I pity him, for having me. To be honest, I pity everybody who had or might have been or get stuck with me. I'm that complicated shit yknow? If I'm not complicated to you, then I'm not myself when I'm with you. When I love someone, I get all needy with them and in the end, it'll get me hurt. Eventually, people get tired and they leave and my fragile heart -it cracks a little more.
Maybe the reason I never quite feel content anymore is because I'm not really being myself. How can you be happy in someone else's life when all you want is yours back. I've been doing this pretend thing for as long as I can remember. I try not to get in the way of things, I try to not be a complication to people. I know they have much on their plate, I wouldn't wanna put in some more weight to carry .
Be normal, they won't like you if you're complicated. Smile, suck it up and be happy with them. They don't need to know how you're dying inside. Remember,you want them to be happy. Your feelings can come last --I tell myself every time before I start 'expressing' myself. That's what I do. I think about others and I neglect myself because at times it's easier to care about people than yourself.
I have issues on trusting people. As gullible and naive as I am, I find it hard to really trust someone. I show my true colours, I am myself to those who I'm sure won't leave; those who I love and loves me as much as I love them. This, this is when I get complicated. It's not that I want to. That's just me. I have no one else, surely they'll accept me the way I am. Unfortunately, for me, most of them don't. This is why I don't open up to people no more. They don't get it and I don't expect them to. This is why I find it better to just be alone. There's times where I feel like everybody's life is better without someone like me.
I don't wanna be a burden you can't bear. I don't wanna be a mistake or a regretting decision someone has made. I don't wanna be that kid you stay with because of pity. I just want someone to accept me for who I am, stay with me, love me no matter how complicated of a shit I get.
I get scared of being myself, I'm not scared of rejection -I'm scared of being left alone again and again and again. I don't get annoyed at myself. I just get annoyed at how complicated I get that it's making people resent me.
yours truly, riri.