the finer things.

I'm as bad at goodbyes as I am at explaining my reasons when apologising. 

Often I mean everything I say. Other times it's just stuck like a lump in my throat unsaid.

Here's for saving me, coming to KD all the way from Ampang and sending me back afterwards. For being okay with me high and drunk; out of balance, laughing and talking a bit too loudly. For all the babi, sial, fuck you I've said that he doesn't make such a fuss over because he's no different except for the part where he never aims it at me. For listening and understanding, exchanging ideologies or views through his perspective. For treating me like I'm just another person despite our age differences.

For his patience every time I am reckless, stubborn and confusing or too much of unknown at once. For accompanying me to the loo. For persuading me to go home. For genuinely caring and making me feel safe. For the hugs, every second he really held my hand as if it was his and asking me if I'm coming down to a fever whenever my temperature suddenly rises. For observing, for asking, for putting his hand on my head smiling to the lost puppy he found and been keeping around not knowing how much I need it. For letting me lean on him as long and as many times as I want to. For hopping to the back of the car with me instead of leaving me behind on my own. For watching me cry and wiping it away for me, trying to console me even if he had no clue how to.

For apologising. For not calling me out for my bimbo moments. For being my Afiq, Syafiq, Haziq, Farid, baby and whatever it is we (I accidentally) use. Even if really, he's just Asyik- the only. For driving around not asking for tol or fuel money (though you need it I'm sorry). For not getting mad at me that he had to sleep in his car because I'm a piece of shit. For staying up and wasting his nights away. For letting me in, even when he knows he's better off without. For reminding me to be rational because I'm starting to forget how to. For looking me in the eye and telling me that whatever it is, things that happened are over his own will too, that it is not just me or just him but us. 

For pulling me back in and blocking the door's lock with his hand to stop me from getting out of the car. For actually following me from behind when I did, and got out of the car just to get me back in and buying me breakfast afterwards. For telling me he'd punch my ex in his face for that one thing he did. For giving me his undivided attention in the hours we spent and for once after so long, I hear people constantly asking me if I'm okay or what I'm thinking of, like they sincerely want to know the answers to it.

Even if it isn't much to him. Even if it's only out of his own kindness and respect. Even if this might last for a couple of weeks. Even if this could all be another facade or a made up story, a "beautiful lie, an experiment. Even if he ends to be just another collected memory and story to tell - It has been nice.

-riri-