look at me now.

Tuesday 3 September 2013

i don't want to miss you.

They say if you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, then it's yours.
But, what if it doesn't?

Knowing how much he is worth and what he is capable of but why am I still where I am when I know this isn't where I belong. Someone who deserves way better than I can ever be in this state. However, seeing the breakdowns of a guy I know, reason being that the one person he gave his soul and heart to left, makes me wonder if he might end up the same way if I left. it's devastating and heartbreaking to see anyone in such a condition. Isn't it just amazing how beautiful yet hurtful love can be? Love for your parents, your country, friends, favourite boy band, anything at all. To see it slowly fading or crumbling in front of you really is a tight slap in the face or even a hard punch on the chest I supposed.

I am the kind to think about other people's feelings followed by mine at once. If I think about how I feel, I'd probably think of how they would feel as well or at least how they would feel about what I feel. That isn't the point though. The point is, you can't really have everything. You can choose one way; either yours or theirs. There's never really a right answer since everything that happens has it reasons to it.

I love him but hurt him. He says it's okay hurting to be with me than to hurt knowing I won't ever be his again. But I feel the guilt, each inch of it because I've been there and I know how it is like to be where he is. Ironically, I learn how it's like to be the ones who left me as well. Although I do not believe any of them or at least most of them were ever rational about it. I want to be the one to make him see things in ways he has never experienced, I want him to know that I am different in ways complicated but understandable. I want him to know that I won't be the one to leave and even if I do, it is for his own good and that I would never do such for someone else. I wish he knew how no matter what, I'm not the kind to leave and forget. That I appreciate everything he did and remembers all the good and the sacrifices, each and every one of them. I know what he does, just to make me happy. I know what he's willing to go through. I know because he reminds me of me. As always, who I used to be.

Sometimes it's like looking into a mirror. It saddens me because I might just change him into the person I am now and there is nothing good in that. If I ever let him go, I know, I might get over it if I really wanted to but I'd also know that I have lost the one person who was willing to make me happy when I know I might never be again even if it means that his needs were to put last. I'm going to lose the guy whom I know girls would die for to have. The guy from books and fairy tales. But then again, I don't believe anyone would ever love me as much. I never would believe, with who I've become today, that I'd ever be worth that much.

"Why do you do that? Why pick flaws from each and every guy you end up with?"
I don't. I just find reasons why not to be with them. Reasons why they shouldn't be with me.

-riri-

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