crinkle cut.

It goes like :

"or could I ever imagined the agony of the day it does if it ever."

(losing you).

So I was reading back. Thought I'd talk about it, because who would've thought- I actually want to. I may not feel nothing now, I really don't. However looking back, at what I said and how I was the day I realised I wasn't ever going to get him back, that this time there's no next time and whatever I do or how hard I try everything's said and done; gives me the sort of wake up call I needed.

I don't cry the way I did that night, to anyone. Or at least for anyone. I bawled my lungs and soul out shaking vigorously in front of my brother out of everyone, blaming myself for being such a fucked up, for being too bloody sad, for having disordered eating, weird habits, falling into depression and thinking it was me who pushed him away after everything we've went through and the amount of times I had to bloody pick myself up just so I could still be the one he fell for when he first met me. 

It was excruciating on a level I wouldn't have thought I'd let myself go through but for him I did. He wouldn't know though he will. This time was different, knowing it was hopeless, I dragged myself up everyday to get through. I tried finding things to do, I went out, met new people, smiled and laughed my days away when if it was up to me I would rather just sleep my life away and rot again until my body decays into the nothingness that I felt inside of me. 

It's amazing really, it still amazes me that every single time I want to throw everything behind and give up, I can never really allow myself to and honestly as cliché as this might sound, it was always because of Him. Even if I had the littlest faith left inside of me it was the fuel that had me going, that kept me from going fully insane.

See, everything's going to be alright because nothing is but as bad as it gets, it's always going to get better at a point. A never ending circle, a lesson you're always reminded of no matter how good you think you already are at it.

-riri-