peekaboo, I've seen you.

Is this the part where everything dies?
Start over, find new people, do things differently.

Amusing and predicted. I don't really bother keeping people since I-don't-know-or-fucking-want-to-bother-at-the-moment but when I do, I do. Like every other time, soon something happens, all is lost, I'm left alone, encounter someone new, something fresh, something old, something interesting, just to go through it all again to get back to this. Things can only last so long before it goes back to how it was, how it wasn't there to begin with. Optimism helps for awhile but you've to face the music whether or not you're ready for it.

Old thoughts creeping back in, this is exactly why I cut people off. It's not as easy as it seems to get to this state, to stay sane and not give in to the demons in my head, the anxiousness, the trauma, the flashbacks, all I've been ignoring and blocking to forget. People still don't get it. I go through shit, refrain myself from going back to what I was, what I have the strongest urge to becoming, just to be triggered at the most execrable moment and be reminded of the things I've been told way too many times before to the point of abhorrence towards myself, and to be dragged to where I was when I was the utmost fragile, vulnerable and fucked, has me wondering, who's even there or wants to be when most of them are no different than who they said they weren't or promised to not become.

Despite acknowledging the fact that nobody knows, I wonder why I still get surprise when I'm proven right. I can't seem to find the answers to why no matter how many times it has happen there always seem to be a point in the duration of knowing a person where I genuinely believe in them, thinking that they might just be different although deep in my heart I know that nobody ever is for as long as it's with me. It's never really them now is it, it has only ever been me. I think it's time to go back to the home I've lost but I can't seem to find it no more so I guess I'll just get lost. Besides, it's not like I have ever belonged.

Every stop, stops becoming home.

-riri-