Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Monday, 21 July 2014
"You and me against the world."
I like the sound of that. Most of all, the idea of it.
As the dark took over my room,
Thoughts of him took over me.
I couldn't really tell if losing him is despairing or if really, it seemed more surreal to even have a reaction to. Blurry like a fog or a haze. Again this seems familiar to me, how it started and how the ending would turn out to be. Just this time, oddly of me to, I choose to wait. Wait and see, wait and try, wait if it would change until the day this invisible huge sign aiming at me to get over it and move on hits me. I could if I wanted to, but I don't. Not today, not this time and not this week. I don't want to block things that willingly land into my mind, out. I'm not in with moving on and sweeping the thought of it under the carpet. I feel drained out of all my energy to stay focus. Yet the more I let myself be, the more constant his being and distant memories come back to me. Maybe not at all distant, just at one point, put aside. Everything is rushing through my head unexpectedly. Still, I don't have a say to it. I let things in, I get attach, they walk out. I gave out the rules, now I abhor every rule I laid out. This person, I never wanted it to go to waste. I wanted us, it seemed like the only thing I had control over, the only thing that was up to me to decide because one way or another no matter how many times it had hurt, it gave me the slightest bit of hope, the kind of happiness I don't want to lose again. He kept me sane. Now I'm afloat.
The first few times I thought of the pain that was absent each time we part, and how it must have been, maybe if not anything else, the feeling that were never there. The kind only he felt but presence never seen on my side. It grew on me the idea of how it couldn't have been that, in fact maybe we were without our own acknowledgement, are just, simply, comfortable. Mild or modest. With that it makes more sense of how holding his hands felt, it felt what it felt. There were hands I held that felt right but not quite, some felt wrong, even cold, sometimes forceful. With my hands in his, it felt like I understood the meaning of those cheesy comics I once couldn't stop reading while still in primary school: the warmth of hands bigger than yours, you just want to kiss those hands that at every moment it held you, makes you feel secure, wanted, loved and safe. I'll always love how we do it. The smirks and barely audible giggles every time one or another grabs either one's hand. How his smell lingers around I could just dig my face into his chest and let the moment freeze. Most of all is how we look at each other, how could you forget or not even once imagine how you look like from above of how a person stares right into your eyes as you do to theirs and as if something were about to happened, we wouldn't let it so I laugh a bit and look away. How when on escalators you just want to lean your head against his shoulders and kiss it or when he could be a step below you, talking or doing nothing at all making you have this sudden strong urge to just screech then tell him of how cute he is you could just kiss his adorable face, dip him in peanut butter and eat him up.
I would trade just about anything for us to lasts. I was reaching that point where I wouldn't mind going anywhere as long as it would be with him and I know how stupid that sounds for someone like me but I can't deny. I was already at that point. Waiting for us to grow older, still together, and if ever anyone says anything to go against it I could be able to say I would know, because I know him better and he knows me and I find that what we have is more important than what anyone has to say about it because when two people are together, really together as one, for enough time to really get to know and learn each other, despite having bestfriends or family members they should be the one to know each other the best. I'd want and love that. To be someone significant enough for once, and for all sincerely, without doubt, become someone's everything. Because I know for sure that if he let me, he would be my everything. He might already be.
How do you expect me to cope with that?
I can't figure it out yet. I don't think I really want to.
I'm okay with still having thoughts of us.
I was ecstatic, I was eager
I felt safe, I felt butterflies
We hugged goodbye
I stood behind to see you walk away
I stayed to see you fade into the crowd
I never told you
The second time we met
I wish I could've said more
Showed you around with my family going at it
I know this vibe, I know as if I've been here before
I have, and the way you explained to me how the day was to you,
reminded me of the past somehow
I never told you
But I thought "God please make this one lasts"
The third time we met
It was awkward I knew
You had your friends, I had my family
All I wanted at the moment was for it to be me and you
We shared a drink, you don't do that but you did then
Small talk, soon a bit deeper, but not enough
But I remember what you said, I'll remember what you said
"Tapi you tetap sabrina I. Sabrina yang I sayang."
Remember why you said so? I did. I do.
We hugged goodbye, it felt strange I know
Because it almost felt like nothing to be true
Fourth time we met
The last time if you wish
My eyesight has gotten horrible by now
I couldn't quite see you without a squint
Still I knew, I had a feeling it was you
You came in for a hug, I was in a rush to sent sya away
Believe me if I could I would've hugged you forever there
But I couldn't
Finally a movie for us, who knew fate would agree
Eyes set to the screen, I tried not to look at you
Not sure of what you had in mind back then but what I had in mine was,
"Don't turn to your side, don't you ever stare, because you know,
you know you can't help but to-" and so I focused
Yet I notice the stolen glances, the stares, I just couldn't risk not breathing
I couldn't risk collapsing into your arms, I detach, I tried
All I wanted was to be with you, to take hold of every second
My phone kept ringing, vibrating from calls and messages from my mum, my brother
Turning away every 5 minutes to reply with you on my right, perfectly there
I wish I could've payed attention more to you, I know I wanted to
I felt every heartbeat, I felt adrenaline rushing, I felt my face sinking into a hot red blush
I wanted to be with you more than anything, I wish I could've showed, I could've said
But I was frozen,
as if all the nerves in me had stopped working
I did nothing
when I could've done so much.
We hugged our goodbyes
It didn't left me as calm as it once did
It felt like a losing
As if I was letting go
It brought me chills down my spine
As it disheartened me
I never told you.
I thought this day would save it all.
This day I couldn't be more grateful of.
It didn't matter what happened next.
I just wanted to make it, me and you.
This would be the last time, I said.
You came up to me, decently you smiled.
Maybe next time I said.
I notice how when I write about you, I start with the side. No longer the middle. Always where it is to be, the left. This is what is left of you in my head, and me without us. I always have so much in my head to say, so much left unsaid because always I wait. I wait for the right time. For the perfect moment. When I know, I know for sure that there is never a moment like so but when we meet eye to eye. Too bad often my words stumble into a lump in my throat and I bite back my tongue with thoughts of how I should not, not now. Now I might never get the chance to say all the things I've longed for you to hear, every honesty and sound of sincerity present in my voice as I stutter my words. Things never get through the way I want it to. I understand how hard it must have been for anyone. Every awkward pause, every "wait a minute" every "oh and far..", ends with nothing, a smile, a hug, a kiss when there is so much more to that and every time I fail myself. So simple yet so complicated. It makes me feel bad if it ever made you felt as if you weren't special enough to have not been treated or greeted a certain way. Not even with you can I be spontaneous enough to not have situations ever fall into awkwardness. I tried a bit harder last time.
Last time, "the start where the end starts"
I've always hated this part right here but I never bothered or have I put much thought into it in past events but with you god I wish it didn't have to be this way. I guess I was hoping this wasn't just another fling. Oppose to the thought of having to compare this to being similar to any of what the past has been. Although we went back to being what we once were minus the part where you were trying to win me over because I lost you this time, trying to fix what I no longer have control over. We could really have a good laugh at it now, looking back at where we started and how I was with what I am now and what I've been trying to do. I watch my steps so I won't trip, but with you I stumbled, I fell, I fell hard. Even if it was later on, was it not real? Isn't it still? I never said things for the sake of saying and all I felt and spoke of was true. Is still true. I could stop now put the thought aside and do things my way, leaving you at the back of my mind long enough to vanish completely but I can't fathom myself as well of why I'm still going on. Why I bother to try, as if it were a responsibility to keep you happy even when you might be even better without me. So I stand still, waiting by the door if you ever changed your mind. I don't know why. I can't even tell or say why I would embarrass myself and be stupid enough to go against my principles and beliefs but here I am.
If you could ever find the heart to forgive yourself, to look deep inside to forgive me, to forgive us and give it another go, we could. I know I talk about fate a lot, but you know I would have never let you go if you never held on to me so loosely. Besides, isn't the choices are for us to decide? Even if we don't fit or go along the way we see people around us do, it's only because we are our own kind. We are us, what others are or think doesn't matter. No?
followed by a particular feeling churning in my gut,
I've felt, I've been through this before, I know,
Suddenly it hit me, might have I mistaken the fear,
And I did.
Sunday, 20 July 2014
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed
We used to take turns
To cover up the pain
And deep below it burns
And the feelin' still remains
You're gonna find someone new
I really hope you do 'cause I love you
And the sun will come on through
It's gonna shine for you 'cause I adore you
Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn
And the road travels on
But I'm still near you
In my life, like a song
I will still hear you, still
Saturday, 19 July 2014
I go on with my days doing things contrary to whatever that might bring my mind back to dwell on him but this funny thing keeps happening, the part where things I come across or discover by random are those that can't help but to remind me of him, or at least the few details I know of him. It's pretty interesting to me, to be over it but not quite. Seems familiar what this is. I've been here before. Never knew I would again. I never prepared myself thinking it would last, even when I saw signs of it ending. I wonder why I went on with it anyway. Maybe to prove a point. But what point could be made to ever make sense now? For being an idiot, enough to have gone against your own beliefs, defying the truth of how reality works. I guess. That's the problem with believing. You gave out the last piece of you to someone you knew would give you reasons legit enough to have not to in the first place. As much as I'd like to say I told myself so I can't, half of me has always thought differently and who knows maybe deep down inside it still does. No regrets.
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Saturday, 12 July 2014
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
I can't reach out to them as much as they want to reach out for me. Everybody tells me I'm not trying but I've gotten through years alone with this going on and being told so, it makes it seem like all the effort meant absolutely nothing. And I'm tired. I'm really tired.
Thursday, 3 July 2014
tetap gagah tabah walau dihempas tempias tangisan masa lalu,
bertemunya akhirnya lembut diserah, aku mengaku kalah
seperti yang terdahulunya,
sama janji janji mereka,
yang masih tertanam di lubuk hati ini,
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
I never wanted to push him away. I just wanted to make him understand. But I guess every time I try to, it only leads to both of us feeling guilty and worthless. From the dad to the boyfriend, I never get along with guys the way I should normally do as a girl. Sometimes I don't know what I am but pretty sure I'm neither a girl or a boy. I think that's my biggest talent of all, being what is needed but unwanted, the best at making people feel or acknowledged how useless they are to tell them later on of how they're not at all. I'm like reality shoving at your face whilst you were lullabied by this amazing yet preposterous idea of how things should really be.
I like talks, if it means what it used to. I just wanted us to talk and fix what we failed to once, so we could be a better us. I was just trying to be honest but honesty never did much for me in life anyway. I never asked for much but the littlest things cost so much it disheartens me to be taking so much from so little.
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Have remorse for what you've done
though there's no turning back
and the words you've spoken
you can never take back
The pain you've caused
and all souls of the hearts you had broke
will come choking you by the neck
and away with with your soul
You'll be left cold and forgotten
torn apart, old and crippled
living in all regrets
rotting with the thoughts inside your head.