making sense.

When you left, I let you go. When you cheated, I swallowed my disappointment. When you came back, I opened my arms to you. When you did too much, I let you be. I let you leave. Everything happens for a reason I would tell myself the way I would always do. I wondered what your reason was.

He kept coming back, no boastful stories here. I am not proud nor am I insulting. I just knew I tried so hard once and I always will for the people I love. It's still strange, how every time something happens as some feelings come back to life, he is always the one there appearing from nowhere at that very moment. As if it was planned that way, every time. It never bothered me, I never cared whether he was or wasn't but I replied either way because I know him and I don't know how things are or how it could be enough to make him talk to me again. I'm always there if anyone needed me to be. The way people usually aren't when I need them the most. Some days so hard to get through yet most days I could overcome alone which explains why I never do need anyone if I didn't want to and on the days where I do, I just want them to be there, to be a part of me so I could put my trust in them; to depend on them. Still, people don't understand. When I decide not to need them is equivalent to me not wanting them, in other means- Im cutting you off.

8 June, it happened once again.

Though not in the same way it usually does.

It was a picture with a quote on it. A kind I've seen before. Suddenly it made sense why he left- he hasn't. Sometimes you get so scared of what you're not sure of you just chicken out. That's the opposite of what I would do, I either never get involve or stay as long as I could even when it scares the shit out of me. We talked, and I was told to be someone kind and loyal. I laughed a little. The past is the past I was told, true but just because it happened once doesn't mean it's impossible to occur again. Not that I want it to, it still means you can opt to believing. He stopped, and told me how I was important. It felt nice knowing. The way I've always wondered because he made it seem like so, so long ago just to leave my mind boggled up to thinking nothing was ever true. It has always been the lack of self-esteem in him he said, which led him going back and forth but never really letting the whole thing go. Moving forward, I was told of how I am everything he wanted, that I was so lucky being so but it's too late to say. I agree on how there's nothing we could do now but it's never too late to do or say what's right. Of being socially awkward and depress, he never bothered, he accepted that fact from the start. There was something in me he saw that he didn't want to lose. He made it clear. Society wants someone like me, smooth words I thought. But he said it in pure honesty and sincerity.

"Siapa dapat kahwin dengan you I rasa dia lucky sangat."

he said.

Lately I've been getting answers to my left-hanging questions. Things like these always gets me touched not because of the words I've always wanted to hear but when it was being said and how. There's a difference when hearing things like this because it was normal to be said or said out of happiness and empty promises than when it is said further apart from that. When you've been distant for long enough for them to rethink their past with you or at times when it becomes the most realest and honest things said over what you did or have done, you know it's not another white lie. That they mean it. That's all I ever craved for, the truth. When things are said upon feelings there instead of the feelings that should be there. Honesty and sincerity. People don't really do that anymore. These days so many are encourage by what they are told instead of what they know and are sure of. I don't want that.

-riri- z