could I have been wrong.

"you want me when I am happy, and when you are sad.

you don't want me when I am sad, and when you are happy."

That maybe, you never wanted me at all.

-riri-

my pride is no longer inside.

He once said:
"You and me against the world."
I like the sound of that. Most of all, the idea of it.

As the dark took over my room,
Thoughts of him took over me.

I couldn't really tell if losing him is despairing or if really, it seemed more surreal to even have a reaction to. Blurry like a fog or a haze. Again this seems familiar to me, how it started and how the ending would turn out to be. Just this time, oddly of me to, I choose to wait. Wait and see, wait and try, wait if it would change until the day this invisible huge sign aiming at me to get over it and move on hits me. I could if I wanted to, but I don't. Not today, not this time and not this week. I don't want to block things that willingly land into my mind, out. I'm not in with moving on and sweeping the thought of it under the carpet. I feel drained out of all my energy to stay focus. Yet the more I let myself be, the more constant his being and distant memories come back to me. Maybe not at all distant, just at one point, put aside. Everything is rushing through my head unexpectedly. Still, I don't have a say to it. I let things in, I get attach, they walk out. I gave out the rules, now I abhor every rule I laid out. This person, I never wanted it to go to waste. I wanted us, it seemed like the only thing I had control over, the only thing that was up to me to decide because one way or another no matter how many times it had hurt, it gave me the slightest bit of hope, the kind of happiness I don't want to lose again. He kept me sane. Now I'm afloat.

The first few times I thought of the pain that was absent each time we part, and how it must have been, maybe if not anything else, the feeling that were never there. The kind only he felt but presence never seen on my side. It grew on me the idea of how it couldn't have been that, in fact maybe we were without our own acknowledgement, are just, simply, comfortable. Mild or modest. With that it makes more sense of how holding his hands felt, it felt what it felt. There were hands I held that felt right but not quite, some felt wrong, even cold, sometimes forceful. With my hands in his, it felt like I understood the meaning of those cheesy comics I once couldn't stop reading while still in primary school: the warmth of hands bigger than yours, you just want to kiss those hands that at every moment it held you, makes you feel secure, wanted, loved and safe. I'll always love how we do it. The smirks and barely audible giggles every time one or another grabs either one's hand. How his smell lingers around I could just dig my face into his chest and let the moment freeze. Most of all is how we look at each other, how could you forget or not even once imagine how you look like from above of how a person stares right into your eyes as you do to theirs and as if something were about to happened, we wouldn't let it so I laugh a bit and look away. How when on escalators you just want to lean your head against his shoulders and kiss it or when he could be a step below you, talking or doing nothing at all making you have this sudden strong urge to just screech then tell him of how cute he is you could just kiss his adorable face, dip him in peanut butter and eat him up.

I would trade just about anything for us to lasts. I was reaching that point where I wouldn't mind going anywhere as long as it would be with him and I know how stupid that sounds for someone like me but I can't deny. I was already at that point. Waiting for us to grow older, still together, and if ever anyone says anything to go against it I could be able to say I would know, because I know him better and he knows me and I find that what we have is more important than what anyone has to say about it because when two people are together, really together as one, for enough time to really get to know and learn each other, despite having bestfriends or family members they should be the one to know each other the best. I'd want and love that. To be someone significant enough for once, and for all sincerely, without doubt, become someone's everything. Because I know for sure that if he let me, he would be my everything. He might already be.

How do you expect me to cope with that?
I can't figure it out yet. I don't think I really want to.
I'm okay with still having thoughts of us.

-riri-

maybe in another life.

The first time we met
I was ecstatic, I was eager
I felt safe, I felt butterflies
We hugged goodbye
I stood behind to see you walk away
I stayed to see you fade into the crowd
I never told you

The second time we met
I wish I could've said more
Showed you around with my family going at it
I know this vibe, I know as if I've been here before
I have, and the way you explained to me how the day was to you,
reminded me of the past somehow
I never told you
But I thought "God please make this one lasts"

The third time we met
It was awkward I knew
You had your friends, I had my family
All I wanted at the moment was for it to be me and you
We shared a drink, you don't do that but you did then
Small talk, soon a bit deeper, but not enough
But I remember what you said, I'll remember what you said
"Tapi you tetap sabrina I. Sabrina yang I sayang."
Remember why you said so? I did. I do.
We hugged goodbye, it felt strange I know
Because it almost felt like nothing to be true

Fourth time we met
The last time if you wish
My eyesight has gotten horrible by now
I couldn't quite see you without a squint
Still I knew, I had a feeling it was you
You came in for a hug, I was in a rush to sent sya away
Believe me if I could I would've hugged you forever there
But I couldn't
Finally a movie for us, who knew fate would agree
Eyes set to the screen, I tried not to look at you
Not sure of what you had in mind back then but what I had in mine was,
"Don't turn to your side, don't you ever stare, because you know,
you know you can't help but to-" and so I focused
Yet I notice the stolen glances, the stares, I just couldn't risk not breathing
I couldn't risk collapsing into your arms, I detach, I tried
All I wanted was to be with you, to take hold of every second
My phone kept ringing, vibrating from calls and messages from my mum, my brother
Turning away every 5 minutes to reply with you on my right, perfectly there
I wish I could've payed attention more to you, I know I wanted to
I felt every heartbeat, I felt adrenaline rushing, I felt my face sinking into a hot red blush
I wanted to be with you more than anything, I wish I could've showed, I could've said

But I was frozen,
to excitement
nervousness
nauseated
as if all the nerves in me had stopped working
I did nothing
when I could've done so much.
We hugged our goodbyes
It didn't left me as calm as it once did
It felt like a losing
As if I was letting go
It brought me chills down my spine
As it disheartened me
I never told you.

I thought this day would save it all.
This day I couldn't be more grateful of.
It didn't matter what happened next.
I just wanted to make it, me and you.
Always.

-riri-

unsaid.

Hello, I said. I'm talking to you.
This would be the last time, I said.
You came up to me, decently you smiled.
Maybe next time I said.

I notice how when I write about you, I start with the side. No longer the middle. Always where it is to be, the left. This is what is left of you in my head, and me without us. I always have so much in my head to say, so much left unsaid because always I wait. I wait for the right time. For the perfect moment. When I know, I know for sure that there is never a moment like so but when we meet eye to eye. Too bad often my words stumble into a lump in my throat and I bite back my tongue with thoughts of how I should not, not now. Now I might never get the chance to say all the things I've longed for you to hear, every honesty and sound of sincerity present in my voice as I stutter my words. Things never get through the way I want it to. I understand how hard it must have been for anyone. Every awkward pause, every "wait a minute" every "oh and far..", ends with nothing, a smile, a hug, a kiss when there is so much more to that and every time I fail myself. So simple yet so complicated. It makes me feel bad if it ever made you felt as if you weren't special enough to have not been treated or greeted a certain way. Not even with you can I be spontaneous enough to not have situations ever fall into awkwardness. I tried a bit harder last time.

Last time, "the start where the end starts"
I've always hated this part right here but I never bothered or have I put much thought into it in past events but with you god I wish it didn't have to be this way. I guess I was hoping this wasn't just another fling. Oppose to the thought of having to compare this to being similar to any of what the past has been. Although we went back to being what we once were minus the part where you were trying to win me over because I lost you this time, trying to fix what I no longer have control over. We could really have a good laugh at it now, looking back at where we started and how I was with what I am now and what I've been trying to do. I watch my steps so I won't trip, but with you I stumbled, I fell, I fell hard. Even if it was later on, was it not real? Isn't it still? I never said things for the sake of saying and all I felt and spoke of was true. Is still true. I could stop now put the thought aside and do things my way, leaving you at the back of my mind long enough to vanish completely but I can't fathom myself as well of why I'm still going on. Why I bother to try, as if it were a responsibility to keep you happy even when you might be even better without me. So I stand still, waiting by the door if you ever changed your mind. I don't know why. I can't even tell or say why I would embarrass myself and be stupid enough to go against my principles and beliefs but here I am.

If you could ever find the heart to forgive yourself, to look deep inside to forgive me, to forgive us and give it another go, we could. I know I talk about fate a lot, but you know I would have never let you go if you never held on to me so loosely. Besides, isn't the choices are for us to decide? Even if we don't fit or go along the way we see people around us do, it's only because we are our own kind. We are us, what others are or think doesn't matter. No?

-riri-

5 o' clock in the morning.

5 in the morning with eyes wide open,
followed by a particular feeling churning in my gut,

as if someone had took my heart out to shove it back in,

but to only left it deep enough near my throat, way above my lungs
I've felt, I've been through this before, I know,
Suddenly it hit me, might have I mistaken the fear,

of him dying, with the terror of the most dreadful,

the thought of the end, to have done it again,

to have killed myself instead.

And I had.
And I did.

-riri-

someone new.

So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed

We used to take turns
To cover up the pain
And deep below it burns
And the feelin' still remains

You're gonna find someone new
I really hope you do 'cause I love you
And the sun will come on through
It's gonna shine for you 'cause I adore you

Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

And the road travels on
But I'm still near you
In my life, like a song
I will still hear you, still

-Eskobar-

maybe I'll mourn over this.

It seems so simple doesn't it? but I know things are never as it seems. Which means I don't quite have the right to judge. I could be furious over it but what use is there to be over what was meant to happen. I could also choose to be angry, as mad as the next person who tells me how wrong this is, or how unfair it is for me but I'm not, I don't. I can never.

I go on with my days doing things contrary to whatever that might bring my mind back to dwell on him but this funny thing keeps happening, the part where things I come across or discover by random are those that can't help but to remind me of him, or at least the few details I know of him. It's pretty interesting to me, to be over it but not quite. Seems familiar what this is. I've been here before. Never knew I would again. I never prepared myself thinking it would last, even when I saw signs of it ending. I wonder why I went on with it anyway. Maybe to prove a point. But what point could be made to ever make sense now? For being an idiot, enough to have gone against your own beliefs, defying the truth of how reality works. I guess. That's the problem with believing. You gave out the last piece of you to someone you knew would give you reasons legit enough to have not to in the first place. As much as I'd like to say I told myself so I can't, half of me has always thought differently and who knows maybe deep down inside it still does. No regrets.

-riri-

lot to lose from the lot you gain.

One of the scariest thing I could ever do is to pick up a phone and call someone, to talk to, to be in such a state to actually need to talk to someone, to the person I really want to talk to, to actually pick up the phone spin the dial and say:

Hello.

It could be the last thing I ever say. It could be the only thing you'll hear. It takes all I have in me to continue yet I still struggle so hard into putting my thoughts into words, blurting it out in all the wrong ways to beat myself up for it after. Silence have been the only thing I know of so well, to come out of that box, that cage, those chains, is the same thing as breathing under water. I choke up on my words, I swallow my tongue and I let it out in tears or rather not at all. It gets block up in my head, in my eyes, around the insides of my mouth. It beats me up so bad sometimes I have to distance myself. To call someone, to tell them how I feel by words straight out from my mouth, it takes a lot. It takes so much, if only they could fathom it all, if only they knew. Realise how significant they are to me for me to let this part of me get exposed. With all the hurtful things left to say, I kept it in so I won't hurt anyone. When really, that's precisely the moment when I need someone the most. To reassure me and persuade me into letting it go although chances are I most likely can't. I always come back not long after to give all that I've got although I'm still stuck in the moment of the last time I failed to do what I was supposed to. And I care. And I love. But it still hurts for them to not notice and for me to know it is no one's fault but my own.

-riri-

keluhan jun.

Benda bukan pasal siapa betul siapa salah. Or is it even a competition dimana kau berkejar tak tentu arah to reach the finishing line. If that is what you're aiming for, that is what you get but that is all that you gain from it. Bila dah gapai segala yang kau terhegeh hegehkan tadi, jangan terpaku jangan terduduk tersipu bila kau sedar kerana kecuaian, kesilapan dan kebodohan sendiri yang ruginya itu kau. Yang kehilangannya juga kau. Saat itu sedar sedar 4 jari masih di arah diri sendiri, 1 yang ditayang tayang itu lalu jatuh ke arah tempat kosong yang dulunya milik si dia. Kau menang, dia hilang, puas? Sedangkan selama ini dirinya mengajar untuk membuka mata kau yang lama dipejam ego, ignorance, all that you have let took over your heart and mind. Hanya dipinta untuk kau memahami, bagi menyelesaikan kesalahfahaman kecil ini. Hanya untuk kau. Dan dia. Kita. Tapi kau masih, masih, tak faham bahasa.

-riri-

sudden cold slap in the face,

and a jab through the heart.

Crossed my mind a few more times,

more than usual, the way it used to at one point,

around, lingering, hanging, shouting, showing,

there he was in every picture,

that familiar smile, the face I longed to hold in my hands,

eyes that glistens enough to have made my heart drop each time,

still it wasn't it.

It was him. Just him on his own.

Further and further away he has gone,

back to the days where I hadn't notice his mere existence,

to the days where I wouldn't have bother to open the door to his calls,

to notice that he was what once without my acknowledgement,

what I have asked god for, answers to my often asked question,

still it wasn't it, guess it wasn't him.

Or maybe it just wasn't me.

Pathetically I wasn't it.

It was me, just me on my own.

The closer I walk, the further he got,

seems like the only guy I've ever known of,

someone I would swallow my pride and ego for,

first moves on me, calls and texts for reassurance,

when indeed all I did was what I needed not to be done to anyone else but to me

yet I kept on going, stopping at nothing,

to be remembered, to be loved, to seem appreciative,

in the end for what and whom?

for the one,

no longer,

mine.

It's always funny, how things work.

You know, how being ready only means,

giving a chance for someone else to chicken out.

And things no longer remain the same anymore.

Forever.

-riri-

just another repetition.

God knows I've tried, I just wished everyone else did as well. I can't simply just let everyone into my business, all this talking and asking questions I find impossible to answer that no matter how much help I need or think I do, I can't at the same time somehow won't let anyone bother to. The number of days I force myself to go to school, to not dwell over the thought of it, to get my ass out of my bed and force myself to get through the day, proves my effort, does it not? Still, so little is ever significant to people. Now every moment it occurs, the sudden breakdown, the need to sleep in for that very day, the importance of being left alone, irritates the hell out of everyone. Some days I manage to put it aside, to put myself below everyone and everything else the way I always do but some days tougher than most, some days I lose to my mind. God knows how those days all I need is support not be told how much I aggravate and annoy my surroundings. It never makes it any better to be told once again, or at least in a way to indicate that I, am burdening everybody else. I know I am. I've noticed. It devastates me to be seen as if I do it on purpose just to tick everyone off. Tell me, whoever wants to grow up to be such an inconvenience to the people they love? Exactly. Words don't effect me but when the meaning is there and heard and slam into my face, ear, and all around my head, you start to believe it and coming from the people you thought or should've known you best, doesn't make it hurt any less.

I can't reach out to them as much as they want to reach out for me. Everybody tells me I'm not trying but I've gotten through years alone with this going on and being told so, it makes it seem like all the effort meant absolutely nothing. And I'm tired. I'm really tired.

-riri-

hati hati.

ampun dipinta bagi yang membaca,

this might sicken you to the stomach

with my not- so - impressive malay.

1, 2, 3

hati diberi,

hati mempercayai,

hati meluah, merasa, memberi,

hati dulunya kental,

berubah batu oleh yang ramai ramai itu,
tetap gagah tabah walau dihempas tempias tangisan masa lalu,
bertemunya akhirnya lembut diserah, aku mengaku kalah

kadang kala lemah,

hati ini patah,

hati ini pasrah,

hati ini sekali lagi hilang arah,

pedih,

hati ini terluka, berdarah bernanah,

hati yang dulunya dijahit kemas,

tertutup rapat, kedap

dirawat, dijaga, disayangi oleh diri ini sendiri,

terbuka, dibiar, oleh si dia yang akhirnya menyakiti,

menikam, memijak, menusuk, menyerbu masuk,

lalu pergi meninggalnya,
seperti yang terdahulunya,
sama janji janji mereka,
yang masih tertanam di lubuk hati ini,
dikenangi, ditangisi

sampai hati.

-riri-

things never go well when it comes to me.

I never wanted to push him away. I just wanted to make him understand. But I guess every time I try to, it only leads to both of us feeling guilty and worthless. From the dad to the boyfriend, I never get along with guys the way I should normally do as a girl. Sometimes I don't know what I am but pretty sure I'm neither a girl or a boy. I think that's my biggest talent of all, being what is needed but unwanted, the best at making people feel or acknowledged how useless they are to tell them later on of how they're not at all. I'm like reality shoving at your face whilst you were lullabied by this amazing yet preposterous idea of how things should really be.

I like talks, if it means what it used to. I just wanted us to talk and fix what we failed to once, so we could be a better us. I was just trying to be honest but honesty never did much for me in life anyway. I never asked for much but the littlest things cost so much it disheartens me to be taking so much from so little.

-riri-

unapologetic.

Have remorse for what you've done
though there's no turning back
and the words you've spoken
you can never take back

The pain you've caused
and all souls of the hearts you had broke
will come choking you by the neck
and away with with your soul

You'll be left cold and forgotten
torn apart, old and crippled
living in all regrets
rotting with the thoughts inside your head.

-riri-