look at me now.

Saturday, 30 August 2014

you snooze you lose.

I see things go and end. I hope for and try to get and keep the things I want but often I end up just a few seconds late and it's no longer there anymore. Even when given a second chance to grab it, I can never afford to. It doesn't break my heart as it happens too much and constantly, but the disheartening ache is felt, for every time it does.


Monday, 18 August 2014

dwell or speak.

There's a lot I think about
And much that crosses my mind
Some I never mentioned or got the chance to say
And so much more that never came out.

Like how I feel about him and the things I think of us, how I make sense of it all and create my own storyline or what I have in mind of what would come. And it doesn't make much sense if you hear it from me but I know nothing ever does which makes it just as real. And if I could I'd tell you it all, for every second or minute or day it crosses my mind I would tell you straight away if I could but things are no longer the same, it never would remain I thought. Life keeps going and the constant changes causing everyone else to follow the flow and decide on things without having another thought just because you're living life, doesn't exactly make it all good and I know it shouldn't be but for certain things, I thought maybe there was a limit. You don't just dive in, you test the waters. All these disjoined thoughts leaving in nothing but a blur image for me, confuse or rather disenchanted to hopelessly afloat. I despise knowing how I had so much to say and still have more on going, but I never once had the chance to say it all due to the fear of needing the perfect timing or right situation because it doesn't exist and now,

you can't take back the words you never said.


find me she screamed.


They ask, for one more time;
where have you hid your faith.
As I looked up and wonder,
I answered:

In the child that I was once in
The one I was always with
That innocence I no longer feel
One that I have killed.


Sunday, 10 August 2014


I was okay
maybe a minute ago
or two hours before
not now though.

I'd rather not be reminded of it, I don't check, I don't search, but it comes by to spite me. Maybe fate is just a big mean bully picking on kids half its size, leaving them hoping for days where it would spare them a bit of kindness, but it never. This is speaking over emotions then again, which makes it a selfish statement. Looking back you'd notice the amount of times fate had brought you upon happiness, and here we are cursing over its "mistakes". It's human nature I suppose but we always have the choice to try defy what was meant to be with prayers and so, but how far do we believe the things we say when our hearts are closed? Not quite sure, my heart has left the building as my faith stands on the verge of a cliff. People are so much and more but as much as they are foul. I lost myself in all of this. I can't explain to those whom I know won't understand and I don't expect them to ask or fathom such distraught thoughts. I already know what would be ask upon me, all the words they would speak of I've heard over and over again yet it doesn't help, it never does. Until I let it- I don't always do.



"Doesn't it bother you, everyone looking at you, smoking?"
Worrying about what other people think won't make you happy.

"Does this make you happy?"
We all need something to hold on to.


left a lie.

and so from the top of my voice
without a gasp of breath
I screamed your name
so fuck you anyway I'd say
then I left.

I left after admitting my hatred for you
I left after I knew what wasn't and was true
I left and lied
I lied when I said
I no longer love you.



I love you more than I love myself.
And although it is wrong,
I hope one day you would end to love yourself,
The way I can never love me.
The way I will always love you.
I do.


Tuesday, 5 August 2014

to the person I lost once again.

I left in hopes you would chase after me,
Though I knew you would have never.
Instead I took a step back to run after you,
Never have I planned to look for another.
Not a better jock no, never someone new,
When all I have ever wanted was to be with you.


with you, I am that girl,

and I want to be that girl who-

Wherever he is whatever time it is, if he ever needed me I'd like to be there. If I could in person, god knows I would. Through the bad days and the good, for better or worst I would want to be there to experience it all. Even when misunderstandings or arguments occur, I would go back to him as soon as I could, to make up for things even if it wasn't my fault, or if it was ever anyone else's. I know him, and how he would react or become. Although not much is said, I feel it inside. As if we spoke telepathically when words are absent. And though I fail to at times, I know what he wants, how he wish he would be treated or what he hopes for me to do with expectations that I won't, but I would, I did.

I want to hear what happens to him or what he goes through from day to day on a daily basis just because I don't have the chance to go through it with him just yet. Adore him for his achievements and although it might mean so little to him of what I think to be compared to what anyone else finds of it, I would be so proud of him. Not for just the medals or the certificate or the pride or anything corresponding to so, but for doing what he loved, enough to have make him happy. When he does things for the sake of everyone else, or the people he loves, there are times when he thinks he failed, those times I'd like to be there to remind him that he had tried and I know he would tell me he could've done better or he hadn't gave it his all but I know how hard it is to even try because I have stopped trying a lot of things, so I would ask him to look at how I turned out to be, to say that he could be and already is better than most.

Some days, some nights, I know how scared or sad he gets though he would never have admit or barely ever mention the matter to me but he doesn't need to, those times are one of the moments I wish we live just a couple of blocks away or better yet, next door neighbours. It's moments like those I wish I could be there to hug him and comfort him. If either one of us got hurt or were the one who hurt, I straight up if I could ever, just meet up with him; I always feel the need to although often impossible, I would hold his face in the palms of my hands and reassure him that whatever happens I will always love him, never less, always more, for as long as he wants me to because I do and if he needs to be reminded of it every single day, I would. If treating him as if he were a prince would make him blush as much as he could feel flattered with joy, I wouldn't mind to. 

Every time I see that face of his, not knowing what's been going on around anymore god knows how I wish things are going smoothly for him although through his eyes I find another story. He would say that it's okay or that he's doing good, he would say it's fine and even if there were truth in some of the statements he gave out, I knew much were lies. That's what kills, not being able to be trusted but it doesn't change how things are, or how I see him through my eyes. I don't think people get how much I love this guy. Like how shitty am I, very, but I love this guy for some miraculous unknown reason. Get that I want to be the girl that he can't forget, the one he loves, the one he'd keep. I'd like to be the person he could trust to go to telling things even if at the moment we were giving each other the cold shoulder treatment, because I know I would be there if he ever wanted me to and I always want to. I want to be the one that he could cry in front of and wipe it all away for him. I just want to be with him.

I can't care less of what anyone else thinks. I know how stupid or silly or however people would put it, I've become over someone who once was nothing more but a stranger to me but I couldn't have been more honest. I know how cliche everything is but it could never not be when it comes to feelings.

There was a time when I look at at him and saw myself, where I knew what it was and how it felt. That day I thought to myself, I would do anything to make him happy. Because that would without doubt make me just as happy and more than anything I thought he deserved that. For him we know I would. I've seen him at his worst, and still find that he's the best.


one day, if ever.

You would put me at the back of your mind,
you would lock thoughts of me up, or throw me out.

And I know he would never, but we know where we stand now. Our places switched, my state of mind when it comes to him goes back to the kind I once had lost long ago. Such a girl, weak, I'd once call it at one point. Maybe just like every other before him, when I start to fall hard, they fell out. Difference is, after awhile, one after another, with him I care enough to go back, to try make it right, to gain what we lost before all goes to waste, because this time I believe there is a chance. The way I once gave him a chance. I know somewhere, somehow hope is there, hope is him, and I'm hoping. Besides how could I have let myself gave someone the permission to make me believe in what I've loathe on to swear never to have speak of, and let just be a lesson. Not this time, this time it should stay, this time it would lasts.

He could ignore all the nice things I say from the bottom of my heart just to get no replies, he could forget the things I tell him, he could pretend the memories doesn't cross his mind as often as he would admit, he can act cold to me the way I once did with him, he could be the biggest ego maniac he wants (though if in previous times, I would have never bothered to get to know such a person intimately), he could apologise and repeat the same mistakes, he can hurt me and make me cry, he could act like he isn't killing me emotionally, yet still, I would not and have not love him any less than I did then as I do now. Exactly the way he once tried, the way he treated me once, I would now be in his shoes as he changes into who I was. For him I would.

He could meet someone new, be so in love with the lucky girl who would end up with another, that couldn't see what he was worth like the others, he could go on with life as normally as he would keeping himself busy, going out, having fun, living life, as opposite to how miserable I am with my condition, he could pretend, he could smile and laugh and still I would know, that if he ever came back knocking at my door, I would welcome him in with open arms. For him, I would. Despite everything that has happened in between. For Far I would, because I want to.

If I knew why, I would have told, but I no longer do. I just know that it feels right even when everyone else says the contrary. He isn't to be left behind. Out of all the things I've given up hopelessly on, he is not one of it; he is the one thing I wouldn't want to easily give up on out of everybody and of everything to anything and I can't explain why.


Friday, 1 August 2014

not another care.

"Take care". And my heart broke.

Like the sounds of shattered glass falling, I heard it with ache. I knew, because I knew and we all know that it wasn't of me to care of myself that way. I love myself and care about my well being more than anything and anyone because I know no one would the way I could, but everyone knew, or at least I am the only who knows, that it's not in the form or way everyone else would normally do. I self destruct. I destroy myself more than I could ever have the heart to on others. We all know but the reasons to it, we don't. Maybe that is why I'm fond of getting attach to people who will get as attach or more to me. So I could give out all the care and love they lack for themselves, the kind I barely let myself receive. As if all that I am I'd rather give to someone else and that, that is how I love myself. The only way I could feel loved at most.

Telling me to take care is equivalent to giving me the greenlight to burn my school down with hopes that I won't. We all know that I would. Though I try to stay alive, even if I no longer live my life. It disheartens me leaving this feeling of dejection swerving around in the air back and forth in and out for that I know I would fail whoever that asks of such upon me. When really all I want is to be with them, feeling cared for. Pretending to need the need to be needed when for all we know could be just another excuse to mask up the real intentions of wanting to take care and cherish them instead, making them feel worthwhile as I make them feel able to do the same for me. But I was okay to begin with, couldn't get better, some days worst, but okay. Still, now, it breaks me even more to hear those words. Because I know...


all for the nothing that's left.

I'm not quite sure of what I'm doing or why I am moving at this pace or on this path. Can't quite put my finger on what is right or if I even find it wrong. Everything's so grey, no longer black and white, or ever could it be as straightforward as I would usually put it. Similar yet so unusual. If I could put it into words, I would but I can't. I cringed at the thought of how clueless I've become because I can't tell, I can't say what I'm in or what this is.

But I've never been so desperate. I've never cared so much. I've never bothered to put myself so low in anything before, never have I tried so hard on what seems so insignificant to people around me. If I could change how things are I would although I know better than to do so. Barriers after barriers ahead of me yet one is completely burnt down for the same person, that only person and I can't find my way out of my self-create maze. No reasons legit enough found, but promises I would have never put so much thought in if it were to be made years before. So what changed? Was is the circumstance, the distance, the fears, or was it just



i don't (know).

"baby why are you so sad?"
I don't know
I know. I don't know how to explain

"why are you doing this?"
I don't know
I know. I just can't explain

"you need to get back up you know?"
I know
I don't know how to

"get your shit together"
I know
I know
I can't
I can
I don't want to