look at me now.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

it's just me.

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense with me even if it makes sense to me. I can never really get my point across when it comes to sharing what I have in mind, with anyone at all. I don't expect everyone to understand and I know that some tries to. When they believe they have it figured out, I know they do, however not with the things that I want them to. I can't make people see what I do. My mind works in ways that don't correspond with most and their head is not mine to know. How do I make people believe that I can feel the weight they carry without having to be in the same situation when I say I do- the way I can't stress enough how much I mean what I say even if I seem to move in the direction contrary to all I claim to know and believe in.

It's not like that, it's not like this, yes, no, both - my head doesn't go in one straight direction, as sure as I can be. It's all contradictory and I'm in peace with it surprisingly. Although there are moments where it seems unbelievable. I know what it's like- I'm never talking to just one. There is always another voice, sound, being, I believe to be roaming around nearby, creating wars inside of me. I'm not crazy, I'm not sane. I talk and it comes out as barks. Giving out my point of view of things and I'm mistaken for being antagonistic. I come off as a snob, at times ungrateful and I'm good still. I don't need to explain myself just because people have a problem with it. I've wasted too many breaths trying to change things, wanting to be understood just for people's own convenience too. I'm often speechless in the end. I keep repeating the same words wishfully thinking that perhaps one day, someone sees it the way I do.

I believe if they ever do, they can finally see how I was never here to be right- I'm only here for the insights. I am not one to stick around for long. It's not my place to belong yet it's not that alone, is all I longed for. It is nice to know that to someone, you aren't anyone but you, in ways that you are not at all odd or disdained. I just want to talk a bit, sometimes too much. So listen if  you may, because no one really does. I only ask for what I am able to give in return. Stingy with time, for some it's all I willingly give. Full of questions, I always sound so skeptical. I'm allowed to be careful, most people omit to with me. Often misunderstood, I'm not one eager to argue or fight. My mistake is whenever I try to make things right. I go in too deep for the truth, reminding myself how I'm just trying to be honest, watching it all backfire more often than not.

It's a whole long journey and no one wants to stay till the end to know. People receive incomplete puzzles as I gain a new collection of all that is unsaid. I'm not saying you have to stay, far from implying how much everyone is itching to go away. As much as I forget, I remember more than anyone wants me to. I am responsible over myself for everything anyone has ever left me with to carry on my own. Just because I talk about being alone doesn't mean that I'm asking you to go. Each time I'm reminded by how it is for me to be where I was, believing all this is what I deserve, I so desperately hope that for once, someone knows; that somebody hears it too, the ear-splitting cries in all this silence. Everyones' so loud I sometimes neglect my own.

It gets lonelier being where you feel most at home, yet knowing you are not to them what they are to you. I don't always have the right words to say it exactly as it is enough to possibly be easy to grasp but believe in me, I know most people don't. I know they are not obliged to. So what is the value of trust to a person if it is so painless to break despite being the most difficult to gain? I'm never right wherever I go as long as my intentions are unknown. I guess it's never enough to give it your all. Naked and vulnerable. I don't need the whole world to acknowledge my existence or who I am as a person. I just want him to know, so I don't find the need to go. I'm never anywhere else than where he is if he is, with me. 

Even with the distance and long pauses, I've never took a step further from the only thing I want most; what I know he believes in too though for the time being, unknown. I wish he knew what it means when I tell him I am alone. I always am when he is gone. I don't mean for it to be literal. I don't how to tell him that everyone has and wants him without making anyone misunderstand. With a lot on his plate, I take the most space. He has seen me furious and I have had my fair share of anger. Nevertheless, I have never really been mad at him. If I were able I would change everything before it even gets to where it is now just so he doesn't have to feel what he does, but I can't even make him see what I'm trying to be.

In the end I'm brought back to where I am. Uninterested, alone. How could you blame me? I was never a fan of people and their crowds. I'm not meant to stay anywhere for too long. However despite all that is said, with him comes a point where I don't care at all. For everything that infuriates or devastates me, I tend to put aside or let go. At the end I still believe the things I do, that I deny, because with him nothing yet is as excruciating as not having him around or to know that he has it all wrong. I wasn't lying when I spoke of us. Even when I do, I don't care about this as much as I care about him. Is it that hard to believe? That I've got nothing more than all I give.


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