look at me now.

Sunday, 2 September 2012


I'm that girl, the one people shouldn't get stuck with.

I pity him, for having me. To be honest, I pity everybody who had or might have been or get stuck with me. I'm that complicated shit yknow? If I'm not complicated to you, then I'm not myself when I'm with you. When I love someone, I get all needy with them and in the end, it'll get me hurt. Eventually, people get tired and they leave and my fragile heart -it cracks a little more.

Maybe the reason I never quite feel content anymore is because I'm not really being myself. How can you be happy in someone else's life when all you want is yours back. I've been doing this pretend thing for as long as I can remember. I try not to get in the way of things, I try to not be a complication to people. I know they have much on their plate, I wouldn't wanna put in some more weight to carry .

Be normal, they won't like you if you're complicated. Smile, suck it up and be happy with them. They don't need to know  how you're dying inside. Remember,you want them to be happy. Your  feelings can  come  last --I tell myself every time before I start 'expressing' myself. That's what I do. I think about others and I neglect myself because at times it's easier to care about people than yourself.

I have issues on trusting people. As gullible and naive as I am, I find it hard to really trust someone. I show my true colours, I am myself to those who I'm sure won't leave; those who I love and loves me as much as I love them. This, this is when I get complicated. It's not that I want to. That's just me. I have no one else, surely they'll accept me the way I am. Unfortunately, for me, most of them don't. This is why I don't open up to people no more. They don't get it and I don't expect them to. This is why I find it better to just be alone. There's times where I feel like everybody's life is better without someone like me.

I don't wanna be a burden you can't bear. I don't wanna be a mistake or a regretting decision someone has made. I don't wanna be that kid you stay with because of pity. I just want someone to accept me for who I am, stay with me, love me no matter how complicated of a shit I get.

I get scared of being myself, I'm not scared of rejection -I'm scared of being left alone again and again and again. I don't get annoyed at myself. I just get annoyed at how complicated I get that it's making people resent me.

yours truly, riri.

little did they know.

9 August : Your brown hair flowing gracefully from side to side, blown by the wind as you stood there waving at me and all I could do was smile back politely.

All they see is what they think they know, what they choose to believe. I, I see a different person; the side of him that most people don't and probably won't even care to fathom. They see a troublemaker. An ungrateful yet disrespectful child. Ignorant to the sweet little kind guy he actually is deep down inside. Little did they know.

Under all that he is seen as, lies a lost soul in need of care and attention. There, waiting for someone who actually cares and would love him enough. He might be rotten but it's never too late to change; never too late to be the right thing. NEVER TOO LATE TO BE YOURSELF. He'd die and come back to life if he wanted. He could change. I know he wants to -if it wasn't for the people who keeps pulling him back down with his past used against him as their weapons.

He almost got there, he was working on it, swear. Unfortunately it's hard, hard to be what you're meant to be when people keep taking you back to the day you were what you never asked to be.

Funny how not just strangers, but also those whom you thought would actually be there for you, support you, to have your back, the ones you trust and shit- are usually the main reason why you look down on yourself. Ends up they're the ones against you and no matter how strong you are, they're kryptonite to you. Them meaning so much to you is one of the reasons the things they say cut deep through your heart.

Even so, he smiles and laugh as if nothing's wrong. He tries his best to be happy. It's called putting shit aside and staying strong. He buries them deep but I see the anger, the sadness, the dried tears.

I believe one day, everyone out there, they'll be knocked off their feet by shock. Shock of how he'll manage to turn the fate they say that were destine to be for him the other way around.

yours truly, riri.

dealing with it.

15 July : I get this a lot. The more I do, the more numb I get.

She picks up arguments out of thin air. Always at moments when you could really, easily get ticked off. It could be about anything, everything at times. She'd even bring up all the shit I've done in the past, as if the ones I've done now aren't enough already.

Comparing me to all her friends' children. These so-called perfect kids -through her eyes, that is. All there is left for me to do to help myself- the only thing I could do- is just sit there silently shouting in my head or singing so loudly in my mind- trying my best to just send back out or just trying my best to not even let in all these shit that's thrown to me.

Sometimes I would black out, I'd just tune out. Staring into space. Motionless. Static. Going to my own world, sending out reality. There's times where I would just think- of why I am in such a condition, what wrong did I do and what's the point of what is done to me then.

 Sometimes I just end up thinking of what and why. There are times when I find myself utterly innocent and some I can't but to admit that I am at fault. Most times it's just something I have to bear with, compromise. I just have to understand that she's having a rough time dealing with things and also me so I just have to suck it up. But I don't blame her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I say offensive things too but I never mean it and when I feel like I want to and I should, I'd probably shut up before I make more hearts aches and hurt more feelings.

yours truly, riri.