can't let thursday through.

Catching me off guard, he was there. Holy shit wasn't he ecstatic, he couldn't hide the excitement on his face while I struggled to even feel. A flashback rushed into my mind and some sense knocking from the back of it, I started to remember things I no longer wonder about. I'm not into reliving the past, my feelings aren't meant for anyone but me, my story's unknown, I put on a facade and my heart's mine to care for. I've seen that grin, I've believed things were sincere once, I believed in the existence of nice guys too perhaps, however what was, never really is, so what would be, I find it hard to believe in. 

I didn't ask for this. This isn't for me.

I'm only here to stay, to watch them go. Often than not they do. None proved otherwise and I've got no heart left to let anyone try. I am not me, I am who they've moulded me into, only colder now. Yet I still love, sometimes, maybe, perhaps- one day. I asked why me? He shrugged his shoulders not knowing but I knew, I swear this isn't love, he's just blinded by what he thinks he feels. As so did everyone before him. Love doesn't exist with me. 

So I could never love him.

-riri-

god's magic.

It's funny sometimes how the universe works,
and tremendously amazing how God does it all.

With nothing on my mind, I noticed him.
Somehow, for some reason I saw.
Beside him, there she was-

The rest, history.

With all honesty,
I felt nothing at all the moment I saw,
everything, no more.

-riri-

nothing more, but much more.

Forgive me for the moments I lack emotions,

feelings, sympathy, empathy.

I was built into this.

-riri-

you never answered.

Even if we were arguing, the least you could do is pick up the phone when I need you the way I would bloody do if you ever needed me. Anything could happen anytime that if you wouldn't even do that for me because you somehow felt like it, then don't even bother being with me. I know how it feels like, I've been put at that state, I've been left when all I needed was at least someone, anyone at all, and I'm not in it for this shit. I'm done with that.

-Though I can never say.

-riri-

lets just stay a lie.

Picking up the pieces,
collecting new old people,
creating new tales,
living another life,
the old but now different.

I take the nice, I take the new,
I take the fucked, I take the sad,
I'll take it all including,
you.

I said run, before I run over you.
Run, before I catch you.
Run before I fall,
before I fall for you.
I said run, so that I won't.

Then again I've been loving everyone.
So who the fuck are you?

-riri-

another 5 am.

3 days straight, 2 days great.

These days Sundays, are our days.

Last time it was 3, this time a bit early. I don't know how we start out conversations I just know that I can talk honestly with him. The first time it was about work, the clothes we tried, our boss, the new guy, his car, us getting high, food, a cockroach, the thing going on in front of us we were so eager to know about but had no clue off, the mamak, digi, Manjung, and us cracking up with him being called kafir and pendosa the whole night. Home by 5, we've a party to attend the next day.

There was Emal and Sya, Syafiq and us it was all good until life came around knocking.

I had it covered, I always have to cover. I just wanted tomorrow to come so we could hang again.

8 to 10 and time seemed to be a sloth; we were half dead and starving. Finished our job waited till about 2. I'm a bit fucked up I said. We talked about Emal and Sya, guys, relationships, mosquitoes, the past, what's going to be, durian, Ramadhan, food, yes food, we were starving remember? It was mostly food. Shopping, going on break, dip n dip, chocolates, sweets, coffee, ice cream, Brandon, Nasrul, Starbucks, Coffee Bean, the new guy, the mamak still, yes the mamak still, celebrating the arrival of his car and eulala by kokopelli, stars, the absence of the moon, how hot it was and the night sky.

Since the night I fell on the table all I've been calling today is Nick.

He's probably all I talk about or who I talk to the most these days when he's there.

Laughing at Nick's "mereka" and "kami". We spent about half an hour deciding what to eat just to end up talking about other things then back again at what to eat."Nick jom makan""Jom, mana?" "Mamak jelah yang buka lagi right now. What do you want to eat?" " I don't know I nak nasi you know like food" "I nak nasi goreng tom yam." "What the f is that?" and me explaining until the next time we asked each other again he says he wants nasi goreng tom yam and me rolling my eyes at this guy that had no clue what it was a few minutes ago. Public transport, Bangsar, banana leaf, chocotop, another crack night (morning as he says it) with Nick. One mamak, two McDonalds, 7e, chocolates, ice creams, nasi goreng, maggi sup and lyf3.

"Abang jemput lambat sebab ada Nick. Aku percayakan kau Nick."

Another early sahur. Another 5 am. Another moment to remember. To live for.

-riri-

hook, line & sinking.

They say get to know a person better before deciding to commit.

My mistake's always falling, before I'm sure they're going to be there to catch me.

When I really do, it's never any different.

So screw thes promises I've heard and made.
Things are always going to be the same.

-riri-

misguided ghost.

We lock our doors thinking our ghosts aren't able to seep through if we do, when they do anytime if they want to. That is just what certain people really are. Another ghost you haplessly attempt to lock out of your life thinking they'll never just slip back in to learn that they always do as if you subconsciously wanted them. Put it in the back of your mind as if it's dismissed from you conscious mind, without wholly cutting it off. It goes when you stop believing.

Better off having it cease to exist.

This is never what you needed.

-riri-

could've known better.

Way too many times, you say you're done.

This isn't your job, this shouldn't be happening.

You're losing yourself. You're going to drown.

You're sinking in, dragged back to the hell you once were.

Another crack, suffocating, letting go, you want to go.

You're going to.

You're forgetting that the tighter you hold onto something,

the further it would go once you let go.

They say I'll miss the things I leave behind, but trust me when I say,

I won't, I hadn't, I'd never. Once I get over it, I'll never get back to it.

-riri-

cold feet.

Now I remember why I stopped making friends,
I can never really keep them the way I wish to.
I used to rather not, I wish I hadn't had started again.

-riri-

warmer then, colder now.

16/4/16 Saturday 11:25pm

I take a seat while they pack my cake,

looking around, searching, hoping,

for one nowhere to be found.

It feels so familiar, this void, the cold inside of me,

deeper, bigger, with a sense of longing now,

I so desperately needed to belong.

I need to stop searching for home,

where it never was, where it could never be,

in the arms of a stranger isn't where I belong.

When in the arms of that I know,

one once was home, I'm still all alone.

I never have left, yet it has always found a way to,

this home that I no longer own.

-riri-

nonsense & its sense.

Plans are a form of bullshit in a way at times.

And I've lost another supposed to forever be bestfriend of mine.

-riri-

your mama says.

I got sent back, suddenly remembering.
Forgot it existed, can't believe it happened.

I'm out for hours, come home tired.

I'm out they get bothered, when I'm in they can't stay quiet.

I find a way to be useful, still useless.

Never good enough, never bloody enough they can't see it.

Like a flipped of a switch, it hit me.
Last time you said, you hope I die.
Last time you said, I should've died.
Last time you said, I'm better off dead.
Last time you said, come back.
Last time, I listened.
Last time, I did.

This time I won't.
This time, forget last time
fuck next time.

-riri-

not feeling 22.

The countdown starts,

22 days left before he goes.

22 days before it'll be a bore,

22 days to goodbye,

22 days left,

before my routine ends.

Toodles tea boy.

I'll miss you.

-riri-

10 hours or less.

"You know what Sunway doesn't have that IOI does?"

"What??"

"You."

Here's to my favourite person at work, Nick.
It feels like there isn't even a 4 year gap, like friends that has never met,
but have always known each other. Gossips and laughs, cheers to that.

(and that helping hand he never forgets to lend)
+ for being my ladder hewhew.

-riri-

last october / this april.

 I said I wanted to go far,
 I wanted to go home.
 I wanted to leave.

 Later to have met him.
 A new home.
 Another boy.

 My dream boy.

  -riri-

tea boy.

"Hey can you smile for a moment?"

"Sorry?" as he smiles*

I let out a little laugh.

Perfect.

-riri-

my babe.

1.32am

6 April 2016

Not anyone's babe even if I "babe" them.
Though somewhat, somehow, your babe.
Only your babe.

Him and the face I'd lick,

wouldn't mind getting lost with.

Puppy dog, your little pet, purr purr

whatever the fuck you want baby boy.

My dream boy.

-riri-

a to d.

The decency- god I love this one.

Smile again, stone cold all warm.

Who taught you'd noticed someone's smile the same way. Even when he stops to take a breather, either he's tired or something's going on you could tell, if you pay attention enough. Thinking I could make him happy, I'm down to make it happen. Funny how it comes so suddenly. I'd be good and bad just to him. He could be the one I'd give it all to without a second thought. Something about him, that makes it feel like I'm back to being thirteen. I asked for once, I guess this could be different.

I come around to eat, 

just to see you serving.

-riri-

a new feel.

I saw him today, funny how it reminds me of-
Awhile after I thought, my David Archuleta's better.
He serves tea and smiles at me, this guy doesn't.
Though we still look at each other.

I'm kind of done with all this takdir bullshit.
Go for it or let it slip away.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll go there again,
a hi and a "I'd like one caramel cheese cake",
a smile and a "thank you",
see you again soon.

I've seen you before.
I've been here before.
I've been yours at a point.

(and I know you'll be there.)

-riri-