the door.

Almost everyone I know tells me to fuck it.
They say fuck you. I tell them, okay.

I cannot change how one would distinguish things. I stayed when I had every reason not to. I suppose that in the end, the longer something is with me, the more prone it is to destruction. I can never save you and you will all eventually drown me. I'm fine, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I feel as if I will always love him more yet he could never really love me. It's funny how I let myself go through these. I know it is. I've heard people laugh about it before. I think I'm tired, of standing up for what prefers sitting down. I might just be done. He can go do whatever he wants.

-riri-

nasib.

Ahh dari mula hingga sekarang,
semua ini hanya salah faham.

-riri-

future in the past midst of the present.

I've been told of you before we ever met.
I found you in April two years back
every 4am
and each time I'm brought back
to every writing of the dreams I never had.


You were there.


Please go.
I can't take it anymore.

-riri-

mystery man of the night.

Why is it does he seem so familiar-

Something about the moment between us and the time for everybody else to walk back to where we were.

How the ending did not feel like the initial plan of the journey from the beginning.

It must have been in my head, or he just feels as right as I wish he would not have been.

I came across an old posts when his face came to mind,

now wondering, who is it exactly he is this time?

-riri-

good.

She took a glance at me and told me how I look good.

Funny, I just met him. I think it's just how your hair is when you haven't bathe.

I don't look good mum, I'm just fine.

-riri-

truth.

It was the pain in her eyes, that told him otherwise.

-riri-

unrolled.

As if dating a ghost; being in love with an imaginary friend only you can see; married to someone who doesn't exist- What is it that you are trying to be so very loyal to when there is nobody else but you?

-riri-

connection.

I forgot how it was like until now. Perhaps it was you I felt all this while.
I thought the weight was mine until you left and it felt light.

-riri-

if seeing is believing.

That's the thing about people, you believe what you see.
Yet forget what you know.

-riri-

the home in you.

Tell me, if with me you feel at home.
Because with you, I still do.

-riri-

what's funnier than 24?

Why do I see you,

in twenty five years time?

-riri-

real.

If we were to be the lucky ones,

despite the distance, and the time frame

of then, now, soon, to the day we meet again for the first time in so long,

over all the changes, of how much we have grown and learnt so much from,

in all our differences and all that is different,

I am still the same even in this silence, 

while you are who you are to me even with the modifications,

and us, I, you, us, we, still feel what we felt.

What we felt, we still feel,

what we always have had.

Could we be real?

-riri-

flat.

I am not empty,

I am nothing.

-riri-

in the love you lost.

Do you miss a person, or do you miss all that you've been through?

Is the person who is missing or is it all that they have done for you?

If anyone were to ask, I might not be the one to say that you are missed.

I do not know if I do. I do not know if you were to miss me too.

Perhaps I cannot be bothered at all whether or not that you do.

There are moments, still, where I can never be able to bring myself to pick up the phone and call you.

There are days where my heart aches so bad, I know my fingers are tricking me into texting you yet I will refuse.

With this I turn to Him.

I talk to god about you.

I tell Him everything.

I ask the Almighty of my next move.

Some moments I cry when I do.

Some days I still cry for you.

I do not know if I miss you.

Though I could not deny with all honesty,

that every ounce of me still loves you the same

but different.

That perhaps,

in this love

the prayers

these tears

is me

still

subconsciously

missing you.

-riri-

light.

In the freedom you receive,
are you as free as you wish to be?

-riri-

stricking clock.

"You are the love of my life".

And I have loved every part of you inside and out.

Every good and every bad. All the insecurities no one would have had.

It must have been hard, to admit it was all a mistake.

How we are made up from the start, the biggest lie to commit.

Thankful still.

Thank you for everything.

-riri-

to and for you.

I pray to god you receive all that you love but lost. May the friends you cherish and family you hold close once again become your home. Love is letting go and seeing you grow. You are not mine to hold and I am the stage you already know. I hope everyday is a day closer to all that you wish to own. This is no longer my place to be, I have done all I have been told. I am contented with all that is bound for you that has been arriving on your doorstep bit by bit for you to keep and take care of. 

As days passes, I find that what you are looking for is in arms reach if it is time and when the time comes, I hope you never let it go. Subconsciously I know you never will. I wish I could tell you how it is I feel deep down but I no longer have the words for all that I used to know of, only the impression of it. I never stopped talking because the pauses are too long, my words aren't present but my mind is. Even this post is taking a bit too long to be written and done. You will do well, I know. In time better and fine, I believe. 

Don't worry about me. However if you must, 

remember that I have always been alright on my own.

-riri-

letting go.

Looking through past photos with the intentions of clearing the unneeded, I came across the ones of him, his or us. How could I be smiling, I haven't had the time to analyse. The more I'm brought back to it, the more I'm reminded by all that was said and done. I was never really meant for anyone. I don't want to ask for anything back in return or to be mine as it was before. Everything he said is on repeat like a broken record each time I think about it. If he is better off without me, then I genuinely hope that I never do come back to him after all that I've put him through and ravaged. I'm starting to believe it even more that perhaps I never did exist in his life despite all the hours I was present or felt. For all I know I could have been nothing more but a figment of his imagination and vice versa. There are days where I'm actually convinced this never happened.

That I was and still is incorporeal.

I'm better on the low, I'm better off gone.

-riri-