end of 2012.

I don't know whether it was time that flew and me that was oblivious to it reason being I was having too much fun this year, which is totally not it or maybe it was because I let time slip away as I waste my days doing what I would never thought of doing the year before. As lifeless as I can get, I'll say.

Happiness has become so general. Define happiness. The laughs, cries and joy I couldn't keep it all with me. Not because there were too many but because there wasn't much and keeping them just reminds me of how empty most of the time I was. I wouldn't deny the fact that there some things I don't have the heart to leave behind; with hopes it won't hurt me as much.

I've come to the point where I don't want to remember anything and honestly, I've forgotten half of it. I'll let go of what I no longer have. I can no longer be what I once believed I was, and was actually, were.

I would ask and hope for 2013 would be better but something tells me I'm not ready for it to.

yours truly, riri.

a reminder.

In a small box, hidden under books, I found you, us.

FROGGY 2011, it wrote. So I braced myself for the flashbacks to come. The things I wrote before, the things I've said, the "me" I no longer am, it all started with him. I've changed so much since I met him. So much I have learned and so much I start to appreciate. I remembered how I wanted to marry him but I knew the feelings weren't mutual even though he did love me, just not as much as I thought.

I remember everything. Some I even remember the date. Guess those were one of the happiest moments of my life. I was living life - more to a fairy tale. However, fairy tales don't usually have a happy ending do they, or maybe it wasn't one. Maybe I just got my head stuck in the clouds. Finally reality brought me back to earth. 

Should I throw all the memories away, the photographs and the letters? Why should I throw something that once made me so happy. It's not like it'd kill me inside seeing all the things that reminded me of what I lost. How can something so beautiful cause so much pain? Because that something meant a lot to you once. Thankyou xx

yours truly, riri.

all on the bell.

The thought of school sickens me, even so I can't deny that there's times when I dread for the school bell to ring - and back to the world we go.

It's the same thing every time. Everyday at noon I drag my feet across the living room to the door and out I go to the gates of the school I walk in and as always wishing I was somewhere else. Then there are my friends, their obnoxious jokes and weird inappropriate at times crazy yet funny conversations never fails to make my day.

I'd think wouldn't it be easier for me to home school and then it'd hit me - there wouldn't be friends like this to get you motivated when things get way too boring you could just die, now would they?

You know what's pathetic? Come to think of it school is the only life I have so far. It's almost like there's nothing I can look forward to after school. Random things happen there while it's the same thing over and over again at home. School's also like the only place I could go to to escape from every burden and problems I have to deal with - since I'm not allowed to go out with friends, sometimes not even with cousins.

We have fun, we get in trouble, we sometimes are, surprisingly obedient but of course most of the time doing what we like and want. It's great how one minute we're talking about how boring the teacher is and the next we start getting deep. Yknow feelings, family problems and shit? I get stuck in the moment at times, clinging to it, wanting time to stop just for a little longer. Feeling like a happy family after so long I haven't felt this way but then..

THE SCHOOL BELL RINGS.

and it's back to our home we go.

separated until we meet again.

I dread for that moment to end. It's a different circumstance all over. It's like we are only as one at that time, in that class and when the bell calls, it's over. As if everything we just did, meant nothing as each of us rushes back home. For the bell to ring and my friends jumping and running their way out, I usually stand alone thinking - am I the only one who feels this way?

yours truly, riri.

new year in silence.

Sitting in the living room, something’s missing but I couldn’t quite put a finger on it. Since when did things get so blue. What happened to me, my friends, family. Where was I going wrong, I thought. There was nothing to look forward to that day. No one was with me. People were having fun, waiting to countdown ; friends,family, together. Meanwhile I was hoping for everything to just end. End in what sense? I was still contemplating about that. It was either I just wanted to move forward and leave the shit I made behind, or I just wanted to get 2013 over with as soon as I could without a second thought. I have a feeling I’ll regret the thought though, but that’ll be a different story. Everything seems a blur but then again, maybe that’s just me. Again, another new start without the ones who has my heart. I guess this is one of the most quiet new years.

Yours truly, riri.

tragic end.

So this is how it feels like: nothing.

I remember the first few months. How it hurt so bad although you were still mine. Wondering was it because I just love you too much or my body and mind was subconsciously telling me how I needed to leave before this thing becomes permanent. As if it was a sign that I’d be happier if it ends. A wake up call.

I kept myself together and faced the music. I rooted the thought in my mind of how this, and you, are just another lesson, another sick joke that was never real. I don’t blame you for what you did. You might not have a reason to it but I’ll pretend like you do and it was actually a legit one. It’s funny really but I guess I felt it since the day you showed up at my door. I was lying to myself as well. I did all I could, you chose to smash what we had into pieces and obviously not feeling guilty about it.

I would call you heartless but I find that a compliment so I won’t. You’re lower than that ‘cause you’d miss me and hear this out; I won’t miss you. The day you betrayed my trust was actually my new beginning and automatically it was like a switch has been click and I couldn’t care less. You turned me heartless in a way. You made me worst than I thought I could be but it’s okay because I would never hurt this way again.

I honestly hope one day you’ll find the one you could actually stay faithful with, the one that makes you realise all these other girls aren’t worth the chase. I wish you all the best.

Yours truly, riri.

me, just a phase.

I've come to the realisation that I, was and will always be just another phase to anyone, at all.

Funny how one day you feel so special to someone and the next you realise you aren't. You met, you got to know each other, you fall for one another, he gets bored, he leaves you,
the end.

Being a phase isn't all bad though. At least I know it wouldn't be more than this. I believe in a few more months I'll be back with myself, every single time. You don't expect much, you can't, you're not allowed to. You're like a spare tyre sometimes, flustering. More like an old petrol station in the middle of nowhere, they need you when they're all out of oil. Like a companion, just a companion nothing more or less. It's like an act, like a loving couple on stage and when the curtains closed, the show ends and here we are again back to the start minus the "us".

That's all that I'll ever be.

I don't believe anyone I love would actually love me the same way. It opened my eyes to the fact that the "love" they speak of isn't the love I know of. Not even the ones I long for. With my condition, my lifestyle, it's almost impossible for anyone to love me. So I go with the flow. Since nothing, no one would ever stick around for long. And maybe, I don't want them too either.

Yours truly, riri.

bound to come.

It was too good to be true. Always is but this time not so.

I read back my last post about how he was family to me. That was what he made me believe, what I made myself believe. Living in lies again, eh? Funny, how I couldn't make sense of it now more than I couldn't back then. I don't get it. Was it me? Was it him? It's like a sick joke. One so funny you forgot to laugh. It's pathetic how you thought you actually meant more than shit to someone then find out you were nothing more than shit. Guess I'm just another phase. Always has been.

Have you ever wondered, each time someone leaves, was anything they have ever said to you were true or all that they've ever done for you were sincere? You're left hanging, thinking of what you meant all this while and wasting your energy on what in the end, has no benefit for you. Losing opportunities because of something as insignificant as this. I have.

Again, I saw it coming. In everything we do, there's an end. And in every relationship I have, it's either a game or I'm just not enough. I've brace myself for when it starts to rain again and all that I have gets blown away. It's me, myself, and I. Shit don't surprise me. I guess maybe it's me too. I had a feeling this was bound to happen and I'm okay. Like they say expect the best, prepare for the worst. It's sad at first but get your head straight, open your eyes and look on the bright side. You were a mistake and I'm learning from you. Here's to what we might no longer have.

Yours truly, riri.

the throne i give to you.

 I trust him.

 I gave him my all. I learned from my mistakes, I learned from my past,being the best was all that I wanted. You love someone with all your heart and I'm not talking about the only 6 months or less thing, I'm talking about the one where you see you can still have in the future, the one you just know would last- at least that's what you thought but that was bullshit. It was unreal and it ended just like the ones before but it hurt so much 'cause this time it was different. It was happiness you never thought you could feel. Vanished into thin air. It changed you. To trust a guy again was just inexplicably hard. To be loved, to know that someone loves you is well okay but you could never fully believe in them. You thought you would never speak of love again as if it does not exist.

"So yeah like I know you might think I'm stupid for this but you know he's been here long enough to become important and trusted. He's a part of my life now, a part of me, a part of my everything. It's at the top you know like Farah and you. Where we hear what people say about you, me, her or him but we don't listen 'cause we know who each other are. Like you and Farah, he's family to me now. Loyalty is what you can find in me. Maybe that girl got played but I doubt it was him. He could leave me and break my heart but he'd never cheat and it's not just the memories, it's also him. His mom, his friends, his stories and his problems, I love them all and I'm willing to risk getting hurt. I got nothing more to lose, lost most of it anyway. I'm holding on to this one, he's the only thing left and I'll be alright even if the ending wont be as happy as we thought it'll be. I'll go w the flow" 

...WAS WHAT I SAID.

And suddenly this complete stranger walks into your life. So different, so unique, so true and just, you just- you can't help it but to fall for him. Like a one night stand that keeps going on and on but with the same person. He wasn't afraid of being himself, he wasn't afraid to act stupid, he made you feel comfortable around him, he made you feel special and everything was so surreal. To top that, he feels the same way about you. It took awhile to really open up to someone new but he shared a lot with you and the things he tells you, all that he had said-convinced you even more that he wasn't like those before him, that you can trust him.

"Trust me, ri. please that's all that I asked of you" and I did. Everything, everything I never said or never felt, everything was to and for him. However ironically but at the same time expected, it had a twisted ending. You end up thinking and asking yourself was any of that real? Every single fucking day you wonder. Once again, you lost it. Two times in a row. Two times you feel like something is actually real and twice it totally backfired on you. 

Continuing the first sentence of my second paragraph: ...what I said, was what he made me believe in and the trust I've given, once again broken.

yours truly, riri.

stay where you are.

"I thought when he gets better,cyou two will maybe get back together"

What's sad? Seeing two most significant people in your life break apart and with you too, it falls apart. Living separated and soon, one starts moving on; your mum, she starts meeting other guys but nothing serious so you're okay with that even though it gets uncomfortable or weird. Your dad's on the other side of town, there would be times when he would come around and that's when you feel like finally, something normal. A family. Although to them it's not the same. It might never be.

 Some feelings just never goes away, it might fade but it's still there. Maybe one day they'll get back together, who knows. After so long of being together and suddenly nothing more, like seriously, how could there be nothing left, like not even a single feeling of wanting to go back, there deep in their hearts right? It's okay 'cause you're still together even when you're leaving far from each other.

Till one day your mum meets a guy she's actually really serious with. He's not leaving. They're gonna have a baby together. They have you all grown up and out of the blue, a new baby? It gets you thinking, why? Feeling like you're not enough. Feeling like you're subconsciously being push away; put a side.

Like she's starting a new family with him and what about dad, you would think. What about him? You get all possessive. It's your family, it's not to share. It gets to your head than to your heart. You feel like you're gonna be left behind. You know what I'm sayin?

Yours truly, riri.

like we used to.

I was standing still, looking around, oh the memories.
The moments now gone,gone forever.

It's heartbreaking. How did things changed so quickly. Just a moment ago we were there, having fun, laughing our ass off and getting scolded for it and now we barely meet. Even when we do it's not the same. As if it isn't allowed. As we grow older, they block us from being ourselves. "Behave yourself" they say, to the kids who only wants to act their age. We're growing older anyway so why waste our precious moments as kids doing grown-up stuff.

I remembered how silly we were back then, fashion crazy. We were different, in a good unique way. It was shit really, that year, but we made each other felt better. I remember how it felt, it had that one aura. But all I'm left with now is the darkest I've ever known. I wanna run, run and laugh and scream and just have fun. I wanna act like a kid, together, like we used to. Why is everybody expecting us to act like adults when they know it themselves that no way in hell that we are. At least, not yet.

Cried a little inside. Looking at all these and telling myself things like "we used to sit there", "we made a fuss at Toys 'R' Us once there", "we ate and laugh a lot at that place I remembered". It's not the time, it's the moment. Precious priceless moments that they won't let us go back to once again. Where's the replay button, again?

yours truly, riri.

the angle from my nightmare.

To be honest, I miss you, a lot. It’s crazy really. I mean why would I when you don’t feel the same way? Am I the only one who feels this? I feel used.

It’s how things usually ends with me. Maybe I’m just not worthwhile. People, they tend to forget the reason they start one thing, and why they stayed in the first place. Things like these gets me thinking:- was all this just another show and was nothing at all ever real? Until what point was it real? From what point did it start becoming a lie?

I’m not able to sleep and thinking of how we used to talk till the sun rises, doesn’t make it easier. Our routine; everything, slowly stopping bit by bit. I can no longer hear the sincerity in my voice when I tell you that I’m okay and in each of your sorry’s and I love you’s, I hear a force in saying it.

Am I staying for you or are you staying for me? What I dread is how this will end, will we have a closer or maybe I am to be left hanging again? Maybe as always, it wasn’t you who saved me. I am my own angel while you’re the nightmare and all this while I was trying to save myself from you.

Yours truly, riri.

save me a goodbye.

"You want me outta your life, I get it. I just don't know how to do that"

 The riri guarantee loyalty. By just that, I, have officially made myself sound stupid. I find it hard to just throw people aside, or even to throw myself aside for people. If we got to know each other, we've hang, had a good laugh, I'll remember you. I don't easily forget people. No matter how long I haven't talk to them or how short we've known each other.

Even if I was banished from their life, I have my ways of coming back. Usually when they wish I wouldn't the most. The thing is I never stay. I never leave either. I guess I just can't stay committed at the same time I have this thing where I get sentimental and shit. I come and go whenever I feel like it but sometimes it's because I just can't let go.

Then again, I get tired. And when you push me away, way too many times, it hits me on how I'm wasting my time and I finally leave, for real. No more comebacks. If you really mean a lot, you might just see me around sometime, rarely, maybe barely. The only bad things is, "It's like they just turn up and make it hard again just as soon as you get over them" - and well yeah I'm the "them".

Yours truly, riri.

isolated.

Goodbye dear world, life, that I once knew so well about.

or maybe NOT.

I have separated myself from so many things and people. I've been trying to search for myself again. I'm looking back, making sure I leave nothing behind. Still contemplating on what and who I want to bring a long on this trip of mine. What's worth looking forward to and what's better thrown away.

Who am I to who you are today? To most I am nothing. To some I'm a ghastly memory. To so little I mean everything. I am not important in the life of most that I meet and talk to each day. I feel like I'm not even as important to those who are to me. Maybe we've just drifted so far apart it's just impossible to turn around and go back again to the start or to where we were together. We stay by sight but maybe not by heart. We stay because we have to, because of pity or because there's no other choice. It's sick, really.

Feeling like a second choice or maybe the last option. It wouldn't matter if I vanished into thin air even. Nothing would change. Maybe no one would even noticed. The solitude is calming though it gets dark, it gets lonely. It's been months. My time is running out. One day I'd kill the person I am today. For now it's just too early or maybe I'm just too lazy.

When you live under the same roof but feel like you're separated by a wall ten thousand miles long, when you're a family but there's no love felt, only substitutes like things that's bought for you; temporary happiness, they call it. When you're surrounded by friends, those who makes you laugh and loves you so much yet you feel so alone like there is something missing - the truth, maybe? When you love but there is no trust or sharing. How do you live like this? Why in the first place?

Maybe because the truth is unbearable. Maybe because the only things left that keeps you content are the lies. I don't wanna do this anymore. Isolation is how.

yours truly, riri.

sleepless nights.

Sleep scares me. or maybe I scare sleep.

It's been days since I last slept properly and it's been months since I had enough sleep. I keep waking up in the morning or not even sleeping at all at times.

One of the reasons would be I'm starting to believe that I'll be missing out on something if I waste my nights sleeping even though nothing abnormal happens at all. It's like the night is calling me and I keep picking it up. Other than that, the thought of sleeping and having to wake up to the same old boring routine makes me sick to the stomach. Depress even. Maybe I'm just looking for something different.

I hate waking up with the urge to cry and feeling so lonely and empty at the same time. Also dreading to sleep with this thought that it might be my last. Another reason being :- him. I know it sounds preposterous, silly even but it's not me, it's my mind. subconsciously it's like keeping me awake just because somehow for some reason it wants me to stay and wait, to look out for him.

Maybe deep down inside I just wanna be there for him if he's having difficulty sleeping or just in need of someone to talk to. I just wanna be there for him the way no one was for me. I just care that much about him but I'll never let him know that. I never would want to make him feel guilty by it. I've screwed up so many relationships before, I don't wanna screw this up too.

yours truly, riri.

looking up.

It's funny really, how I care so much of trying to be my best for the people who ends up oblivious to all that I've done for them. Why am I too busy trying to please others anyway, why make them proud, mostly, why try so hard? I guess this is what people who can't manage to be happy or is apparently feeling numb, does : make others happy. Have you ever sit and thought to yourself exactly what are you going to gain with all that you're doing at the time? I have. I know life is more than this but I'm still figuring out where and what is the "more" in that phrase. Sometimes I feel so shitty I just wanna give up but I've gotten so far though I have far more to go I just can't stop now. How will I ever find out what all this is; all that I'm going through right here right now is about, and why it was worth not giving up on before as I am trying my best not to give up now. Wish me luck.

yours truly, riri.

should've been another.

I never planned on becoming rotten. Never wanted to be yours.

I don't take port in what people say or think about me but when it comes to her; to the people I love and care for, everything starts to matter. It all started when I was 10. Growing up finally brave enough to speak up my mind; to fend for myself. Unfortunately in the world I live in, silence is all they'd listen to and what they say is what I have to bear with and obey to.

One thing I know for sure about myself; as sure as knowing that the sun rises from east and sets to west - I've never been the good kid. Well looks are deceiving. I'm that manipulative little spoiled brat. That troublemaker; that nuisance; never the grateful child, never the obedient student, never that good influence for a friend.

Raised by strict parents and guess where it got them - here's the verdict : a child like me. I used to be the good kid. They took me for granted. I told the truth but got none back and as I grew up I start rebelling. Who can I blame if not myself? They made me but, it was my choice. I'm no big problem, really. Even so, you know what they say - It's the small things that get to you. I am the worst part of good and one of the best part of a wreck.

If it's true what they say of how the things people spill out at their moment of rage are the things they've been keeping inside, then my parents deserve a better child. No matter how hard I try I end up the same way. I don't wish to be dead, I wish to never be born. To never exist better yet. Never asked for them to make me, never wanted to be a burden. Without them there is no me, I get it, a lot. Without me one burden would be lifted away from their shoulders. see?

It's not being ungrateful, its serious shit. Day by day I drag them more to hell, feeling guilty about it but still going on with it. Is this the child you want? Is this what you had hoped for? It's clear now.

TELL ME NOW, WHOSE FAULT IS IT, AGAIN?

yours truly, riri.

4real.

This time for real. Serious talk. No shit.

It gets lonely don't you think? "Friends" funny shit. They're everywhere. Fake friends, so-called friends, true friends maybe. But I don't live life for commitment on what I don't know if is even real. I take the risk of trying but not trusting. See I've screwed it up. I don't keep in touch with people I know. Just because I'm their friend doesn't mean they are mine or well vice versa. 

 Come in whenever you want, leave when you feel like it. That's how they roll. They don't give a shit. They don't know you. They don't want to. They're just phases to me. I put no hopes on them. What they say or think of me doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter. I mean really what do they know? yeah, exactly. Probably nothing. Don't let people tell you how to live your life.

 I don't mind really. It's no one's fault but my own. I chose being this way. I find happiness in all this devastation. I find peace in solitude. I see the beauty in the beast. Maybe one day,just maybe it'll change. Maybe this will change. Maybe I will change.

Now I'm just holding on to what I have. I'm just appreciating (or at least trying to), the ones who have stayed, who never left. I'm trying to get my head straight once again. Clearing my path,going back on track.

Have you ever sit and wonder why the hell do you even give a shit? I'm flying you see. I'm way out of my mind but my feet is still touching the ground. Wasting my time,wasting my life on nothing at all. What's up with that? And you know what, screw what anyone else thinks. I'll laugh when I feel like it. I'll jump, I'll shout just 'cause I feel like it. I'll dress how ever I want to. I'll say what I feel, I'm going to do me. Eyes on me, mouth open, judge what you see, you don't know me. Bullshit I don't buy, no I'm not gonna cry.

yours truly, riri.

steadier, happier.

I don't have everything I've ever wanted but what I have now, is more than enough.

I no longer am with those I was once with. I never stick with one crowd 'cause honestly I don't even have one. You know those days where you get all distress thinking of what you want in life and getting headaches thinking of who are worth staying or sticking with? Well I've find peace. Eyes wide open, I don't need to chase what I'd never catch. I don't need to build what would burn down in the end. I don't need to be afraid anymore. I've found my safe place.

You know those times when you realized that there's always gonna be shit in life but one thing for sure is that you don't have to go through it alone? I have friends, I do. Friends with me at my best, doubt would be when I'm at my worst. No one is to blame. I don't care anymore. Friendship, I now find a funny thing. I believe in it, just not yet.

Family of course they're always there for you. You leave in the freaking same house under the freaking same roof. Still, when you were in depression, they didn't know did they? They didn't even try to understand and you, you stop hoping that they would and you act all normal like nothing could ever hurt you and well, I got tired of feeling too much that it made me feel even less when I've gotten use to it.

You know, sometimes you just gotta stop worrying too much and look on the bright side. I've seen mine. It's her, and him, they are what keeps me going. They're my happiness and I don't need more. In this depressing and overwhelming state, I find happiness. It's like that feeling you get when you're walking through all your fears and frustrations and the danger but you couldn't care less because this time the choice is in your hands and for now, this is mine. I'm holding on to this. At least till I can't no more.

A little family of three: me, her, him.

yours truly, riri.

leaving in silence.

It could happen anytime.

But before I go, I'll leave everybody without a reason. They'll be mad; I'll burn down everything I'd built. Then slowly they'll move on. Either they'd hate me or maybe just stop thinking about me and I, I find peace in solitude, hopefully. Come to think of it, me being socially awkward and the one who stands out the least makes it much easier for me to be forgotten.

I want them to live their life-without me. It'd be better that way when I'm gone. They won't miss a thing. Why? Because I was never a part of their daily routine to begin with. It'll be sad. If I'm lucky enough, they won't even know that they would never see or hear from me anymore. Not ever. That the only thing they have of me are the photographs and memories.

No one, none would know except for those who were there. And slowly, I never even existed.

yours truly, riri.

to: Ilie.

One day I was talking about you to Rara when she asked "Why don't you tell her this?"

I had my reasons why I didn't and finally, here I am writing about it.

Well I only live once. Never know when suddenly Allah will take my life away so I'll say the things I've kept inside before it'll forever stay inside.

Hi ilie, I miss you though I know I don't really tegur you.
It's just, I wouldn't know what to say.
The last time we really talked to each other was two years ago.
I remember you telling me how PMR was way harder than UPSR.
You said when I finally go to secondary school, I'd realize how the things I learn in primary school would be nothing much compared to the things I'll learn here and because of you, I got ready for that. you were right.
You know what? I hate seeing you sad.
I know we're not so close and it's crazy how when you hurt,
I hurt more. But it's true and I don't even know why.
You so deserve to be happy, at least happier.
I care for you. I know I don't even show it.
I mean I don't even talk to you anymore but,
that doesn't mean I don't want to.
You wanna know something else?
One day a wonderful guy will come into your life,
because you deserve one. And this time, he'll stay.
You're such a nice person. They say the kindest person has been through the most pain and I can see that in you. You smile a broken smile now and it saddens me.
I know I don't know what you've been through, I've never been there.
I don't know your story or the pain behind it.
Honestly, I've always wanted to be the person that'd be there for you.
I've always wanted to let you know tht no matter what, I'd be there.
I wanna be that person that you'd tell things too like whatever that makes you happy or when you're sad or when you just can't sleep and need someone to talk to.
I know this sounds weird and shit.
It's just, I look around me and I see girls going through so much alone just because they don't wanna be a burden to others or afraid to look weak in other people's point of view or they just feel like they're not worth anyone's time and I feel them. I've been there.
You don't need to take anything I wrote here seriously.
I'm just telling you what I've always wanted to say.
I wanna see you happy and abt SPM, you can do it.
I believe that you can and good luck!

yours truly, riri.

asdfghjkl

You get addicted. Not to the pain it causes, but to the pain it takes.

Tormented. Sick and depress. They tell you they care. They tell you your happiness is their happiness but it's them who crushes you. The things they say and do. Worst of all, you can't do anything about it. Powerless. It's sick. It's shit. But it's true.

Stuck and controlled. Home is the only place you can be at. While people go out with friends or walk around a nearby park or so to calm their messed up mind, the only place far enough you could go to is your house's compound. The anger hurts your ears but you can't stop nor fight it back. Respect them, they've done a lot for you but you're in rage. You can't talk to anyone, walls have ears. You can't shout nor can you hit things, everything is in someone else's control. Crying is unacceptable. The pain becomes inevitable and that's when you get these massive headaches.

Your head starts spinning, it gets harder to breath, suffocating in despair, nothing's ever enough and it kills how you have to keep it all in and you get so angry at yourself you start thinking of ways to make things better, ways you should never follow. It's like a sick joke people never get tired of telling that you get tired of listening. You calm yourself down, it hurts too much to even cry and something caught your eye, you took it, slowly placing it on your arms and you start slashing.

You promise never to do it again but things get all inexplicable and you keep on doing it till it no longer hurts you. It's either you've got immune to it, you're getting even more numb by the day or maybe the pain you're feeling hurts more than the one you're causing. Know what's funny? No one actl cares. They'd never ask. You're never gonna tell anyway. It's like celebrities with drugs, people know and they just let it be.

yours truly, riri.

twentytwelve: fifteen.

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you 

You're gonna believe them  

And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out  

Well, count to ten, take it in  

This is life before you know who you're gonna be.

 On the 19th October 1997, a beautiful baby girl was born. Fifteen years from then, a beautiful young lady she became. Mistakes made, screwed up here and there, life full of laughs, smiles and most of it tears but then again here you are, still standing. Things get hard, people get bitchy, life gets unfair, you get depress but just so you know through thick and thin I'm here. Always will be. Screw what anyone else says. They'd judge but they don't know you the way I do. Some might know your story but that doesn't mean they know the real shit behind it.

Babygirl, as you can see we're the only ones we've got right now. Mom, Dad, not exactly,

and it's okay. I'll study hard, I'll get a good job. I'll find somewhere safe and sound to stay, you could live with me till you get your life straight. I can't imagine how I'd be the me I am today if it wasn't for you. Maybe there wouldn't even be a "me" anymore if it's not 'cause of you.

There's times where you feel like nobody cares and I get it, I feel ya. Though the way we both get treated are different, you have what I don't and I have what you don't but in the end the only thing we have in common is we have each other. Things would fall apart but toughen up, cry your lungs out when you've fallen then suck it up, wipe the tears, pull yourself back up and keep on moving. You're stronger than you think you are.

Remember, even if you fail in whatever it is that you're doing, it's okay. When everybody else looks down on you, when everyone else walks away, I'll be here by you. I'll never judge you for what you do or who you are 'cause I know you and I know why.

Happy Birthday Babygirl, May Allah bless you!

Stay strong, I love you.

xoxo, yours one and only, riri.

you came back.

After a year maybe more,we meet again. Finally.

It was just, I just felt, I just can't. Word's can't even describe.
It was weird. Funny. Not because we were awkward, quite the contrary to be precise. I was surprised really. This takes me back to the moment I did my oral presentation where I was talking about how hard it is to find friendship; you know those who you can bla bla blahity blah to and so on. Those people you might lose contact with and not talk to for days or even months but when you do get the chance, you talk like not a day had passed.

We had things going on, reasons why it was hard to get together. Maybe it was us, procrastinating. Taking things for granted. I waited, worried she might not make it, it was getting late when I saw this car slowly passing my house and there she was, smiling at me. The moment after I hugged her, BOOM, mouth opened, things blurted, everything I told her and she just sat there and listened, patiently, like she used to.

This is the girl who saved me from depression and frustration when I was in primary school. The first to really cared that time. Because of her I found myself again. She has changed me so much. I knew things would changed the moment she left to boarding school, our group, me and the others would never be the same again. She was what held us all together. Each broken and glued back, she was the glue and when she was gone, so was the bond, shattered into pieces.

We were hopeless. I wanted everything back but I was the only one. But then we meet again, and flashbacks from when we were in standard six played in my mind. It was like I saw us from above, smiling, laughing but this time it was just us. Sadly, it was just us. What hurts the most was goodbye. Goodbyes are never good when it comes to separating us, friends. I saw the tear in her eyes she was blinking back careful not to let it out or at least not in front of me. I hugged her for the last time.

A few days later I had just finished playing fireworks with my sister when I checked my phone. I got a text from her. The way she texts me never changed. That's mirauwr I thought to myself, for sure. She was on the way to KLIA. Flying back to where she belongs I guess. Away from me. I could imagine being on a plane, looking outside, thinking of those who we are leaving behind. By the time I text her back, it was too late. She was already gone.
Phone left behind.

Heartbreaking.

Yours truly, riri.

Clear It All Up.

My time is up. Shows over. Make-up removed. Smile, because I can.

Can you see the picture? Clearer with your glasses on.

Your hair is all messed up, so is your mind.
Have you prayed enough? Have you tried hard enough?
Now look at yourself and how heartless and more monotonous you have become.

What do you want actually? What do you expect from people?
For things to be the way they used to?

No. I was living in a protected world where shit happens but ends with a happily ever after but not anymore. Even if I had the choice to go back, I've thought about it, I don't want to. Maybe a little but not for long. They lied to protect me from the hardcore truth of life, from the cold people living in this beautiful world. Where family cared and love you for who you are, where everyone were your friends. Let me stay in my cruel state of mind, where it's a parallel world.

Family, friends, enemies- they all seem to become one.

Trust, hard to be given, easy to be broken.

Eyes open. I could see it now. They say family would always be there, well they are but not where they need to be. Friends might end up backstabbing you, they might secretly hate you. Am I paranoid? I lost that genuine smile I once had. I lost that glow in my face. My spirit, I've lost.

I'd rather live this way for now. Let the truth hit me. Try their best to break me, pull me down. I'll get back up again till it's over. There is no need to rush now, I understand that. Everyone's chasing something but what? I'll find what I need to and when I get there, that is when it's enough for me. That is when I'll finally leave.

yours truly, riri.

stuck.

I'm that girl, the one people shouldn't get stuck with.

I pity him, for having me. To be honest, I pity everybody who had or might have been or get stuck with me. I'm that complicated shit yknow? If I'm not complicated to you, then I'm not myself when I'm with you. When I love someone, I get all needy with them and in the end, it'll get me hurt. Eventually, people get tired and they leave and my fragile heart -it cracks a little more.

Maybe the reason I never quite feel content anymore is because I'm not really being myself. How can you be happy in someone else's life when all you want is yours back. I've been doing this pretend thing for as long as I can remember. I try not to get in the way of things, I try to not be a complication to people. I know they have much on their plate, I wouldn't wanna put in some more weight to carry .

Be normal, they won't like you if you're complicated. Smile, suck it up and be happy with them. They don't need to know  how you're dying inside. Remember,you want them to be happy. Your  feelings can  come  last --I tell myself every time before I start 'expressing' myself. That's what I do. I think about others and I neglect myself because at times it's easier to care about people than yourself.

I have issues on trusting people. As gullible and naive as I am, I find it hard to really trust someone. I show my true colours, I am myself to those who I'm sure won't leave; those who I love and loves me as much as I love them. This, this is when I get complicated. It's not that I want to. That's just me. I have no one else, surely they'll accept me the way I am. Unfortunately, for me, most of them don't. This is why I don't open up to people no more. They don't get it and I don't expect them to. This is why I find it better to just be alone. There's times where I feel like everybody's life is better without someone like me.

I don't wanna be a burden you can't bear. I don't wanna be a mistake or a regretting decision someone has made. I don't wanna be that kid you stay with because of pity. I just want someone to accept me for who I am, stay with me, love me no matter how complicated of a shit I get.

I get scared of being myself, I'm not scared of rejection -I'm scared of being left alone again and again and again. I don't get annoyed at myself. I just get annoyed at how complicated I get that it's making people resent me.

yours truly, riri.

little did they know.

9 August : Your brown hair flowing gracefully from side to side, blown by the wind as you stood there waving at me and all I could do was smile back politely.

All they see is what they think they know, what they choose to believe. I, I see a different person; the side of him that most people don't and probably won't even care to fathom. They see a troublemaker. An ungrateful yet disrespectful child. Ignorant to the sweet little kind guy he actually is deep down inside. Little did they know.

Under all that he is seen as, lies a lost soul in need of care and attention. There, waiting for someone who actually cares and would love him enough. He might be rotten but it's never too late to change; never too late to be the right thing. NEVER TOO LATE TO BE YOURSELF. He'd die and come back to life if he wanted. He could change. I know he wants to -if it wasn't for the people who keeps pulling him back down with his past used against him as their weapons.

He almost got there, he was working on it, swear. Unfortunately it's hard, hard to be what you're meant to be when people keep taking you back to the day you were what you never asked to be.

Funny how not just strangers, but also those whom you thought would actually be there for you, support you, to have your back, the ones you trust and shit- are usually the main reason why you look down on yourself. Ends up they're the ones against you and no matter how strong you are, they're kryptonite to you. Them meaning so much to you is one of the reasons the things they say cut deep through your heart.

Even so, he smiles and laugh as if nothing's wrong. He tries his best to be happy. It's called putting shit aside and staying strong. He buries them deep but I see the anger, the sadness, the dried tears.

I believe one day, everyone out there, they'll be knocked off their feet by shock. Shock of how he'll manage to turn the fate they say that were destine to be for him the other way around.

yours truly, riri.

dealing with it.

15 July : I get this a lot. The more I do, the more numb I get.

She picks up arguments out of thin air. Always at moments when you could really, easily get ticked off. It could be about anything, everything at times. She'd even bring up all the shit I've done in the past, as if the ones I've done now aren't enough already.

Comparing me to all her friends' children. These so-called perfect kids -through her eyes, that is. All there is left for me to do to help myself- the only thing I could do- is just sit there silently shouting in my head or singing so loudly in my mind- trying my best to just send back out or just trying my best to not even let in all these shit that's thrown to me.

Sometimes I would black out, I'd just tune out. Staring into space. Motionless. Static. Going to my own world, sending out reality. There's times where I would just think- of why I am in such a condition, what wrong did I do and what's the point of what is done to me then.

 Sometimes I just end up thinking of what and why. There are times when I find myself utterly innocent and some I can't but to admit that I am at fault. Most times it's just something I have to bear with, compromise. I just have to understand that she's having a rough time dealing with things and also me so I just have to suck it up. But I don't blame her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I say offensive things too but I never mean it and when I feel like I want to and I should, I'd probably shut up before I make more hearts aches and hurt more feelings.

yours truly, riri.

introvert.

Never the right person, I am.

The people I trust are limited. People don't really know the real me. The one who does, I could count with my fingers, on just one hand. I choose not to show people the real me, I keep everything to myself, burry it deep down inside. It eats you up but I've gotten used to that. Not that I like hurting myself, I just have this stupid idea of how the things that bother me, are the things that aren't important to others. 

I just don't like the idea of how I'd go for people when I'm in need 'cause I know I might not afford to be there for them when they're in need. I know most people don't care. I'm scared that I'd just be another inconvenience to the people I seek help from. I judge myself from people's point of view at times. Thinking of how annoying I am to them, such a nuisance, 'cause I am. It kills me even more to share thoughts or problems with those who has never bothered to share theirs with me. I despise how by doing so it makes me feel like a total bonehead for some inexplicable reason.

Anyways, the thought of trusting someone so much, getting attached, freaks the shit outta me. It scares me. Scared of regretting it when they finally end everything and leave.

But to be honest, I'm afraid one day the people I care about, the ones I love the most, will leave because of this.

 yours truly, riri.

vanished.

Everything we once had, all the promises we once made, gone.
Baby, they're gone.

2010 was shit, beautiful shit. 2011 was as shitty as 2010 only worst but it was okay. I met a few people, lose a few more. Lose some gain some, eh? But 2011 left me with a lot of scars. It proved me wrong to every thing I once believed in. Forever, love, friendship, family, even myself.

However, I still believe in miracles. Still believing that there are people who'd stay even when it's easier to just turn around and walk away. I get complicated, difficult to handle, easy to be left. I no longer put my hopes too high, I expect the worst. I lost my bestfriends, family, loved ones. I can't blame them, things change. People change. I changed. I just wish I still have what I had but with or without them, life goes on.

I lost even more this year. Friends around me, in the middle of the loud crowd, yet I still could hear myself think louder than the noise, as if it's been muted in the background and the loneliness is what I feel, empty in a place so content. One minute I have them held in my bare hands, the next it slips away through my fingers without me even realising.

We have drifted from one another, I can't recall my memory of how we grew apart. I thought it'd last. our love, vanished into thin air. The memories come by once or twice a day, knocking on my window, waking me up from my sleep and tormenting me of how I could've save it but I couldn't as if I chose not to. I tried not to remember but they say it's good to think of happy thoughts when you're a bit off. Unfortunately for me the sadness is what makes me content and the happiness, the good times, are what saddens me.

yours truly,

riri.

down.

She hates herself more, every time she starts to cry.

Hysterically choking on her tears.

Since when did crying became a way of relief? It never was to her.
Guess this time the weight was too heavy. She has kept everything inside for way too long. Trying so hard to keep everything together, in the end it doesn't even matter.

She's more dead to herself than she is to everyone else. Walking for so long, searching for home. Lost.

 I don't know what have gotten into me. I've been lacking sleep. I can't shut my eyes, empty my mind and just send the world out away as easy as I used to. I don't know since when did the thought of sleep made me became more chaotic than I were placid. Breaking night isn't such a good idea itself either. It makes me overthink more than I thought I could ever think. It kills. Who knew how tormenting it could end up to be. Slowly eating, killing, you inside. Times like this, cutting seems to be a better solution.

This is by far, the worst kind of emotional breakdown I've been through. I'll pull myself back together. Sooner, or later. I can't break. I just can't let myself do so. I've been holding this thing for way too long, I can't give up. No, not yet, not now. I have time, to fix it. Maybe. Doubt it but, who knows, just maybe? I just need to look on the bright side. Exactly.

yours truly,
riri.

herebyme.

You stayed, not that you have to but because you want to.

They say people come and go but I know you'll stay.

We've been through a lot. We cry, we laugh, we do obnoxious things together. We share secrets and problems, we never get tired of each other. You've always been there for me, listening to my rants and complaints. You've seen me at my worst, the bad and the good sides of mine-you know it all  and you still love me, for who I am no matter how I am. Unlike everyone else, you don't give up on me. while everybody else were busy taking their chance to leave, you just stood there, you stand by me, and stayed. You are what keeps me going. You're one of the reason why I still stay strong, why I won't give everything up. One of my motivation. You're like a firefly, you brighten things up even if you are small, you bright up my whole world. My one and only.

yours truly, riri.

anything but school.

School, what's up with that?

I've been off track lately. I thought this would be the year I start to finally stop with all these skipping school and shit. I'd change, I keep telling myself. I tried, really. The first few weeks of school was okay, I could take it, I could stay but I couldn't change. The thought of going to school makes my heart sink every time. I can't but to repel to this rule of which I "must" go to this place called school that I've been going to ever since I could remember. School has always been alien to me. The thing is, despite me being a total lazy ass, this isn't the reason for it, I just simply, don't wanna go there.

Having friends or not is never the reason. Friends keep encouraging to go, classmates aren't that bad but still, nothing could change this sorta hatred towards school and this thing I have, inside of me, I can't quite put my finger on it, i just  don't know. I can't keep this on. I have exams to get ready for, a future to look forward to. Unfortunately, school and homework isn't what I'm in for doing. Maybe it's how differently I look at things or maybe it's just my rebelliousness. I have to get my head straight, dammit.

yours truly,
riri.

July, already?

6 months, gone.

So it's already July. The first thing that came into my mind after knowing this, would be: wow. I feel like it was just yesterday when I was worrying of how scary this year might end up to be; now after months has passed, who would've thought I'd still be living, breathing. Shamelessly, I've done nothing productive or worked hard enough to achieve my goals for this year and it's almost coming to an end in about four months ahead. Unsurprisingly, I've been a mess lately; a train wreck. On the edge of losing my mind. I never knew I'd end up this way. I just need to suck it up and move my ass on. I need time, motivation, help. I don't have much time left. It's now or never.

yours truly,

riri.

nothing.

Maybe I am, nothing more than this.

Is it too late to turn back time and just restart?

Why is that I feel as if there is no hope left for me,

as if I'm utterly useless.

Where is that dreamer who never gave up even when she had reasons to?

Where is that perky kid who believed that there is more to life than this, that the shit she goes through are just temporary, that soon they'd be rainbows and unicorns and crap like that.

Guess I've lost that. I feel dead to myself. Who am I? What am I?

They're looking down on me.
They see me as this problematic kid who have a strong hatred feeling towards school and homeworks, focusing on what's not important, neglecting the thought of her future, taking things for granted, rebelling on what she should not. Looking at me as if the only thing I have in my messed up mind is love, boys and having fun. How ignorant. 

Is there really no one left in this world who knows me the way no one else does?

yours truly, riri.

prohibition.

I wish I had her blessings unfortunately it's seemingly impossible.

Don't give up on us, I beg. We still have time. We still have each other. We still have trust. We still have those sweet memories, those promises. Don't you remember?

Baby, by now I bet you are/have reading/read this.

We seem so distant from each other nowadays. No one is at fault but somehow I feel like this is a little bit of my fault. When we look back on who we were when we were together, it doesn't make any sense how we could end up this way. The things we've done together, the things we've shared and told each other, everything was a miracle back then. I was enchanted to meet you. We were each others definition of a perfect friendship. We were each others 'everything'. You've always been there for me. You listened to my rants and complaints and you never get tired of lending me a helping hand. We were so tight.

Just so you know, I cherish our friendship. I don't wanna walk away I really don't. I'm sorry if I haven't been such a good friend. Sorry that I don't text or call you every time you come home. We haven't actually really like talked to each other for so long. Sad how we haven't meet for nearly 7 months when we're not even that far away from each other. Sometimes it's like you're here on earth and I'm stuck here in mars. You don't know how much I'm dying to meet you, to talk again and laugh our ass off at stupid yet hilarious random jokes. Those silly faces you always make, I miss a lot.

It's hard, to be like before when my parents don't like the idea of us being friends. Not knowing how you've saved my life and how you're the reason why I started to go back to school, they think you're the bad influence. I beg for your forgiveness for behalf of their ignorance. You're altruistic, yes you are. Too bad they can't see you the way I see you. The only reason we still haven't meet again is because I don't wanna have a row with my mum again. I always do when I talk about you. You've done so much for me, you think I'd just leave you like that without a fight?

No matter what anyone says, you'll always be my bestfriend. That is, unless, you decide that it's time for us to take different paths, of course. People don't get why I still hold on. People don't get why this means so much to me, why you mean so much to me. I might be too late but at least I have told you what I've been dying to. I haven't change, i'm still this annoying silly girl who loves you. I'm still that girl you cheered up at school the day I was so down with no one to talk to with the urge of hurting myself. The things I state here aren't enough to describe how I feel about us and about how my parents are reluctant to hear me out and search the good in you instead of pointing out the bad.

I know, you have new friends, bestfriends but even so, I know you still haven't forget completely about me. You know me, I don't have much friends that's worth being friends with. I'm complicated but you get that. You get me and I appreciate that. God willing when I'm married and have kids of my own, I'll tell them the tales of how we worked this friendship out even when it almost fell apart. I don't know if we're on the same boat here, hoping you'd tell me that we are.

yours truly, riri.

how can you not admit?

How can you admit what you can't admit?

It'd be a lie to say no one cares. It'd be a lie to say that no one loves her. It'd be a lie to say that she's hurt. It'll be a lie to say no one wants her. It's a lie to say she got no friends. It's a lie to say she's got a huge problem.

BUT STILL,

she feels like no one actl cares to care a bit more. To care enough to ask her what her problem is until she express it all out or to make her feel comfortable enough to actually spill it all out. It's just she doesn't know how to put the things that messes up her mind into words/a proper sentence. She knows that there's people out there who loves her but you know there's times in life when you feel like killing yourself just to see who'd cry over your death, to see who really loves you and at times she knows some people love her but all she wants is for the person she loves to loves her the way she loves that person. She's not hurt physically, mentally or even emotionally just, she's tired, of everything. To say that no one wants her would obviously be a lie but she feels unwanted. She sees people becoming friends and staying as friends, as a group, as a gang, happy knowing that none of them wanna lose each other while here she is feeling as if she's and outsider, the third person, just barging in on other people's friendship searching for the friends of her life. To say that she has no friends or bestfriends would be the most unsuitable choices of words. She has them just, it's more to an acquaintance than friends. Not knowing who her bestfriend is anymore or if anyone thinks her of a bestfriend, confuse and scared to admit that she feels so alone even when she's surrounded by so-called bestfriends. She doesn't have a huge problem just, she's her own mess. Screwing herself up and making things more complicated for herself.

 Now who will save her, she keeps asking herself.

yours truly, riri.

strong person, fragile heart.

She's just another not so typical, typical girl who hides the pain behind her smile and laugh at random shit to eased the pain.

She is by far one of the most strongest girl I've known. Altruistic, that's her. Too concern about others, neglecting herself. Helping people when she herself needs help. Trying her best to make others happy as she forgets that she, herself needs happiness too. Always been taken for granted, always been unappreciated however she still smiles and act like one day it'll turn out okay, as if one day people would change and treat her the right way.

I look at her every time, feeling guilty. Being unable to save her or at least change that smile to a real one without the bitterness in between. I haven't even been able to save myself, to help my messed-up self, how could I ever try and help someone else? She's always been there for me but I keep pushing her away. I keep things from her, the way she keeps things from me. Deep inside I know how she feels, I could see it through her eyes.

The story she tells from every move she makes, reminds me of who I used to be. I adore her, I find her beautiful in every aspect, I wish she thought the same way of herself too. She is an amazing person but people are just too ignorant to realise it. I wish I was able to change her life, I wish I was able to give her all that she wants and deserve but i'm just human, I'm just a kid who still is struggling to get an A for Math. She needs attention, she needs someone she feels comfortable to talk to, she should be loved more. She's the girl you would regret leaving.

Here's to Demmy, my love. I hope you'll be okay. I hope you stay strong and when you feel like things are falling apart as if you're about to break, I'll be here. However, I can't promise you. I often walk away from people I love. Soon I'll just be another distant memory and you'll be happier, god willing. I want you to stop holding back. You're all grown up. You should take a stand for yourself. You should know that the only people who tries to bring you down are the ones who aren't content with their own life. 

You deserve better. You're one in a million. People like you are rare like gems. There's no copy, you're an original. You're worth it.

yours truly, riri.

preposterous, they say.

Maybe it's time for me to bail out?

I know, I've been ignoring the people who actually cares about me, who actually wants to be there for me. Ignoring? No it's not like that at all. It's just, I don't trust people. I can't. Not even my so-called bestfriends. Nobody gets it. No one understands. They see it as if I'm doing it on purpose. The thing is, it's inexplicable. I just get too complicated at times. Some people find it uneasy for them, some just can't stand it. Well you know what, I'm bailing out.

 They say I don't know how to appreciate people. They say I'm ungrateful. They say I'm just craving for the attention of my loved ones that I'm not getting. They say I don't understand what I think I do. Well screw them. Strangers, thinking they know me well enough to think so. I know me better than anyone else does. You can't read me like a book. You can't predict what I'll do or how I might feel.

That's human for you, imperfect human beings. No I'm not claiming to be perfect but I am telling you I'm perfect at being me. This is what makes me stop talking to people. They think they know everything. they think it's that easy to get to know me. I wish my holidays won't end, I need more time by myself. I need to get away from school, away from those annoying teachers and stupid homework, I wanna be invisible to the students there. I wanna bail out. I wanna skip everything and run to another world where nothing could ever stress me out. I wanna go to a place where people don't mind how complicated I am, where people don't get tired of me.

I know, this is too much to ask for. I just wanna trust again. I can't, I wish I could but I can't. How do you put it in words? How can you explain that feeling when you just can't change and you can't trust that the only time you trust someone is when you feel like it, you can't control it, you get me here? Maybe I'm not fit to be friends with anyone. Maybe I should just stick to talking to myself and starring at the wall, hanging and locking myself in my room.

yours truly, riri.

no love felt.

Love is bullshit. No, love is beautiful but the person who made you feel like shit when you were in love with him, is.

I've been gamed, I've been heartbroken, I've been cheated on, I've been pushed away but even so, I've never gave up on love. I believe that different people, different way, different kind of appreciation. However, that was back then; that was those days when saying "I love you" and being a couple was my definition of love, when who had the most relationships were cool. Well that was inexplicably idiotic of me. Well I was young and naive. I was a kid. I was still learning from mistakes. I regret it but at the same time it taught me that love, is more than meets the eye.

 My perspective towards love changed 360 degrees when I met this person who literally changed my life, my world to the better. I thought he was the one, well he wasn't. To accept the fact that we're over was easy, to stop myself from remembering all the memories, wasn't. However, I've moved on. He was by far the best guy I've ever been with. He thought me and made me feel everything I never thought existed. I was new to this, it was like I was living in a fairytale minus the happily ever after, of course. They say once you've got the best, why settle down for less than so? You see, when you make someone your 'everything', once they leave you're left with nothing. I got scared of trusting any guy after that. I was so convinced with the thought of how he would never leave since I've told him everything that I forgot how the universe works, of how every time some random stranger comes and turn into one of the people I love the most, they leave in the end. This causes me to not feel love anymore. I keep telling people of how wonderful it is to be in love when I'm actually trying to run away from having such feelings.

I never used to be scared to take risks but this time it's different. It's just inexplicable.

yours truly, riri.