not another sadderday.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, with a mind set up with positivity.
Getting through, I'm going to be alright and everything's going to be fine.

She's going to see that guy she likes so much. She's going to be a bundle of joy.
Nobody likes a sad girl. And she doesn't want anyone to know enough.

I don't want to ruin anything.
I just want to see him.

-riri-

backwards.

Get your head back.

This isn't you.

Everyone loves you when you're happy. I might be melancholic but I'm grateful. I might be all over the place but I know home. However that's been absent and I've been going around. I think time's come. I was never meant for this even if solitude only takes me further away from everything else. I should be good. Perhaps that would cure it all. It should be better for everyone. I don't really have time.

-riri-

sent.

I'd think it through, a couple times or more.
But I remember how he said not to.

-riri-

i don't want to not believe.

2:28 a.m (14/12/16)

I've started to become more aware of myself again. This always comes with the start of being human. What to say, what to do, when to act, should I text him now, ask him out? I got myself drawing and writing again. Sometimes I notice myself looking forward for the things that hasn't happened, imagining all that I used to. This isn't real but I guess it's harmless to believe that this could be a start to something new. For the first time I feel like time is rooting for me too. However that's just me. I swear, it's him.

I know it shouldn't be.

-riri-

u.

"I don't want to hurt you"

is what people say when they don't like you enough,

or that they like someone else.

I understand.

-riri-

evaluated.

You're going to think it'll never haunt you, until you lie awake realising it was him again that you dreamt of the night before. You start cringing at the thought of anyone you get with that has traits of him. You're going to turn down every guy who tells you they want to get to know you because that's exactly how it started. You're going to want to give someone a chance but each time right before you do, you'll remember how yes, of course everyone's going to get tired of your deep thoughts and depression and you're going to end up giving all of you so don't bother.

1. -You act and talk almost exactly as the idea of how guys prefer you to, according to him. 
2. -Sitting pretty, being honest but not too honest.
3. -Smiling often even at nothing because who the fuck wants to handle you crying??
4. -Talk about yourself but not of who you really are because it's the idea of you that matters.
5. -Your problems are your problems, but care about him because he needs that even if there's an erupt volcano and tsunami going on in you.
6. -Get jealous but not too jealous because that's annoying duh.
7. -He likes clingy just not that clingy- more like love-me-when-I-can't-love-myself-otherwise-give-me-some-space.
8. -Give don't take.
9. -Don't get too personal because it's okay if he knows too much about you but not the other way around.
10. -Call him but not like that.
11. -Be gentle, loving, poise but also be able to chill and lek like a dude.
12. -Outgoing but "why are you so easy??".
13. -Be okay with talking about other girls like god look at the girl with a body better than yours right?
14. -"If anything I'll be here" but "why the fuck are you calling me at 4 in the morning?" you're supposed to breakdown in your own company.
15. -"You don't have to change" but "why are you so sad all the time??".
16. -"I'm here for you" but "god I'm tired I just want some sleep I'll talk to you tomorrow (but I won't)" and you're going to have to be okay with that because for the love of god be more understanding.
17. -Be joyful and lively because "I rimas lah asyik macamni" or "I tak suka lah bila you macamni" but "just be yourself", then again your therapist/psychologist/doctor says you're melancholy but it's alright I'll smile and laugh and be happy so it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
18. -"Best la you ni, happening, kelakar, chill, crack, bangang bangang juga." because that's how they like me and the only time they prefer my presence.
19. -No never talk about your emotions or what's wrong and if you're okay because "you okay?" means I-hope-that-you-are-because-it'd-be-troublesome-if-you-weren't-so-just-say-yes.
20. -Don't post or take photos because who do you think you are? Side chic, somebody he used to know or doesn't want anyone else to.
21. -What happens in this room stays in this room.
22. -Don't hold his hand or touch him unless he does because the public doesn't need to know about you.
23. -"He's just a friend" and "no we're not going out" because you're not going to make yourself believe that it's actually happening when most often than not it's all in your head.
24. -"I like you" but the only thing he knows is that you're cheerful, replies to his texts, answer his calls, wouldn't mind being there for him and confused with the reality of how he likes what you do for him but not for you.
25. -Pretend to be attached but don't get attached.
26. -It's okay for him to fuck around but you should have more pride at the same time keep an open mind.
27. -Welcome him with open arms and if he suddenly goes just toughen up and be alright because nobody likes an emotional fuck.
28. -Like him but don't love him.
29. -Don't ask where he's been, why he's late, who he's out with or if he likes you back. Just tell them to have fun, not to worry and take care because you're good on your own anyway.
30. -Neglect that whatever to you means a lot because it might not mean anything to him and talking about it will make things awkward for him plus who wants to hear about what you have to say again?
31. -Be intelligent, be fun but also be quiet, keep up with the conversation but never make it about you.
32. -Cry at home or when he's asleep, don't tell him how you feel just text him or give him those hand written letters you know he won't read or would get tired of because he hates reading so it wouldn't hurt so much if he doesn't respond because you know how tiring it is. I mean of course it is, you took the time and effort to write it down or typed it and bare with feeling it. 
33. -Fuck whatever's in your head, it doesn't matter and it shouldn't.
34. -Be aware of when you are at fault, acknowledge when it is you and not them and try as hard as you can to say things without ending up making them guilt ridden.
35. -"Nothing is wrong, everything is alright so how are you doing though? Honestly" because you give a shit but you don't believe they need to about you.
36. -Then again help yourself from letting it even begin, avoid them at all cost because this will fuck you up. This once fucked you up.

back in sight.

1:59pm 9/12/16

Sometimes I wonder how I got here or why I let myself go through the things I do but I know the answers to most of the questions in my head. I'm aware that it's all for my own good or for me to learn and grow.

It's so hard to love someone when you are well aware of the mess that you are. You know it so well how vital it is to learn or be able to love yourself before you do bother to accept anyone else. You start rushing and beating yourself up to fix yourself over it but what if you were never broken to begin with? That you were bound to be damaged and no matter how long it has been or how hard you try, it only sinks in even more to the core as each day passes by and that it's just a part of you that you're going to have to live with and embrace. Or control.

Do you remember what you said to yourself before- how you were meant to be alone? Yet I let myself trip over all this bullshit as if I haven't acknowledge the fact that I was never meant to be a part of the norm. Things are surfacing back up so vigorously all at once not giving me even a minute to digest each one. Almost like seeing the you, you thought you got over and restraining yourself from falling in love with the person who at the end fucked you over with no remorse whatsoever, and all this while you knew that they would.

-riri-

disintegrated thoughts.

Well of course, I'm deranged while she could be just like every other girl; a bit more normal than I could ever be. Doubting she has problems with crowds while I'm the contrary. I might be able to look all that however most times edgy or awkward and forlorn. Though he said I was amazing. That I'm fucking amazing. Alas, it doesn't really change things. I guess I might have almost believed it, I almost did, I wanted to but couldn't possibly let myself. Still, I wouldn't. Accepting it means blossoming the sort of hope I don't need. 

Or I just couldn't, aware of how I'm not at all.

-riri-

mengada pale buto.

5:30 a.m 9/12/16

I don't want anyone else to touch me.

I don't want anyone else to be here.

I don't want anyone at all.

Unless it's you.

-riri-

sorry to say.

I'm just a phase.
And I'm not over that.

-riri-

all those other girls.

I think of all the girls before,

currently or might come,

I'm a bit jealous I could say. 

Anyone who gets his attention, anyone he still might have feelings for and the girl he finds cute- I sort of wish I was instead. If they could make him feel at ease more than I ever could or if they got to talk to him about the things I'm still trying to comprehend and that one he really fell for- or the one he could soon fall for. And I've always had this idea in my head that it was just wrong of me, that I'm always wrong to be so I'm never really it. I'm not one of those girls.

-riri-

wrong guy.

"I can give you comfort."

I have someone else in mind each time.

-riri-

"Saya tak faham apa awak cakap, tapi saya percaya."

nawh.

6:16.

I feel like there's someone with me.
Beside me, staring, weirdly comforting.
I'm not sure if it's just me, literally.
Like having myself looking at myself.
I'm scared and secure at the same time.
You know when you face your fears?
And you feel like a goddamn mean bitch!
Yeah, exactly. But really, who is this beside me?

Is it you?
(me.)

-riri-

your only saviour. (repost)

No one ever saved me because I didn't need to be. No one ever saved me, because I hadn't tell. No one ever saved me, because they never knew. No one ever saved me, because they couldn't fathom what was going on around. No one ever saved me, because they couldn't. No one ever saved me, because they never listened. No one ever saved me, because they might never have cared enough or that much. No one ever saved me, or you, and anyone at all, because we hadn't let them.

-riri-

how i held on.

You don't know fright until you are petrified for those who aren't.

- I used to know exactly how this feels. I used to be so afraid.

-riri-

matchmake.

I didn't plan on becoming more human.
Then God said, "I'd like you to meet-".

"Fuck".

It's this again .

-riri-

familiar.

He makes me more eager to talk than to write.

He makes me want to go out and answer the phone.

He makes me imagine the things I no longer do.

He makes me tell tales of when I was younger and my feelings without crying.

He makes me want to listen to all the bands I've forgotten about.

He makes me feel like I'm eleven and on Myspace.

He makes it feel like the person I was is still somewhere inside this void I own.

He makes me want to talk about him when I know that I shouldn't.

He makes everything I do or say seems normal.

He makes me laugh and gets me to talk more than I'd ever.

He makes me feel all ew, yuck, stop, so cliche.

He shuts the noise inside my head.

He makes me feel less alone and a lot more.

He makes me want to know and learn.

He makes it feel okay to just be.

He makes it feel like home is close.

He sort of feels like the home that I lost.

He makes it seem like there is hope and this is it.

He makes it feel like he's never left despite this being the first time we met.

And that petrifies me more than anything else.

How he makes me feel safer than the safest I've ever been.

He makes every touch feel like dejavu. Like I've seen you and loved you-

but I'm not supposed to.

-riri-

badbadnotgood.

I found a cat I'm tempted to care for.

I know a guy I have the urge to spoil.

-riri-

f i f t e e n.

Just because it was real to me,

doesn't mean it was to you.

-riri-

outgrown.

Reading back it still boggles me, how things ever came to this. Of course I know better but it doesn't really make a difference. If I were to go back I'd slap myself so hard for believing everything that I ever done was worthless. I did everything that I could and people still left. Sometimes I forget that the last 3 years even happened. It feels like I skipped the years straight to this. I guess that explains the absence of my thoughts here. Those years have drained me off everything. For the moment at least. I'm not searching for who I was or wish to become the person I used to be. It's not that deep anymore, or perhaps, I just refuse to let it be.

I guess another stage has end.

So off to the next.

-riri-

it's not your head. literally.

This sort of indifference is confusing.
I can say that this is no other than the start of something old.
Except I no longer have the words to explain it all.

-riri-

your moment's end.

I thought you were beautiful.

And I guess I would still have had,

if you hadn't broke my heart the way you did.

With the guts to use me afterwards still.

I wish you knew, how I saw you

for the things that you weren't.

But could've been.

I saw you for all the potential

you clearly had in you,

all I've always believed in.

But you let to waste.

I really did thought you were.

And indeed you were (beautiful).

You could be still.

However, you no longer are,

at least not to me.

-riri-

the only.

Different guy, every once in awhile.

But in mind there's only one.

They think they're just options but how could they ever be?

When you've never had your eyes on any other than him.

-riri-

writer's touch.

Hi, I write sad stories.
Things that make you cry or feel.
Those things you wished you have never read.

-riri-

wouldn't have expect.

You thought I was getting attached,
must have been the way I said the things I never meant.

-riri-

pieces of you.

Sometimes I still cringe at the thought of clubs,
I still get a bit taken a back whenever people mention drinking;
It all adds up to the things I wish to demolish,
Every little thing that takes me back to him.

It's nothing to mourn about.
Just it's getting fucking annoying.

-riri-

your presence at 4am.

I believe that this is just a phase.

But then he did have the sort of laugh that made cliché tumblr quotes make sense.

-riri-

amiss.

I haven't really said the things that I want to.

I haven't been feeling what I know I should.

-riri-

things said to be ok.

"Talk to you tomorrow"

- tomorrow never came.

-riri-

what matters.

I can't remember his voice,

only how it feels to hear it.

(I'm glad you called.)

(And that I answered.)

-riri-

it's not about sex.

//I gave you my universe.//

You left and came,

Interested still,

For nothing more than what I could give.

You only come for the taste of skin,

Every inch of my body when I'm bare,

Calling it love as if you cared.

- I hope you feel empty without it.

And realised how much I filled you,
without the need to touch you.

-riri-

to the boy I shut.

You will remember me:

For I was honest, I was real.
I just wanted to make you feel.
All the things you never did,
All that you no longer do,
Those feelings you shy away from,
The things that are taboo.

But you know you want to.
I sense the fear inside you.

-riri-

an empty sky.

If I were to choose a colour that resembles him, it'd be blue.

He feels like blue. Memories of him are blue. The image of him screams blue!

And to think he used to be yellow, sometimes red, a bit of green and orange to me-

Now just blue. Yes, "blue." No longer as warm or a bit too cold at all, just a blue plateau.

Nothing more, not yet less.

-riri-

green.

He reminds me of my favourite colour.
I mark the things I read, by what could be him-
And all that I see by what I feel from him.
I know he knows, he's more than this.

If not, I wouldn't be saying.

-riri-

when the girl kicks in.

I don't think I've ever met anyone I wanted to tell so much to-

My head gets violent around him when my mouth refuses to listen.

In his presence I am me despite my body disintegrating and mind dissociating.

He makes me feel sane. He makes me feel safe.

I am denying this.

(But I've got so much to say about him.)

-riri-

tuhan sudah tahu.

Di pengakhiran solatnya, muncul nama baru.
Di dalam doanya, terdapat nama kamu.

-riri-

november's way.

All I have to be is honest,
To have them gone.

And it's okay.

To be left or to leave,
When you don't mean much
to the people you're with.

And it's okay.

To feel sad about it.
And make yourself believe that you aren't.
Because you've got no time for this.
Or want for them to worry.

And it's okay.

To end up alone,
at the end of the day.
Because nobody really wants you,
Not in that way.

It's okay.

It's not like you didn't see it coming.

-riri-

in or out, on you.

Whatever it is I say or have said, I don't want anyone to be there unless they want to themselves. I don't need anyone telling me the things I want to hear or pretend to give a shit when they could care less. I give my key to whoever I let in, so walk on out if it's how you feel.

-riri-

come inside me.

Once barely consuming, now consumes everything.

It's all in my head, that's what everyone says. I know. I used to think that it feeds on me but I'm feeding it. Sick is thanking myself for all these photos. Feels like I take forever comparing. Every single day, every moment I get to see my reflection, every mirror is a death sentence to be. I've been having a hard time feeling or thinking straight. Every day's another battle. My mind's a peculiar sort of silent. I know that in this peace, there is chaos waiting to happen. If I've to make myself believe that I don't want to be here, doesn't that already says a lot? I'm tempted to go backwards.

-riri-

pdg.

I know you don't want to be here.
Nobody really wants to be here.
Not for me at least.

-riri-

appreciation post.

For that Sunday night, Monday morning, and whatever after or in between.

For being honest and real. For asking, coming over, lepak sekali sekala.

Siapa sangka?

-riri-

to always be wrong.

*suffocates over my own presence*

It's moments like this that makes me wish my room was clean, the curtains are closed, it's cold and I'm under my comforter, my emotional playlist is on, I'm high but not alone; this time I'm with someone who doesn't have to rush to go, who doesn't mind the silence or my disgusting petty crying but I'm better off imagining things or disregarding everything all together.

I've been such a nuisance. Still it has been nice to see how not everyone I know thinks so. But I don't really know anyone and those at the moment who doesn't mind are just a couple of people I know out of everyone. Everybody else think it's too much. I know I'm a lot more than I used to be because they're not used to this. This isn't how I always was to them. This doesn't seem like me at all. Truth be told it always has been. 

Difference is before this it's never been more than just an idea. It has always been in my head. I'm anxious and nauseated by how my mind has been working. I don't want to be a part of anything, I'm supposed to lay it low. I'm supposed to be on my own. Everything's contradictory. It's funny how nothing is really wrong or right. Everything you do has its own consequences but I still feel wrong, every time.

And I'm sorry.

-riri-

loud but silent.

So I'm here being a girl, stalking a guy, saving his birth date, thinking of ways to say things, hoping it doesn't backfire but believing that there is a high chance that it would. So passive but so aggressive.

backup and go.

Cigarette butts, ashes on the mattress, burnt stain on the blanket, the pillows, some leftover french fries, and the air conditioning that hasn't been off for two days. I should be up and get going now. But last night I started remembering things as thoughts run and rushed into my semi conscious mind. Now I'd rather just hibernate. Besides, it's not like I came here to stay.

This is too easy, it's no longer my scene.

-riri-

"no reason".

Another moment of losing my head;

I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone to be there.

'far'? no it's fad.

Some things just happen.

// Because it was meant to. //

// Because we made it. //

I don't know why we decided to but I'm glad we did.

I don't think about what was or kill myself over what to say or do (yet).

And despite the awkwardness, it's still nice. It feels comfortable.

I don't usually do comfortable.

So lets see where this goes.

-riri-

steppingstone.

Victimise yourself, go ahead.

I used to love these things. Made something out of everything, giving meaning to what has none. However I'm at that stage where I find it difficult to feel again. Most things rather bland, daily routines feel like too much work, mind's empty, I feel nothing or rage. For now there is no in between. I don't know where my head is, or if it's still mine. No remorse or sympathy just annoyance and suffocation. A few days ago I drowned again. I thought of picking myself up yesterday. It was just a thought. I'm not one able or reliable to make decisions right now. 

I've no idea what I'm doing or where I am, I just know that for the time being, I don't want to figure it out yet. I'm going to let myself enjoy everything I don't feel before I start fucking myself over with all the things I know I would soon. I don't like what I'm doing because of how it affects everyone else. People always assume I do the things I do just to spite them. When the only person I've ever really beaten up is myself. Enough of the miserable talk, something new is arising; I can't wait for everyone to blame me for it.

-riri-

suck on that.

I don't believe anything at all is real at the moment.

I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror the way I always do.

I can fit the shorts I bought at the beginning of the year. Again.

My cup is half empty, skin back to how it was and talk about that look in my eyes.

The only difference is my hair colour, and well maybe where I am. Obviously.

I forgot how this was like. I just knew it never left.

I know this isn't really what I'm used to. Then again maybe it's all that I've ever known.

I can't tell if I feel the things I do or if I'm subconsciously forcing myself to.

I just know that for the moment being, everything's the same, no one's different.

Back when I figured that maybe I was meant to be on my own,

I never expected that I would reach a point where it'd be exactly how I've pictured it to be.

Except of course, I knew. I've always known and so this shouldn't be a surprise for me. It isn't.

Used to be on the inside looking out, then outside looking in. 

Now I'm just in the middle, of nothing.

I don't expect anyone to understand.

And I've stopped believing anyone would choose to if they could.

I used to think I might actually meet someone who would until it really hit me that nobody,

no one at all should. I can't recall if it was what I once searched for or believed I needed to have. 

I never needed anyone as much as I've always been there for everyone.

Lacking my own presence, never giving myself away like that but to everyone else.

What's becoming of me, is just another huge experiment, something to laugh and talk about.

But I guess I enjoy that, making people think they've got a role to play, that they're important.

What if no one's really anything at all?

"It's all in your head." They'd tell me.

-riri-

little to none.

I can't tell if I'm subconsciously giving reasons for people to leave or testing their sincerity of being with me. Making it look as if I've started caring when really I'm just fooling around, becoming more than one person at once. Characters after characters, lies after lies, I've lost touch with who I am. Going around filling the void when I know better, when I know exactly what I should be doing. There is this hollowness I've forgotten about, a blackhole slowly sucking me in from the inside- I'm exhausted, drained, jaded. Slowly crawling out of myself, I see me. Don't feel me or know me.

I go back to days where I felt this way in hopes that I'll find my way again but it's different this time. That makes it more difficult to comprehend. Right now it's not too much, not too little, not enough but it's there. Like it's floating above me, following me, waiting for the right moment to consume me. I don't want to do this again but every fucking phase they tell me about is just the same thing that comes in different waves. I don't believe I'll ever get better but I get through. At the moment I'm not. At the moment I'm static, trying so hard to hold on to what isn't even there. It'd be a surprised to even know what it is that isn't there. Or finding out that there wasn't ever anything at all.

Thinking of the extremes, but I've grown from that; that's what I've been brainwashing myself to accept but I know what it's really like. I no longer belong, not that I've ever before. The silence is banging in my head, everything so violent. I know that my hands and my throat, my arm and my head is playing with me, they're teasing me. There is a plan I'm unaware of, there is a destruction coming ahead of me if I'm not careful. Wary of the situation, this doesn't intimidate me- the thought of myself turning my back against me does.

-riri-

a moment's end.

For a moment I thought I didn't love him. 

In that moment I made myself believed that it was alright, 

that this was enough.

Until I started wishing it was him next to me, 

saving me the way he did. 

That it was his hand, his lips, 

instead of anybody else's.

That 3:58 1st October would last a bit longer 

even though I knew- 

where this was heading to.

Funny how you find yourself in what is lost 

and lose yourself in the things you find.

I'm fine.

-riri-

defense mechanism.

Reading back everything starting from 2k11; so much feels, a bit too much of missing this and that. Positivity here and there, memories, at times trauma. Still, I find it hard to relate to these days. I don't miss those things as much as everyone said I would. I feel nothing about it.

And I guess I prefer it this way.

-riri-

the finer things.

I'm as bad at goodbyes as I am at explaining my reasons when apologising. 

Often I mean everything I say. Other times it's just stuck like a lump in my throat unsaid.

Here's for saving me, coming to KD all the way from Ampang and sending me back afterwards. For being okay with me high and drunk; out of balance, laughing and talking a bit too loudly. For all the babi, sial, fuck you I've said that he doesn't make such a fuss over because he's no different except for the part where he never aims it at me. For listening and understanding, exchanging ideologies or views through his perspective. For treating me like I'm just another person despite our age differences.

For his patience every time I am reckless, stubborn and confusing or too much of unknown at once. For accompanying me to the loo. For persuading me to go home. For genuinely caring and making me feel safe. For the hugs, every second he really held my hand as if it was his and asking me if I'm coming down to a fever whenever my temperature suddenly rises. For observing, for asking, for putting his hand on my head smiling to the lost puppy he found and been keeping around not knowing how much I need it. For letting me lean on him as long and as many times as I want to. For hopping to the back of the car with me instead of leaving me behind on my own. For watching me cry and wiping it away for me, trying to console me even if he had no clue how to.

For apologising. For not calling me out for my bimbo moments. For being my Afiq, Syafiq, Haziq, Farid, baby and whatever it is we (I accidentally) use. Even if really, he's just Asyik- the only. For driving around not asking for tol or fuel money (though you need it I'm sorry). For not getting mad at me that he had to sleep in his car because I'm a piece of shit. For staying up and wasting his nights away. For letting me in, even when he knows he's better off without. For reminding me to be rational because I'm starting to forget how to. For looking me in the eye and telling me that whatever it is, things that happened are over his own will too, that it is not just me or just him but us. 

For pulling me back in and blocking the door's lock with his hand to stop me from getting out of the car. For actually following me from behind when I did, and got out of the car just to get me back in and buying me breakfast afterwards. For telling me he'd punch my ex in his face for that one thing he did. For giving me his undivided attention in the hours we spent and for once after so long, I hear people constantly asking me if I'm okay or what I'm thinking of, like they sincerely want to know the answers to it.

Even if it isn't much to him. Even if it's only out of his own kindness and respect. Even if this might last for a couple of weeks. Even if this could all be another facade or a made up story, a "beautiful lie, an experiment. Even if he ends to be just another collected memory and story to tell - It has been nice.

-riri-

crinkle cut.

It goes like :

"or could I ever imagined the agony of the day it does if it ever."

(losing you).

So I was reading back. Thought I'd talk about it, because who would've thought- I actually want to. I may not feel nothing now, I really don't. However looking back, at what I said and how I was the day I realised I wasn't ever going to get him back, that this time there's no next time and whatever I do or how hard I try everything's said and done; gives me the sort of wake up call I needed.

I don't cry the way I did that night, to anyone. Or at least for anyone. I bawled my lungs and soul out shaking vigorously in front of my brother out of everyone, blaming myself for being such a fucked up, for being too bloody sad, for having disordered eating, weird habits, falling into depression and thinking it was me who pushed him away after everything we've went through and the amount of times I had to bloody pick myself up just so I could still be the one he fell for when he first met me. 

It was excruciating on a level I wouldn't have thought I'd let myself go through but for him I did. He wouldn't know though he will. This time was different, knowing it was hopeless, I dragged myself up everyday to get through. I tried finding things to do, I went out, met new people, smiled and laughed my days away when if it was up to me I would rather just sleep my life away and rot again until my body decays into the nothingness that I felt inside of me. 

It's amazing really, it still amazes me that every single time I want to throw everything behind and give up, I can never really allow myself to and honestly as cliché as this might sound, it was always because of Him. Even if I had the littlest faith left inside of me it was the fuel that had me going, that kept me from going fully insane.

See, everything's going to be alright because nothing is but as bad as it gets, it's always going to get better at a point. A never ending circle, a lesson you're always reminded of no matter how good you think you already are at it.

-riri-

4:14am: coming sun.

I don't run to my phone over the sound of it's vibration against my dressing table. 

I do not get paranoid or excited. Nor do I lie to myself and act to the point of believing what wasn't but now honestly speaking, do I really not? 

-riri-

esthetically cliché.

Let your name loose, into the name of the ghost I chase.

Come with your embrace, spreading safety as you slowly crush me.

Step on me, break me, with not even the slightest of mercy let me learn.

Then leave.

And I still love you.

Because I've always known what I was getting into.

-riri-

mengundang.

I guess God's testing me again. Sorry for the delayed prayers, I haven't been alive for awhile. No second thoughts, risking everything and over-thinking none. How long are we going to believe we could actually live to all the swears we had sworn upon. It's not a yes or a no, more like a no or what you really desire. And opposed to the need of affection and appreciation, I'm here freely giving. It's when you know better than to open up and spurt things out, but recklessly give away quarter of your universe to someone whose full name you don't even know.

I'm not sure of which but I know I'm getting into something I already know I should avoid. I shouldn't want to and know better, but too eager to learn, to experience- pain feels so good when you least want it to. Tanta Ajeng used to tell me "This, this boy now is not the one. You'll have more boys admiring over you, Have fun! Go around" so here's to her words and all I already know I'll go through. Even if it breaks me as lust and love confused and fuse always does. 

Then again, why not?

-riri-

the stranger the better.

4:00 am-ish, 21/09/16.

"Serious ah?"

"Fucking serious"

Blurred vision but who could've possibly had missed that smile.

"Macam what the fuck kan?" "Yeah like fuck." "Fuck!"

Fin.

-riri-

alright.

If you're wondering, I'm fine.

Everything is.

-riri-

a younger me & malay breakups.

If you want to go so bad then go.
I say it as many times as I need to.
And much enough for it to happen.

Never wanted you to go and you went.
Jadi kalau nak sangat pergi, pergi lah.
Pergi main jauh jauh.
Jauh enough tak termampu nak patah balik.

Pergi lah, kan you nak sangat pergi.
Pergi lah banyak kali lagi, kan you memang suka.
Pergi lah- sebab hobi.
Pergi lagi- sebab talent.

Pergi, because everyone eventually does.
Pergi, because you can't stand being mine.
Pergi, because I know you really want to.

Go, because that's all I ever used to do.
Go, because I can no longer look at you.

So leave like you haven't already. 

Sebab I sayang you tapi I dah tak mampu. 

I dah tak malu, I just tak mahu. 

I think it's about time for me to go.

I've never not want to love anyone

as much as I don't want to love you.

-riri-

another d.

What a shame you had to prove me wrong
by proving me right. tsk tsk.

-riri-

over prayers.

I can be a bitch- make that everyone but the only reason I still have a heart is because I choose to. I don't think we're never really aware of the things we wish for until it becomes reality but I hope we don't spend our whole lives in ignorance. We often realise when it's too late and despite the lesson learned, we eventually repeat the same mistakes. Funny how it takes so long for me to feel the love I do now but I guess better now than never, no? I couldn't be more grateful. 

-riri-

*dialling*.

There is this sort of hatred that keeps taking me back to this day,

the sort of hatred so full of love towards what I've became, what I once were.

Then I loved me more. God, I'm on the verge of going back.

-riri-

one with us.

In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. 

We no longer mention, overlooking often. Allah. What are you so ashamed of if people ever heard? Allah. Left behind were the days you cupped your hands at the length of your face to thank Him for the food in front of you. Now feeling out of place to, looking at everyone else stuffed before you without a care in the world. Allah. "O Allah, with your name, I die and I live" like we used to as kids, every step, every doing, "nanti Allah marah" we would tell our friends. Every puff, every sip, every swear, every moment of sinning, we forget. I haven't been emphasising much of Him the way I used to, still alhamdulillah for every second He reminds me.

"Our Lord! We have sinned against ourselves 

and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us, 

we shall most certainly be lost."

-riri-

echo.

Every single time it goes back to this.

Every of these moments go back to then.

Who knew home would keep coming and going,

disappearing over time. Some days I wish I could go back.

I just want to be home again more often than not.

But I've lost that warm welcome and I'm tired of all these sessions.

-riri-

paucity of signs.

These instincts are a curse. A blessing and a curse. I can't seem to comprehend it's point or who it's really latching on. I used to believe it was nothing but a way for me to foresee events, a heads up like when the traffic light turns red for the pedestrians right before it goes green for the cars, they had their warning and you'd be dumb to walk before it changes. It's bullocks that there is such a thing as hyper empathy, god who would've thought.

Some things you just can't tell anyone. I've gotten over all the rainbows, the light, the what ifs. What I had was different but it couldn't have possibly built a bond quite this strong. Even if it did, I wouldn't allow myself to sink in to that thought at this point. This time it's just me. It's a bit frightening really, to come to the conclusion or reach to a state where it isn't about anyone else but you. Sometimes I feel like there's two. Why do I have to be the one to feel the presence of those no longer there despite my effort to cut it all off. This leaves me at a dead end. I don't want to pretend or make believe that there is a reason behind this. Some things I no longer want anything to do with. But god, it's so hard to be the one to feel everything.

Guess my bedtime's over.

Talk about getting some rest.

-riri-

cognisance.

I go back to all my favourite scenes

and everything that saddens me.

I look back in disbelief of all I have lost

and everything I should've believed.

I come to notice all of what I've ever wanted

and realise all I have never needed.

But darling,

You are nothing but a mere subject to me.

Get over yourself because in all honesty my love,

What is cruel if compared to what you have done to me?

-riri-

perasan.

Looking back, I realised all this time I've mistaken shame for care.

You were ashamed, and I thought you cared. Hysterical.

-riri-

camera film.

I have fallen so deeply in love with all these photos I've yet to take and every connection we would make. I am too in love with all that isn't yet. -riri-

dekat di hati, namun mati.

Suatu pagi dan semalam.

That's all it takes.

Ditemui takdir, ditinggalkan masa depan.

Cinta yang dulu, namun orangnya baru.

Aku bukan dia, engkau bukan lagi aku.

Janggal seketika, mungkin juga tiada bedanya.

Kita kan sama sahaja.

Kau dan mereka.

Aku, si dia.

Maka tiada lagi cebisan yang silam.

Hilang segala erti perkara sebelum ini.

Mungkin suatu hari kita kan bertemu lagi.

Mungkin juga tidak sama sekali.

Pinta ku pada tuhan, moga kau dijauhi.
Kali ini, dengan lebih erti.

Akan ku lebih sayangi yang kini.

Harapan ku kau menjumpai segala yang dicari.

Maaf atas yang lalu, ianya bukan aku lagi.

Semoga bahagia, dulu kau segalanya.

Sekarang, hanya lah dia.

You are just a boy after all, no?

-riri-

the future's in the past.

12:04am, reading back 12:40am,

3 years back, advice from the past.

Talking about prayers and God, 

writing about the future in darkness,

it has never been so bright.

Write down every thought, every lesson, every question, not knowing when it could all help you along the way. All the things concluded, figured, learned, will soon lead you the way. The universe works in a funny way and I've always been aware of how God has His on way. We tend to forget the things we were taught and I haven't been writing as much or often as I used to. Most thoughts to myself, feeling safe with it, forgetting that I was never built to go through everything living this way. Feel and forget, write and cherish, appreciate every bad and enjoy the good. Collect pieces you've lost bit by bit as days passes by. Take a few steps back at times, listen to yourself, open up your heart, let go of your mind. Insanity is your cup of tea balanced with rationality, you used to be better like this.

"Everything happens for a reason." You just haven't figure out what it is yet.

Then again, ironically, you already had in the past when you were too busy finding reasons to what was going on back then. Little did you know the answers has always been there, that everything is exactly where it should be. Take a breather, it's as hard as you make it. I know that you hate this.

But you'll get through.

-riri-

screening.

I wish satan would stop whispering to me.

Get out of my head, stop messing with my mind.

"But Satan is you".

Every night when no one's there,

and every morning you wake up in solitude,

he's with you.

-riri-

contradiction, in midst of truth.

I tell myself how what he shows isn't him, I tell everyone else how more than this he is. That he is kind, that he is better and that he is- well it doesn't quite matter now. And I'll tell them how he broke my heart, how he didn't want to but I made him. I tell them it's my fault, that he needed something more. Honestly, you can tell yourself whatever you want, however and how often as you wish to and it still won't make it true. Still the story remains, reality away;

I don't love him anymore.

-riri-

fin.

Maka berakhirlah derita,

Walau buat sementara.

-riri-

all the other guys.

5:30pm 5 August 2016.

I don't think about you that way.

-riri-

my hozukikun, your kii.

2:39am 4/8/2016

"I think that people meet the person they need the most,

when they need it most."

Maybe back then, despite thinking that he walked into my life at an inconvenient time, he really appeared when I needed him to the most. That when he left, perhaps it was because I didn't need him anymore. Then again maybe we met because coincidently, it was him who needed me around and so there I was, where I wanted to be, with him. Until it ended, as to everything else, it's always when people find themseleves or lose sight of what they were, perhaps even it was the guilt or the doubts that led them to walk away. It was when he stopped needing me that it all changed. But I guess at least I did all I could or what I wanted to and believed in. It might be selfish to even think of, sometimes I wish it was the other way around. It isn't surprising to say that in fact I loved him a bit beyond that to let it be him in my shoes. Thinking if anything, I would be here still, knowing it's not my place to be no matter how much I wish it would be.

-riri-

Despite not being able to handle a crowd at some point,

I still think of going to places with him.

Concerts, team parks, festivals, everything precious.

Anything, anywhere at all if it's with him.

hush hush.

2/8/16
I thought everyone has figured me out by now.

I was wrong, safe, my own.

And no one will ever know.

Thank god.

-riri-

new if too late.

And for some reason,
I know for sure-

That I'll still be there.
Though not as the me you knew.

-riri-

a lost end.

Eat a bit of bread, it's been awhile since you've eaten properly plus the recent two days straight of barely eating, a real meal the least. I put that "-" playlist on, all the other playlists in cue. Close the lights, switch on the aircond. Water bottle, aluminium foil/plastic, something sweet for the bitterness and an insane mind. Isn't this where it ended the previous time? Now it begins again.

The last time felt like years ago but aches and petrifies like yesterday. This night feels colder than usual. This heart heavier than ever. Come back, but I am. Come now, but I'm lost. Gone soon. I thought how many goodbyes have I sent just to get it back in return? Hoping this one gets through. Your hello is my goodbye and hellos never last as long as the goodbyes I've heard and said.

-riri-

30/7/16.

Even in moments where I feel like I'd rather not,
having you there makes me feel like I've always wanted to.

-riri-

wishful thinking.

Stay.

I almost forgot how it feels like.

Is this where I start to write beautifully again?
Ah cliche.

-riri-

I've run out of words to say.

someone else.

Despite the days, weeks and months that has passed,
Somedays I think of you wishing you still speak of me.

Some mornings, some nights I get woken up by dreams of you.
Some moments I still get the strongest urge to tell you I love you.

Convincing myself of how untrue the things I feel are, that there's no more you,
Yet wondering why I wake up searching, why despite knowing better,
I still have you in mind every time my phone rings.

I put you in my stories, my reference, spreading you around like a rumour,
the more I do, the more I see you, the more I talk the more I hear you,
the more I do, the more I do, the more I realise that, I've in fact lost you.

No one gets through my mind, lingers in my life the way you do.
But I tell myself each time it's not you. I tell myself each time,
it's not me either.

-riri-

bland.

I used to be less direct , more poetic or so. My words more colourful, my mind wide open, dreams often vivid. Still everything has it's price, then it was my relationships with people, my happiness, my sanity- I can't quite tell the difference now, perhaps the same just less of what I am verbally and more than before mentally. Just another stage to get through, another "god I'd like to go back to when-" soon.

-riri-

in the moment.

Doing good, hope you're great. You were there when I was lost. Wrong timing, wrong everything except for the fact that you felt so right. Thanks for staying then, though I wished that maybe you had chose to still. It's alright, everyone has their moments.

-riri-

facade.

It's easier to speak of love, pretend to be obsessed or act as if it is the only thing on your mind then to show what's really playing inside your head. It's easier to be typical than to be real. Ah, hilarious.

-riri-

missing piece.

Looking through old photos,
How bad it was, how I was bad,

Still bad I am,
But you were there.

-riri-

ingat diri.

Jaga diri

Jangan buat itu
Jangan buat ini

Tengok kiri kanan
Sekali sekala tengok tangan
Ingat mak, ingat masa depan

Orang sayang
Mana dia peduli.

-riri-

it'd be you.

Well I thought-

Though I knew-

But still I wish,
That it would be you,
Each time I do.

And I wished,

As I hoped,

So badly I wanted,
For it to be you.

I cross my fingers each time,

Praying if for once it would,
Every single time I do.

I keep wishing it'd be you.
When I knew better than to.

-riri-

another, like the others.

Come out with reasons that soon sounds more like excuses; tell me you're not ready or that you haven't had it all, tell me that you need more time or that you've to better yourself more. Give it your best shot and I still go over the fact that you put more effort in finding a way to get out of what we have or could've been instead of all the things I hear that now I find difficult to believe in.

-riri-

same love.

Each time I looked at him,
Even more if I stared,
I felt love, in the form of fear.

There was his hands, and his face,
Mostly it was in his eyes that I could tell,
He isn't here, he wasn't mine, yet I was his.

Lost in thoughts, hands so cold,
It doesn't sound like love,
He isn't the one I loved,
Yet head over heels still I was.

I felt the distance despite him beside me,
The hollow in what once was my home,
That emptiness similar to when he was gone,
It didn't take very long-

It has already happened before.

-riri-

raya's embrace-not.

"Seronok tengok adik happy." Said to me on the verge of my downfall.

If only she knows. If only they could see. If only I wasn't so good at masking it all up. It's starting to surface- funny I thought I was already better. Oddly healing comes with subconsciously blocking things out and that as we all know, leads to an emotional/mental breakdown waiting to happen. Too many things in need of clearing up, pushing me back in time, dragging me to where I was, where I'd like to be, where I shouldn't.

Some days I believe this will never change no matter how I try, who I'm with or what I do. Those days I'd like to give up on more than anything in the world, still I never do and I'm unable to figure out how I feel about it.

-riri-

friday the 1st.

At eighteen I learn,
At eighteen I quit.

At eighteen I balance,
At eighteen...

Well at eighteen I'll find out.
Since eighteen hasn't end.

-riri-

sup doc.

Um so uh um hello.

Yea it's me. Alright I guess.

So yeah.

*laughs*
I know what she'd ask,

what she'd expect.

Um so uh how do you put this.

Like yknow when um, you want to go back?

Back where she'd ask.

Back, like yknow back to the illness.

Home- back to the sadness.

I can't take the one looking right back at me in the mirror.

I noticed everything, everywhere and it's driving me insane.

So um like yeah, I gotta go like I'm not dead enough to go.

I hate it, I hate this, I, I, I wanna shed all this fa-

I gotta be tiny again, I've to feel cold and every inch of my bones.

I can't swallow these things no more.

I need to feel every slash against my arms.

I need to see things bleed and all the scars that reminds me of it.

My head hurts, I want to quit my job.

God I love my job but I can't do this.

I can't take what's in my head, I can't take the repulsion towards myself.

Um so, uh, dr. how is it going to be now?

I think this is my last 150 for now, see you in a few months.

See you when I've got cash. See you when I see you.

Or maybe not at all.

-riri-

losing touch.

Each day much more than the memories I once held to, vanishes into the back of my mind. Now out of it. Most of what I had of him is fading immensely. Tell me our tales, remind me of him so I don't forget. Then again- it's almost too late.

-riri-

take your places.

And I can tell you that my mum's happy when she sings. 

Then life comes around, slaps her across the face. She goes silent for awhile. 

Sometimes not at all. But we all know in these moments,

that we're all at fault.

-riri-

a different love.

Never love until you are loved, never fall until he is sure. 

Just remember this time, let him be yours.

-riri-

been awhile.

Now there it is, there's the riri I know. There's the riri I'm used to. One I was comfortable being despite the abhorrence for it. Now there you are ri, I've missed you. Your thoughts, all the fucked up pieces of you, your fragile, vulnerable, miserable, insane, alone, lonely, self, head, nights, never day. No never. This sickness- you are sick ri. Yet you are fine.

And I still miss you.

I miss you all the time.

-riri-

fambam bang bang.

Family's family.
Family's no longer we.
Though we still pretend to be.

It's okay to cheat.
Act as if that they don't already see.
At the end of the day we've nobody.

-riri-

so, uh, no thanks.

And well, what if I want us to end?
Because I know where this leads us to.
And who'll leave who.

-riri-

mark you.

I always will.

I'll come around or make you believe you did,
I'll hang around or make you stay over your own will,
I'll smile and laugh and make you feel a certain way,
or perhaps you will,
and I die.

We always will.

You'll come and you go or I'll cut all ties,
you'll go and you come and I'll let you in,
you stay and I leave, this time I win,
this time no you and me,
just you,
and there's,
well, me.

I might forget soon,
but you'll remember me,
I swear you would.

I promise you.

-riri-

another t-d-g.

Everything's coming together to fall apart.
Sentence of the moment, though I don't want to dwell on it.

Everything happens for a reason, you just haven't found out what it is yet. It still amazes me how things would slowly in a way or another reveal itself to you. Why haven't we moved, why Bangi, why Kajang, why Saujana fucking Impian, why? Funny he's from here, funny he notices and rather bloody hilarious that he'll be leaving too soon.

Sigh, I was just starting to immensely fancy him.
Ah too soon too soon, what a shame to feel too soon.

-riri-

between me and i.

Some things never change.

Perhaps.

Then again.

Still is.

Sober or high,

It has always been you.

-riri-

miss me one day.

There's always those moments when I think of him and get the urge to start up a conversation. I would know that every time, it was me missing him and each time I would remind myself to let it go. That he wanted to go. If he didn't he wouldn't have went. I tell myself each time, it would be better for him this way. He wanted it like this. No matter how many times I wanted to believe otherwise. Still nobody gets what he was to me. Guess so did he.

-riri-

back again.

Once beyond petrified of being seen crazy to everybody else, 

knowing that I was going insane with myself that I-

And I got back up despite the amount of times I wanted to relapse because I never really had a choice. I can never let myself rest in peace. Even in the calm, my head is still me. My past is still mean and the voices are banging behind the doors I have locked, which keys I have swallowed to avoid these sort of things. Then again we already know you can never really leave what you are.

It is what makes you. 

Now trying to break me.

-riri-

home.

Home was holidays with aci.

Home was me pretending things weren't happening.

Home was home before I wrecked it.

Home was absent.

Home so lonely.

Home was cold.

Home is empty.

Home is alive, often moving around.

Home isn't a place, a house isn't home.

Home is anywhere I end up at, anyone I come across.

Home is where the love is, and where it soon ends.

"Go home" they would tell me.

Not knowing home isn't mine to keep.

"Home" does not exist with me.

Home is lost to me.

-riri-

more than a touch.

There's something about it; holding hands, giving or receiving hugs, the sincere human touch. It's just a sudden thought, a sudden realisation looking back at these past few months, weeks perhaps. There's a difference in how it makes you feel, according to when or who's doing it with you. Nobody's the same. You don't just hold someone's hand or let just anyone hug you. Still I've my moments.

Not to forget- presence. Lately it's been hitting me how vital human touch is to me. I've been going on with so little human contact in the past few years and in those months of illness especially, that picking myself back up and getting stable, feeling human again, is causing me to crave so much of that. Going back to the two years where I did have it all doesn't make it any better either.

There's something about the hugs I got when I was breaking down or the hand that held me and mine when I was petrified and out of my head, these moments, these people, they've been more than amazing. The nights where they had to sacrifice sleep to take care of me or the times where they stayed despite the uncomfortable circumstances and the backache from it. Cherishing all I've got before it goes.

Hoping that someday something stays. 

Despite believing nothing will. 

I can't take another touch n go.

I'm sick of getting touched that way.

-riri-

peekaboo, I've seen you.

Is this the part where everything dies?
Start over, find new people, do things differently.

Amusing and predicted. I don't really bother keeping people since I-don't-know-or-fucking-want-to-bother-at-the-moment but when I do, I do. Like every other time, soon something happens, all is lost, I'm left alone, encounter someone new, something fresh, something old, something interesting, just to go through it all again to get back to this. Things can only last so long before it goes back to how it was, how it wasn't there to begin with. Optimism helps for awhile but you've to face the music whether or not you're ready for it.

Old thoughts creeping back in, this is exactly why I cut people off. It's not as easy as it seems to get to this state, to stay sane and not give in to the demons in my head, the anxiousness, the trauma, the flashbacks, all I've been ignoring and blocking to forget. People still don't get it. I go through shit, refrain myself from going back to what I was, what I have the strongest urge to becoming, just to be triggered at the most execrable moment and be reminded of the things I've been told way too many times before to the point of abhorrence towards myself, and to be dragged to where I was when I was the utmost fragile, vulnerable and fucked, has me wondering, who's even there or wants to be when most of them are no different than who they said they weren't or promised to not become.

Despite acknowledging the fact that nobody knows, I wonder why I still get surprise when I'm proven right. I can't seem to find the answers to why no matter how many times it has happen there always seem to be a point in the duration of knowing a person where I genuinely believe in them, thinking that they might just be different although deep in my heart I know that nobody ever is for as long as it's with me. It's never really them now is it, it has only ever been me. I think it's time to go back to the home I've lost but I can't seem to find it no more so I guess I'll just get lost. Besides, it's not like I have ever belonged.

Every stop, stops becoming home.

-riri-

and so he stays.

Said things are bound to end at a point, he tells me it only ends if we want it to. 

His rational reasonable sense has been keeping my head up these days. 

It annoys you but you know it's right. You know he's right.

-riri-

a week, almost.

And this time I want to remember.

Wednesday
25 May 2016

Last night's confusion left me anxious and drained, it was difficult to sleep despite the exhaustion and when I did- waking up, I couldn't continue. I kept seeing horrifying things, I got too afraid to let myself sleep. Sick of the sudden and constant perturbance, I stayed awake. Restless waiting for nick, I kept checking the time and the door trying to stay calm. 9:57 a.m, "I'll be there by 10". He drove here, god he's so excited for his car still, I'm so happy for him.

Suddenly it was all blank and calm, I didn't even realised or noticed when I fell asleep till I opened my eyes to Nick beside me about an hour or two later. Talking to my mum I wonder how he's even here. We both said hi coincidentally at the same time and let out a laugh over it. With work later on, and leftover fatigue from accompanying me yesterday, I felt sorry for him. What a life to be encountering me in his. I haven't had the appetite, I wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for my brother and him. "Jap lagi you eat with me tau." "Okay.." "Eat with me, janji" I nodded. 

I like Nick, he's such a good distraction. "Lets look at it like this babe, it wasn't a misscall but wrong number"- There's this thing about Nick where he sometimes reminds me of a person I knew. In a lot of ways really, but then again it's never the same. His replies sound like he doesn't get it to me, like my dad's, it irritates me but Nick is different. If I put enough thought to it, he only just wants me to be strong and get better. That's Nick for you, he can never be yours but he'll make you own you.

"You know what, karang I'm going to tell She to put us in the same shift."

Tuesday
24 May 2016

Less than an hour of sleep and more hours of staying awake to keep me present. Cancelled our plans for KL, too tired for shit but I still couldn't be left alone. Nick needed to go back within a couple of hours, he's finally getting his car today. I was too scared to let go or fall asleep. He's been telling me I needed rest and convincing me how it will get better with sleep. His eyes almost dead, this isn't supposed to happen. "I'll sleep kat hostel nanti" didn't make it any better. I was relieved the moment he finally decided to go with me. Then, it was better- until I woke up. I couldn't take being left home, I suffocated, got frustrated at the thought of being alone. 

I couldn't stay still, my head empty but I'm losing composure. "Nick are you free today? Ikut I jom" "Pergi mana?" "IOI" "Are you going to watch a movie? Sebab I serious penat gila." "No, I don't think so, just jalan." I can't understand it myself how hard yet easy it is to just talk to Nick, or how safe it feels to have him around. Calm and at home, I sometimes wish his hands weren't to let go off. Nick could be hurtful intentionally or I could just be overly sensitive with him, but he keeps me at bay. Even so, he gets me laughing. He makes me forget. Until it's time to go.

I noticed people staring over me crying. "You've to stay strong for you. Forget everything else at the moment, we just have to get through. Trust me, I promise you I'm going to find a way." My mum also mentioned my grandma dreaming of Nick, "Jodoh ma, lepas ni Nick jadi muslim pula."

Isn't that something to laugh about.

Monday
23 May 2016

I wasn't feeling like myself, I was floating on air despite my feet glued to the ground. Head in this world, don't go there I thought, not knowing where "there" is to begin with. I almost cut myself, fell in the toilet and couldn't remember what I was just doing, said or when was it that I got to where I was. I wanted to go home, I was on the verge of crying, I couldn't understand what was happening. Looking into the mirror every chance I got, checking if my eyes were red though I was sure it wouldn't be but the doubt was starting to creep into me. Check the time, counting my hours, I was petrified.

Walking towards the car I saw from the corner of my eye what seemed so familiar, a lengthy body and that familiar way of standing- "Ririii", it took a few seconds to digest the fact that it was Nick. I was so overwhelmed and ecstatic I went straight to him for a hug, boggled of how he came, why or when to find out that my brother had picked him up from uni just to see me, concerned. Broke down bloody scared on the way back, it was so sudden and without warning, I held Nick's hand as if something was going to pull me away. They both consoled me, calmed me, was there basically. It's odd, to be where I was and felt what I felt. It seems surreal to me, to have someone there in such a state.

IOI to BJ to Putra Heights and back home again, I've never really went out this way but it feels calmer than going back. Every place further away feels better when you're with the right person. I think they're starting to understand it better now, or at least trust my brother with me. It's not like we do shit, sometimes it's just all that I need. I'm starting to feel the suffocation once again, I want out but it's crazy really how at the same time it's wrong to. Well, I've never been right.

From Mcd to BJ's 7e, despite my wandering mind I had my feet firm on the ground with my brother , Yusman and Nick around. I still space out from time to time when left by myself. Then again there was Nick with me, being a doofus, at times a dingus, being a pain in the ass and cares at the same time. Here's the thing about Nick: no matter how much you think he can't, he will always, in a way or another without even trying so hard, get your attention.

Or perhaps it's just me.

Sunday
22 May 2016

All I could remember was Nick telling me how I told him last night that it would be nice if we got married before we rushed down the escalator, called my brother out, ran to the car and headed to Sri Hartamas. Sometimes things happen so fast and unexpected. We waited in the car, talked, laughed, the usuals. There's something about these past nights that's a bit odd. I don't exactly feel like myself. For some reason either blunt or a bit too open. Either from the lack of rest, my tired eyes or starving stomach, all I know is it comes past midnight.

Talked about the past, love, relationship, family, friends, work, future plans or some random shit that crosses our minds. With everybody else, the lump in my throat stays or barely ever clears when I need it too but it somehow finds a way to with him. When it comes to people other than family, I know that they must legit mean something to me to be able to say things that could actually offend me. It's a sign that I actually give a shit of how they see me or what they like and dislike. For some inexplicable reason he's able to do so. God, the amount of times he pissed me off and had me laughing is ridiculous. How can someone so cold/distant get this close and sensitive or clingy again?

With all that was going on, thoughts started to overwhelm me; the angst of all that I have now slipping through my fingers, knowing that in time it would. Soon things are going to change and later on this will all fade into a distant memory. Would I let go this time? A few minutes of flashbacks from when I was sick, they met me while I'm better or at least seemed to be. Of course they're still here; I'm not yet as insane, desolated to the point of keeping myself in a state of segregation. I would miss this when I am, I'm going to miss this before it even ends.

So we went to my Maklong's, had milo and bahulu, calls each other kafir, sent my brother's friends back, started talking crap, lost touch with reality, had my head in the clouds (I was starting to become a bit bizarre by this point), I didn't really think straight, I said things I couldn't take back, I just remember wishing some nights never had to end, because for some reason I feel at peace and calmer to have him near. 

"Nick, all the things I said or asked you yesterday that you agreed on, did you mean what you said or did you just agreed because I was high?"

Saturday
21 May 2016

Smoke filled the car, I went out a bit unstable. Walk to the cashier Nas knew what was going on, I held a bit too long. "Apa ni?" I dismissed it by laughing and we went to the back and talked. I was out of my head. It took Nick awhile to realise what was going on. I remember sitting on the fitting room floor laughing my ass off about something. I remember him saying things I can't even recall. I was surprisingly silent most of the time there. 

In the car I couldn't shut up. Too close, too touchy, I said things I might have meant or shouldn't. I said things that would make me sad in the future, ask things with disheartening answers. Tho I felt safe and comfortable, with him there's always these moments. 

We were home by 6.