that I am or have left of what I used to be and god, for the I don't even know how many times- I am so lucky to have encountered him in life and have him hang around once more. I could literally say without a second thought or exaggeration that life without him is no life at all, to go through that once and learn the level of misery and disconsolation state I have never thought I would subconsciously put myself into. To get a grasp on what we had one more time and be given a chance to make it right, left me with more than I deserve.

I am the happiest, to be with him and I cannot pressure enough the fact that I am deeply in love with Far it almost seems hallucinatory but I am perfectly conscious of this. I have never been so sure in my life.

-riri-

odd one out.

Out of all of us that went through,
I was the only one who didn't get through.

I somehow feel, or felt at one point that everyone knew or expected me to be where I am now. Then again maybe that's just me believing how people perceive me the way I imagine they do when in fact maybe that was never the case. I think through every time at times it makes me feel as if I'm delusional or yet subconsciously how everything I think yet not bother about when it comes to people's thoughts of me are really just thoughts of myself from my perspective I've kept hidden under all the confidence, oblivion and ignorance I choose to stand by for.

I'm here with sudden things knocking on the door of my mind dragging me out to look beyond myself, to drop by everyone else's life and how much everything has changed. Difference is, it was never about everything or anything but me. It isn't about how fine people are without me around or how successful they have become after cutting me off and how right my subconscious and their parents' words were. It's how I'm stuck in this very path trying to casually and normally according to schedule move on to the next but I'm unable to or I don't or I can't and the thought of realising which one I am just blacks me out. Then I wake up, and realised I'm the only one left.

They're all gone and fine and I'm here trying to try.

-riri-

to be so close to the edge.

September 2nd.

Somehow I like the feeling of how tipsy I get after swallowing a bit more pills than I should. Like the clouds is in hands reach and my toes can't touch the ground but it's not like that, it's not like that at all. Maybe you learn to get used to the sickness or you adapt to how hard things could get for you and realise it gets easier but when it does, it's no fun, no fun at all no more.

So you pop out another, a couple or few and as you lay on bed with your hands on your chest, you can feel your heart beating a bit faster than it usually does. Running, racing, as if rushing towards another body, and it might scare you that it would slow down, slow down too much, too much until no more, and you can't count or notice how slow it has been beating.

No more sound
No more pumps
And it's not funny anymore
It's not fun to know
That your heart has stopped
Your heart has stopped
It's not fun to know
or not to know
That you are dead
To never have feel life before.

-riri-

the end never ends.

September 2nd.

It's not committing suicide that hurts, it's the pain of realising how you let people get the best out of you just to put you in your worst, and that it was you that let it happen, to the point where your mind or anyone makes it so easy to believe that taking your own life away would make it all better, that although it would have never solved anything, that no matter how selfish, it was for the best. Or maybe rather nothing but a vindictive act.

I don't think that is at all as bad as it could get, but the thought of how when you do, nothing would change. Does it kill you to know that your existence was that insignificant and irrelevant to those around you?

-riri-

on top of the world, below yourself.

September 2nd.

When the feeling wears off, I become aware of my surroundings, I am reminded by my condition, my state of mind, my mistakes, and how I am unable to function the way I once did. It petrifies me to the bones, to wait for such awareness, to be so awake while my body shuts down. I tell myself I need more, I need more, just another or two when I know it hurts to. One debate after another but we let the demons win at one point or the other don't we now? There is an ironic pleasure in pain that I could never put a finger on. It might be of some sort of an ego thing, of how your mind lets you believe getting through one hardship as you ignore another, makes you feel superior, knowing what could hurt or break you can't, as you slowly do inside, as you let yourself die.

-riri-

they say the incapable are most capable.

I used to always wish to be blind. I find that it would help, not only me but everyone around me. What I don't see, I won't hear. What I don't hear, I won't learn. What I don't learn, I might never do. And what I have never done, I would not get blame for. It's safe. Sometimes deaf, so I wouldn't need to hear the shouts, the name callings, or to be reminded of how foolish and stupid I am, as if I don't already know myself. As if I never tried.

would I be special then

would I still be special

or ever would I be

nothing but another inconvenience.

-riri-

i know now.

I never knew that there would be a day where no words are to be said, but to get the chance to hold your hand once again.

I never knew there would be a day where I didn't need to stay hidden, from feelings I can't deny, to be able to feel your embrace and the beating of our hearts as one.

I never knew there would be a day where we may walk side by side without a care in the world of whatever that occurs as our eyes are set and glued to each other.

I never knew that good things ever come around twice the day I lost you, to think there would be a day that you would turn to change your mind another time.

I never knew, there would be a day where we would be us one more time, us against the world for one more try, like we promised,

Till today.

-riri-