my heart it's gone, your heart it's gold.

My dear favourite, 7.

And so seven months has passed.

My fear has always been 6, but that is over now.

And I am over that.

I was known to believe in so much until one day it got too much, and everything seem to mean nothing much to me the way it used to. Past times it seems like all I've ever said was "too soon". They say how can someone love you when you can't even love yourself. Hell with that, if you meet someone who loves you despite knowing that. I haven't change into better but I met someone. I don't really know how this goes anymore and I swear I lost the side of me that does. But if he could, why can't I?

When I was younger it was all about getting nice guys, those who loves you too much, the ones that treat you like you're Queen B you know what I'm saying? I wasn't into perfection by looks, I was said to always fall for the ones no one seemed to noticed. Then I grew a bit and realised that maybe it wasn't them, it was me so I took what I get and tried to make the best of it. If things go wrong, it meant I made it that way. My biggest fear in each and every one of them was not trying hard enough, to seem like I didn't care when that was all I cared about. I thought by making them know how much they are worth sums up to me being worth something but I was never enough. I was okay with that. "You did wrong again. Next time do better" to the point I couldn't do anything no more.

I was dead by the end of two years back and damaged to the point where I couldn't go back by the end of last year and this year's the year I never bothered. All I wanted was to get it over with. I'm almost there.

But this guy he came and he stayed and he tried and he drove me mad and happy and confuse and insane and sad but like a spell that I couldn't cure. I told him my bad, I showed him my worst, I gave him a piece of being sick and then I cling to him and I let him go and in the end we're back again. I didn't want to try so hard anymore, I no longer want people to stay for what they think I am if they never would and think that they love me when they only loved the idea of having someone but not being with someone or devote to them. I had my days where I doubt the things I hear and the promises made. Only because I'm immune to such things and everything I gave, I never got back.

I never treated him the way I thought he deserved, even if I wanted to it's never that easy anymore. Even if it seem like I don't, I appreciate every effort everything. I know we came off unexpected but since everything has its reasons to it, I hope his, is to stay.

I don't think I've ever told him this clearly, but if I looked back to all the things I said, believed in, and wished for, he is almost but so close to everything I have ever wanted and said I needed in life if it wasn't for my trust issues and disbelief in a lot of things now. He is perfect in all the the way I cannot explain or try to put in words. My feelings might no longer be the same but I know what I have and how much it's worth. From the way he says he loves me when I talk about something bad or saddening or anything to do with things he knows he can't help me with but to listen. Every time he tries to stay awake despite the fact that he's used to early nights. Every good thing he contrast about me when I talk about the things I know I can never be.  Every "I don't care I still love you and I will always love you" when I try to convinced him how it is almost impossible for me to get better and all the reasons why I love him so but he deserves so much more because I know I can't give him much. Every time he tells me I'm beautiful or compliments me on what I believe does not deserve any and I just shut the thought of it down when really I just couldn't say thank you enough. Every "you tell me I deserve the best and you are the best and I don't want to be with anyone else". Every cliche or cheesy/corny quote/line/movie scene that he talks about or says reminds him of me and the things he would do for me that I usually laugh at and ignore when really it gives me a sudden relief and feelings I couldn't put into words and I promise you I love every part of it; I just don't know how to respond to those things anymore.

This isn't even half of it but I don't want anyone else to fall for him for the things I tell them. I know it seems like I keep him like a secret but if the people I know asked, I would tell. I just don't want to do the same mistake and let people get taken away from me. They say in every bad there is a good and I get that "bad" almost every day this 2013 but I realised out of all the shit I had to go through and the days where all I wanted was to rot in my bedroom, Allah's good was to sent him into my life. Such a little thing followed by the most beautiful reason that soon turns into one of the biggest part of your life.

You know like how I always say and believe that hey maybe this one didn't worked out because someone better would come and that they're all just leading me to that person and who knows that I would actually meet someone who can see me past all of that and still loves me. That one day I didn't need to worry so much about me being the only one to feel that way. To think that I thought it was someone else when really that was only the beginning of my realisation that maybe, all these while the person I needed to be with was him. That has the same idea of us being together in a way that it means not just for now; like always, the way it is. By him, I mean you.

This is probably stupid and childish and sad but happy 7 months anniversary! It's true how the book says I don't remember the events in my life by date or time (anymore) but by moment and I'm sorry if I've ever forgot, but I won't forget the 28th. Every moment with you every smile every stare every laugh or giggle and how it feels at the very moment I will remember. You're the only guy I want to be like that with. The only one I get manic and low with; the only guy I don't mind being vulnerable to in your hands even when I try not to.

10:00p.m because that was when we said our goodbyes.

and I love you for as long as you want me to, for as long as you do.
I don't want to be the one to take back all my words.

So many things I want to write about, so little time. Maybe one day, when things aren't as hectic. If I still remember, if I would still be here.

-riri-

macam kucing.

"Kucing kalau nak mati, dia lari"

Mungkin, satu hari nanti
Aku pula yang lari.
Bila aku lari, kau jangan cari.
Bila dah masa, mungkin aku kembali.

Mungkin
Mungkin
Mungkin juga
Tidak sama sekali.

-riri-

floating feelings.

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realised you lost the moon while counting the stars". Well, she lost the moon, by losing you.

Things have gotten out of hand I know (actually I don't so correct me if i'm wrong). Thinking one second things are finally falling into place and next thing you know, it's all in pieces. Seems like she loved you but not the way you did. It gets you thinking if it would have been better to never have known each other. To see the person you care about and love sincerely, moving on the second she slipped away from your grasp seems almost surreal. Doesn't it just mess with your mind and feelings? Thoughts like whether she really did love you or if it was just another game; if to her, you were just to past time floats around your head inside and out. But I don't have the right to say. We all have our reasons.

Just so you know, it's not you, it's her. You did your best and I know you when it comes to that, you're great. Amazing and awesome as always. Yeah a little awkward but you know how to make her smile I bet. Because you once did that all the time for me. I hope you realise that there's nothing wrong with you and you're just perfect the way you are. Maybe she couldn't see that. She failed to see the person you are inside or could have been for her sake. That's her lost. If she stayed and knew you the way I did, she'd probably regret ever leaving you. She had mistaken rocks for diamonds and threw away the real deal ((you)).

"I will always be by your side and support you whenever"

Remember when you said that?

See, you're that kind of guy. You're the kind that keeps things to yourself but you're willing to hear other people out. You're willing to go out of your way for the people you love. As I said before, which ever girl that gets you is a lucky one. Too bad she couldn't see and appreciate you that way. To be honest, I was a bit mad when I found out. I just, I know we got a bit more awkward than we already were but I care. I just  don't talk to you much anymore because I'd start to wish you would share more but I know you can't. It breaks my heart to see yours break; to get to know you got treated this way, makes it worse. But I guess at least now you know what this is worth. That you are worth much more than this. You're going to be just fine froggy. Serious shit.

-riri-

together not.

A little something I found in my "sivik" exercise book.
Something I wrote early this year, I reckon :

We were bound to be together,
Both said it'd be forever,
Was it love or was it lust?
Could've been just full of doubts.

He had left, I was hanging,
As volcano's of emotions start erupting,
Things change when we wish for it not,
And so the ones we learn to live with,
We end to live without.

See,
You took with you,
The me I used to be,
And left me crumbling,
Cringing,
Back into the,
Solitude,
Where there is no more me,
Or you,
Us.

-riri-

another love.

It breaks me, to see him broken.

He lays next to me, as he speak words deep from his heart.
Things he had said way too many times lately. Things he mean.
Things he can ever brush off. Things that hurt him so.
Things he wish could change everything, to how it was.

I wish she knew how much she meant to him and how deeply, insanely in love he is with her. All the shit she puts him through intentionally or not & all that he had put himself through just for her sake, I wish she knew. I wish she would see and understand that this isn't a joke or another phase to him. I wish so badly she knew, that this is meant to be worked together on. Not to be left hanging, with a closure too hurtful to rewind in mind before bed. If only she knew. But then again, I completely understand why. I understand why she is the way she is and I understand how he feels for her. I understand everything because just like everything else, it seems like things and events are all connected with everything and reflects everyone in different ways. Just like this, it reminds me of me, who I was, and the guy I'm now with.

But some things are too simple that it's complicated to understand. 

Some things you can't really put a finger on.

I hear the hurt in his voice. I see the tears in his eyes and the smile he tries to hold. I see how such a mess he has become and how his mind runs at night. I see the love he has for her when he speaks about how he wish he could turn back time, how he wish he knew where he went wrong. I wish I could help I so badly do but this isn't about me and I've got nothing I could possibly do but to listen and be there for what I can. He talks about her with feelings and expression and ways I have never seen before. Ways that prove nothing less than that he once and now still do wish to believe that she is the one.

"This is the girl you know? She's the one. I swore I thought she's going to be the one. She is just, so beautiful. No, really beautiful like inside and out. She's beautiful to me. Everything about her. I don't know what to do. She gives meaning to my life. I am now honestly, completely, empty"

She doesn't want to hurt him. Little did she know that this is killing him. "How do you know when a guy really loves you?", because I don't know how. I'm never sure if they really do because they all say they do but it never stays; the feeling I mean. "You know when he does things you know he wouldn't do for anyone else." He was right. However, I don't know a guy well enough to ever know if a thing he does for me, he wouldn't do for anyone else. This guy here though, I know him well enough and it's true. He does everything he could possibly do despite the trouble he gets himself into because of it, all specially for her. He would do anything for her. Love isn't even enough to show her or tell her how much she means to him.

If only she knew.

-riri-

one to go, the other to stay.

There's going be two guys. One that makes you happy and one that's willing to.

You're going to love the first type, with all your heart.

You're going to learn to love the second type because that's all you've got.

One guy, this one. This guy you're going to meet off guard but from mutual friends and without a second thought you're going to let him in. You're going to open up,get comfortable and let him make you feel things you thought you would never encountered at that stage; like you've never did to any other guy before. He's going to make you feel like you're the only girl in the world. This guy, he's the type that gives you butterflies at just a simple "hi". He's the guy you get head over heels for, the one you're going to fall for way too deep. He's the guy that makes you forget about your problems. At the same time you don't mind talking about your problems or insecurities with. This is the guy that won't judge you but also the guy you can't read. He keeps things to himself. That's his thing and according to him, your stories or life is way more interesting than anything his would ever be. He's going to be the guy who'll leave footprints and scars and tattoos on your heart, the one you're going to find hard to shake off feelings for.

Another guy, that one. That guy who you never knew existed that secretly had known you before you even knew he did and this time, things have changed. You have your guard up high. You push him away, to avoid getting you or him hurt. This is the guy you're going to find too nice to be true. The one with sweet words you'd find hard to believe. The one that makes you feel like a princess but you're not planning to get attach to. Sad but difference is, this guy is going to make you believe that he loves you because he really does. He's going to keep talking to you careful not to annoy you and he's going to try his best to get to your heart. Unfortunately for him, you no longer have one. He's not the type to give up, he takes you seriously. You're different. Seeing all his efforts, you're going to soften up and open the door to let him sit; to see if he could go through long enough to stay. You're going to realised this guy is just as head over heels for you the way you used to be on the last guy. You're going to show him how unworthy you are but he's going to take you as you are anyway.

He wants to prove you wrong,

that he's going to make you happy.

Because you make him happy.

Now,

Let,

Him,

In.

-riri-

i don't want to miss you.

They say if you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, then it's yours.
But, what if it doesn't?

Knowing how much he is worth and what he is capable of but why am I still where I am when I know this isn't where I belong. Someone who deserves way better than I can ever be in this state. However, seeing the breakdowns of a guy I know, reason being that the one person he gave his soul and heart to left, makes me wonder if he might end up the same way if I left. it's devastating and heartbreaking to see anyone in such a condition. Isn't it just amazing how beautiful yet hurtful love can be? Love for your parents, your country, friends, favourite boy band, anything at all. To see it slowly fading or crumbling in front of you really is a tight slap in the face or even a hard punch on the chest I supposed.

I am the kind to think about other people's feelings followed by mine at once. If I think about how I feel, I'd probably think of how they would feel as well or at least how they would feel about what I feel. That isn't the point though. The point is, you can't really have everything. You can choose one way; either yours or theirs. There's never really a right answer since everything that happens has it reasons to it.

I love him but hurt him. He says it's okay hurting to be with me than to hurt knowing I won't ever be his again. But I feel the guilt, each inch of it because I've been there and I know how it is like to be where he is. Ironically, I learn how it's like to be the ones who left me as well. Although I do not believe any of them or at least most of them were ever rational about it. I want to be the one to make him see things in ways he has never experienced, I want him to know that I am different in ways complicated but understandable. I want him to know that I won't be the one to leave and even if I do, it is for his own good and that I would never do such for someone else. I wish he knew how no matter what, I'm not the kind to leave and forget. That I appreciate everything he did and remembers all the good and the sacrifices, each and every one of them. I know what he does, just to make me happy. I know what he's willing to go through. I know because he reminds me of me. As always, who I used to be.

Sometimes it's like looking into a mirror. It saddens me because I might just change him into the person I am now and there is nothing good in that. If I ever let him go, I know, I might get over it if I really wanted to but I'd also know that I have lost the one person who was willing to make me happy when I know I might never be again even if it means that his needs were to put last. I'm going to lose the guy whom I know girls would die for to have. The guy from books and fairy tales. But then again, I don't believe anyone would ever love me as much. I never would believe, with who I've become today, that I'd ever be worth that much.

"Why do you do that? Why pick flaws from each and every guy you end up with?"

I don't. I just find reasons why not to be with them. Reasons why they shouldn't be with me.

-riri-

what once was fire, now is air.

They'll get used to you being sad that,
they are going to stop asking if you're okay.

Just like someone's death, they mourn for the lost for a couple of days, forgetting about it after a couple of weeks or less but there are few, so little amount of people that still remember and hurt over it. Those are the ones who truly did care and loved you. Maybe the one who was the closest or just the one who knows you better. See, they're going to worry at first seeing your changes and noticed (maybe) of how sad you've become that it shows on your face and how it loses its glow. After awhile they're going to get sick of you, or at least get so used to it that they figure you're handling just alright by yourself. Worse when, they don't even care the way they did then. After all, you're still going on with life aren't you? That's what they would think.

Even your loved ones won't notice sometimes. I hate when that happens, swear I do. Because it's going make to me hate myself more than I can ever be disappointed at them for their ignorance.

It's just sad how feelings change like that. You're going to realised that from now they're going to take the things you say lightly and that nothing sounds serious enough to be taken seriously with the tone you're using to talk to them (as if they don't know you never really am able to talk about it in a tone that indicates the importance of what is being said). You're going to start doubting things, like your importance to life as yourself, where you stand in theirs. It kills doesn't it? To need help but the only way you can get it is to cry for it in the silence of the night oblivious to the fact that you know well enough it doesn't work that way. To think that they would understand or that they finally get you but no.

Unfortunately for you,

the ones who can help,

are the ones who can't.

-riri-

realisation monday.

She held on tight to my hand,

"I love you, you know that?"

Why so sudden?

"You're there when I need you.

You might not be there when I want you

but when I need you,you're there"

And for a minute there i thought, isn't this just beautiful? It felt nice; knowing that you are one of the most useless friend that could ever exist on the face of this planet but then, you are appreciated for the little things you do. The things you know you should, and actually want to do. At that very moment it seemed as if the world had stopped spinning and as the wind blew at me, giving me a bit of a shiver which was weird since it was noon, a thought crossed my mind; how there are little things like this, little beautiful meaningful things to me like this, that makes my life worth living. I gave a smirk, hah, really, i thought, but inside i blushed and twirl and laughed at the slight happiness it gave me to know that i was actually there for someone and they appreciated it. They appreciated me.

-riri-

doubts & insecurities.

Or maybe just fear of reality.
Or just the repeat of history.

I am left, with just two pictures, of things that lasted never more than a year; 6 months less every time, to be specific. I don't think I could ever bring myself to believe that anyone, could love me that much or stay for as long anymore. I don't believe that I could even put up with the unstable emotions of how one minute I'm sure that they would be there and the next i'm pretty sure that they would as fast as a blink of an eye- leave. I get crazy over this. No, not just saying, really, crazy. Like the feeling of wanting to flip a table. Wanting prove of how their words are true but pushing them away as they do. Crying for the sureness, not believing what I hear at the same time. I just get so afraid it's absurd.

How do you do that? To want to be everything to someone whom at the same time you want nothing to do with because you're damn sure of the fact that you are no longer who you used to be; the one who is capable of loving and making people happy. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Thing is, the only way to stop doing so, is to bring pain to them, in ways I wish I didn't need to, for once and for all.

How do you change, when the reason you changed in the first place is,

the only thing that could change you once again?

-riri-

things will be fine.

Promise.

 

And so in the past few days/weeks, i've been trying to get my shit together and I realised that even though I no longer remind myself of what I shouldn't, the weight on my shoulders still remain. I decided to slowly, collect what no longer needs to be around and throw it out. Took out photos from albums, books, cards, papers, notes, all that reminds me of what I no longer even remember unless reminded, and put it all in one place. To keep or not to keep was the question. Should I?

Maybe not.

 

"What are you going to do with these?"

Burn it.

"What? Don't! They're memories"

Memories I no longer give a shit about.

Then again, I do give a shit about it. I used to be the memory hoarder. Anything that would remind me of any event I found important in my life or even if it isn't, I would keep it. I would look back at it; reminisce. I've always been the one to appreciate all the things people fail to notice but that was back then. I've lost my memory of most things after an incident I went through. Now what I keep in mind are the things I have traces of. Sometimes it pops up randomly in my mind just by going to a certain place or smelling a certain scent. Come to think of it, in a few more years would i regret this? maybe.....not. What you can forget won't bother you. Besides, I no longer go through my stuff like I usually do any more. I leave it somewhere in a box or drawer long enough to be forgotten or at least, until I no longer have any sentimental value towards it or feel a certain longing or sadness for the memories I want out.

So a few more things to go before I can finally start over.

Praying for things to be the same in a way that differ from how it used to be.

-riri-

the final closure.

Although it had ended so long ago,  I couldn't shake off the thought of how maybe, just maybe one day I'd wake to find that this will all just be a dream. That here's a wake up call. Well, it isn't. Never knew this day would come, but it was bound to happen. Letting go of all the questions I've longed for to be answered. I no longer have the right to wonder. I never did mean that much anyway and to think that he was my world while I'm just another girl, is rather sad.

However I've waited for this day. To start over, to let go. Knowing we were never meant to be together, means no matter how far we go back, we would never really stay there. So let him be happy, happier than when he was with me, with a girl much better than me. Just, wow he did it. He finally found her, after quite sometime, he found a replacement. I just wish I was fully prepared for this but, I am sincerely happy for him still. And also to the lucky girl. What we had was just "a phase" while what they're having might just be real.

In the end everyone finds better and actually commit. It's like all I ever am is either a phase,  a person who helps you get over sadness or simply, just "for now". It makes you a bit worthless to know and realised that all your efforts leads you back to not being good enough.

I hope she text him first to make him feel appreciated. I hope at random moments she would text him random stuff or tell him she loves him or even send him long meaningful texts occasionally just in case he forgets how much he's worth. I hope she talks a lot so he wouldn't have to think of much to say because I know he's not that good when it comes to talking to girls. I hope she asks him about his family, how his day was or if he's okay because he would never say; see, he keeps things to himself. I hope she would put her pride or ego aside for him because it makes him feel worthless if she didn't for not being able to talk to her. I hope she's happier and more interesting and hyper than me when they go out together because sometimes he gets really awkward. I hope she stays and well who knows that maybe she'll be the one he can open up to, the one who knows him better, who he could see being with in the future.

The one that's not me

-riri-

sadness in love itself is selfish.

I get them frustrated over how sad I get and how incapable of them to make me feel better. It kills. I know exactly how it makes them feel.

Because seeing the person you love, going through a hard time is heartbreaking but knowing you can't make it any better is the worst. I know how it's like to know that you would cut an arm for someone but it still won't be enough and you're going to feel like you're not enough. Automatically making you feel like they deserve better and you know it as well as anyone else that when all confidence is gone, it goes with everything else as well.

They care. They love. That's why it hurts so much.

You know because that's when you are sure that if anything,

were to ever happen, you would pick them over yourself.

You'll see why it makes sense now how when you hurt, they hurt.

What you feel, they feel just as much.

Because you've become apart of them. 

You've become as one.

However, it devastates me to put them in such a state just because I can't make myself happy knowing that they have tried their best to do so. The pain knowing that your sadness have caused them just to hurt as much is as excruciating (sometimes even more) than the sadness itself. I wish they knew; the ones who sincerely mean every word they said and everything they've done, that I appreciate it all way more than I could ever put in words or show. Knowing they care that much that they would stay up late to comfort me or stop what they're doing just to talk to me is overwhelming. It takes time, I know but never for a second I hope, that they would think they've failed. I feel it, in here, right in my heart. I feel the vibe they try to pass. I feel the sincerity. Just hold on a little longer and I'll be okay. They are my happiness although I might not be able to actually prove so but they should know, if it wasn't for them, would I even still be here?

Exactly. Never useless, they're my hope.

They are what keeps me going.

-riri-

some good won't lasts.

And just like that, without warning,
your positive vibe drops to negative 99.

Do you know how it works?

Here's how:-

One day I wake up and decide to make things better for myself by believing it will get better. Today is the day where there would be no complaints, heartache, stress or random unbearable sadness. This day I will ignore the bad and be grateful for the good. I'll be getting ready for school early but arrives late anyway. It's okay. I'll be walking to class and suddenly realised I have unfinished homework to be done & get scold for it. That's okay. I'm going to try and talk about things but stop half way because I just remembered my friend's better at talking than listening. That's okay. I'm going to go home and sleep just to wake up and study but I never do. That's okay. I'll be in my room listening to the radio or the same cd's all over on repeat because I can't afford to use money on new ones. It's alright you know? I'll be talking to my babygirl, I'll be greeting my boyfriend and I'll be here, waiting for each one of them to fall asleep before I do. That's fine.

Unfortunately they'll be a time, out of the blue where I'm going to get random cravings and getting ignored doesn't make it better. I'm going to want to sit in my room alone without disturbance; ignorant to the fact that I have school tomorrow and do what I do but no. See, it's not the same at those times because everyone is home and no one's going to leave me alone and people are going to come in and out of my room and it is going to irritate me. I'm going to burst into anger, I'm going to get mad and sad at the same time it's not even funny anymore. However, it doesn't matter. It won't matter because I'm going to sleep until everyone does just so i could wake up at that time and find peace.

Then it hits me, I don't want to be this alone.

-riri-

they'll be coming back for you,

The way they did for me.

A day, a day where you expect nothing as it is what isn't expected, is the day people from your past or at least, the people whom you used to know, out of the blue, comes casually walking back into your life as if they never had left. As if you've never did hurt them as much to make them leave.

One : Since 2011, I come and I go, he stayed and got left. A friend i would say, the kind I no longer talk to as often. Barely, to be honest. Alone and rejected but what could I possibly do? Pretty flustering to know that the only way to help is to become what you can never be. I tried being friendly; not wanting to hurt anyone but what's bound to happen will eventually do. At the end it's back to me disappearing, leaving him wondering if I would ever come around again. Oblivious to the acknowledgement that I have always been here.

Two : Awhile since we last talked. Maybe it's that I don't care anymore or I just don't find all the effort worth the prize. Joke is : there is none. Kind as always, greeted in a way I could never turn down. But, happier now. I as he would say have gotten a bit more arrogant. I'm not. I just realised I have nothing left to say or ideas of what to be talked about when I no longer know what has been going on when we've drifted apart for so long. Even though things have completely gone the other way around, nothing really did changed. So my wishes, the best, I pray he would receive.

Three : Even more unexpected, the one who tried murdering the girl who never was alive. Surprise but not exactly. I knew he would come by once in awhile. He comes and goes, that I have gotten used to. He can't see it the way I do, it doesn't matter though. I am not the one to ruin a relationship although mine was ruined because of it. So I told him things he might not/should know. Take care of that girl, she loves you, I said. Doubtfully he questioned me. I get it now. He has never been secure, always has been confuse and scared so he goes around collecting spare parts for the future "just in case". None of my business now. Helping the one who should have helped me somehow feels better than it is to some.

Four : Once close enough to get disappointed at the end. He would say hi all the time not wanting us to end but I never did the same. Tired of friendships or anything more I just let it go with the flow. A bad idea I would admit. Just like that we stopped talking. However, some bond you cannot break. Especially with the people you can casually talk to or be silly with. Getting back, reminiscing the time where we used to talk on the phone and how hyper I'd get and how goofy he was. Life has gotten better for him, I heard. Hopefully, it stays better.

-riri-

affected by the past.

Isn't it just shit to know that someone loves you so much as if you were his world; his everything and it is so obviously true; you see it yourself but you refuse to believe it? Why? Because so many have said and promised the same thing and you've been through the same shit, the same feeling, the same ache, everything. It is shit to know that because of all your past ones, you start to push away the ones to come. It is shit that because of them, you end to be the one to break promises, to hurt and to betray. All because you are afraid. Knowing that you were once the best but still it wasn't enough and to know that you once would try to be all that you can for the ones you love but get thrown away aside for others to come in and now because of the exact reasons you have become so cold and careless towards the ones who truly, sincerely, do love you, now. That is shit.

It is shit how the past changes you to who you are today,

good or bad.

It is shit how you become what you promised you'd never be,

because of it.

It is shit how people can change you to who you're not,

by hurting you this way.

And it is insanely shit how you could and had,

let it happened.

-riri-

my kind of love.

Some have their own type for guys/girls.
I don't. I just have the kind of love I'm attracted to.

Usually, opposite attracts. Sometimes you fall for the ones you swore you'd never be seen dead with. Sometimes you fall for the one who is exactly the kind of person you have dreamt of being with. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes not. And sometimes, it all comes unexpected.

I fall for the person who randomly comes to me to talk. That person I would never put my guard down for at first. I fall for that person who is so eager to get to know me yet still talks about himself. The one that trusts me enough to share things like dreams, hopes and stories, anything. Like my parents', the one that doesn't mind distance no matter for how long; sometimes complicated but finds a way to compromise and tries to understand. I fall for the kind my grandparents used to have where my grandma might get cold but he doesn't stop being who he is and shows his feelings for her. The kind where you don't give up on each other because sometimes, things are going to get hard even if you don't want them to. I fall for the one who respects me as a person, the one who is sincere enough to be okay when asked to meet my parents.

I fall for the love of friendship. To be with someone who is comfortable with me, the one I automatically become comfortable with. I fall for the kind of love I have for Damia where we have days where things can't quite flow out from our mouth right but we know what's going on when things aren't okay. People after people yet we still end back together. I fall for what I have with Yaya where we would tease each other sometimes with things more offensive than we would even think of saying but never really take it to heart because we know we're kidding. The kind that waits for you even if you push them away because they know you better and they know how much you love them deep inside and that you just have trouble or is scared to show it.

My favourite kind of love would be with Farah. If she was a he, she'd probably be with me by now. That kind that talks either all day at random times or not at all but we're there in each other's heart and mind. Despite what anyone else would say we know us better. The kind that knows and understands how messed up or broken or a mess each other can be but is okay with that because we're just the same in ways that differ. My love is that where we could totally be ourselves knowing they won't judge or run. The kind that accepts. I want to love the way I do with Farah. Where we trust and believe in each other the way no one does. The love where there is no secrets. Everything, we would tell because this is the kind that we work for to last. No regrets. No other. The kind that can meet everyday from talking to just being silent next to one another and not feel awkward. The kind that you get so comfortable with or attached to that becomes so strong you sometimes don't even need words to say. That you get sure of would last.

But above all, I fall for the flaws and acceptance of it. The mistakes and how forgiveness is asked and given. The sincerity and the compromise, the way we would work on it because it means a lot to both. That's the kind I fall for. The one that gives me attention when I lie that I am not in need of any. The one that sees the shit in me and realise they're just as imperfect but together we're perfection. The one that doesn't leave when I get emotional and doesn't mind to get emotional with me.

-riri-

beautifully worth it.

"You must tell yourself that you're beautiful, because I think you are. You're worth it." He said. Beautiful. You are beautiful. I think you are. Beautiful because I think you are. You're worth it. Worth it. I am beautiful and worth it.

I could never imagine myself as ""beautiful"". I find beautiful such a big and strong word. Being beautiful isn't about how you look, it's what's inside, what you do and who you are. It's the whole thing, it's all of you. I get that sometimes, people telling me I'm beautiful but they're just saying. They don't know me. They don't know what it means or how much the word beautiful if sincerely being said, means to me. Of all the horrid things I am beautiful is a long way to go for me to be. To be beautiful and worth it, how could I ever? I find beauty in everyone and how each of everyone of them deserves better and how they are worth much more than they think but when it comes to me, I am worth what I am. I am worth what have. But I am, never to be, worth it. I am too much for people. I am at the same time too little. I am never enough. That is what I am. Though to know that someone somewhere out there sees all that I can and cannot be and everything I have done and could do yet still find me beautiful in ways I would never have imagined, flatters & overwhelms me.

Sometimes it does cross my mind that there is a part of me,

that is beautiful in maybe the way I smile at the little things,

laugh at made up silly jokes, talk with enthusiasm of the things I love,

and the way I find or see things through my eyes,

but then I think,

naah.

you're just,

well

you.

-riri-

death is not a choice.

You don't deserve to die.
Read this one more time.
You, don't, deserve to die.

I know that there are times where I so badly want to be six feet underground. No, if it was up to me I wouldn't want to die but to never have existed in the first place if it was possible. Unfortunately and at the same time luckily, life doesn't work that way. Even if I am a burden, even if I ruin and break things or would be at peace if it wasn't for the need for me to exist right now, I am breathing for a reason. I don't believe Allah would ever create anything without a purpose although I have always without noticing at times, questioned why.

This isn't about me. It's about you, my friends, family, or whoever who feels as if they are no longer needed in this beautiful world. Death is never an option. They say that death or suicide would never solve the problem because honestly, you don't live once; you die once & spend forever in another life. Believe, in god. Believe, and have faith. Sometimes it's the only thing you can hold on to. Beliefs.

Everyone, every single person in this world is worth something. You might not be perfect or beautiful to everyone or anyone you know but there are people, I promise, that sees the beauty in you. That is able to see potential in you. There are people who you don't even know who knows you or at least wish they did. It doesn't matter what you do, you are loved and to end what seem so fragile yet so capable of being beyond amazing, is just, such a waste. Even if no one does, Allah will always do. If you believe not, then believe that things happen for a reason. You are given days, you don't know until when but as long as you do, remember that these days are chances given. Chances to restart.

I might not be the friendliest, I might be cold or heartless but I care. I get emotional over other people's sufferings. I wish I could help but I don't sometimes. I can't and 

I don't understand. 

You can believe that you are talentless but you could be nice and how many more kind hearted people do we even know in this world? Not much. You could be someone dumb and feel like you can't even make your parents proud by succeeding but you are hard working and honestly, helping around with the house work is just as good. You're going to think you are awkward so you don't talk to people much but hey, at least you know who really wants to be friends with you. So much  more reasons of why you are who you are and that if there were no you, then this world won't be the same. I hope you know, where you stand. At least if not in anyone's life, in your own.

If you deserve to die,

why haven't your life been taken away?

And

If there are people you know who died,

they didn't deserve to but they've tried,

and now is in a better place.

-riri-

do you feel me?

"I love you"
Shut up.

"You love me"
No I don't.

"Babeeee"
Urgh god, what?! You're so annoying!

"But I'm the only thing that makes you feel again"
Ah I hate how right you are!

"Haha I know. 'Cause if not for me you're just this
Blank
Feelingless
Riri,
But I make you feel again. You have all sorts of feelings
when you're with me"

To deny would be a lie. I show no emotion other than blankness or whatever that suits the circumstances. However not with this kid, somehow never with this kid. It's the honesty and sincereness that brings all these feelings out of me. It's irritating. It drives me up the wall sometimes but, as 'mean' or 'cold' I am, I can never have the heart to hurt people intentionally. So this kid here, she brings the soft side in me. I hate that. I hate how I am easily controlled by people whom I see myself in; the ones who reflects me or who I was. Why? Because I know exactly how it damn feels like.

-riri-

the ones no longer there.

I keep telling myself don't look back but then I do and it hurts to know that the ones I've lost we're the only ones who seemed to sincerely want to be there with and also for,me.

 Those were the days, I would say. The days where nothing were to be so flustered about. Yes we worried about the future, the present, all that was happening then and for all to come, but not the way we do now. Those days, we had each other. We were together, a bond never to be broken, a family. However, tragedies happen in a wonderful place. So it did to us. They would check on me, always. I would talk to them sometimes, more than I do now, which I barely ever do. I let it slipped away, in a snap. My thoughts, my family, my sadness, my mess, took it all away and now I can't have it back. I don't think I even want to but the feeling, the insecurities I didn't have, the faith I had, I miss.

They are now long gone and I am still here, further. They could still be talking to each other but not me because I am here, alone. They could be making new friends but still meeting each other but not me because I am here, isolated. Sometimes you look back from when you were younger, with all the friends you had and the laughter you let out, you get this feeling where you miss it so much it hurts physically and you want to go back to that time but you know life doesn't work that way. That even if it does, you don't really want it to. You were a kid then, mentality much different from yours now, going back means getting stuck there, in a loop where everyone else grows up and meet new people and move on; everyone but you.

So it hit me, it's okay.

It might not be my time for happiness now.

I had my chance, I cherish the moment and now it's gone.

Maybe one day, one day it will come again.

-riri-

teachers & emotions in april.

Trouble was it's initial title. Another piece of paper I found lying around between pages of one of my exercise books. It was written back in April.

My apologies to the teachers.

It's reaching April and the only time I've hand in my homework was once or maybe twice on the first week of school. That's how it is for almost every subject. I've gotten worse I would say. I wasn't planning on letting sadness overpower me. Far from that, really. However, I did mention wanting to just get this year over with and by the looks of how I'm living it, it's over alright. At least almost.

I'm working to score this, I would make myself believe, but ends sleeping for hours. It's unhealthy, for me and everyone around. My teachers, they're great and I don't have anything against them just, I don't know. I can't tell them what's wrong, I don't trust adults and it sucks even more how whether I like it or not, they're the only ones who might be able to help. Besides, school isn't home and vice versa. It's unprofessional to be giving excuses on not doing your work but what's worst would be telling the real reason why. I don't wanna drag anyone into this although in the end my parents would be. But all this touchy-feeling thing I don't do.

I hate feeling exposed; naked, fragile, vulnerable. I hate having to cry and shit. It's annoying. I was taught growing up, keeping what I heard or went through, where I heard it and where it happened. Living life revolving around lies and secrets, lies pile up over more lies; you just forget how it's like to be truthful. I'm honest, just not when it comes to me on my feelings.

You know how it's like to want to save something and wondering if maybe it's too late? That's exactly it. I'm not giving up on myself yet and my intentions were never to piss my teachers off, never. I might not be able to please them but I'm trying.

-riri-

gone.

Going through my past posts from two years back and so on and I realised, just wow. I guess I was the only one who changed? Or maybe realised, that I no longer belong to where I thought I did. How, sad.

What was life to me back then? And what is it even, now. It's amazing, how close we were then and how everything were to be shared with each other but now we're together if we have to be, because it's the only choice we have. All because of one mistake. Besides, things happen for a reason. We were in denial as I would make myself believe so maybe this is a good thing. It's better without me in the picture anyway. I am amazed by how I was back then, how good I was at keeping a friendship ( that somehow I eventually lost ) and it's sad to think that I ruined everything. I am sorry for all the things I thought we could be and for all those times we wasted on what never did or would last. All the hurt I've caused, I'm sorry for that.

-riri-

one word: mampus.

And I feel like letting go
once again
of all the people I love
and those
who loves me
I am tired and tired of them
getting tired of me
even if they're not
at one point I know and believe
that they will.

-riri-

"budak besar".

I have moments where I would talk in proper malay,
or at least close enough to so. And on one fine day this happened:

Tidak mengapa. Saya okay, saya dah besar. Tak perlu risau.

"Tapi budak besar pun tak selalunya ok, budak besar memerlukan seseorang untuk menjaga budak besar sebab kadang kadang budak besar tak sedar yang budak besar sakit so budak besar memerlukan seseorang. I love you, jaga diri tau jangan mengalah kamu boleh ya budak besar" 

It hit me hard, what she said. I was blown away by how true it was. All the lack of attention and caring, after awhile you just come to the thought of how much you don't need it since you've been living without it. So you act like you don't care but it shows; it shows when you receive it, it shows how much you've been longing for it. So you act all tough and strong like you don't need no one that you could go through things by your own. You brush away affection and anything that would make you seem weak and fragile. You put your guard up high.

That moment when you're all sick and it hurts so bad inside so you lay in bed, longing for everlasting sleep but they wake you up. You can't even move, so they push you up. You're rooted to where you stand and you've somehow crossed the line testing their patience and end up getting shouted and yelled at for being problematic, for making life harder for them. You get on with it and go. You go where ever you're supposed to because that's what they want and you just have to. Blinking rapidly to sink in back the tears, thinking "screw you people, I'm fine". I'm fine. I'm fine, you would make yourself believe.

It somehow gets harder to breathe, with all the things said to you as you feel your chest contracting in so tight your ribcage breaks and you have your heart jumping up to your throat creating a big lump that disables you from talking, you just froze. That's when it hits you, how you just want to vomit your life away but you can't.

As a kid, no matter how much shit you go through, no matter how many people you start ignoring or how hurt you get, nobody can really deny that if someone were to come in and take care of them the way they didn't, they would give in. I realiSed so did I.

-riri-

till the end.

"Bila ada tak hargai, bila dah takda baru nak rindu",
she said followed by a crooked painful smile.

I have always been amazed by how my late grandfather treated my grandma.

Bagai menatang minyak yang penuh as we malays would say it. Married at the age of 18 with a man about 11 years older. Who needs to be a princess when you're already one to a man who would do anything for you. My grandfather was an incredible man. From a poor family he came, worked hard to be good enough with a stable job and enough salary to build up a family, when finally he found the one. She was the one and only daughter of Pahang's seventh chief minister.

It started of with the view of her leg to be honest. Funny I know but then the minute he saw her (not her leg), he just knew. He fell in love at first sight. Guess my grandma's father knew what he was doing when he let go of his daughter to this man. He does everything for her. She didn't even need to lay a finger on things. Loved her and adored her all his life. Being romantic and caring and responsible toward her the way no one else could ever be. Though she seem feelingless towards most things, she knows that deep inside she has what every woman on this planet would want and she was lucky. She just didn't quite show it. I understood how she felt back then, I completely understand.

Years went by, anniversaries after anniversaries, surprises after vacation trips, gifts after flowers and letters, and above all, unconditional love and undivided attention given. No matter where he was, who he was with, nothing could be compared to going home to see her and his kids. They moved away in 2005; she didn't want to leave that house but she never said. Homesick and mad all inside, she did nothing to help. Guess he knew so he did all by himself but still, she was his to be treated like a princess and so that's what he did. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you don't care anymore, what matters is them being there with you even if they barely are. I could say his love for her was bulletproof. 40 years (and more to go at that time) of being with someone who seem so complicated to others yet he was the only one who knew all she wanted was to be cared for even if it seemed too late to change her. She had gotten to the point where she got stuck to be the way she was.

One day, who would ever knew, he was the first to go.

We were all surprised, he was badly missed. Still missed.

Now she tells me stories of him. She tells me what he always does or the way he would treat her once. I knew, I knew he was the best and I knew that she knew. She just never talked about it. Now when she does, I see the hurt in her eyes and how much she wishes to have him back or maybe for one last time, make things right. To have one more day, to tell him all the things she could never said, one more sight of his smile and sound of his laughter and all the stories he once told that she sometimes, did not take note of.

I know, even if she doesn't say.

Because that's exactly how I would want it.

I could say he loved her till the end of days, till the last breathe of his life.

-riri-

us.

When I look at us, I see me sitting next to you with my head leaning against your shoulder; helpless, numb and paralySed. I am your source of happiness, you are my safety, a place where I find comfort. You'll be going back and forth trying to work things out while I just stay silent rooted to where I am. Even when it seems like I'm barely there, know that I've never went away.

I wish he knew me back when I was better than this. Not now. Not when I'm unable to love or even look at people the same way again. He tries to make my day, wanting to see me happy; putting so much effort into each conversations and I know it's not easy, to put up with so much madness but still, stays. I noticed tho and I know how much he's worth. I know how lucky I am. I haven't treated him the way he deserved and to be honest I wish I could, I just can't make myself. I want to do or say things that I mean, what comes from the heart. I want sincerity. But I've lost most of the love I once had in me. The things I should be feeling for him and all the words I would have had said if I was the me I used to be, I've lost it all. Yet he still loves me. I find it amazing, how he could still see the beauty in something so ugly and broken. It overwhelms me how he see the good in all my bad. "He's a keeper" they would say. But I'm not.

If I could I would leave. I would leave for I know that he deserves so much better but it wouldn't hurt him any less if I did when all he wants is me. I am just unable to feel so strongly about a person anymore. I am unable to care or put the amount of effort I should in what we have. I am no longer what anyone wants and even if he thinks otherwise I know that I am not. Nobody wants to love a person who makes them feel unloved. I guess things happen. Maybe it was just meant to be. I am now all the things I would never be once back then. Now I'm just all that I could ever be. I am now one of the worsts and if I were him I'd say I'm under appreciated by me but I do appreciate him. And I know how he feels despite the way I treat him because he's a reflection of who I was. I used to be just like that. So in love and full of faith.

I get crazy really, one minute he's all I want and the next I'm sick of myself and what I have with him. I get so confuse but I know for sure that no matter how cold I get, he shouldn't worry. Because I'm not the type to go around finding new people to be with. Even if I do get comfortable with other guys, even when it seems like I don't care anymore, he would always be with me in my mind. Above all, even if it doesn't show, I love him a lot, maybe not as much but I do. It's there in my heart and that's what's keeping me from going. See if I've let you in, I'm with you, just you. You can bet on that.

-riri-

me and school.

thought of 2:54 a.m :

I don't think people get how much hatred I have for school. I mean not the building, the thought of it and how it triggers my depression. The anxiety I get of being around so many people and being asked questions I can't or don't even want to answer. Having to believe things I refuse to. I don't think anyone gets how much it disturbs me both mentally and emotionally. I don't think anyone would even take me seriously on this matter when I tell them. They keep asking why and why and why, some things I just don't know how to answer. I just wish they'd understand that. I just wish they wouldn't push me so hard in doing what I really can't or don't want to. I didn't choose to be this way. It just happens to be that all I went through made me and turned me into this and I can't deny that I let it. But how am I supposed to even go back to who I was before? Exactly, I can't. Even if I could it'd be hard.

-riri-

lost chance.

I was asked to wait behind,
while the others went out for recess.
The teacher shot me with questions,
none I could really answer.

And, that's how I lost my chance.

I didn't expected that. It totally got me off guard. I have never had the thought of it crossing my mind. She asked me so politely that just in that few minutes I felt like I was cared for. I felt like people do worry, they just don't know how to approach me. I was on the verge of giving in, telling her the real reason I stayed home. I wanted to tell her what was going on at home. I wanted to just let it out so maybe they wouldn't be so confuse and frustrated over my constant absence in school but, I couldn't. If she had just spend a bit more time on trying to convinced me that I could trust her, I actually think I would blurt it all out. I guess no matter how much you can't or refuse to trust adults and their double-meaning words, you end up going back to them. I guess I needed that. Maybe I just wanted comfort in one. To tell her or any adult that would listen to understand. I guess all I need is someone to hear me out, someone that would and could actually help me out and make a difference. It's too late for that.

As I walk out of the lab, I can't deny the fact that I felt a bit disappointed 

but it was already too late to turn around.

-riri-

what we never had, we can never get back.

You can't blame me for comparing my life with other peoples',
If you keep comparing me to every single person you meet who to you,
seems way better than me.

They say let bygones be bygones. They also said learn from your mistakes.

They said forget the past. They also said you gotta look back once in awhile.

I thought she would know me better. I thought that maybe out of all the people I know, I could trust her. How do you even trust the person who doesn't trust you? I wish people knew me better but I end up being the opposite of what/who I really am to them. It's sad to know the people you've known since forever would believe everyone else over you. She tells me she misses the old me, the one she used to know. They all say that. Ignorant to the fact that they are the cause behind the change they're seeing. What if maybe they never did knew me? That maybe I was never myself with them. I was once what I would say, the reflection of what they wanted me to be.Things don't work that way. You don't find who you are by what they make you believe that you are.

What happen to you? You used to be so nice. You never used to be this rude. You used to this, you used to that, you used to blablabla - she would ask me. She wants what she lost. How could we get back what we never even had? There was never trust, never compromises.

I know I've done things in the past that I'm not proud of, I've done some mistakes and I know it's hard to forget but shouldn't they try to? As if it was that easy for me to get over it but no, they just have to bring up the topic over again from time to time. I learned my lesson so why can't we just let it go? I guess no one really cares of who you are now when they've known who you were then. They asked for an explanation but they never listen. Their ego can't take it. If it was their fault even, they still had to be known for being right. A bit selfish I would think that for the own good of your ego, you'd ruin what once seem so lively.

-riri-

thought of 12:40.

12:40 a.m :
The thought of what used to be

They say there's always gonna be that one person who will always have a place in you heart. Even when they leave, even if you let go, you never really do. You always end up going back to them. You might not talk as often to each other as you used to or barely even talk to each other but there's always a day at least where after days, weeks or even months when you or them, just popped up with maybe, for starters, a simple yet meaningful hello. They could be anyone at all. It's just sad to know that sometimes (most of the time I guess) you're the only one who feels that of the person or if maybe they feel that way as well but with someone other than you. The realisation of how the thought of them being "the one" applies on them but not on you to them is rather devastating.

It's the person no matter how far you've drifted apart or how much things have changed between you two, if they were to ask for help, you would be there pronto. That person you'd go catch the stars for, the one you'd do anything for despite having all the people you've met and loved or still love. You can't shake off the feeling you have toward them even if you do despise them in any way, they'd always be things you would miss about them. It's the person you get overexcited at when they start talking to you first even if the conversation is, far from interesting. The feelings always there, it's always gonna be there somewhere deep inside of you, visible only if you let it show.

Some would want this back and start over. Others, like me for instance, would want this back & to start over but would rather not. Knowing that the person doesn't feel the same way and also were the one to have left, it lets you know where you stand. And so even when I do miss this, the only time I ever go back to it is when it all meant so much to both side. I would want it back but not when they don't. No matter how comfortable I get and how far I go back, I know I'd never really stay there. Forced to move forward and I guess it's okay. I go back for the only memories left. Get the picture?

-riri-

love-less.

I have gotten to a point where,

I am unable to love anyone as much as I used to,

I am so in love with what once used to be so lively,

 that it's almost impossible to be in love with anyone other than me.

-riri-

""the problem"".

They tell me I have a problem.
Then convinced me that I'm the problem.
Whether it's one of those or both at once,
they never seem to help me get over any.

Even if they did, they never really do. I don't get it. They ask me to change and I've been trying but I find it hard, and I don't think that I could or if I would. If I'm even ready to. It hit me just now, why do they even demand such from me? Why must I be the only one to change? They say every problem must have its reason to it and in my logic, if I were the problem, wouldn't it make sense if maybe they were the reason? So why bother asking for what I cannot give. If they wanted me to change they should change with me. Do I sound selfish? But they're just as self centred as I am to be asking for what they, themselves would not give out.

"What's your problem" they would yell asking.

"Everything" I'd whisper in my head.

I don't think I'm scared to admit so. It's just, I find it hard to explain if they question "why" after each of my answers. Maybe if they had listened to me sooner, maybe when I was younger tried to make me open up to them; gain my trust, maybe then it would be easier. It's too late for that. I've gone through so much secretly without them ever being there for me. They say I have an attitude problem. I guess I do, but, at the same time I don't. They only say that to whenever I react negatively on what they want me to be positive on. Don't I have a say in anything? Maybe they're just too caught up in society's definition of a "successful life", and I get that they want so for me. Though what's the use of being successful, getting a good job and shit if you're not happy about it? I think living life to the fullest is when you love what you do and do what you love with the people whom you love. If it is not it, then I'd rather die than live exactly the same way.

They say if I wanted help, I should've asked for help. How could I ever have the urge to when I know that I'd end up back as another "burden". Even if they say I'm not, I'll always think that I am. Because I've been through this before. I've opened up once and it totally backfired on me. Everything I do usually ends that way. I guess it sorta broke my heart to the point that I'm scared to ever try again. Though if they really do care the way they say they do, why not get a therapist or psychologist to talk to me instead. Yeah, I don't think so because it costs a lot and money's always the problem but so am I? Do you get it? I don't. It doesn't make sense.

In conclusion I believe, that no one really does care until it has something to do with them. As long as their happy, supposedly I should be. Supposedly I should make them, saying it's for my own good but to me, what good does it make if it only ends up bringing me down? I noticed how it never really matters much until you lose it and losing it means they'd lose just as much. It's like living for other people's benefit, it's shit.

-riri-

deleted.

Who knew all that I promised I'd never forget, I never did remember.

So I went through all my post from 2010, 2011 and so on. I have decided to delete most of it. I must say there were some that made me laugh reminding me of how silly I was back then, and some that I couldn't handle to read. I said once, a couple years back that I would keep all of them, even the ones with bad grammar and broken english, because it would remind me of who I am and where I came from; how it all started and how I would end up to be. But I don't know, I don't think I want it all anymore. I don't want the memories. Maybe I'd regret this one day or maybe I'd thanked myself. Whatever it is, I just want to get it over with.

11/11/10
16/11/10
17/11/10
29/12/10

I was just so full of life back then.
What actually happened?

-riri-

confusion.

Everything is just as hopeless as I am.

I hate how hopeless I am.

I probably hate everything.

 Have you ever just wanted so badly to be alone but at the same time you know you don't? You just want to be understood or at least feel wanted but still, you push people away demanding for some time and space for yourself when you just wish they'd stay? But they don't, because they're afraid of annoying you and you feel like you don't have the right to ask them to stay either because you know you're going to end up treating them like shit and you care enough to not want to put them in that situation. In the end you're all alone. This is what guilt does and you can't blame anyone because you're the only thing that's holding you back. It's a never ending cycle. No one, no one would ever go that far to be with you. And again, you can't blame them.

-riri-

what a beast.

Deep inside of me I know I was born for a purpose,
Though I have always have it in mind that I exist,
to destroy things.

I'm here to show how fragile and egoistic humans can be. How everything at one point is meant to fall apart to realised they are better of as one and how obstacles are everywhere, lose to it or get through it. I walk into people's live to either show how much one can do so much for love and not mean a single shit in the end or how someone can mean so much to you but you might not mean as much to the person. I am what seems so beautiful at first which grows horrid and rotten and broken inside. I am that beautiful view of flowers that mesmerises you to end up disheartening you with the fact that I won't last, that when I wilt, so will my beauty and the beast will finally rise and that is when you see how nothing is as it seems. That I am not what anyone wants.

I am nothing more but something you have to learn to get through, like a phase. Yes I am just a phase. A phase you wish you didn't have to go through, a phase you would cursed and swear at for making your life so hard and for hurting you so much. Little would you know that without this phase, you wouldn't be who you are today and yet I am to blame. When in the end I will be left the loneliest and again, with no one but myself to blame.

I am the student who made you work twice as hard. The daughter you wish you never had. The friend you thought you knew. The love you wish would last. Above all, I am what I wish I would never be. With me things either end or break. So I distant myself from everyone. I hate people I would say when, I just hate how I might end up making them feel. I can't control the things I say and feel at times and it kills. I have always been in the middle, of everything and everyone and I don't think anyone could ever understand how much I want to change but can't even if I wanted to. I don't deserve to stick around or to have people staying by my side. Though I have realised the only one person I would always have around would be the person whom reflects me.

-riri-

wilt.

sick & in need of getting better,
rotting outside,
dying inside.

they say I've gotten thinner,
how can I not when I no longer have my appetite?

-riri-

7t2.

7:41 p.m
Thursday
20 June 2013.

Rocketeer playing in the background.

Do you remember?

His favourite kicks,

over his favourite type of jeans; skinny.

Shirt button up from the first to the last, sleeves all folded.

And I smiled, seeing him smile.

He might not remember, but I always will.

But that was then and this is now.

So far away though he's always been here somehow.

Memories. All I can never forget.

The time when life had no regrets.

I wonder, if he ever remembers.

-riri-

Phillip

I am in love with the emotion, 

the movement, the beauty.

-riri-

lonely.

Since the day you went away,
Something inside of me died with it.
It took a while to find happiness once again
But it left, just like you
And from that day on I just,

Felt so lonely.
I am just so,

lonely.
I just, can't, I don't know how to,
beat the feeling as it slowly tears me,
apart.

-riri-

maybe,

maybe I should stop telling people I love them.
maybe I should stop giving people hope that I'll get better.
maybe I should just stop getting into other people's lives.
maybe I should just detach myself from everyone.
maybe, I will.

-riri-

excuse.

It isn't fair to be the only one who feels so much for someone who doesn't feel the same way. To put in so much effort into something that might not even be real to the other person. To stay when it's better to leave. To care for the one who won't ever realised it, to be so kind to someone whom you know is bound to hurt you. You can't help it can you? Because you've fallen in too deep and you don't want to get back up.

He distracts me from myself, my emotions, the pain

and I don't know whether it's a good thing or if I'm using him.

I don't get myself, how and since when did I get so cold?

And thinking back of all the people I've damaged, I don't deserve this;

I don't deserve anything. Whatever that make things better, I don't deserve it.

Or maybe I'm just not ready, to be attach again, to have someone who I know would always be by my side because I know I'm barely even there for myself. For all the things I've done and went through, all the things I couldn't tell people about because I myself don't want to be reminded of it. Though it screams inside to be let out, I keep it in. Because I've gotten so low nothing is worth believing. Everything I thought I knew, everyone who said it'll be okay, proved me wrong. Two years and a half has passed and all my countless "I'm gonna change" shit is still as worthless as the first time I said it. Since then not a single person has walked into my life and made me think that this time it's different, this person can actually help me find myself again without even trying but no, I don't believe there ever will be that person. And I don't believe that I even exist anymore, myself. I feel like I'm slowly disappearing in the background of everyone's happiness. Slowly walking backwards to a door of extinction and there, I can no longer come back. I no longer have even the slightest of hope of getting through and I am stuck at where I left myself.

-riri-

i'm sorry.

I apologise for everything I am and all that I'm not.

I'm sorry for all the things you've done for me that I might not ever be able to do for you. All the good morning and good night wishes you say, with so much feelings and meanings that I, reply with just the way I know I should. I'm sorry I don't call you cute names, I don't want to call you what I've used once on someone else. I know I don't have much to say and I'm sorry, I've just said too much in the past that I'm left with nothing. I can't think of anything sweet to say I actually mean and I'm sorry if I don't make you feel special, I don't know how to anymore and I'm not the kind to reuse all the things I've said to each of my ex(s) back to you. Because I find it impossible to feel the same way because we're all different people with different characteristics and specialty. And I'm not gonna put you on the same level of any of them. I'm sorry you came into my life at times like this; times where I have nothing left; times when I've already lost myself. I'm sorry I'm so sad and the happiness I bring won't last long.

I'm sorry if I reply you late. I'm sorry you have to put up with me. I'm sorry I don't believe in almost anything anymore and I'd probably push you away because in my head one day you'll get tired and I'm waiting for the day where you'll leave and I am sorry for that. I'm even more sorry that I don't trust myself; I'm sorry if one day I might be the one to leave. I'm sorry you try to make me happy but can't. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like I don't love you. I'm sorry I don't know how to be around people anymore and I'm sorry how I forgot how it's like to actually be in a relationship or to be a "girlfriend". I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like I could be happier with someone else by the way I talk to other guys. I'm sorry I'm just sad with the people I'm comfortable with because it's the only place I can be my depress self. And I'm sorry we can't meet much, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not putting any effort at all.

And I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I don't care because I don't know how to or how to show that I do because I just, sometimes, have moments where I don't care about anything and anyone especially myself. I'm sorry sometimes I get so cold and I just want to get away from everyone. I'm sorry sometimes I'm unsure of how I feel. I'm sorry sometimes the feeling suddenly disappear and I get sick of myself and I'm sorry how sometimes I forget how I feel about you, that I don't even know what I feel because, I just don't feel. I'm sorry I have my moments where I ignore you or everyone around. I'm sorry you might just love me more than I could love you or even myself. I'm sorry that I wish you would leave because you deserve so much better and all that I'm gonna bring is heartache and that I might never feel content because I've gotten to that point where nothing could help me because I'm just too depress.

I'm also sorry, you had to read this.

-riri-

damned.

I no longer feel butterflies

I no longer get excited over the things I should get excited of,

I overreact on the little things instead.

I don't feel contented.

I don't feel worth it.

I feel bad for the ones who love and care for me,

because it's just another waste of time.

Sadly, because I might feel the same, just not as much.

-riri-

remember when?

Although I don't remember much of things,
I would always remember this.

I look back for fun, I look back for stories, I look back for entertainment. I just look back yknow? It's the only thing left I could do to feel. I go back to it sometimes, just to live back the life I've lost, to remind myself of who I am so maybe, just maybe, I wish so much that I could turn back into that person I once was.

I remember a time where I actually started to like going to school, just to meet my friends. They weren't just any kind of friends, they made me feel contented. I have never felt how it was really like to be able to be myself and feel happy about it before they came into my life. It showed me how beautiful friendship can be, and now, I see it in a cliche kind of flashback where our hair's flowing in the air as we laugh and hit each other and the tears streaming down our cheeks talking about our problems. Whenever we have something in my mind, we would just blurt it out. No secrets, nothing. But it all went down the drain.

I remember when, the one person I could say whom was the epitome of my happiness walked in, and how it all faded into thin air. I remember the late night calls, I remember the cute things that were said. I remember people being there for me. I remember how friendly I was and how talkative I could be. How life meant a whole lot more and how I lived it. I remember going on outings and the family bonding we had all together. I remember going on trips and having fun and messing around with each other. I remember who was there when I had no one else. I remember the deeper conversations and how it all meant to me. I remember how it was like to feel contented and loved and actually believed all of it would last; that it was all true. I believed, I had hope. I remember the things we did that got me in so much trouble but I couldn't care less because it was all worth it. They were worth it. They were my life, my everything. I remember how we talked about guys and how we had sleepovers. I remember cheer comp when I first met froggy. I remember when I would go to him or them for anything no matter how silly the matter was.

The nights I couldn't sleep with someone to talk to. The skype calls we had until my parents woke up. The random plans of going out. The stupid jokes and the stupid things we do. The promises. The hugs and the separation. The joy in our faces, the eyes that once shine full of life. The, everything.

I didn't mention who, but it all got my head full of faces and memories of all the people and things I no longer have. And I go back to looking at myself, empty.

-riri-

could've, should've, walked away.

I don't know why he's with me
I only brought him trouble since the day he met me
If I was him, by now I would have left me
I would have walked away
But now I've broken away
Somehow instead he forgave me
He said a guy's got to do what he's got to do
Even if it means he denied himself the truth
Cause when you're in too deep you wake up when it's too late,
You've fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

So walk away
Walk away,
Save yourself from the heartache, oh
Go now before it's too late
But still he stays

He's standing in the heart of darkness
Saying I know you got a soul even though you're heartless
How could any man in their right mind be so blind,
To find something this safe
Instead of walking with me he should have walked away

He finds colour in the darkest places
He finds beauty in the saddest of faces
For such a clued in, headstrong city guy
Could've had the world but he's fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

 A bit of The Script's Walk Away lyrics changed.
It just perfectly describe how I am with farfar.

-riri-