nothing.

Maybe I am, nothing more than this.

Is it too late to turn back time and just restart?

Why is that I feel as if there is no hope left for me,

as if I'm utterly useless.

Where is that dreamer who never gave up even when she had reasons to?

Where is that perky kid who believed that there is more to life than this, that the shit she goes through are just temporary, that soon they'd be rainbows and unicorns and crap like that.

Guess I've lost that. I feel dead to myself. Who am I? What am I?

They're looking down on me.
They see me as this problematic kid who have a strong hatred feeling towards school and homeworks, focusing on what's not important, neglecting the thought of her future, taking things for granted, rebelling on what she should not. Looking at me as if the only thing I have in my messed up mind is love, boys and having fun. How ignorant. 

Is there really no one left in this world who knows me the way no one else does?

yours truly, riri.

prohibition.

I wish I had her blessings unfortunately it's seemingly impossible.

Don't give up on us, I beg. We still have time. We still have each other. We still have trust. We still have those sweet memories, those promises. Don't you remember?

Baby, by now I bet you are/have reading/read this.

We seem so distant from each other nowadays. No one is at fault but somehow I feel like this is a little bit of my fault. When we look back on who we were when we were together, it doesn't make any sense how we could end up this way. The things we've done together, the things we've shared and told each other, everything was a miracle back then. I was enchanted to meet you. We were each others definition of a perfect friendship. We were each others 'everything'. You've always been there for me. You listened to my rants and complaints and you never get tired of lending me a helping hand. We were so tight.

Just so you know, I cherish our friendship. I don't wanna walk away I really don't. I'm sorry if I haven't been such a good friend. Sorry that I don't text or call you every time you come home. We haven't actually really like talked to each other for so long. Sad how we haven't meet for nearly 7 months when we're not even that far away from each other. Sometimes it's like you're here on earth and I'm stuck here in mars. You don't know how much I'm dying to meet you, to talk again and laugh our ass off at stupid yet hilarious random jokes. Those silly faces you always make, I miss a lot.

It's hard, to be like before when my parents don't like the idea of us being friends. Not knowing how you've saved my life and how you're the reason why I started to go back to school, they think you're the bad influence. I beg for your forgiveness for behalf of their ignorance. You're altruistic, yes you are. Too bad they can't see you the way I see you. The only reason we still haven't meet again is because I don't wanna have a row with my mum again. I always do when I talk about you. You've done so much for me, you think I'd just leave you like that without a fight?

No matter what anyone says, you'll always be my bestfriend. That is, unless, you decide that it's time for us to take different paths, of course. People don't get why I still hold on. People don't get why this means so much to me, why you mean so much to me. I might be too late but at least I have told you what I've been dying to. I haven't change, i'm still this annoying silly girl who loves you. I'm still that girl you cheered up at school the day I was so down with no one to talk to with the urge of hurting myself. The things I state here aren't enough to describe how I feel about us and about how my parents are reluctant to hear me out and search the good in you instead of pointing out the bad.

I know, you have new friends, bestfriends but even so, I know you still haven't forget completely about me. You know me, I don't have much friends that's worth being friends with. I'm complicated but you get that. You get me and I appreciate that. God willing when I'm married and have kids of my own, I'll tell them the tales of how we worked this friendship out even when it almost fell apart. I don't know if we're on the same boat here, hoping you'd tell me that we are.

yours truly, riri.

how can you not admit?

How can you admit what you can't admit?

It'd be a lie to say no one cares. It'd be a lie to say that no one loves her. It'd be a lie to say that she's hurt. It'll be a lie to say no one wants her. It's a lie to say she got no friends. It's a lie to say she's got a huge problem.

BUT STILL,

she feels like no one actl cares to care a bit more. To care enough to ask her what her problem is until she express it all out or to make her feel comfortable enough to actually spill it all out. It's just she doesn't know how to put the things that messes up her mind into words/a proper sentence. She knows that there's people out there who loves her but you know there's times in life when you feel like killing yourself just to see who'd cry over your death, to see who really loves you and at times she knows some people love her but all she wants is for the person she loves to loves her the way she loves that person. She's not hurt physically, mentally or even emotionally just, she's tired, of everything. To say that no one wants her would obviously be a lie but she feels unwanted. She sees people becoming friends and staying as friends, as a group, as a gang, happy knowing that none of them wanna lose each other while here she is feeling as if she's and outsider, the third person, just barging in on other people's friendship searching for the friends of her life. To say that she has no friends or bestfriends would be the most unsuitable choices of words. She has them just, it's more to an acquaintance than friends. Not knowing who her bestfriend is anymore or if anyone thinks her of a bestfriend, confuse and scared to admit that she feels so alone even when she's surrounded by so-called bestfriends. She doesn't have a huge problem just, she's her own mess. Screwing herself up and making things more complicated for herself.

 Now who will save her, she keeps asking herself.

yours truly, riri.

strong person, fragile heart.

She's just another not so typical, typical girl who hides the pain behind her smile and laugh at random shit to eased the pain.

She is by far one of the most strongest girl I've known. Altruistic, that's her. Too concern about others, neglecting herself. Helping people when she herself needs help. Trying her best to make others happy as she forgets that she, herself needs happiness too. Always been taken for granted, always been unappreciated however she still smiles and act like one day it'll turn out okay, as if one day people would change and treat her the right way.

I look at her every time, feeling guilty. Being unable to save her or at least change that smile to a real one without the bitterness in between. I haven't even been able to save myself, to help my messed-up self, how could I ever try and help someone else? She's always been there for me but I keep pushing her away. I keep things from her, the way she keeps things from me. Deep inside I know how she feels, I could see it through her eyes.

The story she tells from every move she makes, reminds me of who I used to be. I adore her, I find her beautiful in every aspect, I wish she thought the same way of herself too. She is an amazing person but people are just too ignorant to realise it. I wish I was able to change her life, I wish I was able to give her all that she wants and deserve but i'm just human, I'm just a kid who still is struggling to get an A for Math. She needs attention, she needs someone she feels comfortable to talk to, she should be loved more. She's the girl you would regret leaving.

Here's to Demmy, my love. I hope you'll be okay. I hope you stay strong and when you feel like things are falling apart as if you're about to break, I'll be here. However, I can't promise you. I often walk away from people I love. Soon I'll just be another distant memory and you'll be happier, god willing. I want you to stop holding back. You're all grown up. You should take a stand for yourself. You should know that the only people who tries to bring you down are the ones who aren't content with their own life. 

You deserve better. You're one in a million. People like you are rare like gems. There's no copy, you're an original. You're worth it.

yours truly, riri.

preposterous, they say.

Maybe it's time for me to bail out?

I know, I've been ignoring the people who actually cares about me, who actually wants to be there for me. Ignoring? No it's not like that at all. It's just, I don't trust people. I can't. Not even my so-called bestfriends. Nobody gets it. No one understands. They see it as if I'm doing it on purpose. The thing is, it's inexplicable. I just get too complicated at times. Some people find it uneasy for them, some just can't stand it. Well you know what, I'm bailing out.

 They say I don't know how to appreciate people. They say I'm ungrateful. They say I'm just craving for the attention of my loved ones that I'm not getting. They say I don't understand what I think I do. Well screw them. Strangers, thinking they know me well enough to think so. I know me better than anyone else does. You can't read me like a book. You can't predict what I'll do or how I might feel.

That's human for you, imperfect human beings. No I'm not claiming to be perfect but I am telling you I'm perfect at being me. This is what makes me stop talking to people. They think they know everything. they think it's that easy to get to know me. I wish my holidays won't end, I need more time by myself. I need to get away from school, away from those annoying teachers and stupid homework, I wanna be invisible to the students there. I wanna bail out. I wanna skip everything and run to another world where nothing could ever stress me out. I wanna go to a place where people don't mind how complicated I am, where people don't get tired of me.

I know, this is too much to ask for. I just wanna trust again. I can't, I wish I could but I can't. How do you put it in words? How can you explain that feeling when you just can't change and you can't trust that the only time you trust someone is when you feel like it, you can't control it, you get me here? Maybe I'm not fit to be friends with anyone. Maybe I should just stick to talking to myself and starring at the wall, hanging and locking myself in my room.

yours truly, riri.

no love felt.

Love is bullshit. No, love is beautiful but the person who made you feel like shit when you were in love with him, is.

I've been gamed, I've been heartbroken, I've been cheated on, I've been pushed away but even so, I've never gave up on love. I believe that different people, different way, different kind of appreciation. However, that was back then; that was those days when saying "I love you" and being a couple was my definition of love, when who had the most relationships were cool. Well that was inexplicably idiotic of me. Well I was young and naive. I was a kid. I was still learning from mistakes. I regret it but at the same time it taught me that love, is more than meets the eye.

 My perspective towards love changed 360 degrees when I met this person who literally changed my life, my world to the better. I thought he was the one, well he wasn't. To accept the fact that we're over was easy, to stop myself from remembering all the memories, wasn't. However, I've moved on. He was by far the best guy I've ever been with. He thought me and made me feel everything I never thought existed. I was new to this, it was like I was living in a fairytale minus the happily ever after, of course. They say once you've got the best, why settle down for less than so? You see, when you make someone your 'everything', once they leave you're left with nothing. I got scared of trusting any guy after that. I was so convinced with the thought of how he would never leave since I've told him everything that I forgot how the universe works, of how every time some random stranger comes and turn into one of the people I love the most, they leave in the end. This causes me to not feel love anymore. I keep telling people of how wonderful it is to be in love when I'm actually trying to run away from having such feelings.

I never used to be scared to take risks but this time it's different. It's just inexplicable.

yours truly, riri.

hear me out.

Adults are matured, they say. They would listen, they say. Well they lied just as well.

It's not that they don't understand, they just would rather not to.

At times it feels like the only person I could count on is myself. When even the person who claims to love and care about me won't care, who would? The things I keep to myself, dying to have someone to share it to, usually are the things that I feel like I'm the only one who's safe to tell it too.

Too young and immature to be taken seriously. True, however this feeling, it isn;t gibberish talk. Feelings won't lie, your mind maybe but not feelings. Again, what use is it to them, what's on my mind or the things I believe in. Explaining myself wouldn't change a thing. Grown-ups they think they know everything. In denial, honestly believing that they're always right even when they're obviously not. Neglecting our thoughts. Just because they're older doesn't mean they're wiser.

Once they've talked, the things you're about to say won't matter no more. They get reluctant to hear your side of the story. Maybe, they've forgotten how hard it was when they were a kid, how eager they were to get the attention from their mum/dad or any other grown-ups, of how hard it was to convince people that what the things they say were real, how hard it was to talk about something they believe in and to actually be taken seriously at the same time.

Or maybe, they do remember and they know deep inside that even if they listen, they can't do anything about it. That some things just can't change. I hate the fact of how we can't do anything about it. I hate it more that no one dares to try but then again, who would care? Still, to hear me out a little won't do any harm won't it? It means a lot just to be heard once in awhile.

yours truly, riri.

fyi.

the things I listen to or love usually reflects who I am.

If you can't respect this, you don't respect me. Fun making fun of the things I love, I know. Silly of how you find it silly that I love what I love and adore who I adore. If only people could see between the lines, look into my eyes, see right through me, maybe you'd understand. So tell me, do you feel what I feel? To joke around with me about anything at all that's relevant to me, I could still tolerate with that kind of behaviour but people forget, just like everyone else, my patience also has its limits. You go overboard, I'll give you a hard smack, I will.

It might sound preposterous but really, I'll walk away. I don't find it funny. Irritating? Very. I've been the laughing-stock of others for way too long, I've had enough. Maybe I'm just overreacting or being a bit too sensitive on such a small matter but really, this time I won't play the fool. I'm the way I am for a reason.

 yours truly, riri.