day 8 in the ghost house.

It hasn't even been a day since he left and my mind is already deteriorating. I'm the best at making it all look so effortless. For that it's often than not difficult to believe. Though the ones closest to me knows more than I could ever mention. As much as I resent saying this, sometimes I actually believe everyone's forgotten about it. I do what I do to get through. 

It doesn't look like much, in fact I look better than ever although not physically. However everyday's a constant battle and mine isn't over yet. It's been 8 days, soon 9; I'm keeping track of my-could-be-or-soon-to-be-the-start-of-my-lowest-point. Although this time it's different, a bit too blessed now that I have him by my side. Nevertheless, we all know where this could lead to. A bit too much almost each time and everyday, still he stays and copes with me. Always trying to catch up, I tend to forget that my mind works in ways susceptible to me yet complicated for others. Off track, I choose to overlook this. 

To be honest, I don't have the exact words for my current state or condition right this instance. A couple hours has passed since I wrote this and he's already on his way to me. I know this is a lot for him too. God knows how much I can't repay all the hours I've taken and his time I've wasted. It's just that this time, I can no longer afford to do this all alone. Even if nobody understands, I hope the ones who stick by me have faith in me. This was never on purpose, I never asked for this.

-riri-

remnants of thoughts that never left.

I haven't slept as early or willingly as I did last night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, heart racing, mind in shock, often on the verge of crying, I fear the things I can't make anyone see. Some nights a bit more harsh. Mind empty but it all feels so heavy. The nothingness so loud, I hear the silence screeching. I have the world in my hands when I'm undeserving. I don't have the words for the the type of abhorrence and love I have for myself. Smothered in guilt, I see myself chewing on my own flesh and skin. Refusing to be aware but I fear not knowing. Some moments terrified of everything, somedays the fear is of me. It tells me I want nothing more but to drown, I think of staying afloat, I move towards crashing down. No yes no yes no yes yes yes yes yes yes stop- I'm running off a cliff, no it's just a balcony, no- I don't want to be here yet I've nowhere to run. I've no clue to where I should go. I can't tell you what it is that is pushing me so vigorously into destruction. I am not lost, I'm out of my mind. I just want to go.

-riri-

guess again.

"I don't know where to go"

At the moment, I still don't. I keep on thinking I do up until the moment people start getting annoyed or frustrated. Everyone tells you they want to be there but the second you get too much, they're going to turn their backs on you. I keep getting thrown the same feelings over different words combined together from all the suffocation I cause. In the end even if no one is at fault, I am in the wrong. Having a mind you can't control, with everyone you love whom deserves so much better, I can't help but to think how everything could be so much clearer for everyone involved with me if I were to go. Ironic, guess I knew after all.

-riri-

conflict.

Reading back, you have always been the only one I was ever so eager to get to talk to.

Now I'm not sure if I should even be talking to you.

-riri-

14/12/16 affection.

Perhaps I have a bit of affection for everyone.
Because waiting for someone to feel the same feels like forever.

-riri-

15/12/16 i cried so you asked.

"Kalau you tak kisah, kenapa you menangis?"
Sebab I kisah tapi I tahu I tak patut kisah.

-riri-

it's just me.

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense with me even if it makes sense to me. I can never really get my point across when it comes to sharing what I have in mind, with anyone at all. I don't expect everyone to understand and I know that some tries to. When they believe they have it figured out, I know they do, however not with the things that I want them to. I can't make people see what I do. My mind works in ways that don't correspond with most and their head is not mine to know. How do I make people believe that I can feel the weight they carry without having to be in the same situation when I say I do- the way I can't stress enough how much I mean what I say even if I seem to move in the direction contrary to all I claim to know and believe in.

It's not like that, it's not like this, yes, no, both - my head doesn't go in one straight direction, as sure as I can be. It's all contradictory and I'm in peace with it surprisingly. Although there are moments where it seems unbelievable. I know what it's like- I'm never talking to just one. There is always another voice, sound, being, I believe to be roaming around nearby, creating wars inside of me. I'm not crazy, I'm not sane. I talk and it comes out as barks. Giving out my point of view of things and I'm mistaken for being antagonistic. I come off as a snob, at times ungrateful and I'm good still. I don't need to explain myself just because people have a problem with it. I've wasted too many breaths trying to change things, wanting to be understood just for people's own convenience too. I'm often speechless in the end. I keep repeating the same words wishfully thinking that perhaps one day, someone sees it the way I do.

I believe if they ever do, they can finally see how I was never here to be right- I'm only here for the insights. I am not one to stick around for long. It's not my place to belong yet it's not that alone, is all I longed for. It is nice to know that to someone, you aren't anyone but you, in ways that you are not at all odd or disdained. I just want to talk a bit, sometimes too much. So listen if  you may, because no one really does. I only ask for what I am able to give in return. Stingy with time, for some it's all I willingly give. Full of questions, I always sound so skeptical. I'm allowed to be careful, most people omit to with me. Often misunderstood, I'm not one eager to argue or fight. My mistake is whenever I try to make things right. I go in too deep for the truth, reminding myself how I'm just trying to be honest, watching it all backfire more often than not.

It's a whole long journey and no one wants to stay till the end to know. People receive incomplete puzzles as I gain a new collection of all that is unsaid. I'm not saying you have to stay, far from implying how much everyone is itching to go away. As much as I forget, I remember more than anyone wants me to. I am responsible over myself for everything anyone has ever left me with to carry on my own. Just because I talk about being alone doesn't mean that I'm asking you to go. Each time I'm reminded by how it is for me to be where I was, believing all this is what I deserve, I so desperately hope that for once, someone knows; that somebody hears it too, the ear-splitting cries in all this silence. Everyones' so loud I sometimes neglect my own.

It gets lonelier being where you feel most at home, yet knowing you are not to them what they are to you. I don't always have the right words to say it exactly as it is enough to possibly be easy to grasp but believe in me, I know most people don't. I know they are not obliged to. So what is the value of trust to a person if it is so painless to break despite being the most difficult to gain? I'm never right wherever I go as long as my intentions are unknown. I guess it's never enough to give it your all. Naked and vulnerable. I don't need the whole world to acknowledge my existence or who I am as a person. I just want him to know, so I don't find the need to go. I'm never anywhere else than where he is if he is, with me. 

Even with the distance and long pauses, I've never took a step further from the only thing I want most; what I know he believes in too though for the time being, unknown. I wish he knew what it means when I tell him I am alone. I always am when he is gone. I don't mean for it to be literal. I don't how to tell him that everyone has and wants him without making anyone misunderstand. With a lot on his plate, I take the most space. He has seen me furious and I have had my fair share of anger. Nevertheless, I have never really been mad at him. If I were able I would change everything before it even gets to where it is now just so he doesn't have to feel what he does, but I can't even make him see what I'm trying to be.

In the end I'm brought back to where I am. Uninterested, alone. How could you blame me? I was never a fan of people and their crowds. I'm not meant to stay anywhere for too long. However despite all that is said, with him comes a point where I don't care at all. For everything that infuriates or devastates me, I tend to put aside or let go. At the end I still believe the things I do, that I deny, because with him nothing yet is as excruciating as not having him around or to know that he has it all wrong. I wasn't lying when I spoke of us. Even when I do, I don't care about this as much as I care about him. Is it that hard to believe? That I've got nothing more than all I give.

-riri-

no grass is greener on the other side.

In my head I saw what I so strongly felt.

I said all that I knew, surprised-

I never thought it would be you.

Feeling his presence; you are 'it', as if you are him.

Broke down in tears, you don't understand what I mean.

I'm so broke it's whole to me. Isn't it clear already?

How all that you think I do, isn't at all for you. It's just me. 

I am with you as the person I am.

Who you let me become, whoever you believe could become of me.

It's not like that all, it's how you ask it to be.

Don't look where it's gone, I've never left you on your own.

-riri-