cognisance.

I go back to all my favourite scenes

and everything that saddens me.

I look back in disbelief of all I have lost

and everything I should've believed.

I come to notice all of what I've ever wanted

and realise all I have never needed.

But darling,

You are nothing but a mere subject to me.

Get over yourself because in all honesty my love,

What is cruel if compared to what you have done to me?

-riri-

perasan.

Looking back, I realised all this time I've mistaken shame for care.

You were ashamed, and I thought you cared. Hysterical.

-riri-

camera film.

I have fallen so deeply in love with all these photos I've yet to take and every connection we would make. I am too in love with all that isn't yet. -riri-

dekat di hati, namun mati.

Suatu pagi dan semalam.

That's all it takes.

Ditemui takdir, ditinggalkan masa depan.

Cinta yang dulu, namun orangnya baru.

Aku bukan dia, engkau bukan lagi aku.

Janggal seketika, mungkin juga tiada bedanya.

Kita kan sama sahaja.

Kau dan mereka.

Aku, si dia.

Maka tiada lagi cebisan yang silam.

Hilang segala erti perkara sebelum ini.

Mungkin suatu hari kita kan bertemu lagi.

Mungkin juga tidak sama sekali.

Pinta ku pada tuhan, moga kau dijauhi.
Kali ini, dengan lebih erti.

Akan ku lebih sayangi yang kini.

Harapan ku kau menjumpai segala yang dicari.

Maaf atas yang lalu, ianya bukan aku lagi.

Semoga bahagia, dulu kau segalanya.

Sekarang, hanya lah dia.

You are just a boy after all, no?

-riri-

the future's in the past.

12:04am, reading back 12:40am,

3 years back, advice from the past.

Talking about prayers and God, 

writing about the future in darkness,

it has never been so bright.

Write down every thought, every lesson, every question, not knowing when it could all help you along the way. All the things concluded, figured, learned, will soon lead you the way. The universe works in a funny way and I've always been aware of how God has His on way. We tend to forget the things we were taught and I haven't been writing as much or often as I used to. Most thoughts to myself, feeling safe with it, forgetting that I was never built to go through everything living this way. Feel and forget, write and cherish, appreciate every bad and enjoy the good. Collect pieces you've lost bit by bit as days passes by. Take a few steps back at times, listen to yourself, open up your heart, let go of your mind. Insanity is your cup of tea balanced with rationality, you used to be better like this.

"Everything happens for a reason." You just haven't figure out what it is yet.

Then again, ironically, you already had in the past when you were too busy finding reasons to what was going on back then. Little did you know the answers has always been there, that everything is exactly where it should be. Take a breather, it's as hard as you make it. I know that you hate this.

But you'll get through.

-riri-

screening.

I wish satan would stop whispering to me.

Get out of my head, stop messing with my mind.

"But Satan is you".

Every night when no one's there,

and every morning you wake up in solitude,

he's with you.

-riri-

contradiction, in midst of truth.

I tell myself how what he shows isn't him, I tell everyone else how more than this he is. That he is kind, that he is better and that he is- well it doesn't quite matter now. And I'll tell them how he broke my heart, how he didn't want to but I made him. I tell them it's my fault, that he needed something more. Honestly, you can tell yourself whatever you want, however and how often as you wish to and it still won't make it true. Still the story remains, reality away;

I don't love him anymore.

-riri-

fin.

Maka berakhirlah derita,

Walau buat sementara.

-riri-

all the other guys.

5:30pm 5 August 2016.

I don't think about you that way.

-riri-

my hozukikun, your kii.

2:39am 4/8/2016

"I think that people meet the person they need the most,

when they need it most."

Maybe back then, despite thinking that he walked into my life at an inconvenient time, he really appeared when I needed him to the most. That when he left, perhaps it was because I didn't need him anymore. Then again maybe we met because coincidently, it was him who needed me around and so there I was, where I wanted to be, with him. Until it ended, as to everything else, it's always when people find themseleves or lose sight of what they were, perhaps even it was the guilt or the doubts that led them to walk away. It was when he stopped needing me that it all changed. But I guess at least I did all I could or what I wanted to and believed in. It might be selfish to even think of, sometimes I wish it was the other way around. It isn't surprising to say that in fact I loved him a bit beyond that to let it be him in my shoes. Thinking if anything, I would be here still, knowing it's not my place to be no matter how much I wish it would be.

-riri-

Despite not being able to handle a crowd at some point,

I still think of going to places with him.

Concerts, team parks, festivals, everything precious.

Anything, anywhere at all if it's with him.

hush hush.

2/8/16
I thought everyone has figured me out by now.

I was wrong, safe, my own.

And no one will ever know.

Thank god.

-riri-

new if too late.

And for some reason,
I know for sure-

That I'll still be there.
Though not as the me you knew.

-riri-