look at me now.

Monday, 29 February 2016

little black dress.

She doesn't need to know.
You don't have to tell.
It can be our secret.
I can lead you to hell.

(they won't know what we do.)



Everybody dies; harsh as a truth.
Sooner, later, tomorrow, next year, even if it takes 40 more.
I know we take it lightly, serious only when thought throughly.

Still, why bother pretend to care of those dead when you never bothered when they were alive? If you never had when they were around, why mourn and weep over what's gone. It seemed trivial before, why act as if it never was? What a bunch of ungrateful hypocrites. That's how we see whose lost it is. Odd, how we get a sense of aggravation when nothing's felt as if it should come naturally which it does, most times to most people just perhaps, not them, not us- we never gave a damn so put up a front as if no one could tell. Guess we're just never ending question marks and contradictory statements.

The thing about leaving is that,
no one notices until you're gone.

Lets go back.
Although not home- safe.
Although not quiet- calm.


Thursday, 25 February 2016

wrong side of life.

It's those moments again isn't it?

Suddenly you need to go, you need to run.
You need your shrink, you need some pills.
A few cigarettes, a week off, lights off, stay closed.
You need to jump, crawl into a ball, binge and purge,
starve yourself, punch your face, drown yourself.
Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill your-

It's not a bad life, just a bad mind.
Take a step back, start again.


Wednesday, 24 February 2016

her poems.

" Stammering trying
to come up with
a witty sentence
Face scrunching
attempting to humor
Black eyes glittering
Like the diamond in mines
by lashes thick
enough to fan an emperor
Lost though
Misplaced still
She tries to make the best
of what is given
for the sake
of her survival
Vintage all the way through
My best friend Riri "

" Riri you are not skinny
But you are pretty
My beautiful Riri
Please listen to me
Love yourself, dearie
Because we all do!
You are my little flower
Because of you Camel showers
A day's not enough, let alone an hour
I want to be with you forever
Laughing with tears, together
Screw chocolate, because you are better
Who needs the world that we don't care
It's only fun if you are there

Oh my Riri,
Can't you see?
That you are
My Destiny."

people and their lies.

I was thinking about it a few hours ago.
"How are you?" "How's life?"
"You alright?" "Are you okay?"

Instead it's often asked when someone's in need of something.
Until just a few minutes ago. Then again, maybe not at all.
There's always a catch. Nobody really cares.

Stop wasting my time.


Tuesday, 23 February 2016

4am stranger.

One day I might just finally get to meet him and figure it all out; get to know who he even is. Literally the guy of my dreams. The one that's been in it often, at times unnoticed until I wake up the next day or the next time he appears. All these feelings, I wonder who he might be, why me and when, where, at which point in my life will he be there?

It feels so real, it is.
Or at least will be when I'm there.
When he arrives here.


so sad, so sad.

I still have my moments.
I still think about it.
I still have the longing to go back.

Some days, I want to go bad.


Monday, 22 February 2016

byebye Ky.

Ky felt the distance,
Ky saw the crack,
So Ky left.


Sunday, 21 February 2016

one circle, too many rounds.

I don't want to be left placeless in what is no longer a part of me.

What use it to open up to people just to see them leave with all the pieces of you, you let them into? Some days you meet someone completely new and just click, sometimes even feel safe enough to become vulnerable to and you're going to tell them almost everything at just the first conversation as if they've always known you. You're going to meet them again to spill out even more. Though it's bloody hilarious isn't it, that you would never again get to. Like a sick joke.

I don't always mind, I forget myself. With hopes that they too, do. If it were in my ability, I'd take back away from anyone who left, every piece of me, every memory, every secret, every story I shared. Let them be clueless, ignorant- let them forget because it wouldn't even matter. I honestly hate to think that anyone remembers any details of me. It gets me feeling sick enough to wish to die and be reborn as a completely different person, in another life. Some moments I don't hope to be a part of anyone or anything, I don't enjoy people knowing if they're not staying. I still have hope that to some, it all vanishes without a trace from the back of their mind.

It's a shame to meet someone true and let them know things,
everybody else already knew.


Saturday, 20 February 2016

Did I tell you how it happened, how it was and how it all came to be?
That nothing's meant to be. But it was, when it wasn't supposed to be.


Tuesday, 16 February 2016


So do they hit you because they love you,
or that they actually have to? So do I have to too?


Thursday, 11 February 2016

someone does.

So many people out there,
so much love,
so many ways to,
even if it's wrong,
even in all the wrong ways,
somebody loves you.

And you can always think of me,
you'll always think of me.

I still do (of you).


coffee at tea.

I abhor that, to be here again.
To feel the same. Much like school.
Never mind that shit, never liked me there.

Bound to happen sooner or later, no surprise here. I saw it coming. I felt it, thought I was exaggerating. Is this still my mind talking, does it not make sense? Can't seem to have a touch of home anywhere, at least not for long or only to an extent.

It gets so phony, sickening. Every way out gets me locked up into another box, every person's just the same- or is it just, me? You think you'll find something new when you change your ways, if you become brave but it's always the same- not much would change.

So where do I go next? Where is there left to go and which way is right anymore? How many steps back, how many more forward? If everything's alright, why do these moments come by just as often. Lights on, back off, now the suns up, next it's midnight. Out of sight still in mind, out of my mind, it comes to sight. Nothing leaves, nothing goes, nothing nothing but what's physical.

Too bad that I'm still here.


Tuesday, 9 February 2016

as simple as that.

How is it so to look back and not remember,
guess I have, in fact, surprisingly, in a way,


why not?

If everything is, in fact a phase and time waits for no man, why not go with it.
What is there to lose if you've lost it all?

Even if I were to lose much more, what difference does it make,
when all things just come to go either way?


Sunday, 7 February 2016

"i might."

Is it odd to say, that I wonder how it feels like to lean on your shoulder? 
Wish you hadn't looked at me that way, wish you hadn't listen.
Knowing how fairly odd it is to talk as much as I did.
Wish you weren't at all older.

Is it okay if I sort of just want to feel (you)?