old story, new chapter.

I'd like to say I met so many this year

and lost so much. The way it always is.

People, things, it all comes and goes.

But not this year. This year it's just me.

I've lost you and got you back in my arms, in just a year or less. I had everything one moment, and nothing the next. At 3 in the morning, this wasn't planned. You crossed my mind and so did the realisation of how this year is coming to an end. But god I'm glad it would end once again, with you as mine, and us as one. I hope there wouldn't be a day where falling apart becomes a must, as if it was destine to, I don't plan to let it or could I ever imagine the agony of the day it does if it ever. Stay with me. Keep us close. Even in the saddest of times, you've made me the happiest. Although it seemed impossible to believe it with how I always am or how hard is it to handle me at certain times, always pushing you to the edge, I never once felt like life could get any better without you. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life for as far as I'm aware, and one of the most beautiful human being I've ever got involved with despite whatever that had happened, you've never been less than great. You've always been flawless to me. Perfection at its finest. Even at moments where I'd wish to strangle you and scream straight to your face for being oblivious. You are everything, you breathed me a new life; a life where the past stays where it is, getting more trivial as each day passes by. It makes me wish it was possible for me to not get affected or influenced by it, but it makes me who I am today and I'm sorry. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. You do. You're the only thing I've been having my heart, head and mind set on. You're my goal. To be with you and to always have you with me, to have you want me just as much, to make you just as happy and to keep you, this time.

No matter what I say, thought or how I took things wrongly at times, I never saw you as a phase. You've always been more than that. You've always been more than what people see you as to me. More than where you think you stand in my life. Who would've thought it could work out, I saw doubts in people's expression when I talked about it at the very beginning, I saw uncertainty, I heard disagreement. However afraid I was, I believed in you, I believed in us and I still do. I'm glad I did. I can never really imagine how different life would be if I hadn't. I want to still be able to go through another new year, knowing I'd be able to go through it all with you once again, for the rest of my life. I love you far, always. Always

-riri-

3-5.

and there are days where I think
I could go a day or three without food
but some crackers, a glass of milk or two
and that'd be enough to keep me full.

I could lose a pound or twenty three
and then I'd eat like normally
I swear I'd be happy.

But I knew deep inside
I knew without the need to be told
it's all just another lie.

And an excuse to die.

-riri-

growing up.

I realised it wasn't about just being all grown up.

It wasn't about finally getting to wear your mum's lipstick without the need to hide it from her when you did to avoid getting scolded for it or to be given a certain look where you just knew it was all that needed to be done to signal you to stop.

It wasn't about finally getting to wear a bra without having to fill it up with tissue papers or wear heels and dresses, looking fabulous and for once, having real things to be carried around in your handbag. Essentials you'd never actually thought you needed, those things you found so little significance once!

They said don't grow up too fast. Dress up your age. You don't need to wear that. Why would you need that? What for? They'd asked. Enjoy your childhood. Live your teenage years to the fullest. Forget love it's useless, phases after phases, it doesn't last. Cherish each moment.

They tell us way too many times hoping we'd remember, pushing us to listen. They've been through it all. I guess they must have regretted much enough to be telling someone else not to do the same, repeating someone else's mistake to make it your own. Or maybe, they've just lived the wrong way.

It no longer matters at this point. I realised to me it was never the need to grow up past 18, it was never college life or getting married, finding prince charming, living happily ever after. I grew up out of experience and all that they had put me through. My way of thinking wasn't fully influenced by my surroundings or those that came and went, I made my choices, I followed my way.

I wanted to grow up, so they'd listen.

But they'll never listen,
not the way I did.

-riri-

all for far.

I could write him hundreds of letters, thousand of words on sheets of paper. I'd write it all by hand, when I could. I'd write all about him, in case he ever forgets what it's like to live and know for sure that he is more than just the nothing he speaks so much of himself. He is more than that to me. It doesn't matter what it is I am or how much he feels the same way, he matters most over all. I write poems, letters, songs, with an ending of either a dead end or dissatisfaction. Nothing suits him as perfectly as how I see him through my eyes. Words can't describe, as cliche as it sounds that is how it is with him. Nothing is ever enough to be compared to him. Even the most intelligent person would not be able to define him overall, from top to toe in and out. If they were able, they too would fall head over heels for him. Though I'd go black and blue for him. Only him.

-riri-

couldn't have been better.

I came across- no, I searched for- .

5 months ago
if anyone asked about me to you,
there would not have even been an answer.

Do you have a girlfriend?

"no"

And no one knew, or would've known,

not even myself, of who it is in your heart.

I would have never known, if she left a scar,

as deep, wide or as many that could be counted as the ones I too have.

None knew, if she still had a place in you,

a home for her to come back to, but you.

Did it hurt, when it all came to an end?

Might not have been compared to the pain of not knowing,

if maybe it never have left.

1 month ago

for each questions regarding you and I,

answered without hesitations, concern, 

or ever an ounce of doubt;

Do you love someone?

"I do"

I do, too.

I have always did.

I still do, and always will.

It has always been you.

Far.

-riri-

an idle position.

I'm always with people, but just the people I choose to be with. Even when I know I'm not what they need. Sometimes I am, I know. Though that doesn't mean they do too. Or perhaps they do. They think so, or make themselves feel so, but they don't know how to take care of the things they already now have or would appreciate it by showing gratitude or so, not everyone does that.

People talk a lot. They say things they don't mean or what seems right to be said at the moment without realising it. Some people find it hard to say anything at all, they end with nothing said. Some says so many things similar but isn't just because they can't seem to find the precise word to describe how they feel for a certain thing. I hate how this is how it will always be. I guess that's exactly why you don't just say things, you prove it. Not in that way. It's when your action speaks louder than words, when you barely ever doubt someone's word to you by how they treat you or what they do for you. You'd just know. I find that so many people misuse the words they know so well of. Most people can never really tell what they mean to a person, some can't even put it in words to tell the person that means so much to them, where exactly they stand in their lives. It's the saddest to see people blurting out things they're not even sure of yet or saying more than they actually mean to a person, as they leave them with so much false hope.

The problem is not everyone knows what they want or if what they have although is what they need, is exactly what they want for themselves. I know what I want, but just because I do, doesn't mean the person I want knows or feels the same way. To know what you own, to know what it's worth and how to keep it is a trait not everyone has. When you don't is how you lose people and either realises your mistakes later on or not even care so much of the lost at all. It depends on what you know. It's crazy how things like these could destroy lives. It's all about choices. People can choose what they want or learn what they need. It's all up to them.

I somehow enjoy observing, sometimes get myself involved. A lab rat to myself. Everyone's a bit similar to the next or different by motive, background, purpose, duration. I can't really put into words how I see myself or what exactly I am. That one time chance. I'm either a mistake, a lesson or a lost. It's all about them, never about me. Not even to sound like I'm in need of some sympathy, I don't. I feel nothing for it. To me, each time what I see is what I get. You know exactly what you mean or where you stand by it. I don't have to ask people to throw away what they already have for me, if they wanted to or needed to they would already have and I wouldn't want anyone to do so just because I said all this. Unless they want to themselves on their on influence.

I accept whatever is given or however things go for me, that's all there is left to do. You don't ask for much or ask to be put as a priority to the people you choose to be with, because you can't. I don't have the right to or deserve any of it. People won't ever notice what I am exactly in their life or my purpose. They don't, they won't. I'm just to pass time. I don't quite mind at all after awhile. If it's wrong you cut it off, leave and move on. You choose your path. Everything falls into place in the end, if you let it. I know what I'm worth, I was never worth anyone's time really, no matter how much they tell me that I am at one point. Most I know don't even know what they want or need. That's how I know whether it's time to go.

I'm worth someone's time or to be in someone's life, if I find that someone who knows that I am. Not thinks I am. It'd be good to be exactly what someone needs for once. Not lust or a want. A need, but only if it is what it really is and that's if it's meant to be.

-riri-

better for you.

1) And only one: stay.
I can't afford to lose you too.

One day I will be able to love you better than I have ever did. I would be able to take every inch of sorrow away, keep you company before you ever even get the chance to feel lonely.

Stay for every time it gets hard for you or I. Remind you for every time you fail to remember how much you mean to me and how much love I feel for you; how many things I can never feel for anyone but you. For each time I cry writing, saying, or typing things from the bottom of my heart, where I am the most honest, you are one of the many things I mention. And I've said to those before you of how they mean the world to me but none felt so real as when it is said to you. I can never put it exactly into words anymore ending up with so many to say but nothing said right. I want so much for you and so many I'd do.

One day I'd be the best you ever had. No, I want to be the only one you would ever have. Even if I was never the first or the second or third, I'd be the only one. The way you are to me. You've always been.

-riri-

13 days to the end.

Subconsciously I knew. Not much, nothing really but something in me indicates that I do. By my actions, thoughts and emotions. I already knew or have it figured out. To me it's not the matter of how you make your year anymore, it's how to get through all that will be thrown to you. I'm guessing a lot, for next year.

It's going to be the same as this year and the last 2, maybe as bad as this one unsurprisingly. Or worse. It's going to be a hard nerve wrecking emotional and lonely year, 2015. I feel it in my gut. I can't wait to see who I'll lose next. It's funny, to think you've lost so much, almost all to be precise but then comes a day where you lose more. Another or two. I can't stop the feelings that rush into my veins or the thoughts banging on the sides of my head to get in and ruin each day I have to force myself to live through. I let them in, lately so often do I do. I thought I got better. Maybe this is the price of opening up to life, letting people in again and "living" it. All for it to be taken away at one point. Just for laughs.

As if every life I chose to live is only to get me murdered and reborn into another (sometimes better but more fucked in the head), version of myself. I wish I knew the exact words to describe it all. I can't even read the way I did. I sometimes hope to find the life that would love having me in it as much as I never did living in its previous ones.

Is this that phase people have been telling me about? The one I hear each time I go through such things. Phase phase phase all I ever am all I ever will be all I ever go through is just another phase to everyone. I'm convinced there's this huge sign stitched to my forehead for me to see each time I turn to the mirror and be reminded that I will never be more than that. What I am or do or say will never be crucial enough to be taken seriously. 

"It's just a phase".

It makes me wish death was just a phase as well. A phase before you go into eternal slumber. Vanishing into the nothingness. Stop existing entirely. To be so meaningless; just like the person you were alive.

I am going through this again. How delightful is it to be such a burden to so many. The excruciating emotional and mental pain it brings could never have even describe the amount of self hatred and guilt I feel for the lives I was fated to be included in. I'm bewildered by whether I fear or am glad of what's starting to happen, the taste of self destruction and the feeling of love and warmth in such a lost state I might have just miss ever so badly, knowing it is the only thing I'm good at. The only thing that wants me and clings on to me, dragging me to come back.

Begging for me to come home.

-riri-

not just a phrase.

I'm starting to hate hearing people telling me to take care instead of asking me to. As much as the amount of annoyance I have for each time I get a "have fun" from the people I wish to be with when I'm away. Maybe it's that every take care sounds like I'll leave you alone now, you're own your own kid. While have fun seems like another way to say I'm glad you'd be away for awhile at times. It's not always true how it means exactly how I would interpret it, to the person saying it. Although there are moments, where it seem as if it obviously is. Although it isn't. It's ironic to me how I could feel such a way about two words in a sentence put together, when I myself use it on people almost too frequently.

Maybe it's that, when I say it, it means almost most times, exactly how I would take it, from my perspective, that it gets me flustered. Sometimes I lie subconsciously for everyone else's own good, when deep inside I know it never make things any better. I'll never know why, or maybe I do, it just gets me a bit nervous and exposed to admit why. Maybe every lie is to see who would care enough to look through it. Although preposterous, yet somehow in a way logical. To me, the least.

For every of my "take care",

(I hope you do fine

please come back),

And for each of my "have fun",

(wish it'd be with me, 

I miss you so, I'll miss you more).

-riri-

that time of the year each year.

I can't quite put a finger on it,

well I could've honestly,

on you,

and me,

us.

We do this all the time,

gets me thinking maybe I'm the only one,

or that maybe it was never me,

or you,

but them.

Chuckles me up inside each time,

how it was never us,

but everyone else,

causing us to become nothing more,

but dust.

-riri-

soul & heart.

I would write a thousand feelings and emotions at once that I feel for each time I see his face or think of him but everything goes by so fast I can't recall it all. Everything is so different now. I don't quite know where I am but god knows this is the best place I've been so far.

I can't put a finger on it, of when and how it got this hard to put it down on paper. It's when you're so excited of what to come but at the same moment grabbing and cherishing whatever there is now. Days pass, it comes, it goes, he's there, he's not, I'm here, I'm not. We're back here again with each other and each time feels like the first but better. When you get the hang of things, everything gets easier. He's everything to me and I know what it looks like or sounds like but this is the realest thing I've ever felt, went through and believed in. Though too real to be true, somehow so true it's unreal. That's when it starts to scare me, sending shivers to my spine thinking of it if one day just like everything else this too shall pass. We'd be gone. And he would no longer be there. He's the only thing I have left, the only one I dedicate almost all of my time to. He's that life I lost, that sparkle in my eyes. He is too much to say or describe, he isn't just everything I want. He's all that I need.

-riri-

"gain some self control".

I'm not in that state, where I wish my life was taken away.
Not even in that state where I'm just numb to it all.
I'm not in those days where I would care if I choose to,
or those days where I block it all out and not care at all.

Maybe this is a completely new thing going on, a mix of everything but rather placid the way it once was but with more emotions and gratitude. I used to say I just always get lucky, thinking I would have never been good enough to be blessed- but I am, all my life. It's amazing how life works and how the universe has its way of making things be. One thing that remained, which I thought it wouldn't by now would be the fact that solitude is still one of those options I'd rather pick over the kind of lifestyle and company I once had. I am still the same, one wrong move and I'd get back to the pit of that black hole I never thought would have existed. But I am content. At the moment, things have been going slowly for me despite time flying way too fast for me to keep pace. 

I am calmer however, my mind still goes out and about, finding truths I'd rather be oblivious to at times but bearable. I still get sudden breakdowns and still go through moments where I burst into tears by triggering things that to me, doesn't even make sense at all. But it does if you think through it all and although I would say that there is no reason to it, I find myself later on thinking of what may be the reason or that if maybe I have been in denial to all the reasons for it. I rarely get the sudden need and urge to hide from the world by literally pushing everyone out for a period of time. I try to not lose anything anymore, especially the ones fundamental to my life right now. I try not to think about it, which I'm the best at but the start of this year has proved to me that a side of me wants to go back to the old me. Causing so much emotional disturbance to me from then on till now.

Truthfully I am still so afraid. I am terrified.

We all know, things could be worst but it isn't.

Not when I'm back in the arms of the person I love most.

Not when it's with him.

riri

because i would.

I would go so far, so far and as far as I could, 

beyond my way, just to be with you. You and only you.

-riri-

starting old.

I guess I should be used to it by now,
with how things around here work but no,
I'm always hoping for it to get better,
waiting for the day things would change.

When I know it would never.

People, not generally speaking really, I mean the closest or at least important to you or you should be significant to. The one you live with or have gone through life with, so and so. "Family zone", they'll care, really care from the core of their hearts and pay attention, when you are either dying or too much of a burden to handle. That's how things are when you never bother to learn or understand the person next to you. Knowing them for long doesn't prove that you do.

Like that one point where I totally have stopped living, when the only thing I was left doing would be breathing. They worried then. Not much of because they want to or just naturally did honestly, even if that's exactly what they have made themselves believe, but rather because it would have affected the things soon to come. Like my future. Or for me, from what I learned, what everyone else thought of it. I never cared much or at least learn to not bother of what would and should never bother to me but to adults it's not the same thing. Everything seem to matter, except for me, for what was real and to me important. Family, understanding and love, that kind of passion and trust. It never occurs to things or people these days. It breaks my heart and aches my bones to think about it.

They think what I have is just another phase, like everything else that affected me so deeply. I don't wake up every day and have the power to decide that today would be different and just like that, like magic, everything would be, so easily. I have to wake up every day if I even sleep- lately I've been having trouble with that again- and plan what I would do the next day or wish I could and try with all the will I have in me to make it happen, only, if I don't have a melt/break down the next day. Everyday is a decision I have to make and a struggle to get through in real life, not the kind of simple life I've long created in my own mind to distract myself from reality.

To them I've now recovered, at least better than I ever was a couple of months before. Lacking knowledge for how it's just the beginning of a new problem. I've caught up a new disease and I can't even point a finger on it not knowing if it's even true or made up in my delusional destructive mind. No one is going to know until it's too late the way it always will be.

The worst part is, in the process of finding out, realising and noticing, is when all strange habits or so-called mood swings and selfish attitude along with the sudden act ups, everyone is ignorant and oblivious to so much that it will soon break me for every time a finger gets pointed at me. I can't handle that, as much as I can't handle explaining what people should already know and get by now.

-riri-

.

how do you tell the people you love that they are the greatest thing that has ever happened to you and you live for them and is grateful for all the joy that they bring into your life but, that you are secretly planning to kill yourself, without breaking their hearts?

-riri-

nighty night.

Then comes the time where you are fast asleep
while I am on the other side of this state, wide awake
there is no one else on mind
nor are there thoughts of things mostly unrelated to you
I wonder how it feels like to lay next to you
close enough to feel your skin brush against mine
and have you sleep soundly so close to me
to know that you are there
to feel your presence
and breathe in your air
I would stare at your features
and play with your hair
Thanking god for every second we have
and to all the memories we had

or maybe not at all.

My mind would be stuck with the thought of you
here in arms reach, in what seems to be such a vulnerable honest state
and know, just know that you are exactly all I've ever wanted

and I couldn't ask for more.

-riri-

do i wanna go?

People are so afraid of being left,
but for me, there comes a point,
when you have lived and loved,
although it might not be enough,
you fear leaving instead,
hoping for no regrets.

I always feel like it won't be long for me but then again, I'm always here and it bugs me how I am, it sometimes freaks me out more to wish I was gone more often than it is to see me live. What I dread most isn't really any of both, but how one day, I might myself, just finally find the strength to do such a cowardly thing and go. What if, today is the day?

-riri-

"family zone".

It's how 98% of people take advantage of their family, be it parents, a good sister/brother, grandparents, wife/husband or all of the above. Either people realise it but forgets all about it the next second, or they never do. Thinking or having it set in mind that they would always be around. They won't. But because of that mindset, they somehow, most often becomes less significant to you whether you would want to admit it or you don't. Most likely because you're either chasing or keeping someone else's attention and the need for them to stay. Unlike family, who usually have been there since forever. The kind of attachment you can't really cut off even if you have tried to.

I used to be taken aback whenever I get left behind, forgotten about or ignored when it comes to family. Especially when I know to these very few people, I would put them above everything and not only because I have to, but because I want to and I feel like it's what I would want to be done onto me if I were to be in their place. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how important to me a plan is, if it were to them, I'd give it all away. But so rarely have I ever been as important to people as I try so hard to make them that fundamental to me in my life.

Mistakes I know I've made and learned from, same goes to the times I've unintentionally went against my principles but the moment I notice it I would get back on track. I know how it's like to feel a certain way or be treated the same way so god forbids anyone else to go through the same. Too bad not all lessons are learned or comprehended the same way and not everyone goes through the same or would understand.

Sometimes it saddens me, it disheartens me and all I want to do is give up and throw them aside. Treat them exactly the way they treat me, give them a taste of their own medicine. But I'd rather be treated the way I would never treat others than have it the other way around. I would never have the heart to anyway, not to family, or even the people that are family to me. We can never really change anyone without their own consent. Why would we change ourselves to go just as low to their level?

Though I can't deny, there are days much often lately, where I wish it was them instead of me so maybe they'd know, and for once, realise the things they've took for granted.

-riri-

4.49 a.m, don't let me go.

You don't know how badly

I wish I could come around

and hug you as tight as I can

before I go;

I want to squeeze you until you hear my bones crack

until you feel the beating of my heart

 through my sternum bones that's been pocking out of my chest

as you have your hands around what you thought would be my waist

but all you feel are railways like the ones for trains;

trust me how in silence I would bawl to realise I might never know

when would be the last time I'd get to see you

or if it's the last time you'll ever see me.

-riri-

bad things come free to us.

Do you know why I push people away?
Used to think it was to save them,
Once from me and who I was,
to only soon learn,
It was from who I could be,
When my family goes crazy.

It's never pretty.
Trust me.

-riri-

silent kills.

I was raised to believe
I never made sense, I lied
I was unbelievable, rather sick
Indirectly, very subtly,
I've been used, I am brainwashed

To believe all this has been my fault
To be grateful and kept quiet
Whatever that was done unto me
Or was said, should be kept
And left unsaid
Not to be shared
No
Not to be shared

After all I was a liar
After all no one would listen
After all this is just another phase
This happens all the time
This happens to everyone
This isn't a crime

This is just another story
Of the boy who cried wolf,
no?

I have asked for help. All my life I needed help, I wanted help, I plead for help but I've been silent by fear, believing what's never real. Drowning, suffocating, even tried dying. No one ever bothered, or noticed, and when I did reach out, no one believed me the way I expected they would.

Sod off.

-riri-

twentyfourteen: seventeen.

Flashback sikit jap nak kasi nangis.

There were times, remember, when we said we'd never change and we did. We said we'd stay but left. We said we'd have each others back but were nowhere to be found when the time came. We said we'd call or text if anything was wrong but we stayed silent. We said we'd share stories the way we always do but as days passed by we barely did. We said we'd stay tight but drifted away. We said no problem would be too big or too small to talk about but kept it to ourselves. We said no one was more important but there were always times when we pick someone else over each other. Maybe it was you and that some was me. How we came from what we are and wanted to be to who we promised never to have become. But we're just going to that phase of growing up where we find ourselves rather lost and confuse.

Tapi yknow, in the end no matter what we always find a way to each other. You'll always be in my thoughts. Although I barely ever go to you first to say hello or ask how you are, I always think about it. I know I can't do much to help lately, often, this year I would say the hardest for me to, but I try to. I try find ways to and I can't always do. I've lost that mind I used to have, the kind that worked so well into making things or saying what would make you feel better, smile or laugh the way you do with people other than me I have noticed. I know how it feels like to be you and I know that it isn't like that at all, that you're only able to be the way you are with them because you can never really be who you are 100% to let them know about those moments of sudden sadness and madness. If that is all I am even to you, I am glad I am a part of what seem so fundamental to your life and health.

Remember the things we planned and how we put so much effort into making it work? How now, we don't anymore. And even if I want to, I can't tell if it's just much of a deal to you as it is to me. Not to forget the things we planned for the future and how from the looks of it, things are going it's own way. Sometimes things happen and whatever we plan or hope for doesn't but I will always be here and whether or not times are hard for me, no time is wasted if it means it is to keep you happy. I haven't been very good but I need you to know your absence or presence is none of the reason. I wish you wouldn't go so hard of yourself. It never mattered what you achieved or haven't and didn't, I see only the good that's left in you. Or at least that's what I bother to focus on. I hope one day you do too.

How you see yourself is what you want to make and believe. I don't blame you, I'm not much different but know to so many, you are perfect the way you are and they wish they could be you. You'd think that's only because they don't know you, well I do, and still I think you are beautiful. We don't need everyone to accept our ways anyway. I can't let myself see you throw your life away, I can't bear the thought of you or anyone going down the road I am going. I need you to go on, for you, because god knows you can I believe there is more in life for you than what you think there is left. I do. It doesn't matter, I repeat it doesn't fucking matter whatever anyone else says about you if it's something negative, the kind that doesn't do good to you, even if it's from yourself, because you are beyond that.

I want you take care of yourself. I don't just mean eat healthily and sleep 8 hours a day, I mean be careful with people and who you let in, be careful with your own thoughts and your surroundings. I mean, don't destroy yourself for the sake of everyone else. I will always be here for as long as I can and I love you. Seventeen and you're the only Farah Najwa Ahmad I know and have adored. Happy Birthday Bbmew. Live life while you can, be happy for what you have and think of why you should  appreciate what you don't. Sometimes the things we cannot have are the things that would wreck us if we did and what we have or need to go through are what makes us who we are, whether bad or good that is for you to decide.

We make laughter to stop tears

We don't know where to go from here

We come tired from chasing dreams

With you I swear that nothing's change.

-riri-

to what & how it all started.

And they asked me,

"Where did we go wrong?"

Often I find myself in need to answer things truthfully but rethink my answers if that maybe, it was selfish, childish or didn't make much sense at all in the end. Then again, maybe I am being me by turning it around to the point where the light would be shine on me of how it wasn't anyone else's fault but my own. Since, of course, we are responsible for the state we are in as to what we feel or do is most probably even if sometimes not, are the way it is by our consent. Although deep inside I knew it wasn't only me even if to me 99% of it was. It started of with my parents, still on going, but I've come to terms with how this has been a game of two and if I wasn't playing along then might I have not become what I am today. What happened or is still occurring and how it has or had affected me is to be put behind for now. 

Second would also be where I was brought up and how or with whom I spend most of my times with. For me I would say it'd be school. I didn't or never really, I supposed after moving 265 km away, hang around much with people my age how normally I know, kids my age would. I never mind much about it until some time later on but I'd rather not explain. If I look back at it, it seems strange how I have been bullied physically, mentally, verbally and one kind I would rather not mention. I wouldn't be proud of getting through any of those phases and "making it" as I assume it's normal to most people as well and how they go through the same so just like everyone else, I'm nothing special and would not really have I dreamed of being more anyhow nowadays. 

People are all the same in this matter. Although I have believe there are good in this world, so never mind me as everything is either in general or contradictory when it comes to the way I think. I never liked the way I was treated by people ever since, but it never bothered me or at least I never took port into letting it. People are insignificant speckles of dust you never would have noticed unless you wanted to anyway.

After awhile I grew and it sort of just snowballed into something new, heavy, and burdening. Still I never let it took control. I learned about people more or what I would prefer to call human actions and existence, I let them in, kick them out, whatever that made sense for when it happened. Again, people- I let them multiply enough into the size of a dust bunny and that was when I should've known I was to get fucked over. It was no deal the first or the second time, soon the third and so on yet still it was bearable but at one point when you are the kind of person I am, giving out every bit of you to everyone and every ounce of trust and innocence you kept in as a kid, to people who were in it to fuck it, you rot from the inside and die at one point on the out. It's always the people you trust- that's the third thing you should look out for, because it's one of the only few things you have control over.

But as to who I am, nothing came out when asked and I swallowed everything like there wasn't ever a lump in my throat stuck there from years before, as if that was so easy it meant exactly nothing at all to me and I continued life as I always did. How I fell into this pit of depression and the countless relapse or recovery didn't matter to them if they were always going to be the reason, I couldn't change if I wasn't able to leave when where I am and what I have to go through everyday is what makes me, but I needed to survive and here I am.

-riri-

that nostalgic shit.

You know, the one where you feel like you go back in time 

or at least, your conscience do.

It was at that time, when things went downhill and I went back to this one Starbucks I used to wait at with Farah or Sya, talking to Far basically for hours waiting for my mum and it was utterly different this time. It was hollow, cold, empty and rather dull; it wasn't the place itself, but my state of mind. It had me feeling dejected. It brought me back to days in Manjung and how I resented going back. I didn't want it to be that way, it needed to change. It needed to go back to the way it was because for once after so long, I needed and wanted things exactly the way they were. Astonishingly I wanted to go back in time and stay there, I didn't want to move on or forward. I was so desperately in need of what I lost on the way here. The kind of nostalgic feel I didn't need, made me realised things were to be fix and that I needed to get him back.

I wasn't going to go back to 2013, through Starbucks with its atmosphere and what I felt inside then minus how I no longer own the people I once did now, I didn't want to do that. Not without him.

-riri-

king's.

I woke up today,
too late,
with the curtains close,
and the lights open.

I didn't notice at first until I walked past my study table to get to the bathroom when I saw a purple plastic bag on it. I know what it was, food; pastries. Pizza bread, cheese bread, baby croissants as I would call it, things I can't or find it hard to stuff into my mouth these days and it made me almost teary to be remembered and cared for this way although only in this way most times. When all I'm going to do is disappoint them. Everything I'm doing is causing myself to wither away and I'm starting to fall back behind and it gets me bonkers to think about, so I don't, which only makes it worst for everyone else and I feel like I can't go on.

my sweetheart.

No one would ever thought or could see, why he means so much to me. What I have done or would do isn't as momentous to me as how much I live for him for the times he went through with me, for every moment he sacrificed or take time to comfort me and the things he has said and meant and made me believe and it seem like I've said this too many times or has said the same about those previously essential to my life but every time is different and he is the best by far and god knows how I want him to be the only one there is. When you know, you know. There are moments way too often where I tell myself how much of a sweetheart he is made and created so flawlessly for such a crooked person like me and I couldn't be more thankful or grateful. I want this, more than anything.

-riri-

night Far thoughts.

Sometimes I have all these things crossing my mind when it comes to him. The good, the great, the best. The fears, the doubts, the past. It didn't matter as much as he did, he does. Each sleepless night I get the privilege to wonder about him, sink into my imagination and thoughts of how beautiful things are with him around. I fail to put it perfectly into words for every time I try, he is the kind of flawless you can't explain. Despite the physical flaws or mistakes human makes, through my eyes I am captivated. Wishing it was me next to him all wrapped around him instead of the blanket that keeps him warm for comfort. To get hold of his face whenever I please and stare into such perfection. He's intensely beautiful it gets me bonkers. It's just amazing, how just by writing it down, describing him brings me such joy and excitement. It gets me all twirly and giggly and butterflies and unicorn, rainbows!

It hits me then, at random moments most of the time, almost always, that I am once again starting to feel. More human around him then I am with anyone else at all these days. He is mostly, everything to me and all that I am or have left of what I used to be and god, for the I don't even know how many times- I am so lucky to have encountered him in life and have him hang around once more. I could literally say without a second thought or exaggeration that life without him is no life at all, to go through that once and learn the level of misery and disconsolation state I have never thought I would subconsciously put myself into. To get a grasp on what we had one more time and be given a chance to make it right, left me with more than I deserve.

I am the happiest, to be with him and I cannot pressure enough the fact that I am deeply in love with Far it almost seems hallucinatory but I am perfectly conscious of this. I have never been so sure in my life.

-riri-

odd one out.

Out of all of us that went through,
I was the only one who didn't get through.

I somehow feel, or felt at one point that everyone knew or expected me to be where I am now. Then again maybe that's just me believing how people perceive me the way I imagine they do when in fact maybe that was never the case. I think through every time at times it makes me feel as if I'm delusional or yet subconsciously how everything I think yet not bother about when it comes to people's thoughts of me are really just thoughts of myself from my perspective I've kept hidden under all the confidence, oblivion and ignorance I choose to stand by for.

I'm here with sudden things knocking on the door of my mind dragging me out to look beyond myself, to drop by everyone else's life and how much everything has changed. Difference is, it was never about everything or anything but me. It isn't about how fine people are without me around or how successful they have become after cutting me off and how right my subconscious and their parents' words were. It's how I'm stuck in this very path trying to casually and normally according to schedule move on to the next but I'm unable to or I don't or I can't and the thought of realising which one I am just blacks me out. Then I wake up, and realised I'm the only one left.

They're all gone and fine and I'm here trying to try.

-riri-

to be so close to the edge.

September 2nd.

Somehow I like the feeling of how tipsy I get after swallowing a bit more pills than I should. Like the clouds is in hands reach and my toes can't touch the ground but it's not like that, it's not like that at all. Maybe you learn to get used to the sickness or you adapt to how hard things could get for you and realise it gets easier but when it does, it's no fun, no fun at all no more.

So you pop out another, a couple or few and as you lay on bed with your hands on your chest, you can feel your heart beating a bit faster than it usually does. Running, racing, as if rushing towards another body, and it might scare you that it would slow down, slow down too much, too much until no more, and you can't count or notice how slow it has been beating.

No more sound
No more pumps
And it's not funny anymore
It's not fun to know
That your heart has stopped
Your heart has stopped
It's not fun to know
or not to know
That you are dead
To never have feel life before.

-riri-

the end never ends.

September 2nd.

It's not committing suicide that hurts, it's the pain of realising how you let people get the best out of you just to put you in your worst, and that it was you that let it happen, to the point where your mind or anyone makes it so easy to believe that taking your own life away would make it all better, that although it would have never solved anything, that no matter how selfish, it was for the best. Or maybe rather nothing but a vindictive act.

I don't think that is at all as bad as it could get, but the thought of how when you do, nothing would change. Does it kill you to know that your existence was that insignificant and irrelevant to those around you?

-riri-

on top of the world, below yourself.

September 2nd.

When the feeling wears off, I become aware of my surroundings, I am reminded by my condition, my state of mind, my mistakes, and how I am unable to function the way I once did. It petrifies me to the bones, to wait for such awareness, to be so awake while my body shuts down. I tell myself I need more, I need more, just another or two when I know it hurts to. One debate after another but we let the demons win at one point or the other don't we now? There is an ironic pleasure in pain that I could never put a finger on. It might be of some sort of an ego thing, of how your mind lets you believe getting through one hardship as you ignore another, makes you feel superior, knowing what could hurt or break you can't, as you slowly do inside, as you let yourself die.

-riri-

they say the incapable are most capable.

I used to always wish to be blind. I find that it would help, not only me but everyone around me. What I don't see, I won't hear. What I don't hear, I won't learn. What I don't learn, I might never do. And what I have never done, I would not get blame for. It's safe. Sometimes deaf, so I wouldn't need to hear the shouts, the name callings, or to be reminded of how foolish and stupid I am, as if I don't already know myself. As if I never tried.

would I be special then

would I still be special

or ever would I be

nothing but another inconvenience.

-riri-

i know now.

I never knew that there would be a day where no words are to be said, but to get the chance to hold your hand once again.

I never knew there would be a day where I didn't need to stay hidden, from feelings I can't deny, to be able to feel your embrace and the beating of our hearts as one.

I never knew there would be a day where we may walk side by side without a care in the world of whatever that occurs as our eyes are set and glued to each other.

I never knew that good things ever come around twice the day I lost you, to think there would be a day that you would turn to change your mind another time.

I never knew, there would be a day where we would be us one more time, us against the world for one more try, like we promised,

Till today.

-riri-

for the both of us.

At night - you wouldn't have thought I would but I do this all the time. I look back, no never that far to the length of unwanted memory streams but maybe just by a day or two or just now before he goes to bed, and I thank my lucky stars when I do. Luck, "no I'm not lucky I'm blessed yes", often I prefer using luck as an excuse as to not feeling worthy enough to be blessed, yet still, grateful.

I'd never know for how long, I could never say but he's here now and still awestruck to such drastic changes, it seems almost miraculous. As surreal as it is or seems, nothing should ever surprise me anymore. Patience pays they say, and it did. It never bothered me of where it lead me to for I have put myself in such a state on my own but I've never let myself get so arrogant to believe to be such an insignificant piece of someone or their life to be seen as a lost if they lost me, even if I have mentioned it before, I knew things would be better off for them as it should and always would or could get better for me.

We're here now, to where we left the shattered pieces to be blown away by the coldness of the wind with hopes and sullen bitterness of memories soon to be forgotten that we left it with. We never did. It never crossed my mind to. Who would have known - no, but to have believe for it to actually happen- for us to go back to where we left things hanging, picking up each piece in sight and glue it all back together to become as one. Things would never be the same as it never does for things like these they would say but we were never them and he was never any other guy to me. He seemed right, and even with doubt as to confusion, so did us; we're right with all the wrongs and for all that isn't.

Like an early Christmas gift, I would think god gave me another go to make things right and learn fron whatever mistake it was to have made it all slipped through the space of my fingers. Or rather it was a second chance for him to grab what to him might be the very few happiness he could ever have felt or own throughout his teenage years. But who and what is there to point fingers at? This has always been for the both of us, never just one or another. But us.

He's sleeping soundly by now, another day to go through, the same old routine for tomorrow. Mine isn't the same anymore. Mine isn't like before. Isn't it wonderful how delightful it is to be a part of something, to make the ones you love happy by just existing? No one needed to be told, to know - if they ever saw me with him or how I would want to look at him, the thoughts I have of him, for every time I read him, that I loved and now love him more, more than I could explain, or than he would know or I could show, and more, ever so much more than I did before.

Nobody needed to state, the obvious.

-riri-

more.

I love him more
It's silly I know
Days where I ponder how he gets so insecure
When the top of his head down to his toes
There never seem to be a flaw
As from his heart and his soul
Is nothing more but beautiful.

"I am worthless, and useless
I wish to be heartless,fearless"

Little did he know he is so much more
He is wonderful
And truthful
He is breathtaking
Amazing
He is everything he never saw
He is all that he denies
He is all he needs to be
The things he would noticed,
Only if he was to be me.

And I love him more
As I did before
As to now
Till this day
But forever.

-riri-

your vibe.

At that moment I knew

That no drugs could make me feel

The way I do.

When I'm with you.

-riri-

that ''just a phone call''.

August.

He said he'd call and it relieved me that he would, the thought that one day he would by choice. So I waited, tomorrow, the next, a week after, and the hope of how maybe he would kept me on going. It seemed exciting, the idea of it. Like a story from a book or movie and how true it was or that I thought. Just like the movies, I waited, and as for reality, he didn't.

Still I waited just in case,

although maybe he wouldn't have,

or in my case as I would say,

the guts to.

I waited. But it never came.
And the phone never rang.

-riri-

Then where?

I am not here
There
Or anywhere

They think they see me
As much as they hear me
They believe they know
And so do I

But I am not there
I am not here
I am everywhere

I am above the air
I am 6 feet below
but I am not there
Or am I ever here
I am everywhere
And anywhere
But
Here.

-riri-

my girlfriend says.

She tells me to start when I'm ready
She says soon it'll get better
That I'll get better
She says things would go back to normal
She says my fear of food would scatter off
The bullshit will come to an end
To have faith in Him

And she knows,
She knows because things change
And I've been better before
So I could get better today
Or maybe tomorrow
Or someday but I would
And she knows,
Because I once did.

-riri-

ditto.

I thought I could have never looked at anyone the same way again and to believe anyone was capable of being any different was inconceivable. Until the day I met him, let him in, to then realise that he changed everything. He was the only thing different. All that I needed.

-riri-

honesty's betrayal.

"Honesty is the best policy", they said.

It's amusing, how most of the people whom I am made to believe is truthful, trustworthy and true, sometimes are the biggest hypocrites. Not that it bothers me, not an inch. However, to call me a liar, to accuse me of things I have no slightest intentions of doing is offensive and insulting. How could anyone discredit a person for the lies they are force to create while hiding the ones they never admit, it's preposterous. But expected. Things like these never seemed to daze me after awhile. Living in such manipulation to learn to become just as manipulative, makes me have doubts on myself just as much. It seems a bit absurd yet believably normal.

People don't get how I can often, almost always every time spot a liar when they're lying. It's astonishing how people think I don't know or notice just because I have no reaction to almost every time they do. Pathetic. It's a bit irritating after awhile. How could I have been more honest? What sick plan could I even have in mind that they would have the heart to say or imagine I do, when I spent most of my time at home living in a box. I live in their box, the box they choose to keep me in yet still, somehow miraculously I am the nuisance. As if I rain on everybody's parade. Sabotaging my own.

-riri-

maybe a test or an SOS.

As cold as I could become and how heartless I tend to be or act after so much of what my past has created of me, deep inside we all know, or maybe I alone notice, that I am capable of caring for more than I should ever let myself. Sentimental and sensitive if needed to be. Or used to be. So care less to show or maybe instead scared to death to admit, not wanting to get hurt. It was never about the ego. Rather just another show put on for self entertainment. For all we know I'm just another cold hearted 5 1" chic that feels too much enough to not know which to show to the point where nothing ever is.

If you look throughly enough, to your surprise, maybe it isn't all that simple. I could end to be the one who cares so much of what she never does about. Maybe insensitive with a mixture of blunt or currently dead and static, trying to figure out ways to be human once again. Connecting to feelings and relationships with another being. Searching for what was never present or the things she lost or has forgotten. I could be both. One or another. Yet maybe, none of the above.

-riri-

throw out the vile.

People talk of sending me away a lot these days. Away. Away. Away from here. They sound as if to help, they ask for explanations I can't give, they want to understand but although it seems as if they want to save me, to help me, what seems more obvious is the burden I've become to them and the need for them to send me away. Away. Away. Far away. Sounding either forceful, agitated, aggravated, in annoyance but never have I heard it been said in remorse. No guilt as if it is a pleasure. Because it's simple, easy peasy. It's learning your abc's. As if it doesn't break my heart each time I hear it, as if I don't own my own body or any sense of freedom, nothing is there for me to say.

They tell me it's for ''''my own good''''.

Another lie. One after another.

-riri-

what doesn't kill, could've.

He is my cigarette. He's the cigarette itself not just one, but the whole population of it; the whole thing, each one there was or will exist. He wasn't just another "cigarette break" he wasn't going to get used, thrown and stepped on. He was going to keep coming. Day after day, time over time, inhaling him to the point where he sticks to me and becomes apart of me. Just like a box of cigarettes, at that time, I thought I needed him, but then again maybe I didn't, maybe he was what I would prefer to call an obligation. Or maybe it was just an excuse to keep him around, to have him constantly when in reality it was just me, wanting him so badly. It seemed like he was that what I was crying out for. Essential. Like when you're on the verge of breaking down at 3 in the morning, and you're desperate for it. You're desperate for him.

It didn't matter what he could've done

or how it would've affected you

what matters was each inhalation

that never seemed to have an end to.

As if you could've kept him forever. As if he agrees on staying.

-riri-

despondent thought of belief.

I no longer care of what is said,
or fear of what would be,
I am beyond petrified
of what's up in my head.

People don't always notice the things you've done or put up with, until you stop doing it their way. That's when you see who's true and realise the one's that has been using you. I've been getting a lot of accusation of how what I've been doing is vindictive, punishing everyone for all that they have not given me or as to how they would put it "to give everything yet still is not enough" to me. It's wonderful really. Fantastic, exquisite! How amazing it is to be known so very well by the people you spend almost 90% of your time with. Pathetic. Often petty gestures or incidents like this that reminds me of how ignorant people could be. All that I am, all that I have been, and incomprehensibly that is the verdict of who I end to be. How do you feel to that? How is it possible to react to such statement, from the people who should have known you best. Although it would have never surprised me, knowing how much I've hold back and all that is left suppressed deep inside, that they never would have figured out what they thought they knew like the back of their hand. At some point it just felt almost like a relief, as if all that they tried to proved right left them standing corrected the way I knew it would from the start. Still, it left an aftertaste of bitterness, to put down the way I was. I don't quite bother,besides what could ever be said that I've never heard before that could possibly do any damage or at least more than I have ever felt before.

-riri-

crossing what's left behind.

You were the only to have called me a genius constant enough to have make me believe I was and work up to it but the day you went away, I only heard of how stupid I was or how hard it was to handle me and soon I believed that too, from hopes of becoming a genius I became a dimwit instead. I couldn't bear the thought of how disappointed you would be to see me in such a state and if you've ever even imagined your little talkative bubbly sweetheart would grow up to become what I have made out of her. Maybe that's why you went, so I'd figure out myself. There have been so many days where I didn't ever had a moment where I thought of you, it's never easy to. Somedays when I do, I always end up mirroring myself to what I used to be when you were alive, the pain of how I would see me in your eyes would be inexplicably agonising. At the moment I was writing this, left in my drafts for so long, I realise I was stuck in a never ending maze. As if a piece of puzzle is missing and I'm left baffled.

I had so much to write about back then and going back here, it reminded me of you and how you kept my drawings and writings, my "achievements". I needed to get back on track. I needed to go back to who I was again. I did. And then I stopped. And I did again. Stopped half way just to do it all over again, the cycle never seem to have an end. It never used to be this discouraging. 6 years down the road without you and I'm already on the wrong path out.

-riri-

to his next girl,

lucky you.

I could tell you a lot by how he feels to how he would show it, to how he would try to hide it and how he feels towards things or what is done to him, to his likes and dislikes and all that he thinks I never noticed or remembers and discovers, but that is for me to know and for you to find out. Besides, there's no good in cheating when it comes to life, or ever anything else. And what I know now, who knows by the time you read this would be what I knew, he could have changed over the past days, weeks, months, or years we would no longer talk to each other or ever encounter again. He would be with you and if he's lucky enough you would know him better, because now you're the one by his side, you're the one he chooses to dedicate his heart to and share more about himself with.

If by the end of this you ask yourself why I ever left after all the things we went through, know that I never did, fate did. Although I wish it didn't. If by the time you finish reading the last sentence you ask yourself, or tell yourself that if someone really wants to be with you, fate couldn't stop it as the effort to be put in was up to us, then know that I tried, and I tried, and after all the times I've been treated like I meant nothing more or been ignored, that I still tried but what the mind think of isn't always what the heart wants. No matter what I say or do to have him back, couldn't have made him change his mind about me. His heart no longer belongs to me, as his hand would soon become someone else's to hold.

If you're planning to leave, if this is just some sort of fling to you or a ticket for you to move on from the guy you dated or had a relationship with before him, one advice from the bottom of my heart, fuck off. You don't fuck around with people for your own advantages. And if you're going to treat him like shit as you expect him to be at your beck and call, forget about it. He's worth more than just that, after all the times he has had his heart broken or faced rejection or get played with and left, have a heart. Don't expect too much from him, he's not some character from a movie, or a fictional "dream guy" from the books you read or those made up moments you find on the internet or networks like tumblr. But he could be that guy, and I promise you if he is yours, all the things he says and do to/for you, is genuinely done sincerely and only for you. You don't have to worry about that part.

He cries, he hurts, but he would never tell you about it. He might never mention it or even show the slightest sign of it but you could tell. If you know him, you could. After all he's your man. You would think he has no emotions for anything, strong guy, fearless, this cool guy who's out going and friendly, you won't miss him in a crowd, you could always spot that face of his, if you want to that is, if he's what you're looking for. Look a bit closer, he's not all that. He is but not just that.

What seems tough on the outside is a slug on the inside. You can throw salt water and watch him go down and break. Sensitive, sentimental, a hopeless romantic with a side that is interested in being bad and rebellious but at the same time has the heart of gold that won't let him. Easily influenced, stands a bit shaky but he would stand up for you, if he knows you, he'd believe you. He'd be there when he can. Never doubt any compliments, he only says it because he means it. His "I love you"s are as true as the look in his eyes when he stares at you. Believe me. Although it never lasts on me, I hope you know that it could on you.

You're going to ask how his day was, because you care. You're going to ask if his friends are alright with him, if things are good between them, because you want to know that he's okay. You're going to ask how his family is doing, because that's everything to him. His mum especially, the one who raised him, she is the heart that keeps his blood pumping, and the oxygen he breathes; she is his life. You're going to ask once in awhile if it's so hard for you to, if he's doing good, if anything's wrong, because he would never tell, you would just know, you have to. You're going to wish him good luck, ask him about his competitions, games, classes, or exams because you want him to keep doing what he loves and be there for him to tell him he can do it and how proud you are of him even if it's just for trying, he needs that kind of support. You're going to treat him right, because he's the only guy you have in your mind and heart, because that's how I would treat him. I hope you treat him better than I ever did, because in the end he chose you.

I have a feeling that you're not even close to who or what I am. You could be by far so much more of a better person. Truthfully, as shallow as this might sound at first I hope you aren't depress or suicidal because I was, I still am and just by that it made me believe I ruined the only thing that gave me a bit of hope, the only thing I bother to take care of. You must have been an angel sent from above or some other cheesy line people would blurt out. Maybe you walk or talk or look the right way, to have gotten his attention. You must have talked confidently or more frequently than I had or could, so share him your stories, take time to talk to him because he likes that. Know that he gets jealous easily, still he would never show, but you could've tell by the way he is. If you could go to his games or practice or anything at all that he's involved with, go. I bet you can go out more frequently than I do. That's one of the things I wish I could've done but never really had the chance to. Don't waste chances to meet/see or talk to him with excuses.

There would be days where he feels unloved and unwanted, random times or the littlest things that could bring him down, there you should remind him what he means to you, how much he is worth and how you love him, he needs that, as he needs you. You'd think he doesn't sulk but he does. If you ever get into a fight/argument with him, no matter how it hurts, remind him, constantly even if he doesn't reply for the next 2 days, that you love him but please only if you mean it, and whenever you miss him, tell it to him straight away no matter what time or in what condition. You don't put things like that on hold. It isn't worth to lose someone you love over what would be so insignificant in the future.

If it wasn't for the feelings he no longer has for me, trust me he would be mine again by now or still be mine, and you wouldn't have existed in his life. That isn't how things are, so why worry, he doesn't love me anymore and he never would again, so love him with all you've got. I bet you're a beautiful person, inside out and he's just as lucky as you are. I hope he makes you happy, and as much as it hurts, I hope you are the reason behind the light and shine in his eyes and the smile he puts on most of the time, because he deserves to be that happy, genuinely happy. He has the cutest laugh and awkward smile, I figured you'd get to see it more often than I do. Maybe it would be hard to notice, but if you take a step back and let time stop for even a minute, I hope you look back and see all the efforts he has put in, the time he has spent and given, the ego he put a side, and all that he has shared with you and only you. I've always did.

You don't know how it's like to keep loving people with all your heart and when finally you think "this time it would last, this would be my last." you screw up just by being you. You lose everything you have worked so fucking hard for. You have to burn every bridge you've ever built and act like it never happened because you know it doesn't matter to anyone else but you anymore. You make a fool out of yourself to get back or keep the people you truly love just to be shoved a side. Everyone who left or you had to leave you'd see with some other girl in their arms and that even if it ends for them, you are still as insignificant to them as you are nothing more than just a fucking phase that they would soon get over and leave behind the back of their mind. I made myself believe we'd be forever, just to see him walk around with another. So love him more than I could ever, if that's possible. It breaks my heart to say, but by the time this happens, he has already loved you more.

I don't know what you would call him, but I hope you don't call him far or farfar because I used to call him that. Not because you can't, but I wouldn't want him to be reminded of the mistake he was once with, he has you now. Take care of him. I hope you really do because if I was given the chance to start where it ended I would do it all over again. I love him, so much, and more than he would ever believe, I told him this once, but still if you came across this and you're his, know that he loves you more.

lucky you.

-riri-

you snooze you lose.

I see things go and end. I hope for and try to get and keep the things I want but often I end up just a few seconds late and it's no longer there anymore. Even when given a second chance to grab it, I can never afford to. It doesn't break my heart as it happens too much and constantly, but the disheartening ache is felt, for every time it does.

-riri-

dwell or speak.

There's a lot I think about
And much that crosses my mind
Some I never mentioned or got the chance to say
And so much more that never came out.

Like how I feel about him and the things I think of us, how I make sense of it all and create my own storyline or what I have in mind of what would come. And it doesn't make much sense if you hear it from me but I know nothing ever does which makes it just as real. And if I could I'd tell you it all, for every second or minute or day it crosses my mind I would tell you straight away if I could but things are no longer the same, it never would remain I thought. Life keeps going and the constant changes causing everyone else to follow the flow and decide on things without having another thought just because you're living life, doesn't exactly make it all good and I know it shouldn't be but for certain things, I thought maybe there was a limit. You don't just dive in, you test the waters. All these disjoined thoughts leaving in nothing but a blur image for me, confuse or rather disenchanted to hopelessly afloat. I despise knowing how I had so much to say and still have more on going, but I never once had the chance to say it all due to the fear of needing the perfect timing or right situation because it doesn't exist and now,

you can't take back the words you never said.

-riri-

find me she screamed.

Where?

They ask, for one more time;
where have you hid your faith.
As I looked up and wonder,
I answered:

In the child that I was once in
The one I was always with
That innocence I no longer feel
One that I have killed.

-riri-

urlbadman.

I was okay
maybe a minute ago
or two hours before
not now though.

I'd rather not be reminded of it, I don't check, I don't search, but it comes by to spite me. Maybe fate is just a big mean bully picking on kids half its size, leaving them hoping for days where it would spare them a bit of kindness, but it never. This is speaking over emotions then again, which makes it a selfish statement. Looking back you'd notice the amount of times fate had brought you upon happiness, and here we are cursing over its "mistakes". It's human nature I suppose but we always have the choice to try defy what was meant to be with prayers and so, but how far do we believe the things we say when our hearts are closed? Not quite sure, my heart has left the building as my faith stands on the verge of a cliff. People are so much and more but as much as they are foul. I lost myself in all of this. I can't explain to those whom I know won't understand and I don't expect them to ask or fathom such distraught thoughts. I already know what would be ask upon me, all the words they would speak of I've heard over and over again yet it doesn't help, it never does. Until I let it- I don't always do.

-riri-

-

"Doesn't it bother you, everyone looking at you, smoking?"
Worrying about what other people think won't make you happy.

"Does this make you happy?"
We all need something to hold on to.

-riri-

left a lie.

and so from the top of my voice
without a gasp of breath
I screamed your name
so fuck you anyway I'd say
then I left.

I left after admitting my hatred for you
I left after I knew what wasn't and was true
I left and lied
I lied when I said
I no longer love you.

-riri-

10.

I love you more than I love myself.

And although it is wrong,

I hope one day you would end to love yourself,

The way I can never love me.

The way I will always love you.

I do.

-riri-

to the person I lost once again.

I left in hopes you would chase after me,

Though I knew you would have never.

Instead I took a step back to run after you,

Never have I planned to look for another.

Not a better jock no, never someone new,

When all I have ever wanted was to be with you.

-riri-

with you, I am that girl,

and I want to be that girl who-

Wherever he is whatever time it is, if he ever needed me I'd like to be there. If I could in person, god knows I would. Through the bad days and the good, for better or worst I would want to be there to experience it all. Even when misunderstandings or arguments occur, I would go back to him as soon as I could, to make up for things even if it wasn't my fault, or if it was ever anyone else's. I know him, and how he would react or become. Although not much is said, I feel it inside. As if we spoke telepathically when words are absent. And though I fail to at times, I know what he wants, how he wish he would be treated or what he hopes for me to do with expectations that I won't, but I would, I did.

I want to hear what happens to him or what he goes through from day to day on a daily basis just because I don't have the chance to go through it with him just yet. Adore him for his achievements and although it might mean so little to him of what I think to be compared to what anyone else finds of it, I would be so proud of him. Not for just the medals or the certificate or the pride or anything corresponding to so, but for doing what he loved, enough to have make him happy. When he does things for the sake of everyone else, or the people he loves, there are times when he thinks he failed, those times I'd like to be there to remind him that he had tried and I know he would tell me he could've done better or he hadn't gave it his all but I know how hard it is to even try because I have stopped trying a lot of things, so I would ask him to look at how I turned out to be, to say that he could be and already is better than most.

Some days, some nights, I know how scared or sad he gets though he would never have admit or barely ever mention the matter to me but he doesn't need to, those times are one of the moments I wish we live just a couple of blocks away or better yet, next door neighbours. It's moments like those I wish I could be there to hug him and comfort him. If either one of us got hurt or were the one who hurt, I straight up if I could ever, just meet up with him; I always feel the need to although often impossible, I would hold his face in the palms of my hands and reassure him that whatever happens I will always love him, never less, always more, for as long as he wants me to because I do and if he needs to be reminded of it every single day, I would. If treating him as if he were a prince would make him blush as much as he could feel flattered with joy, I wouldn't mind to. 

Every time I see that face of his, not knowing what's been going on around anymore god knows how I wish things are going smoothly for him although through his eyes I find another story. He would say that it's okay or that he's doing good, he would say it's fine and even if there were truth in some of the statements he gave out, I knew much were lies. That's what kills, not being able to be trusted but it doesn't change how things are, or how I see him through my eyes. I don't think people get how much I love this guy. Like how shitty am I, very, but I love this guy for some miraculous unknown reason. Get that I want to be the girl that he can't forget, the one he loves, the one he'd keep. I'd like to be the person he could trust to go to telling things even if at the moment we were giving each other the cold shoulder treatment, because I know I would be there if he ever wanted me to and I always want to. I want to be the one that he could cry in front of and wipe it all away for him. I just want to be with him.

I can't care less of what anyone else thinks. I know how stupid or silly or however people would put it, I've become over someone who once was nothing more but a stranger to me but I couldn't have been more honest. I know how cliche everything is but it could never not be when it comes to feelings.

There was a time when I look at at him and saw myself, where I knew what it was and how it felt. That day I thought to myself, I would do anything to make him happy. Because that would without doubt make me just as happy and more than anything I thought he deserved that. For him we know I would. I've seen him at his worst, and still find that he's the best.

-riri-

one day, if ever.

You would put me at the back of your mind,
you would lock thoughts of me up, or throw me out.

And I know he would never, but we know where we stand now. Our places switched, my state of mind when it comes to him goes back to the kind I once had lost long ago. Such a girl, weak, I'd once call it at one point. Maybe just like every other before him, when I start to fall hard, they fell out. Difference is, after awhile, one after another, with him I care enough to go back, to try make it right, to gain what we lost before all goes to waste, because this time I believe there is a chance. The way I once gave him a chance. I know somewhere, somehow hope is there, hope is him, and I'm hoping. Besides how could I have let myself gave someone the permission to make me believe in what I've loathe on to swear never to have speak of, and let just be a lesson. Not this time, this time it should stay, this time it would lasts.

He could ignore all the nice things I say from the bottom of my heart just to get no replies, he could forget the things I tell him, he could pretend the memories doesn't cross his mind as often as he would admit, he can act cold to me the way I once did with him, he could be the biggest ego maniac he wants (though if in previous times, I would have never bothered to get to know such a person intimately), he could apologise and repeat the same mistakes, he can hurt me and make me cry, he could act like he isn't killing me emotionally, yet still, I would not and have not love him any less than I did then as I do now. Exactly the way he once tried, the way he treated me once, I would now be in his shoes as he changes into who I was. For him I would.

He could meet someone new, be so in love with the lucky girl who would end up with another, that couldn't see what he was worth like the others, he could go on with life as normally as he would keeping himself busy, going out, having fun, living life, as opposite to how miserable I am with my condition, he could pretend, he could smile and laugh and still I would know, that if he ever came back knocking at my door, I would welcome him in with open arms. For him, I would. Despite everything that has happened in between. For Far I would, because I want to.

If I knew why, I would have told, but I no longer do. I just know that it feels right even when everyone else says the contrary. He isn't to be left behind. Out of all the things I've given up hopelessly on, he is not one of it; he is the one thing I wouldn't want to easily give up on out of everybody and of everything to anything and I can't explain why.

-riri-

not another care.

"Take care". And my heart broke.

Like the sounds of shattered glass falling, I heard it with ache. I knew, because I knew and we all know that it wasn't of me to care of myself that way. I love myself and care about my well being more than anything and anyone because I know no one would the way I could, but everyone knew, or at least I am the only who knows, that it's not in the form or way everyone else would normally do. I self destruct. I destroy myself more than I could ever have the heart to on others. We all know but the reasons to it, we don't. Maybe that is why I'm fond of getting attach to people who will get as attach or more to me. So I could give out all the care and love they lack for themselves, the kind I barely let myself receive. As if all that I am I'd rather give to someone else and that, that is how I love myself. The only way I could feel loved at most.

Telling me to take care is equivalent to giving me the greenlight to burn my school down with hopes that I won't. We all know that I would. Though I try to stay alive, even if I no longer live my life. It disheartens me leaving this feeling of dejection swerving around in the air back and forth in and out for that I know I would fail whoever that asks of such upon me. When really all I want is to be with them, feeling cared for. Pretending to need the need to be needed when for all we know could be just another excuse to mask up the real intentions of wanting to take care and cherish them instead, making them feel worthwhile as I make them feel able to do the same for me. But I was okay to begin with, couldn't get better, some days worst, but okay. Still, now, it breaks me even more to hear those words. Because I know...

-riri-