look at me now.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

for the sake of all that's left.

Suddenly I was brought back to when we first met.
How he looked back then versus the looks in his eyes today-

Everyone thinks I'm still hook on that but in all honesty I've never been so at awe at the transition of how it all came to be. Despite everything happening directly to me, I've been feeling as if I have been watching it all occurring to someone else up from above- disconnected regardless of every connection. This all means beyond much to me, more than words could possibly explain, the things only known when felt. I hope he understands, that this could take awhile to. He doesn't know what he really is to me. All I see are all the possibilities I am afraid to receive but I am trying. Pulling out all the stops to still have everyone here, before I forget that I need to be too. Slowly spiralling out of my mind, my old house is calling. I miss home but I've lost touch with it. Hoping I don't go back to where I was now that I have more. But I'm too occupied with all that I don't know.


Monday, 1 May 2017


Being left and seeing people leave hasn't gotten any easier.
Even when he always comes back.

It is what it is when your home isn't a house and your house has never been home. I hate Mondays that feel like lonely Sundays, when everyone's at home but it feels like no one is. Waking up to someone getting ready to go or waking up early to be the one to, every step heavier- don't think about it. I thought about it and each time it all goes back to me. My head it argues in silent, every conclusion the same; how I was never meant for this. I should be on my own but no one ever made it felt like I exist in my own skin until I met him. I'd blame how I was raised but he brings every vulnerability in me out. I still get teary but my home should be where I am and I'm to stay behind. Don't ask, I wouldn't answer. Every word is a lump in my throat set to trigger every tear I hold in. Though I know my eyes are loud enough to pierce through him.

Body stone cold, inside I'm blazing. 
Don't go but I want you to.