defense mechanism.

Reading back everything starting from 2k11; so much feels, a bit too much of missing this and that. Positivity here and there, memories, at times trauma. Still, I find it hard to relate to these days. I don't miss those things as much as everyone said I would. I feel nothing about it.

And I guess I prefer it this way.

-riri-

the finer things.

I'm as bad at goodbyes as I am at explaining my reasons when apologising. 

Often I mean everything I say. Other times it's just stuck like a lump in my throat unsaid.

Here's for saving me, coming to KD all the way from Ampang and sending me back afterwards. For being okay with me high and drunk; out of balance, laughing and talking a bit too loudly. For all the babi, sial, fuck you I've said that he doesn't make such a fuss over because he's no different except for the part where he never aims it at me. For listening and understanding, exchanging ideologies or views through his perspective. For treating me like I'm just another person despite our age differences.

For his patience every time I am reckless, stubborn and confusing or too much of unknown at once. For accompanying me to the loo. For persuading me to go home. For genuinely caring and making me feel safe. For the hugs, every second he really held my hand as if it was his and asking me if I'm coming down to a fever whenever my temperature suddenly rises. For observing, for asking, for putting his hand on my head smiling to the lost puppy he found and been keeping around not knowing how much I need it. For letting me lean on him as long and as many times as I want to. For hopping to the back of the car with me instead of leaving me behind on my own. For watching me cry and wiping it away for me, trying to console me even if he had no clue how to.

For apologising. For not calling me out for my bimbo moments. For being my Afiq, Syafiq, Haziq, Farid, baby and whatever it is we (I accidentally) use. Even if really, he's just Asyik- the only. For driving around not asking for tol or fuel money (though you need it I'm sorry). For not getting mad at me that he had to sleep in his car because I'm a piece of shit. For staying up and wasting his nights away. For letting me in, even when he knows he's better off without. For reminding me to be rational because I'm starting to forget how to. For looking me in the eye and telling me that whatever it is, things that happened are over his own will too, that it is not just me or just him but us. 

For pulling me back in and blocking the door's lock with his hand to stop me from getting out of the car. For actually following me from behind when I did, and got out of the car just to get me back in and buying me breakfast afterwards. For telling me he'd punch my ex in his face for that one thing he did. For giving me his undivided attention in the hours we spent and for once after so long, I hear people constantly asking me if I'm okay or what I'm thinking of, like they sincerely want to know the answers to it.

Even if it isn't much to him. Even if it's only out of his own kindness and respect. Even if this might last for a couple of weeks. Even if this could all be another facade or a made up story, a "beautiful lie, an experiment. Even if he ends to be just another collected memory and story to tell - It has been nice.

-riri-

crinkle cut.

It goes like :

"or could I ever imagined the agony of the day it does if it ever."

(losing you).

So I was reading back. Thought I'd talk about it, because who would've thought- I actually want to. I may not feel nothing now, I really don't. However looking back, at what I said and how I was the day I realised I wasn't ever going to get him back, that this time there's no next time and whatever I do or how hard I try everything's said and done; gives me the sort of wake up call I needed.

I don't cry the way I did that night, to anyone. Or at least for anyone. I bawled my lungs and soul out shaking vigorously in front of my brother out of everyone, blaming myself for being such a fucked up, for being too bloody sad, for having disordered eating, weird habits, falling into depression and thinking it was me who pushed him away after everything we've went through and the amount of times I had to bloody pick myself up just so I could still be the one he fell for when he first met me. 

It was excruciating on a level I wouldn't have thought I'd let myself go through but for him I did. He wouldn't know though he will. This time was different, knowing it was hopeless, I dragged myself up everyday to get through. I tried finding things to do, I went out, met new people, smiled and laughed my days away when if it was up to me I would rather just sleep my life away and rot again until my body decays into the nothingness that I felt inside of me. 

It's amazing really, it still amazes me that every single time I want to throw everything behind and give up, I can never really allow myself to and honestly as cliché as this might sound, it was always because of Him. Even if I had the littlest faith left inside of me it was the fuel that had me going, that kept me from going fully insane.

See, everything's going to be alright because nothing is but as bad as it gets, it's always going to get better at a point. A never ending circle, a lesson you're always reminded of no matter how good you think you already are at it.

-riri-

4:14am: coming sun.

I don't run to my phone over the sound of it's vibration against my dressing table. 

I do not get paranoid or excited. Nor do I lie to myself and act to the point of believing what wasn't but now honestly speaking, do I really not? 

-riri-

esthetically cliché.

Let your name loose, into the name of the ghost I chase.

Come with your embrace, spreading safety as you slowly crush me.

Step on me, break me, with not even the slightest of mercy let me learn.

Then leave.

And I still love you.

Because I've always known what I was getting into.

-riri-

mengundang.

I guess God's testing me again. Sorry for the delayed prayers, I haven't been alive for awhile. No second thoughts, risking everything and over-thinking none. How long are we going to believe we could actually live to all the swears we had sworn upon. It's not a yes or a no, more like a no or what you really desire. And opposed to the need of affection and appreciation, I'm here freely giving. It's when you know better than to open up and spurt things out, but recklessly give away quarter of your universe to someone whose full name you don't even know.

I'm not sure of which but I know I'm getting into something I already know I should avoid. I shouldn't want to and know better, but too eager to learn, to experience- pain feels so good when you least want it to. Tanta Ajeng used to tell me "This, this boy now is not the one. You'll have more boys admiring over you, Have fun! Go around" so here's to her words and all I already know I'll go through. Even if it breaks me as lust and love confused and fuse always does. 

Then again, why not?

-riri-

the stranger the better.

4:00 am-ish, 21/09/16.

"Serious ah?"

"Fucking serious"

Blurred vision but who could've possibly had missed that smile.

"Macam what the fuck kan?" "Yeah like fuck." "Fuck!"

Fin.

-riri-

alright.

If you're wondering, I'm fine.

Everything is.

-riri-

a younger me & malay breakups.

If you want to go so bad then go.
I say it as many times as I need to.
And much enough for it to happen.

Never wanted you to go and you went.
Jadi kalau nak sangat pergi, pergi lah.
Pergi main jauh jauh.
Jauh enough tak termampu nak patah balik.

Pergi lah, kan you nak sangat pergi.
Pergi lah banyak kali lagi, kan you memang suka.
Pergi lah- sebab hobi.
Pergi lagi- sebab talent.

Pergi, because everyone eventually does.
Pergi, because you can't stand being mine.
Pergi, because I know you really want to.

Go, because that's all I ever used to do.
Go, because I can no longer look at you.

So leave like you haven't already. 

Sebab I sayang you tapi I dah tak mampu. 

I dah tak malu, I just tak mahu. 

I think it's about time for me to go.

I've never not want to love anyone

as much as I don't want to love you.

-riri-

another d.

What a shame you had to prove me wrong
by proving me right. tsk tsk.

-riri-

over prayers.

I can be a bitch- make that everyone but the only reason I still have a heart is because I choose to. I don't think we're never really aware of the things we wish for until it becomes reality but I hope we don't spend our whole lives in ignorance. We often realise when it's too late and despite the lesson learned, we eventually repeat the same mistakes. Funny how it takes so long for me to feel the love I do now but I guess better now than never, no? I couldn't be more grateful. 

-riri-

*dialling*.

There is this sort of hatred that keeps taking me back to this day,

the sort of hatred so full of love towards what I've became, what I once were.

Then I loved me more. God, I'm on the verge of going back.

-riri-

one with us.

In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. 

We no longer mention, overlooking often. Allah. What are you so ashamed of if people ever heard? Allah. Left behind were the days you cupped your hands at the length of your face to thank Him for the food in front of you. Now feeling out of place to, looking at everyone else stuffed before you without a care in the world. Allah. "O Allah, with your name, I die and I live" like we used to as kids, every step, every doing, "nanti Allah marah" we would tell our friends. Every puff, every sip, every swear, every moment of sinning, we forget. I haven't been emphasising much of Him the way I used to, still alhamdulillah for every second He reminds me.

"Our Lord! We have sinned against ourselves 

and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us, 

we shall most certainly be lost."

-riri-

echo.

Every single time it goes back to this.

Every of these moments go back to then.

Who knew home would keep coming and going,

disappearing over time. Some days I wish I could go back.

I just want to be home again more often than not.

But I've lost that warm welcome and I'm tired of all these sessions.

-riri-

paucity of signs.

These instincts are a curse. A blessing and a curse. I can't seem to comprehend it's point or who it's really latching on. I used to believe it was nothing but a way for me to foresee events, a heads up like when the traffic light turns red for the pedestrians right before it goes green for the cars, they had their warning and you'd be dumb to walk before it changes. It's bullocks that there is such a thing as hyper empathy, god who would've thought.

Some things you just can't tell anyone. I've gotten over all the rainbows, the light, the what ifs. What I had was different but it couldn't have possibly built a bond quite this strong. Even if it did, I wouldn't allow myself to sink in to that thought at this point. This time it's just me. It's a bit frightening really, to come to the conclusion or reach to a state where it isn't about anyone else but you. Sometimes I feel like there's two. Why do I have to be the one to feel the presence of those no longer there despite my effort to cut it all off. This leaves me at a dead end. I don't want to pretend or make believe that there is a reason behind this. Some things I no longer want anything to do with. But god, it's so hard to be the one to feel everything.

Guess my bedtime's over.

Talk about getting some rest.

-riri-