sappy wonders.

I wonder if he wonders
because I always wonder
of what he wonders
when he wonders
about me.

I wonder if he knows how often I think about him, these days there doesn't seem to be a limit, too often that I do, even when I think I'm not. If he notices how I stare at him when he looks elsewhere and worry of what's going on in that mind of his, was it me, was I boring. If he knows some moments when I reply later than usual, I am there just staring at the message he sent, either smiling or thinking, of my luck, wishing he was there to be replied by my face expression instead of just words. If he knows that when I say I would never trade him for people from the past, that I wasn't kidding. If he knows how much I appreciate what he has done and reimagine or reminisce the things that has been said or done every night. If he could tell that if I could, I would want him all to myself. If he worries of me ever leaving for someone better, when it has been said that he is the best.

If he wonders if I was lying when I said no guy ever attracts my attention anymore, that I don't bother to look at other guys or turn my head to the ones passing by for their pretty faces or so-called perfect toned bodies, because after all I am a girl. But we all know that it's no lie, far from it truthfully. We are all aware of the fact that it's not guys I am attracted to, though the ones I fall for, I let them know, because after all, I am his girl and this I don't wonder if he knows.

I know he does.

-riri-

you are what you live with.

When you look back,
what was it that makes you so sad,
was it the happiness that you felt,
the glow you no longer have,
the eyes that once shine,
the legs that once ran,
the hands that held it all together,
the heart that once believed,
the nightmares that were once dreams,
the strength that never went weak,
the truth you lived to,
the lies you never spoke,
the things you were into,
the promises before it broke

And it is then when you realise,
the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree,
what you saw and swore not to be,
you have grown up to become.

-riri-

but I don't.

I wish I knew,
mum, dad,
I really wish I do.
But I don't.

Sometimes there are no words,
to ever explain what is going on in my head.
Sometimes they get stuck in my throat,
only letting me feel what I once felt.
I try to shake it off.
I try to let it go.
But the harder I try,
the more it won't come off.

I wish I knew,
mum, dad,
the problem,
a way out,
but I don't.

I really don't.

-riri-

there when it isn't.

It is in the evening, or the afternoon if you prefer,
coming home from school, or being dropped off at home,
left alone maybe, is when you can feel the difference.

Either calm or lonely or maybe a bit too quiet. Maybe even all of the above. In school, in class, outside, in public, it all feels the same whether or not you are in a crowd or walking alone. Nothing felt missing. Nothing to lose nor there was anything to gain. However, here, you feel a slight emptiness, a longing, something missing, something rather, different. That's how it is with the people you love.

It isn't about what they do or how much they say, it's their presence. Their vibe, that aura, that comfort, that familiarness, the feeling of home I could say. In that particular moment of silence, is when you know.

-riri-

i wish i knew.

If I could tell you how I feel about you,
I would be sure to mention
that although you are a sweetheart
that although you have charisma
that although your shy smile makes me forget about the sky
that although when you tell tales I would wish for it to not come to an end
that although I cannot deny that I get excited over you starting the conversation
that although I wish my days to come are to be spent with you
that although there are days where I wish you didn't need to go
that although whenever things seems bad it is worst without you
that although some nights seems so empty without you
that although I imagine scenarios in my head of you and I,

that I do not,
for some reason,
like you.

If I could tell you how I feel about you,
I would be sure to mention
that although sometimes you're ignorant
that although sometimes I want to cut you off
that although sometimes I can't even look you in the face
because it hurts
that although sometimes I wish it wasn't just stories, but things deeper
that although there are days where you start talking with the wrong words to begin with
that although sometimes it hits me that you couldn't stand me for too long
that although there are days where I wish you would just walk away (but I don't)
that although sometimes when things are going bad,it hurts more when you can't notice
that some nights I realised you could be better off without me
that although I am aware of how I can never be the girl you need in my mind

that although
I for some reason,
do not like you,
I can't deny the fact,
that I genuinely,
love you.

that although
I wish for there to be a reason to,
I do not have one for I just simply,
love you,
that inexplicably,
I just do.

I just love you,
I fucking love you.

-riri-

what a mistake does.

Mistakes, some forgivable, some not quite.
Mistakes, some learned from, some repeated.
Mistakes, some making sense, some illogical.
Mistakes, some subtle, some too much.

Mistakes, some you can just let go of, some you have to face the consequences. These mistakes you do depends on who you do it upon. You need to realised what you have done and sometimes, even, make up for it because you don't know how much it could affect a person. The way you trust someone enough not to do a certain thing and one day they just do. It's not that easy to forget about it, to be fine with it to not let it bother you when in fact it does. Because the fear of it repeating scares the shit out of you. Do you understand how that is?

I guess, this is back to your history but with different people, same promises. Trust issues isn't something to make fun of or play with because it gets you paranoid, timid, it's frustrating that no matter what you know or how much you wish you could, you can't. Especially when you've open up for once and like the other times that made you who you are today, you are let down again. So tell me how do I do this again and teach me how to trust with all that I have one more time but God, let it be with the right person once and for all because there wouldn't be a next time. I'm guessing, is also a reason for me to hold on, and tell myself that this one is true, because this one came to you. It does not take away the fear, still. I am scared to the bones, still. I want to leave before I am left. I don't think I could stand the same kind of pain and betrayal, again.

But one more chance world. Just one last chance from me world. Simply, because I can't let go of this guy. Simply, because I know I can love him better. Just because I love him, still, simply.

-riri-

management derangement.

A year and a half to go.
That's it. Thats all. So go.

It feels like forever because of the things you have to go through just to get there but it's just in a blink of an eye for it to hit you that you're already there. That maybe the time you have wasted made the process faster than you thought it would have. Question is was it worth it or would you now be stuck in a state of regret wanting to turn back time and go back to finish what you didn't do but should had?

A's for the basics at least and I can already head my way, where this time the choice is mine to make and the decisions is in my hand. Had the idea straighten up and drilled to the back of my mind. It got me a way to escape. Unfortunately, the only way there is isn't the way I have hoped it would be.  It became really clear to me at night, of the days to come, the obstacles to overcome and when to do what I need to and where it should be done. Just, some things aren't as easy as it seems.

Morning came, so did the rush and the panic, the aches and once again, I just wanted the day to be over. I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away. Everything became blurry, all hopes, dreams, determination, purpose, the whole lot of it. That's when it hit me again, that I'm no longer that girl in third grade working my ass off for everything. It isn't as easy anymore. I can't pull myself together and simply just go with it. I can't push myself into doing those things anymore, it couldn't matter less to me now no matter how much I know that it should. That girl is gone, now here sitting at the back struggling to focus, to pay enough attention, to not zone out but all that's there is the body, no longer the mind.

How long are you planning to waste time and
drown yourself in that pithole of depression?

I don't know. I really, genuinely don't.

-riri-