lot to lose from the lot you gain.

One of the scariest thing I could ever do is to pick up a phone and call someone, to talk to, to be in such a state to actually need to talk to someone, to the person I really want to talk to, to actually pick up the phone spin the dial and say:

Hello.

It could be the last thing I ever say. It could be the only thing you'll hear. It takes all I have in me to continue yet I still struggle so hard into putting my thoughts into words, blurting it out in all the wrong ways to beat myself up for it after. Silence have been the only thing I know of so well, to come out of that box, that cage, those chains, is the same thing as breathing under water. I choke up on my words, I swallow my tongue and I let it out in tears or rather not at all. It gets block up in my head, in my eyes, around the insides of my mouth. It beats me up so bad sometimes I have to distance myself. To call someone, to tell them how I feel by words straight out from my mouth, it takes a lot. It takes so much, if only they could fathom it all, if only they knew. Realise how significant they are to me for me to let this part of me get exposed. With all the hurtful things left to say, I kept it in so I won't hurt anyone. When really, that's precisely the moment when I need someone the most. To reassure me and persuade me into letting it go although chances are I most likely can't. I always come back not long after to give all that I've got although I'm still stuck in the moment of the last time I failed to do what I was supposed to. And I care. And I love. But it still hurts for them to not notice and for me to know it is no one's fault but my own.

-riri-