look at me now.

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

sunshine's away.


And then it hits you, how attached you've really gotten and you get it now right? Why you've always been somewhat distant. It aches doesn't it, to see them go and this is exactly why you've let everyone else go. It makes more sense when you least expect things to be. Suddenly you don't want to loosen your grip. You don't want to let another one slip; as if you raised them, grew with them. You know. You don't hold on to anyone or anything but these few, these unfortunate beings when with you and it takes your breath away doesn't it- when it all fades to waste. Even if it wouldn't, they'll be a time where it has to, where it will, where you've to get through. Once again. The thought of it takes much already.


Saturday, 9 January 2016

sincerely, ri.

I wish you'd stop trying to kill yourself,
I've grown tired of all the failed attempts,
and you deciding to come back to life again.


Thursday, 7 January 2016

hidden thought.

Can we go back to 11 months back,
when you'd rather be there than to forget?


Wednesday, 6 January 2016

daylight nightmare.

I finally slept in my room last night after so long. Two words: utter shit. I woke up devastated, heartbroken, with overpowering thoughts rushing in, out, and around my head. It was going so loud and fast. Images and flashbacks came up so vivid. Some thoughts into words floating in front of my eyes. I was asleep, half conscious the least, wasn't I? Was I? I wanted to take in half a bottle or every ounce of what's left, but I don't do that anymore. I haven't done much at all. This used to be my haven. This was the only thing I own. And too, lost along the way.


Saturday, 2 January 2016

a knock, you again.

It hit me, without a warning as everything else that comes when I'm not ready. Said one day we'll go through it together, find a way, a cure. Promised we'll get through one way or another. Although I knew, believed you wouldn't, you did. Leaving, if it makes you happy, if it'll get you further and closer to what you're searching for- then anything for you. These are the only thoughts I let in when it comes to you. Can't wish for more, won't be where I'm not wanted, shouldn't stay where I'm not needed.

Thought by now it should all be gone,
but it's still there. Still the same.


tonight still.

Some nights suicidal.
Most nights still.