introvert.

Never the right person, I am.

The people I trust are limited. People don't really know the real me. The one who does, I could count with my fingers, on just one hand. I choose not to show people the real me, I keep everything to myself, burry it deep down inside. It eats you up but I've gotten used to that. Not that I like hurting myself, I just have this stupid idea of how the things that bother me, are the things that aren't important to others. 

I just don't like the idea of how I'd go for people when I'm in need 'cause I know I might not afford to be there for them when they're in need. I know most people don't care. I'm scared that I'd just be another inconvenience to the people I seek help from. I judge myself from people's point of view at times. Thinking of how annoying I am to them, such a nuisance, 'cause I am. It kills me even more to share thoughts or problems with those who has never bothered to share theirs with me. I despise how by doing so it makes me feel like a total bonehead for some inexplicable reason.

Anyways, the thought of trusting someone so much, getting attached, freaks the shit outta me. It scares me. Scared of regretting it when they finally end everything and leave.

But to be honest, I'm afraid one day the people I care about, the ones I love the most, will leave because of this.

 yours truly, riri.

vanished.

Everything we once had, all the promises we once made, gone.
Baby, they're gone.

2010 was shit, beautiful shit. 2011 was as shitty as 2010 only worst but it was okay. I met a few people, lose a few more. Lose some gain some, eh? But 2011 left me with a lot of scars. It proved me wrong to every thing I once believed in. Forever, love, friendship, family, even myself.

However, I still believe in miracles. Still believing that there are people who'd stay even when it's easier to just turn around and walk away. I get complicated, difficult to handle, easy to be left. I no longer put my hopes too high, I expect the worst. I lost my bestfriends, family, loved ones. I can't blame them, things change. People change. I changed. I just wish I still have what I had but with or without them, life goes on.

I lost even more this year. Friends around me, in the middle of the loud crowd, yet I still could hear myself think louder than the noise, as if it's been muted in the background and the loneliness is what I feel, empty in a place so content. One minute I have them held in my bare hands, the next it slips away through my fingers without me even realising.

We have drifted from one another, I can't recall my memory of how we grew apart. I thought it'd last. our love, vanished into thin air. The memories come by once or twice a day, knocking on my window, waking me up from my sleep and tormenting me of how I could've save it but I couldn't as if I chose not to. I tried not to remember but they say it's good to think of happy thoughts when you're a bit off. Unfortunately for me the sadness is what makes me content and the happiness, the good times, are what saddens me.

yours truly,

riri.