look at me now.

Monday, 29 February 2016

little black dress.

She doesn't need to know.
You don't have to tell.
It can be our secret.
I can lead you to hell.

(they won't know what we do.)



Everybody dies. Harsh but everybody does.
Sooner or later, tomorrow, next year, even if it takes 40 more.
I know we take it lightly, serious only when we think throughly.

Still, why bother pretend to care of those dead when you never bothered when they were alive? If you never had when they were around, why mourn and weep over what's gone. It seemed trivial before, why act as if it never was? What a bunch of ungrateful hypocrites. That's how we see whose lost it is. Odd, how we get a sense of aggravation when nothing's felt as if it should come naturally which it does, most times to most people just perhaps, not them, not us- we never gave a damn so put up a front as if no one could tell. Guess we're just never ending question marks and contradictory statements.

The thing about leaving is that,
no one notices until you're gone.

Lets go back.
Although not home- safe.
Although not quite- calm.


Thursday, 25 February 2016

wrong side of life.

It's those moments again isn't it?

Suddenly you need to go, you need to run.
You need your shrink, you need some pills.
A few cigarettes, a week off, lights off, stay closed.
You need to jump, crawl into a ball, binge and purge,
starve yourself, punch your face, drown yourself.
Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill your-

It's not a bad life, just a bad mind.
Take a step back, start again.


Wednesday, 24 February 2016

her poems.

" Stammering trying
to come up with
a witty sentence
Face scrunching
attempting to humor
Black eyes glittering
Like the diamond in mines
by lashes thick
enough to fan an emperor
Lost though
Misplaced still
She tries to make the best
of what is given
for the sake
of her survival
Vintage all the way through
My best friend Riri "

" Riri you are not skinny
But you are pretty
My beautiful Riri
Please listen to me
Love yourself, dearie
Because we all do!
You are my little flower
Because of you Camel showers
A day's not enough, let alone an hour
I want to be with you forever
Laughing with tears, together
Screw chocolate, because you are better
Who needs the world that we don't care
It's only fun if you are there

Oh my Riri,
Can't you see?
That you are
My Destiny."

people and their lies.

I was thinking about it a few hours ago.
"How are you?" "How's life?"
"You alright?" "Are you okay?"

Instead it's often asked when someone's in need of something.
Until just a few minutes ago. Then again, maybe not at all.
There's always a catch. Nobody really cares.

Stop wasting my time.


Tuesday, 23 February 2016

4am stranger.

One day I might just finally get to meet him and figure it all out; get to know who he even is. The guy of my dreams, literally. The one that's been in it often, at times unnoticed until I wake up the next day or the next time he appears. All these feelings, I wonder who he might be, why me and when, where, at which point in my life will he be there?

It feels so real. It is.
Or at least will be when I'm there.
When he arrives here.


so sad, so sad.

I still have my moments.
I still think about it.
I still have the longing to go back.

Some days, I want to go bad.


Monday, 22 February 2016

byebye Ky.

Ky felt the distance,
Ky saw the crack,
So Ky left.


Sunday, 21 February 2016

last letter.

funny how this is now this.

29 Jan 2016
I might never be as brave as I am today to write you letters like these again, spilling out all my feelings- the way you know I always have had. So here goes nothing. I hope it doesn't get too cliche or sappy but you know how it always does. I don't exactly aim for another sad story.

I guess it's been 4 months or so, I look back from time to time to figure out what went wrong, to learn from it. Truthfully I had (well you would know that for you I would). It does a lot really, getting the space to think about my mistakes thoroughly unlike the first time. Guess we've grown. I admit I've done things the way I wish I hadn't and said what I didn't mean or meant but wish I hadn't felt and I'm sorry. We both made our share of mistakes but never for a second was I not willing to work things out with you. I cared so much, I worried about you with you coming and going and suddenly loving and cold the next minute, I couldn't exactly focus on my life in those moments but I didn't mind.

Don't smoke, don't cut, don't run, don't leave, don't overdose, don't die, you would tell me and god I loved you more each time, you seem and sound so genuine I feel so loved and overwhelmed by all these positive emotions I would just wrapped my arms around you and squeeze you if I could. I loved how silly you could get, how funny the stupid things you sometimes say that gets me laughing or giggling. Every time I look at you, I fall in love even more, the times where you looked into my eyes as if you were looking through my soul were my favourite. I thought you knew me. And how you hugged me or rest your arms around me whenever we were lying down. Your enthusiasm and passion for things- I've always adored that, no matter how scared I got sometimes thinking you love it all more than you would ever love me. Some moments you hugged me like it's the first and last; those moments I always wished it would last.

You saw the issues I had with my family, myself, and even though we have been working to fix things, the reality is we still aren't able to manage certain things though I've been trying so hard to keep my sanity and stay alive. Always. You used to be one of the reasons to it. I had future dreams/ a dream future ahead of me when you came into my life. You and your mum, I always thought you were different knowing how close you two are. I admired your love and appreciation towards your mum, it's kind of odd to say, a bit funny I may say so myself. I don't quite know how things are these days though, I genuinely hope they're all good. Far, I never cared how you looked. I honestly never gave a shit. You have always been perfect to me. Those things never mattered. It never bothered me. You could grow old fat and bald and I would still love you the same.

I appreciate everything you do or have done for me whether or not you realised it no matter how sad or mad I was at those moment and I'm honestly grateful for your existence, you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me so far even if it hurt the most when it ended. Everything wonderful and amazing about what we had, getting thrown away just like that, sayangnya. Then again things happen, it happened and that's alright Farfar it's not your fault. Still I only ever wanted you. I tried, you tried and got tired- we stopped communicating. We no longer really talked things over but I would have given the world to get everything back no matter how hard. Though I might have been wrong about who I thought you were. I hope you're living life better now, the way you planned it to be. Be good I'd say, but I wouldn't anymore. I can't quite say much so we'll just put that aside.

I'll remember how we first met, when, where and how. How you made me felt that day, the way we looked at each other, the way you looked at me, that smile, and how you were that got me hooked. How and when was it that we first held hands? Aduh Far. Our first kiss, second kiss, first movie, first time having you at dinner with my family. With my dad there, you were the first ever guy I brought to dinner with him around; as if telling him that this is it, this is him dad, he's the one that would stay, he loves me! I was in love with you. God I was only fifteen, but I was in love with you Farihin. I wasn't in love when we touched, I was in love for everyday I got to be with you even on the bad days and for every time you tried, even when you did nothing at all, I was in love with you for reasons hard to explain, I loved you, as I learned you. Even at my lowest and at your worst, I did, every second of it I still loved you. Sometimes I look back at it, us, and laugh, how cute were we? Bloody ridiculous.

I actually cared for a change, genuinely cared for a guy. Anyone who knows me long or well enough would know I care about you on a whole other level. You were my everything. I loved you at fifteen, sixteen and at seventeen still so deeply in love with you, too much- that despite everything, I never did stopped loving you. You were 'different' to me and I know I might have said that about anyone else before you but you were above them all. I see you the way I myself can't comprehend, as if you were made perfect; heaven sent even with all the flaws and mistakes you've done (and the ones I do). I keep seeing past through everything not because I didn't want to admit any of it, but that I accepted you with it. I loved you either way. Guess I just loved you for you. Even if you have changed I would as long as it's still you. Because you're my far. Was. It still surprises me to think about it, how genuinely in love I was with you. You might have not seen that, you might not quite see me.

I fell for you because you weren't like everyone else. Then again I guess whenever you fall, everyone's different from whoever you've met or known in the past to you. You think they're always going to catch you but they aren't. You're going to think so because they make you believe they are but I honestly believed you were, that you would. I actually thought you would be the one so I didn't have to bother about anyone else but everyone's the same when they choose to leave. However staying in love with you, discovering more reasons to, that was on me. I wanted to. You deserved that no matter how shitty of a person you think you are or were to me, I want you to know that I would love you the same all over again because I just do. For some reason as much as I might have brought you down, I wanted to be able to make you happy more than anything. I can never really tell you why.

There were moments even after the breakup, where you broke me even more but it wasn't really you I suppose. I get over things eventually, it's never as hard, it's not like it's the first time. In the end if I can't make you happy and it's not me you're looking for, I'll learn to feel content over whatever that keeps your head up high and fill your days with those laughters and grin I don't get to hear or see any longer. You prefer us as friends, it's all good. Soon I might not feel a thing over it except for that sort of friendship bond/love or nothing at all depending on how you treat your "friend" and how life flows because I've been here way too many times before. Friends don't ditch you when they're in need but you've got more important things on mind and I don't exactly bother anymore. It's not even about the relationship. I don't mind even more as time passes by, there's a reason I barely keep anyone close. Friends break your heart too. That I'm used to.

I understand better now, what to change and how I should react or act for certain things. I've put myself in your shoes, to have a look at your point of view and change my perspective of things. I don't care about your friends but I like that they could keep you busy in a good way, I still don't dig whatever that's bad but that's your decision to make. I can't tell you not to get influenced. You know it yourself most people are only there for the fun. Not everyone's willing to take you to where you should be because it's not always that easy. I bother because I know you're better than this but I'm not pointing fingers anymore. I get it and I let it be, it's your life after all. The future, studies, time, everything is clearer now. Although I might not seem like I have a specific vision for life later on, I know what I want, what I don't technically, even if it might not seem as clear. I've gotten the chance to make a difference as I think about it and improve myself. I've been fighting and living to get through it. We love, lost and learn right? Next, we get better.

A part of me wants to forget about our mistakes and let you hold me again, comfort me, and support me. I want to be the one who believes in you and pushes you to greatness, but I don’t think I can do it. I just don’t think I can now. If we were ever given a chance to, you know I would. All I want is the best for you and I'm not just saying. I want to be there for you, with you, from the start. I thought I was able to. I want to see you succeed Far. I want to remind you of the good things when all you could think of is all that's falling apart. I want to be there, have us to guide each other in whatever that we can. No matter how tiring, even in those moments where you got tired of me. Plus that thing you always mention about your mum living with us one day, I don't mind that. Loving you, I've always wanted to one day be able to get to know your mum even if I might not be her favourite, to love her and if I'm lucky enough maybe even get her to like me the least if not love me. Anak mak pun anak mak, I learned to accept that the way you accepted my state of mind.

I never planned a future or hoped for one until I met you, us taking care of each other, all those plans, those promises but I guess not anymore. We only have so much time in this world. Only so many people we can let into our lives. All we've been through, the person I thought I knew and sincerely loved- seems to be another fantasy. I hope you reach all the goals you're aiming for, that you never stop halfway to give up knowing you've got so much potential in you I swear you can do whatever you want when you really want to Farfar. I sayang you. I know you still have those friends you can actually count on and I'm happy for you and grateful for their existence. I always thought we would reach that point where you'd want to do things with me because I reached that point where most things I wanted to do with you or have you there with me. You were my best friend, I believed I could always trust you but I was wrong.

If it makes any difference, my eyes are opened wider to understanding who you were, your ways and thoughts a few months back, I get it now. I can feel you better and I'm glad I can because you're important. Guess we do learn something new each day. I know where I went wrong and the times where I was immature. I can't say the same for you. If it won't ever be me again, I can't wait to see the lucky girl you'd fall so deeply in love with next, I just nak tengok dia macam mana, I don't want you to be sad. I hope she loves you as much as I do or more and share the same dreams as yours, that sort of vision I guess to you I lack of. I hope she's everything you ever wanted and that she takes care of you the way you'd like to be cared for. This time I actually hope she knows you better, because I know I no longer do.

There's still remnants of you around in my room and in my phone, bintang hati lah katakan the one and only haha. I have missed you the most but I've made peace with your absence too. Jaga diri Farfar and goodluck with everything. Never thought the last time I swallowed my pride to come up to meet you would actually be the last. Guess this is farewell to all that we once had, all I have tried to save and that I thought I wouldn't lose again. As much as I loved the idea of us being happy with each other, you know I would always be happy for you if someone else could ever do what I've done for or with you but better. I've never wanted anything more than for you to be happy, even if I'm no longer the reason to it and I couldn't be more than honest about that. I care. More than anything, you were truly special to me.

For whatever that it's worth, know that I would've done so much if you hadn't let go.
Because I never once did. I hope that you finally find what you're looking for.
I know I'm no longer it.

I could've and would've loved you forever.
But you probably would find someone who could love you better, hopefully.
Don't lose sight of who you really are Far, after all it's the inside that counts .
All those things you stopped me from doing, I hope you don't end up doing too.
Although I know at some point you do, it's okay.


one circle, too many rounds.

I don't want to be left placeless in what is no longer a part of me.

What use it to open up to people just to see them leave with all the pieces of you, you let them into? Some days you meet someone completely new and just click, sometimes even feel safe enough to become vulnerable to and you're going to tell them almost everything at just the first conversation as if they've always known you. You're going to meet them again to spill out even more. Though it's bloody hilarious isn't it, that you would never again get to. Like a sick joke.

I don't always mind, I forget myself. With hopes that they too, do. If it were in my ability, I'd take back away from anyone who left, every piece of me, every memory, every secret, every story I shared. Let them be clueless, ignorant- let them forget because it wouldn't even matter. I honestly hate to think that anyone remembers any details of me. It gets me feeling sick enough to wish to die and be reborn as a completely different person, in another life. Some moments I don't hope to be a part of anyone or anything, I don't enjoy people knowing if they're not staying. I still have hope that to some, it all vanishes without a trace from the back of their mind.

It's a shame to meet someone true and let them know things,
everybody else already knew.


Saturday, 20 February 2016

Did I tell you how it happened, how it was and how it all came to be?
That nothing's meant to be. But it was, when it wasn't supposed to be.


Tuesday, 16 February 2016


So do they hit you because they love you,
or that they actually have to? So do I have to too?


Thursday, 11 February 2016

someone does.

So many people out there,
so much love,
so many ways to,
even if it's wrong,
even in all the wrong ways,
somebody loves you.

And you can always think of me,
you'll always think of me.

I still do (of you).


coffee at tea.

I abhor that, to be here again.
To feel the same. Much like school.
Never mind that shit, never liked me there.

Bound to happen sooner or later, no surprise here. I saw it coming. I felt it, thought I was exaggerating. Is this still my mind talking, does it not make sense? Can't seem to have a touch of home anywhere, at least not for long or only to an extent.

It gets so phony, sickening. Every way out gets me locked up into another box, every person's just the same- or is it just, me? You think you'll find something new when you change your ways, if you become brave but it's always the same- not much would change.

So where do I go next? Where is there left to go and which way is right anymore? How many steps back, how many more forward? If everything's alright, why do these moments come by just as often. Lights on, back off, now the suns up, next it's midnight. Out of sight still in mind, out of my mind, it comes to sight. Nothing leaves, nothing goes, nothing nothing but what's physical.

Too bad that I'm still here.


Tuesday, 9 February 2016

as simple as that.

How is it so to look back and not remember,
guess I have, in fact, surprisingly, in a way,


why not?

If everything is, in fact a phase and time waits for no man, why not go with it.
What is there to lose if you've lost it all?

Even if I were to lose much more, what difference does it make,
when all things just come to go either way?


Sunday, 7 February 2016

"i might."

Is it odd to say, that I wonder how it feels like to lean on your shoulder? 
Wish you hadn't looked at me that way, wish you hadn't listen.
Knowing how fairly odd it is to talk as much as I did.
Wish you weren't at all older.

Is it okay if I sort of just want to feel (you)?