sleep if you may.

He says that's the good thing about sleep, it takes it all away. To me all I hear is sleep takes everything from him, his sadness, stress, me. I doubt in sleep, he misses me, but in mine, I miss him. Maybe all these months before where I dread sleep, my body and mind was really, getting ready for this? It is rather advance I must say.

It fears and despise sleep, because at this point on most days, sleep is chosen over me. My mind and body knows so way back before I could think of the reason why. I am separated from a certain part of my mind and my body isn't always mine. I should've known, maybe I have all along but was rather, unaware.

Maybe there was a life before, in a parallel world or another universe, a distant time, where while I spent my days sleeping, he could not, and he too dreaded it the way I had and now, it was my turn.

I've lived current weeks hating sleep on days where I wanted it the most, for so long if I could. It's the thought of what I'd miss if I did that stops me. Every single time. Who knows, in the end I am just wasting my time.

Who cares? No one but me. I wish I wasn't the only one.

-riri-

say you feel the same.

I can write a thousand sad essays, poems, shitty songs about how you made me feel or how it wasn't supposed to be but it can never compare to the times you've made me the happiest I've ever been. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Nothing was ever as bad or enough to overshadow all the wonderful things you are or have been. -riri-

none lost, none taken.

Dear god,
take away all the love I have in me,
for all the people I am to hurt,
I beg of you to set them free,
from the cage of my heart,
every little piece of them,
banished.

For I am underserving,
and wrong in every way.

Please.

-riri-

do you feel that too?

If it was possible, I wish you were able to feel what I do.
All that I have felt, you would go through.
Each pain, the ache, every ounce of unconditional love.

I wouldn't care about being empathetic, not even for revenge,
This isn't "One day you'd feel what I felt".

I just wish you do, so maybe you would be able to fathom,
the feelings I feel for you.

-riri-

you're just a stupid fuck.

I'm 100% sure of how I am useless; my existence itself is a test for everyone. I test their patience, their trust, their love, their everything. I'm sure no kindness I have in me or might ever be present, is valid. I am just another test. I am no being, I am nothing more, always less. It's hysterical really, wishing to never exist, when in reality I was never real to begin with. I am thin air- no, I am the dream you couldn't remember because the ending is always a nightmare; never a lie and I am that truth nobody wants.

I am words blurred and faded, I am empty promises, I am the apologies that comes but never goes because I am a mistake I can never unmake. I am the tear you shed alone at night. I am the lump in your throat that keeps you from saying the things you mean. I am the anchor that holds you back from moving on. I am the memory you wish you would forget. I am the person you would like to unmeet. The heart that got broke. The money you spent on things you didn't need. The guy who screwed you over, the girl who cheated with your best friend. I am the never ending nag. I am your depression your disorder. I am the G you got in maths english history science biology chemistry arts music life.

I am the comforting lie. I am the words unsaid, and all that you should've. The one who left, and the one you didn't want. I am the broken trust, the broken dreams, the hapless, the pathetic, the everything you don't want in life or would wish to go through. And god isn't it amazing how it adds up to the same conclusion how I am after all, nothing. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't have to.

-riri-

hollow.

It's not okay to come and go.
It's not okay to make it feel like home again,
And then go back to yours.

It's not okay.

I don't know what makes people throw it all away,

Or simply let go so easily.

Maybe it's the thought of how it'll always come back.

Such arrogance. I'll never know.

-riri-

this is how you part.

It's odd;

how you'll stop interacting with each other at some point.

Be it a text, a call, or meeting up face to face.

Instead, we talk about it alone.

On social networks, or written down in paper.

It happens when you're afraid of conversations left hanging.

Lack of words exchanging.Failure to continue a topic or to jump into a new one.

This is how we part. Through words spoken on behalf of another, by the distance too far to be reached.
No one gets it until it's over. When it's gone, the message arrives. This is when we lose it all. 

-riri-

ideate wonder.

Sometimes I think about days yet to happen. 

Where you would decide to pick up your phone and ring me.

Ask me to come over or get me. We'd go someplace safer, 

somewhere only we know, relived the moments dead and gone.

We would talk about things, I hope we do. Anything at all, 

we can talk about us and old times. I swear we wouldn't feel so missing.

Like old times. We'd go back in time. One more time. 

Even if this would be the last time. As who we were. As us.

-riri-

contradictory conception.

I'll never understand why I would think that telling someone I'm done and has had enough, would make them try harder or work something out to keep me. Despite not even being close to losing me. Knowing I'm always here. Unless I make it clear that I wouldn't want anything to do with them, without any slight of doubt in my tone or sign of regret, then I am still theirs.

I know how words hurt but they could've read between the lines. Even if they aren't able, I've so often made it obvious, who they are to me and their stand in my life. Haplessly, everyone takes it as it is, like they don't even know me. Or maybe by now, they prefer not to. I apologise for my wicked ways. I can never be what they're looking for. I'm sorry.

-riri-

too little too much.

Sometimes I find it better when I was at that phase where I couldn't connect with my feelings or act to my emotions. It wasn't my favourite but at least I didn't hurt, neither did I afflicted anyone with pain caused by the feelings I naturally would have or reacted the way I once did over it. People could do whatever they pleased, as long as I didn't respond to them the way they resented, as long as I was able to leave them to themselves without another word out of my mouth, no one got hurt. Even if they did by it. I'd be fine. Because nothing I ever said to my advantages, has ever made things any better for me as many times as it has hurt anyone I've talked to.

I swallow my words down and forget about it. You shake it off, walk away. Because that's how everyone likes it. If the truth isn't pretty, no one's interested into hearing it. However, I am my words and my words are me. I wouldn't be going in too deep with anyone that can't go along with that fact. Hence explain, why I am, most times, alone or would rather be.

Everything about me comes off as too strong or not at all, there's no in between. That's the problem. You're either too weak or devotedly committed, when I'm often too little or too much depending on how long or how much I let you know, and how you decide to treat me. I am never yet to be the enough amount, or ever "just right".

-riri-

i chose wrong.

Stop dancing with your demons.

But my demons are me, they make me-
Forgive me.

"So if you love me for how I see myself,

you must be crazy or I look like someone else"

Maybe someday my head would work the way it should,
As my brain and mind would function how it was taught to,
But I would no longer be around when it could.
I am sorry.

-riri-

i wouldn't change a thing.

28.4.15, 3am thoughts and flashback.

There was a time where I tried not to give out as much effort as I wasn't been given. Slowly so did him. It made me sad to think that maybe, I was the only who in the end, as I often do, becomes the one who wanted this more. Then again it's all about perspective. Maybe he saw me as what I was and I, I didn't put myself in his place when it happened. The changes made him felt the way it made me the day he started talking to me as if it was a chore instead of an interest. I was on the verge of losing him the way he could've lost me. Yet somehow he hadn't lost me completely. 

My mind might have started to shift elsewhere bit by bit but my heart had so much of it anchored down to him and the thoughts of us. It has always been about him to me. I gave in the effort he gave at the beginning of what we had. I needed him to know how much he still means to me. He was as important then as he is now, but more. I wanted that spark back. I'm not at all keen with the idea of starting over with someone new, when all I want is him. 

Craving the warmth in his hello and the love felt at every I love you or the ache in every of your I miss you. I crave every part of him, be it at his worst or when he's dandy on cloud 9. I needed so badly to work my way to build up to be a part of that. I can never really tell why, I wouldn't know myself. As much as things had change, and as often as I wish my feelings would as well at some point, so it wouldn't hurt anymore and I would be able to move on in peace, it never did. I never planned to leave. I only ever wanted to be good enough, I just wanted to deserve the best because that's what he is and I'm going to be the "better" that he deserves. 

However much effort or love I needed to give or show, is worth the smile I see curve on his lips at the end of the day. I'll never get tired of that. I never really had ever got exhausted of him. I can love him more.

-riri-

it happens all the time.

I'm starting to think that's how things go with me.
I find out. I don't want to. I wouldn't plan to. I just do.

Every time I do something wrong, every time I screw things up with someone; the moment I head on to make it better, I bump into things I would go fine without. It's the things that changes my mind. It has me putting my phone aside, and my feelings elsewhere. It doesn't surprise me, it dispirits me. From wanting to talk about it, I don't even want anything to do with it.

-riri-

i couldn't forget.

If I rant about life to you at 2 in the morning to 3 when all is dark accompanied by only sounds of our words exchanging and the dampness from my cheeks over the tears I've spilled while talking to you with my voice trembling, I'll remember you.

If I trust you enough to tell about the things I would do, is currently doing or have done that's far better be left unknown, if I stay awake until whatever time you finally feel like dosing off regardless of how tired I am or what I have going on the next morning, I'll remember you.

If you stay up just to make sure I am safe and breathing, asleep before you are, I'll remember you.

If you listen to my voice calls of random things to say despite the number or length of awkward pauses, talking back to me from time to time, just to keep my head away from the thoughts we all dread and the ideas better unsaid, to hear me breathe, to hear me gather up the courage to cry or to suck it up, to let me feel your presence, for us to fall into a slumber, to make it better, I'll remember you.

If you wake me up the next day to check up on me after a night of emotional mayhem, sincerely worried, if you call, if you ever call or text me suddenly telling me how you feel or what you're up to, if you miss me, just because you feel so, I'll remember you.

If you lie straight to my face with no slight remorse knowing you've promised to be honest after I begged for the truth, convincing me of believing those lies, if you leave me when I need you most, and pretend you've done it all when the tables are turned, I'll remember you.

If you ever dare talk me into trusting you when I wouldn't even bother to in the first place because I know, I just know how it ends- and be the person to turn your back on me, to prove me right to all that I've assume and break that trust like it meant exactly nothing at all, I'll remember you.

If I ever let myself shed even a tear in front of you, if I ever wrote paragraphs after paragraphs dedicated for you, genuinely care or cared about you and your thoughts of me, I'd remember you.

If you treat me more or less than I deserve, if you show me off or kept me a secret, I'll remember you.

If I ever dared to call or talk to you on the phone, trust me, if I got into trouble for you, whether or not I tell you or that you deserved that much, or if you apologise, if you truly are or were sorry, if you were sincere, if you ever made it clear where I stood or why I didn't have a spot at all, I'll remember you.

If you were ever so nice, warm and kind to me, if you ever loved me, really loved me and gave me the attention you deserve to get back in return, if you were there, stayed, when things were hard or from the start because you wanted to, I'll remember you.

I would forget when I'm not spoken to. Doesn't mean I have to or should remember. Even if I didn't want to. Some I'd rather not.

-riri-