i don't understand either.

I know how we are, and where we stand in each others life.
But there are days where it feels like I am nothing. These days come often.

I get back up straight away but these few weeks I've been blocking, ignoring and neglecting my feelings enough to be denial to the fact that I don't have any, but like everything else there's always that breaking point. They say it's never healthy to want or need and feel too much but it's even more deadly to be the opposite. I probably have lost too much to be holding on to more new comers. I get so insecure and sad of losing it I feel like no matter what I do, it's going to anyway one day. Knowing I'm not the same anymore rises up the risk of me going to that state of situation. I could change back now but I can't. I am still all at once it's so hard to comprehend. So afraid of losing her but not worthy enough for her to stay with I want her to leave because I hurt everything I get involved with by being me. Wishing it would be normal for them to but they can't even say and I know I wouldn't mind anything from them but to become who I was by having the same feelings I have had back then, is dreadful and blood-curdling. Then again, with new people in, I'm constantly stuck between being cold,heartless or live life and feel it all even if it is too much.

All goes down to one conclusion, the fear of not being needed. Things have changed and I'm not as nice as the mean I was, but meaner; the meanest I could be. The thought of how unworthy I am of what I get leads me to hurting people and expecting much at the same time it's mind blowing. It could even be jealousy mixed with paranoia and the anxiousness and the self esteem I've lost when it comes to things like this. The only thing that is crucial, that makes it so hard is wanting them in my life. That's when all feeling of all hell let loose. I can't save everyone, but I could try make the ones I have feel what I didn't or once did.

-riri- f