look at me now.

Sunday, 22 April 2012

smile while you can.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

I see her crying, too weak to smile now. Inside she's dying, what could I possibly do now? I wish I could hug her but we're so far away apart. I tell her things will be okay, that we could go through it together. I'm not always gonna be around, I hope she's strong enough to go on. If I were old enough to get my license, I would already drive to her house. The world isn't as cold and cruel as the people living in it. She's young, in need of guidance. All she need is a little attention, for someone to love her. I'm trying my best to make her smile the way she used to. To laugh her ass off instead of crying her lungs out. She believes that there is no more reason for her to live. This is what her so-called friends and lover made her believe in. How could they, this why i trust no one. She's sinking in her tears, choking, struggling to breath. If I could, I would bring her to somewhere new where she could start over, where she could and should be happy.

Life, it knocks us down but we gotta get back up. It gives us obstacles, we just gotta go through it all. It slaps you hard on the face, just keep your head held up, look forward and walk like nothing's wrong. You have the right to live your life to the fullest. Let no one stop you. baby, stick with those who loves you. I am here. I promise that I'll always be. Be us against the world.

yours truly, riri.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

we're left as shells.

You say this is for the best so tell me why does it hurt so bad?

I've lost the people I love, I've lost everything I thought I could hold on to.
the people who still stick with me has lost me, they don't know this person I am now, this person they used to know so well about.

Dear everyone, anyone at all, take this from me: never, ever, make someone your everything 'cause once they leave you you'd be left with nothing.

I hate how it's hard for me to trust someone but when I do, I trust them with my life and love them with all my heart. I cherish them, I make them my everything but in the end, it's the same thing, people change, people lie, people get betray by the ones who trust them the most at times. I once made someone my everything, that person came at the most unexpected time, the time I needed that person the most, which, was a good thing. Unfortunately, that person left the same way. Leaving me hanging with hopes that one day that person might come back. I felt lost, I felt cold, I felt like an idiot to be so devastated but this is life, my life. I get used to it. I complain but I don't actually care, I'm happy when I'm sad, I get sad when I'm happy. Who would've thought that just one person could change your whole perspective of how you see life as it is. Here I am to be blamed. I knew what I was getting into, I listened to my heart and this is what I get. Still, things happens for a reason. 

But this person, this person is the main reason why I'VE CHANGED.

I hate the person I have become but I do not have enough strength and willpower to change myself into who I was before. I don't know how to express my feelings, even worst, I don't know how to actually talk to people nowadays. I've been worst than worst. I've neglected and abandon those who loves and care about me the most but who is there to be blame? I don't know what have gotten into me. I no longer trust anyone, I have stop believing in everything I once used to believe in. Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to change everything, someone I used to have, someone that would prove me wrong. Yes, exactly.

yours truly, riri.

how could i?

I just can't let it out anymore.

The last time I cried my lungs out was on the 15th of November. I never knew I had so much tears waiting to fall on my oh so puffy-full-of-pimples cheeks. It was just so hard to stop that time. Now, I can't even shed a tear. I think I might just have dried them all out. They say sometimes crying makes you feel a lot better, one of the reasons would be because you let everything out. By everything I mean mostly the pain that you just can't stand no more. If I were able to cry for every shitty thing that have caused my oh-so-fragile-heart so much cracks since that day I last cried, I could make this country drown in tears but, what fun would that be eh? I've got reasons why I should smile still. Like to still be alive, for instance.

My life's great. I am problem-free. Except for the fact that I have this indescribable feeling in me that is slowly killing me inside. I am not as bubbly and hyper as I used to be. I am at times but, it's different now. I've pushed everybody away, I've hurt myself but at the same time likes that I am doing so. As days past by I find myself getting a little bit more insane. All I need now is guidance, support, I need someone who'll actually be there for me, who comes and stays not leaves me after I've got totally head over heels for them. I just want the things I've lost, the people that have promised to stay, the joy I no longer get, the glow I used to have in my face.

yours truly, riri.

success gift.


 This was all I need to make my day.

I know I haven't been as hyper and happy as I used to. I don't get too excited about anything at all like I used to with the shouting and the jumping and the being annoying and all. He called yesterday telling me how he loved the shirts I bought him which literally made me smile to my ears. Who would've thought that I FINALLY did something right there. It took me hours of walking and searching and thinking of what could be just the oh-so-perfect present for him and never knew what I chose would actually be what he wanted. It's just so overwhelming. It's just, the last time I gave him a present which I thought he would love a lot was actually something he would rather not wear. Well I was still young back then. Things changed. Just this really means a lot to me. Oh the bliss in seeing someone happy with what you give.

yours truly, riri.

Friday, 20 April 2012

too normal almost fake..

It's been awhile,
life is great now that no one knows me. It's calm. I could do whatever I want without even caring of what people might think of me. As hard as it is for me to admit, life for me has gotten boring. Maybe it's just me. Everything is just so normal that it isn't at all. Once again I feel like we are all acting. Everybody's the main character, we are all doing things right but the thing is, there's no sparks, no colours. Is it me? Since when did life became so meaningless. I've gotten more lifeless than I could ever imagine. To say that I feel empty, is an understatement. It's more than just that, it's something deeper. Oh how I wish I could just move away and have a fresh start. Forget about everything in the past that brought me to this flustering circumstance.

yours truly, riri.

Thursday, 19 April 2012


I am not broken, worst, I am dead.
I pray to Allah that things will get better. I pray for me to be happier.
My mum, my sis, my brother, rara, they're the only ones I got.
It's easy to smile but hard to feel. Monotonous on most days to be frank.

I've been feeling so - oh I don't know what feeling is this called again, despair? Devastated? Insane? Or just nothing at all that you could find in the dictionary? I feel as if the dead-old-me has come back to life and possessed me to being this girl I once thought I would never end up to be again. At moments like this, I realised, that I'm alone. Why shouldn't I be, eh? I deserve to be this way. Isn't this some bullshit for you? They say bestfriends are those who you can go to when you're at your lowest or on those happy moments, it's someone you can trust, that you can talk with about anything at all but seriously, how am I supposed to believe this? Maybe it's true that I am at fault here. When you keep pushing people away, they leave, eventually. Boo to me, serves me right.

I'm just timid. Afraid to face everything I once faced before. I don't wanna risk getting hurt badly, bleeding inside. They say in the end you're gonna be alone anyway so I'm preparing myself for it. I don't know, I just can't handle being alone but I am also tired of getting backstabbed by the person I trust again and again and again. Who am I supposed to talk to now? Who would actually listen? There's people who would, I know. Just, I can't open up to people anymore. It's so difficult that it's killing me. My brain says no but my heart says sure, go on. Both with pros and cons. If I listen to my brain, follow my mind, I'll hurt but will soon get used to it (maybe). Listens to heart and I'll be happy again for awhile, hurts in the end. Guess you know what I'd choose already. No secret, so obvious.

yours truly, riri.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

together we stand.

I am not with you now, I might barely be with you, by sight but remember, there in your heart I'll always be there as long as you remember me the way I remember you.

We are far away. We don't always get to meet. Despite the fact that we are different in so many ways, we still understand each other. Even when we don't, we try to. I know you are in pain, I know I might just be a little bit insane but, I need you the way you need me and I promise I'll always be here for you. I know I might not get to help you with everything but I'll try my best to. You are my one and only, without you who am I? You're part of my everything so when you hurt, I hurt more. To see you happy is all I want and I know you want the same for me but baby in life there's obstacles. There's ups and downs. I wish I could be there for you when you're sad to make you laugh and to turn that frown upside down. You are beautiful in so many ways and like I've said before, if the ones you love can't see that in you then leave. You deserve better. You know no one knows you the way I do right? We're on the same boat here. People we love are leaving, bestfriends becoming strangers, lovers turning to haters, despite all this, we have each other, do remember. I promise you, things will get better. I'll never leave. Mark my words. 

yours truly, riri.

a mess.

There are times when I feel like things will only get better when I am not in the picture.

At this point, I grew up becoming someone that no one but myself has expected to be. There are times when I look at myself and think; I've screwed up, no one will ever love someone like me. There are times when I'm like; hey I'm strong, I was born to be somebody, I can go on yes. I've gotten worst. I was raised to be better than this but now, I am the disappointment. Don't ever dare to blame my parents for all the wrong things I've become. Who would've thought right? I did, I saw it coming. A lazy-no-good-rebellious-anti-social-troublemaker. 

There's times when I get so freak out I start to hate everyone around me, even myself. There's times when I don't have enough of a backbone to care. I'm not alone I know, there are teenagers out there that go through the same things as I do, even worst even. It's just, you'd be lucky to find someone you can trust and share all these things to. It's just sad to feel so alone when you have friends. I would always be that girl yknow, that stubborn-never gets tired of getting scold even when she hates so, little brat. It's that one thing I need the most, that motivation that I lost. I find myself lost at times. People I love, they're turning their backs on me but, it's not their fault. Not entirely I mean. 

I've been walking for so long so tell me why is it that I'm still here and not home? The familiar faces I no longer see, the joy I cannot feel. Dear self, wake up before it's too late. This nightmare is eating you alive.

yours truly, riri.

because no one saved me.

A day I could never forget, a year I find so hard to handle. APRIL 20

It all started when I was 10. He left me, my only motivation, the person I love the most, gone. Never to be seen again. I regretted what I didn't do,what he asked me to. I changed 360 degrees. no,not the good kind of change. No one could have understand how I was feeling, not my parents, not my bestfriend, not anyone. People said I was overacting, exaggerating, me being a drama queen and all, no one was surprised. I was on a journey to find the real me, the old me, the 'me' I lost on the day he left but I was alone, weak and so fragile. I couldn't go on by my own, I gave up. I have never been a good kid, always the ungrateful spoiled brat.

I was an idiot, I've been this way for way too long. If I could change, if I knew I would but, it's too late and here's the lesson I got. All I needed back then was a little attention. I was, might just have been, an attention seeker, I supposed. No one knows what I hid deep beneath my smile. It isn't pain, its more than that, this time it's different. This time it's indescribable. It's a secret I cannot tell anyone.

yours truly, riri.