look at me now.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

no longer yours.

And if you have to ask about her day,
and state of health,
about her life,
all that she once would willingly,
tell you herself,
she is no longer yours.

And if you are left confuse,
with questions unanswered,
more questions to ask discovered,
with silence as the verdict,
whether it is a her or a him,
then you have lost both (him/her).

Does it bother you the day you realise you have to ask questions yourself, building conversations or there will be none? She no longer bothers for your attention or to lit up your mood, brighten up your day with good news of her achievements and compliments of and from everyone else. She no longer waits for you to come home or mind if you don't. And if you have to keep on asking when you never did before, you know your thoughts no longer have an affect on her. No longer your favourite well-known little girl. At one point you might get sick of what she's become, or maybe it is just your insecurities and fear of losing respect that you try to deny by getting mad at her for the faults she has never done. Does she shift awkwardly away and find reasons to not breathe the same air as you are at the moment? Avoids you with reasons unsaid as she pretends to be asleep or doing what seems way more significant than to spend time with you. It's not always a "she", it could be a "he" according to whoever that feels the same or notice such similarities. It's not the right thing or will it ever even fix, to regret over what you once did when you know how it would end and of what it would do.

Take a mirror and have a stare,
she is no longer yours.


Saturday, 28 June 2014

just a call.

*fades in to a couple months ago*
He takes one thing,
He replaces it with better.

This could've been in malay but the cheesiness of it belongs to only one, and we wouldn't want to ruin that. I was thinking of my last resort, if maybe this would be the day. To go although I know better not to. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what you do, the mistakes are yours to learn from and if it happened, wasn't it because it was meant to?

Eyes opened to a familiar feel, a kind of atmosphere with a pinch of nostalgia I never was very keen of. Except it was in a different house, a real home, I was younger of course, braver definitely. No obvious tears despite the dampness of my cheeks that says otherwise. Forget it, I thought. I sneaked out of the room for the phone, dialled my number one with a heavy heart I proceeded. Her voice was what soothe my state of being as honesty made its way through my eyes and casual conversation starters drop deep. It's astonishing how the right people can be able to turn you back to who you were; helping you out of your armour. They put it down to heal your wounds, for goodbyes to all the bruises you never had a second look at. Ignorant for your own good.

Next, it was down to my one and only. I hear the dial wishing he would pick up, half of me hoping that he wouldn't but - "Hello?" - he did. He obviously didn't recognise the voice on the other line and I wasn't surprise or did I had time or consciousness to get upset about it. Especially not when I notice his voice lowering into a softer tone. It's always hard at first, but he was there. I felt bad that nothing was really being said initially although it came around to me after awhile, still I found calmness in the silence we shared. I felt a curved moving slightly upwards and back down on my face. It's not always when your eyes are heavy that you speak of the truth. It wasn't always about midnight with us, it's when your heart is heavy and you have no one or nowhere else to turn to, that you realise the one you shouldn't be fearful of, the one who have seen it all and wouldn't mind seeing more was there all along right in front of you. Standing still waiting for you to notice.

It was just a phone call,
that saved my life.


using and used.

"And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won't exist."

Friday, 27 June 2014

fake you out.

I have committed
Dirty dirty crimes that are perfectly form-fitted
To what I've done and what I'm doing
I'm brewing and losing and spewing infusing
And believe me that's what all the kids are doing
What kids are doing are killing themselves
They feel they have no control of their prisoner's cell
And if you're one of them then you're one of me
And you would do almost anything just to feel free...
Am I right? Of course I am
Convince me otherwise would take all night
Before you walk away, there's one more thing I want to say
Our brains are sick but that's okay


old bond old trust.

Out of 100, there's always a 50 percent chance of me going back to those who once I let in, to those who once let me in. Whoever who was nice enough to be there and cared enough to care, one way or another I would end up going back to for just one last conversation. Every time, without knowing which would be the next time but sure of a next time.

Lee, out of everyone I knew he would never have said no. Although he did, with a reason legit enough for me to let aside. We go back to talking like I was the big sister looking over my little baby brother, no matter how old he has aged; this time it was quite the opposite. My age was stapled on my forehead for him to put his hand on, pet, and in relief be the bigger man. With words once used on him, he said meant for me. It made complete sense, sense of which I could've consider myself but at that moment, some days and time, I stop making sense or find logic in the usual. Days where my mind stops working just to let out the crazy in me. I didn't find myself worthy of such honesty and help but I never forgot what I was given, how I was treated and the amount of times I asked forgiveness. I couldn't thank you enough.

After all this time,
never did he forget,
neither regret,
but cared and still care.


Sunday, 22 June 2014

"i must forewarn you of my condition".

Having a disorder, or mental illness, or blood behind your eyes and sounds of screams running through your rocket speed tears, whispers in your sleep with guns inside your head with bullets bouncing from the walls of the inner side back and forth up and down all around, is one thing.

Telling someone about it is another.
To your loved ones the hardest. Leaving you with mixed feelings. Between the relief of letting it out and having to maybe say goodbye to a part of you. Between the sympathy and agony in seeing their face drop as they wonder where they did wrong, looking back at all the times they took what they saw lightly, or never had guess even a clue of what was happening and satisfaction of leaving them standing corrected for all the times they accused you of doing it on purpose just to flip them off. Between taking the risk of being told you have lost your mind once again, that this is you and your made up problem, that you are pretending for attention and actually getting the empathy you deserve following by the slight chance of recovery. Between getting better and never going back and getting better with your fate in the future beholds a big sign stating "relapse" at one point. They say if you never try you'll die wondering but is the risk worth the ending?

At one point everyone gives up and you would too if you were handed such a task but sometimes it isn't for us to decide, this kind of mistake that has no u-turn, the kind that has an impact on your life that lasts. Not being able to do anything about it but to grow with it or out of it with help or on your own. For people to worry and for me to end making them feel unworthy or useless by what I have been doing or has been happening to myself, is too much to swallow. Having them to take so much time of their day to check up on you, just so you wouldn't do anything beyond their comprehension. All these while you have lied to them after they trusted you, just to save them from you to end being the one who killed their hopes and form of thinking and beliefs. How could it not get worst, than to self loathe for the one thing you thought you did right just because you were doing it for everyone else? Sometimes the hardest things to say or do are the ones worth it, they say.

What more to be timid of? Maybe, the thought of acknowledging the fact that they can't comprehend the things you explain to them or find the logic in what you've been doing, to be such a burden once again the way you always had and money money money you're using up all of it leave some for us!! and stop. Stop the voices in your head. Anxious over made up thoughts. Though it's true. Day 1 they check up on you, oh please please I hope you're okay. Day 2 they check up on you, god I can't lose you stay with us. Day 3 they check up on you, I hope you're doing okay I love you. Day 4, day 5, day what? What day? What who? Who what? Who knows? No one does.

That is how people care, the kind of care you're afraid of. As days pass by, their affection and attention and love causes so much positivity on you to one point when they assume how you're okay now, that you are good. That they can leave it be & treat you the way they did as you fall back to the same old pattern and it saddens you, the disheartening thought and feel of how you are only significant or seem so when you are on the edge or have the highest possibility of losing your life and others losing you, only then they reach out to you. Above all the only thing you're scared of is finding out that it doesn't matter, the way it does to you, the way everyone is to you because this too shall pass although to you it won't, to them it will always.

So we, and I, we sit still,
contemplating, going back and forth,
staggering to the same spot we start,
and we struggle
we struggle
we struggle.


Friday, 20 June 2014

*savours every bit*

Don't you say the words you've been keeping in
for every single time I do wrong
to come back to me hours later
acting like you're sorry
as if you should be forgiven
just because I would always forgive you.

Don't you lie through your teeth
with eyes that scatter around the walls and back at me
just to get mad at me for every time I wasn't true
as if you weren't the one to have taught me
all the things I do.

Don't you praise me, cherish me
to then erase me from all the good
to throw me in the bad just so you could have someone to blame
just so you could feel mighty and right and proud
just to feed your repulsive ego.

Don't you care about me, 
to one day call upon me and my mistakes
yelling to my face while you push me down
to tell me I'm just another burden
as if I am not worthy to be given life
when it's you that have brought me to where I am today.

To apologize, or not at all in the end
going on pretending nothing ever happened
yet still treating me coldly
expecting me to be friendly
to smile and laugh along at your jokes
after all the obnoxious things you said and hurtful things you did


tangled up.

All the stress and silent slow suicide is making my hair fall hence giving me the oh so very strong urge to cut my hair short, bleach it all to the colour white so I could dye my hair a different colour every month to the damage I've done upon myself, cutting it every now and then when I'm fed up. As if there's nothing to it. As if I can't really care more about me.


goals without beliefs.

I just want to move to another country where I can wear all the clothes I have everyday without excessive sweating or weird stares (still I doubt) and get shoes and clothes for prices that used to only buy me mineral water and bread here where I am. With a buddy with me, taking walks almost everyday taking photos and random videos. Not to forget finally collecting the lomos I've been eying on and using up all the film on us and whatever that comes to sight. At the end of each month new photos will be hung upon our walls, around our apartment. Collecting cactuses, have a pet chinchilla. We could be trying out food, maybe organic ones this time because of my mental state. Or not. Trying flavours of Sobranie. That kind of life. We can work here and there whatever comes knocking at our doorstep. God it would be hard but we have each other and I hope we always do because that's all that matters. Living in a world we have no care of because we're too intoxicated in our own. Behind glass walls we observe them all, trying to reach out for conversations but they're far too busy with the life they choose to live, the kind where you don't live.

But it's never that easy, isn't it now?


Tuesday, 17 June 2014

cliché girlfriend post.

I would say things have been bad but what totally overpowers that thought would be what's been getting better. Who had been making it better to be frank. I know I've been saying this a lot one moment and denying it the next but whatever happens I've been really glad it was with or would be with him. No regret for the brilliant sweetheart he is.

These butterflies and cliche words that describes him in my head and those thoughts and daydreams I've been having. Not to mention the often surprise visit in my dreams at night. I'm stuck here thinking god how did I get so lucky and I knew this was just our time. This is our moment. No overthinking this time. We don't want to ruin it. I don't want it to be left dead. I want this so much more than recovery.

What is a part of me now is the hardest to get rid off but he makes it okay for it to stick around. It's not about throwing it away but living with it without letting it have full control over you. And having someone who doesn't mind to live it with you. More than anything I just want this to lasts. While it's still happening, I'm just going to live the moment. So much love and giddiness bursting from within and feelings I'm getting back. However dreadful it sounds this is worth it no matter what I say after, I know this is worth it.


Sunday, 8 June 2014

my piece of heaven, my lot of hell.

I only restrain myself, to become stable and normal,
to break down at the end of the week and ruin everything.

My sweetheart there, but not enough and I don't have the right to judge. So close but so far away, too far away yet so close. Nothing is as complicated as the sense I make but that's only because I can't make people see the sense in what doesn't make any. My love now too deep but wounded, cracks open for negativity, jealousy, insecurity and anxiety and fear to enter. I'm going down with my mental. To believe you are wide awake and existing gets harder when everything seems like a dream subconsciously telling you that it would end when you believe it will last forever to switch both thoughts back and forth and the hardest part is deciding which to believe. And I know why I am the way I am and I know what triggers me but I could never say because what I say would leave me breathless and alone. What I have in my head would make them leave out of tiredness in compromising with me and the immaturity of how I feel for not letting myself live life as a kid full time when I was one just to be responsible gets me a bit off hand and I become a handful. Some things I can't say because I once said and it either makes no difference which lesson I have learn from or I am tired of repeating myself that I have become so used of "letting it go". I cannot regret the words I've never said but the pain is the same as the things I've done and said. I wish you could understand but you can't. I can't blame anyone because this is not a responsibility or a must, I'm just another face in the crowd you walk pass by. I'm just another familiar face you never bother to study.

It hurts how it is but even more painful to know if I let him go things won't ever be the same. I love him the way he can't see or understand. A mixture of the struggle of making myself feel worth self love by loving others unconditionally and again, far, I'm sorry.

-riri- fr

i don't understand either.

I know how we are, and where we stand in each others life.
But there are days where it feels like I am nothing. These days come often.

I get back up straight away but these few weeks I've been blocking, ignoring and neglecting my feelings enough to be denial to the fact that I don't have any, but like everything else there's always that breaking point. They say it's never healthy to want or need and feel too much but it's even more deadly to be the opposite. I probably have lost too much to be holding on to more new comers. I get so insecure and sad of losing it I feel like no matter what I do, it's going to anyway one day. Knowing I'm not the same anymore rises up the risk of me going to that state of situation. I could change back now but I can't. I am still all at once it's so hard to comprehend. So afraid of losing her but not worthy enough for her to stay with I want her to leave because I hurt everything I get involved with by being me. Wishing it would be normal for them to but they can't even say and I know I wouldn't mind anything from them but to become who I was by having the same feelings I have had back then, is dreadful and blood-curdling. Then again, with new people in, I'm constantly stuck between being cold,heartless or live life and feel it all even if it is too much.

All goes down to one conclusion, the fear of not being needed. Things have changed and I'm not as nice as the mean I was, but meaner; the meanest I could be. The thought of how unworthy I am of what I get leads me to hurting people and expecting much at the same time it's mind blowing. It could even be jealousy mixed with paranoia and the anxiousness and the self esteem I've lost when it comes to things like this. The only thing that is crucial, that makes it so hard is wanting them in my life. That's when all feeling of all hell let loose. I can't save everyone, but I could try make the ones I have feel what I didn't or once did.

-riri- f

bound over the old times.

I hate getting what I don't deserve, It brings up the guilt and self loathe in me. But you get what you give out the even if not from the sam person you give it to. The world isn't always unfair if you change your point of view. Sometimes it tries so hard to become fair to you and everyone else. Like the hidden side of the moon, you need to figure it out yourself.

I'm always a phone call away but no one ever calls.
"drop me ur no. in dm, I will call you the second I have it no kidding"

It started from a friendship, to a mistake, to overwhelming kindness. I will never know why love someone like me. I get the people I've been with but not this kind from people I barely talk to. I find it unfair in some ways. It still amazes me. He keeps trying to help and I so badly try to not let him in yet somehow he knows so much by the things I've once said and the things I write he reads, it's flustering to me. The way he straights away wants to know what's wrong, asks about me and the need to call me right away just because he knows I need it is rather sajhdjafbjf. Some people do that out of guilt, some people do things because they are told to but it is so rare for someone to do one thing and put up with me willingly. I warn everyone before they decide to stay in. Some people are just meant to be. Truthfully, I'm sorry for that.

-riri- l

making sense.

When you left, I let you go. When you cheated, I swallowed my disappointment. When you came back, I opened my arms to you. When you did too much, I let you be. I let you leave. Everything happens for a reason I would tell myself the way I would always do. I wondered what your reason was.

He kept coming back, no boastful stories here. I am not proud nor am I insulting. I just knew I tried so hard once and I always will for the people I love. It's still strange, how every time something happens as some feelings come back to life, he is always the one there appearing from nowhere at that very moment. As if it was planned that way, every time. It never bothered me, I never cared whether he was or wasn't but I replied either way because I know him and I don't know how things are or how it could be enough to make him talk to me again. I'm always there if anyone needed me to be. The way people usually aren't when I need them the most. Some days so hard to get through yet most days I could overcome alone which explains why I never do need anyone if I didn't want to and on the days where I do, I just want them to be there, to be a part of me so I could put my trust in them; to depend on them. Still, people don't understand. When I decide not to need them is equivalent to me not wanting them, in other means- Im cutting you off.

8 June, it happened once again.
Though not in the same way it usually does.

It was a picture with a quote on it. A kind I've seen before. Suddenly it made sense why he left- he hasn't. Sometimes you get so scared of what you're not sure of you just chicken out. That's the opposite of what I would do, I either never get involve or stay as long as I could even when it scares the shit out of me. We talked, and I was told to be someone kind and loyal. I laughed a little. The past is the past I was told, true but just because it happened once doesn't mean it's impossible to occur again. Not that I want it to, it still means you can opt to believing. He stopped, and told me how I was important. It felt nice knowing. The way I've always wondered because he made it seem like so, so long ago just to leave my mind boggled up to thinking nothing was ever true. It has always been the lack of self-esteem in him he said, which led him going back and forth but never really letting the whole thing go. Moving forward, I was told of how I am everything he wanted, that I was so lucky being so but it's too late to say. I agree on how there's nothing we could do now but it's never too late to do or say what's right. Of being socially awkward and depress, he never bothered, he accepted that fact from the start. There was something in me he saw that he didn't want to lose. He made it clear. Society wants someone like me, smooth words I thought. But he said it in pure honesty and sincerity.

"Siapa dapat kahwin dengan you I rasa dia lucky sangat."
he said.

Lately I've been getting answers to my left-hanging questions. Things like these always gets me touched not because of the words I've always wanted to hear but when it was being said and how. There's a difference when hearing things like this because it was normal to be said or said out of happiness and empty promises than when it is said further apart from that. When you've been distant for long enough for them to rethink their past with you or at times when it becomes the most realest and honest things said over what you did or have done, you know it's not another white lie. That they mean it. That's all I ever craved for, the truth. When things are said upon feelings there instead of the feelings that should be there. Honesty and sincerity. People don't really do that anymore. These days so many are encourage by what they are told instead of what they know and are sure of. I don't want that.

-riri- z

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

verdict awaits.

A lot has happened lately and so much I would like to jot down but with the obstacles coming at me, I rarely get the chance to. Mostly over how I keep forgetting at the end. Bright side is, this is what they meant when you get through things and that it won't last. Exhibit A: as my reason above, it's often at that very moment you feel one thing and would rush to react to it but before you do, take a second to rethink about it: would it matter after awhile? Sometimes yes and other times, quite the contrary. There are things that just walks pass you leaving you with a scratch or two but never really hurts as much as you dread it. You'll be alright.

Here's to the only story/event I remember: I've posted out my little gift to my dearest baby. Yeah I was imagining an actual baby there but neh. Everything is in that pandora bomb box to me, holding the fate of life to me after it has all been read and appreciate or dispose (of the person's choice). What happens next, happens. Of course decisions are lead, guided and influence by what is written and feelings present by then. Let's hope things get better for me. I only have and need one choice left, either it improves or get lost because I am not going to dedicate myself on what would go to waste in the end. Still, it was worth it. Worth the try and lesson, whichever goes first-

Everything else, depends.