look at me now.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

history's history.

I never liked history. I used to. Cherished it even, reminiscing until one day, things took its toll on me and I figured, why? That was the point in life where I would rather forget about everything. Memories were nothing to me just because I wouldn't let it be. There was an empty space in me, a black hole I planted in myself to suck everything in never to be seen again.

That was how it started.
I never changed, I'm still me, I still know who I am. Difference is I am not myself with everyone the way I was; showing who I really am becomes a job, which needed more effort than ever. Showing people and giving them the permission to learn me meant more than anything, it became something so precious especially to me. So I never bothered, to find anyone or to let anyone in. I was done, I am done. Though like I said, I'm still me. Somewhere, in there, in me, I never changed. It just takes the right people to let it out: that side.

Seems like everyone I open the door to takes advantage of it and I can't blame them. I don't blame them. It never really surprises me anymore just sometimes you believe in things you can't see or have never felt, the way I believe for once, miraculously, things don't end the same way it started. The same ending, the same kind of history written except this time with a different story line. 

I know why it is the way it is. Still it boggles my mind as to why, no matter how many times I've learned and changed ways, giving chances to people I never would bother to but does anyway for a change, yet it still ends the same way. Again, I don't blame anyone. I try so hard, sometimes I don't bother to anymore but that doesn't mean I've ever stop trying, still it doesn't change a thing.

I am so sick of the history, giving people a chance to correct me when I already know damn well of what will happen next because so many have said the same things and proved me otherwise. I am so tired of believing that not everyone is the same, when I know I will always meet the same type. How much of an idiot does everyone think I am yet I still give them a chance to prove me wrong, why? You tell me. 

Funny I still believe even if there is a tiny bit of good, honesty and sincerity in people of the 21st century but who am I trying to kid? No one. Not with me at least. Let this be the last history I would ever let repeat because everything else I have ever known is corrupted by society, their own ego and selfishness. I am no longer interested in masked humans as much as I am no longer interested in whatever that comes out of their mouth.


Tuesday, 27 May 2014

still you.

This is not another love story
where he gets her off guard
and she lets him in without a second thought
the way he decides to say words that for some reason
made complete sense at the moment
enough to have caught her heart.

He walked in but never made through
stuck in the middle, contemplating his next move
she never planned to but to keep her distance
she could've chose not to but she did instead
and opened the door to someone she has never met.

He casually just walks in thinking this is the same as everything else he has ever went through. Little did he know the girl he says hi to isn't the girl he once dated. She isn't the girl that would tell him how much she wants him around when really she needs him. She isn't the girl to tell him everything because she's done that before and it never worked out well. She's the girl that learned from her mistakes neglecting the fact that not every guy is the same, just because she was afraid to get left again. 

She's that girl that would try so hard and not let it look obvious just because she doesn't want him to find that she was "too much". She would let him be because she knows she could get over him as easily as she wants it to be but she never does, because she knows how it feels like to think you were loved and is left on efforts no longer there upon giving up so she hangs around and push herself a bit more to fix things, to hold on. She could be doing the same for just anyone not that there is even anyone else to do it for. Focused on what's there, she just wants it to stay there. 

She's not going to go out with you on social events she's not going to invite you to parties, she's not going to socialise with your clique, she's not going to try so hard to become someone else, those days are gone. You don't change her, she makes herself better. She only needs you because she makes herself need to, that is why she clings to you, that is why she puts you above her, not because she is weak or ever is she as easily broken. Know that she has been alone far more than you have, she can leave you and start new if she wanted to but she chose to choose you. 

It doesn't make her any better than you and she doesn't want it to; like a reminder for you to know where you stand and what she is capable of. Not of who is wiser or better, this is not about the ego or pride, this is simply to show how much she loves you and what she would do for you. And everyone or anyone she loves who she puts as a priority so don't you ever feel or assume her head being in her ass the day she met you. You aren't as magical as she believes and makes you. All to make you feel special, wanted, all because she loves you. She chose to let you in, for a chance she would never have gave to anyone at all, not even you. But somehow, miraculously, she still, chose you.

Out of all the people in the world, why you?
We might never know.
Though I do.


Sunday, 25 May 2014

because you're my far.

The way he leaves and return, what he does or doesn't,
in the tone of his voice even when he's not talking and how he says things or call me,
I know.

It's funny and cute at times when you get to think of it. Is this what's it like to study someone and still fail? I'm still here, hanging around, standing close. Sometimes I can't really say why I do what I do when I know exactly why, I'm just not sure if the reason I have in mind should even be a reason. It excites me, the thought of getting things right for once, twice or every time. Getting my hopes shattered when I have never really put myself in a state of denial enough to have put my hopes up too high. 

It's interesting how many things I learn from just a certain amount of observation. In spite of that, when do you know when it's not worth it or enough? Perhaps when you get hurt or when it fails you, once again the way you expected it to. For someone who never bothered to leave their comfort zone, when it comes to things like this I've always took the thrill for that feel; the risk. Then again maybe I haven't, knowing that I've always known I could handle such things. I only took what I knew I could get through. But isn't that what God always puts us in?

After all this time, I still crave for more. It's not hard to walk out that door if you put your head into it, the way it isn't hard to see past through the flaws. The grass isn't always greener on the other side but you never know if you never try. But I'm not going to try, not this time. Not yet, the least. He's my Far. No matter how much it drives me up the wall or how I could resent the thought of it at times, I just go through it because I have this strong feel inside of me that says I have and need to. Most of the time it's just me, wanting to. 

You never know what someone is worth, true, but you can always let them know how much they are to you.
I think he deserves that, as much as I don't deserve this.
As much as I don't deserve him.


Monday, 19 May 2014

story of two : come home.

Maybe we screwed up again
must have been something you said
or my words that stung as acid rain
leaving our eyes empty and dead

our heads hanging in air
meters away we moved
bodies brought to places unknown
places we've known of
but this is not home

tears drowning us cold
words choking us, foretold
this is not where we belong
so honey why not you just turn around
and maybe walk back home

to me

for us.


again i lose.

Everyone knows I'll never win
I would be the first to have raise
the white flag and surrender
just so I could breath
as the silence settles.

I would bow down and kiss your feet
even when the crown is placed on me
the kindness where I let you step over me
while you laugh out loud to that comedy on tv
we all agree.

My feet sore from chasing you barefoot
for you took away my shoes
because you know I would never have mind
when I ran to chase not the covers of my feet
but the owner of the hands grasping to it
that left me behind.

I would cry an ocean if that was what you wanted to see
and breakdown to your orders if pain is what you crave
just so I could see you smile, to the feeling of importance
all for you, all for free.

Tired of obedience
a new puppet you need
a wild animal you greed
a good soul you beat
the one who loves you
you leave

and once again,
I lost.


what you hide you show.

I see the hatred in your eyes
I sense the truth in all your lies
every smile, every move
every cringe, every grin
secrets hidden behind that smile
of all the things you try hide
that only reveals more of who you are


Saturday, 17 May 2014

one of those pauses.

"What's making you so happy?"
"Change is good. Yes, change is good." I replied.

And I walked out the kitchen.
Change is letting go, accepting fate, and relaxing your mind.
Change is all you thought you couldn't do because you never try.
Change is doing what you didn't because deep inside you didn't want to.
Change is pushing your self-pity out the door and looking on the bright side.
Change is loving the people you love even when they don't, truly loving them
enough to love the happiness they feel sincerely even if you're not the reason.
Change is not pretending to be someone you're not and slowly improving yourself.
Change is impossible,
only if you make it.


Thursday, 15 May 2014

wish from afar.

You might not be the one on his thoughts,
then again you could be, but just you,
not your feelings or your pain, just you.

And he is on yours.
Though not just him. Also his feelings and sufferings. What do you do now that you haven't done much together, what can you say when you have barely been talking? I wish I could tell, but sometimes you just get stuck in the moment or maybe this is one of those times when a phase comes handy. Though phases are never as lucky, it takes away a lot when it passes and leaves whatever that's left when what's left is never more than much.

I can't do much anymore. Not where I am not wanted. It's funny how for all we know it could just be two people who misunderstood one another thinking that s/he doesn't need them when it's the opposite. It's tiring though, to keep trying when you're the only one trying. It doesn't matter anymore. God knows and God helps those in need and now all I need is for Him to give him the happiness and contentedness he deserves. It must have been rough for him or maybe not, whatever it is that he's going through God help him get through. I can't be there, I can't go where I am not needed but there's no harm in hoping or praying even if it is just through the heart. Even if it is left unheard. 

The good comes to those who are patient, those who wait. So goodness please go to him, and pick him up. God keep him strong, wipe his tears back inside. We don't need another sad ending, to whatever that's never ending.


little scattered thoughts on paper.

Kadang kala masa tidak mengizinkan
segala yang ingin engkau lakukan
janji janji yang perlu ditunaikan-
Tidak mengapa,
esokkan ada?


You only realise what you have when it's gone
because you were too busy chasing what you didn't
while it was there.


Walau jelas perasaannya terhadap kau,
tidak mungkin kau katakan,
tidak akan pernah, kau percaya,
mahupun kebenarannya kau tahu

dalam diam
kau nafi
kerana satu
kau tahu,
tidak mampu,
oh tidak sama sekali mampu-
kau membalas kembali,
perasaan itu.


"Kau fikir kau seorang.
pernah kau fikir pasal kami?

aku penat
tapi aku bangun
bangkit dari segala mimpi
masih mampu teguh berdiri

aku penat
tapi tidur masih aku lewati
tolak ketepi perasaan sendiri
pekakkan telinga pada rintihan hati

aku penat
tapi aku masih disini
bukannya di kamar
leka goyang kaki

aku penat
tapi masih aku fikir tentang mereka
fikirkan penat lelah segala
walau tidak pernah terlintas
tidak pernah difikir oleh mereka sendiri
di minda mahupun hati, penatnya diri ini

aku penat
lagi masih berpura pura
berlagak tiada apa
hanya kerana kasih, kerana sayang
semua demi mereka

aku penat
tetapi tetap aku buat segala
walau mereka katakan tidak pernah
tidak mungkin aku membuat apa
apakah mereka buta?
atau mungkin ini yang dikatakan dunia?
dimana engkau dipijak dan diguna-

kerana aku penat.
Sungguh aku penat.


Falling raindrops, falling raindrops
falling falling from the dark grey sky
the rain is pouring, rain is pouring
as if the steaming hot tears streaming down my cheeks
like a waterfall.


Friday, 9 May 2014

i knew.

Said don't come in,
but your words so sweet, so seductively kind.
"Let me be I'm here to help",
and I fell for that as our path aligned.

The door wide open,
are you happier now?
"Cheer up my love,
I'm not here to make you frown".

I set the rules, no promises no lies,
he said "Believe me I'm true", as he looked into my eyes.
Days goes by as I became more let loose,
he was glued onto my mind, he became my muse.

He was my night, my morning, my dawn.
Something different, someone real,
he was everything I thought I'd never own.
Hard to break, no longer rust,
he turned me stainless steel, now gold.

Though days goes by along with all feelings,
the talks we had until eyelids shutting,
now are hello and goodbyes that ends faster than spring,
with words and lies that bring pain and cut through your skin.

History repeated, no one was at fault.
This is the path we chose, the choices were ours.
There are times when the universe speaks its own mind.
As it showed me the fate I was sure of to keep wasn't mine.


Wednesday, 7 May 2014

busy but there: noted.

Don't doubt him, don't fear the imaginary and don't overthink it when you're clear of the truth and is sure of where you stand. Put yourself in his shoes, with his interest, reminding yourself of how he is doing what he loves followed by what he needs to. He is being responsible and that's something you should be proud of. Let him put things first before you because believe me it could be worst if it was someone instead of something. You could be put third and it'll be alright, it won't be long before he's done with all there is to do, when all that is in his grasp becomes his, he will come back to you. Now it's through thick and thin that you just have to be there for him, support him, encourage him and help him up. For this period of time just believe in him, even when you can barely manage to do so for yourself.

Good things comes to those who wait. Remember that now, although he can't always be there, that although it seems like he barely is, he has never left. He is just a phone call away, that it's okay to make the first move, that it's okay to fill their inbox and not get a reply asap, for all you know it could be the reason behind the smile on his face.

Know him well enough to know how or who he really is. By the way I know him, I know that there isn't or could even be another. Don't doubt him in that sense. You're the girl he thinks about before he shuts his eyes for the next 8 hours, if he even gets enough time to. If you're not, believe it or not but nobody else might be. He's been up all day doing so much, he's tired both mentally and physically but that doesn't mean he never took a minute or two off in between what he's doing to think of you. Those few times, although short, where he gets to talk to you, don't get upset that it's no longer the way it used to be, because that might be his only free time he's wasting on you. Why not adore him? Things get a bit more brighter that way. Trust me.

It's not as easy to me but,
he's worth waiting for so I will.


Monday, 5 May 2014

not all that's good is gold.

I guess there's always (maybe) that one point in life where you know for sure that your family aren't friends and no matter how much they want to, your friends can never really be your family. For all you know they could be nothing but enemies. Or maybe nightmares in disguise. If that's the case then, I for once, completely, with all my heart and soul agree with the statement "sometimes you're all you've got". Minus the "sometimes", seems like almost every time's the same. That's not always the case, there are some (like me), if lucky actually has someone (or two) who are both family and friends to me. Making everything more bearable: my dearest everything.

Maybe it's who you let in or trust, or who you let yourself talk to that makes a difference because not every word is worth to be said especially to the wrong people.


the truth was in her eyes.

Somehow I knew what she saw,
what she thought or what she believes she did.

I've gotten used to the silent kill, the dead but still breathing, eyes deceiving, and the lies behind the nodding. All this while thinking my heart was on my sleeves when it has been stuck in my throat like a lump of gum, all of which I have swallowed since the day I've discovered its existence combined. There were moments it became the reason behind my difficulty to talk, sometimes suffocating, greater than my G in maths as I told her I was:


Feeling this hot but damp liquid falling from my eyes to my cheeks and then my fingers as I try to stop it but it seems like my body has it's own mind and my eyes itch of showing what lays inside. She saw, a bit too late. Just like everybody else and I knew there was nothing more to say than "OK". As what she thought wasn't what I knew, and the truth is still somewhere beneath my feet struggling to get out jumping to her table but caught in the grasp of my hands as I threw it back down so vigorously stomping on it with my mind. "SIT STILL!", bang bang it stopped. Shut down your mind, how could I have break at that very moment. Felt so betrayed, by my own bloody self. Get your shit together! - and I smiled a little bit. I laughed and everything was OK again. At least that's what she saw, that's what I showed.

It wasn't her, or her job, or where I am and what I'm doing there. It was the beginning, that morning. All I wanted those few days was to be understood, but hopes are bound for dejection when it comes to me. So I hide behind this charade. Not knowing when it will stop, I keep moving on.


your so-called phase, again.

Seems like everything is to you.
Even if to me, it is more than just so.

They ask, I answer, they ask, I answer, they ask, I answer, they ask with voices raised higher than the last time, I answer. They don't ask anymore, they don't bother. All over the answers that do not sound reasonable enough. My answers are made up to them. They are unable to comprehend my reason. I do not have a strong enough reason to support my answers. All because my answers, are mine. My answers are not theirs; they are not the answers they have subconsciously set for me to answer to them, in their minds.

If it's true, if this is just another phase than I know damn well which phase this is. It's that one I had at fifteen but much more feeling, a bit like when I was fourteen but much more aware. How could they tell me I know nothing of myself when I acknowledge exactly how I feel and what kind of feeling it is. Wonder how it got this way again, was it because I left my old habits for a so-called clean start and life or a certain kind of culture shock to my insides as I let in all the feelings back after living dead and often feeling less of the need for affection or/and attention. Down side is, you get teary when angry as easily as you block out your feelings. This time it's all at once. Mornings cold and teary like the beginning of the year, I let in hope and chances, put in a bit of faith but it all backfires on me. Funny.

Toughen up. Shake off the dirt, this thing's starting to look pretty shitty smelling like a dump looking like the image you see as you wake up from 11 hours of crying miraculously without bloodshot eyes.


when it's all about the money.

"I have given you everything"
Is it not yet enough?

Because everyone has given me everything that I came to be such a selfish ignorant brat, is that it? To them, yes. I wonder why it is said the way it is. Giving you everything, every-thing, everyTHING, every-THING, THING THING THING, exactly! It's the things, the money, that in the end we are taught to appreciate. So somehow every kid who has got it all will never know what s/he has until it's gone; that they are spoiled, they know of nothing but to be given what is asked for. However it's not all of that kind that has never felt a lost. To lose something you can't replace, worth more than money could buy or ever purchase. What when lost, starts to change things along with you. Sometimes worsen though if you're lucky maybe not.

I've felt that. Money can't buy back a life.

If anything included the care and love and all things great why am I what I am today? You become confuse of who you are when deep inside you know you. You're just unsure of who you want to come out as. If it's true that everything was given why do you feel so alone? Days you have lived as someone else or two at once. The things you have kept to yourself despite knowing that in an average normal family it is those things you should be able to share and talk about. Often a chameleon, blending in depending on the situation. Your silence becomes the death of you. Everything, you learn to remember as just another synonym to nothing.

People these days work so hard for the things that won't even matter in the end. 
When really all they've ever needed was for someone to be there.