doubts & insecurities.

Or maybe just fear of reality.
Or just the repeat of history.

I am left, with just two pictures, of things that lasted never more than a year; 6 months less every time, to be specific. I don't think I could ever bring myself to believe that anyone, could love me that much or stay for as long anymore. I don't believe that I could even put up with the unstable emotions of how one minute I'm sure that they would be there and the next i'm pretty sure that they would as fast as a blink of an eye- leave. I get crazy over this. No, not just saying, really, crazy. Like the feeling of wanting to flip a table. Wanting prove of how their words are true but pushing them away as they do. Crying for the sureness, not believing what I hear at the same time. I just get so afraid it's absurd.

How do you do that? To want to be everything to someone whom at the same time you want nothing to do with because you're damn sure of the fact that you are no longer who you used to be; the one who is capable of loving and making people happy. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Thing is, the only way to stop doing so, is to bring pain to them, in ways I wish I didn't need to, for once and for all.

How do you change, when the reason you changed in the first place is,

the only thing that could change you once again?

-riri-