look at me now.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

unexpected expectations.

25 january 2014.
Said to be my birthday by the looks of my birth certificate.
This happened the night before.
10 mins of heaven. 5 pass 10.

I like Fridays, I do but I've never like the thought of school on that day. I didn't have a choice this time wishing I had skipped. Left me the feeling of despair and for me to be going through this again every week I just- no. I've been living dead and empty. Is this the phase of this week or my heart and mind subconsciously hinting me of how things are going to be the way I wished it wouldn't and to get through it is to not bother- could be. All I wanted to do was cry it away hoping what goes out won't come crawling back in but it hurt to shed even a tear though I might have when I didn't need to, I thought.

Somehow it became a bit bearable talking to him and seeing him sleep. Ends with me sleeping as well. It felt good enough for a second I drowned into the thought of being with him, staying this way, always. I couldn't be more grateful for that. It's been awhile. This is one of those moments where I wish time would be put on hold and so this will last for eternity. Still time passes by so fast but at that moment it felt like every second counted, that it mattered to the point I forgot that the clock was even ticking. Calming, I supposed. He calms me down and that reminds me that it's not so bad at all.

Later that night he asked me to come out, all I had in my mind was "Out of where and to where?" "Outside". Heart racing but nothing to expect I opened the front door to see him standing there by the gate. I  took a few steps back in disbelief and after a few breathes, took the courage to walk out and surprisingly my eyes weren't deceiving me. The guy in white standing in front of me with this blue paper bag on his right and that smile on his face, was no one else but him. I pretty sure was still in denial, I mean how could it be? But it was.

Speechless and blank. My brain almost stopped functioning that the only thing I felt was this rush of everything under my skin if that even make sense but nothing really did at the moment except for the fact that he was there, and having him there felt like more than anything I could ever want at the time. It still seems so surreal until today. How could he even like why would he even like how could I ever?? I was overwhelmed, it was intoxicating. Real, that was the main thing- it was real. This wasn't something I daydreamed, imagined or fictionalised. All the way from Ampang just for that few minutes. Pocking him in disbelief, I didn't deserve all this. I never did or would be worthy of such but how could you let this slip. I just- exactly. Nothing could take this feeling away.


January 2014.

Isn't it a surprised to see me here, once again? I guess it's been awhile since I've actually posted anything. Ideas and feelings filling me up but gets left everywhere as I no longer can remember things the way I used to. I no longer write things down. I sort of just let it go. Soon to be forgottenyou know? Although I don't want it to stay that way. It's the only thing I could hold on to and share but now gone.

The end of 2013 aka the realisation of having to go through another year, a new one with nothing on my mind, no plans, no anything, kinds of scares me. It's amazing how I actually felt that adrenaline rush as I waited for school to start. I went a year or two with a cold-I-don't-care feel, forcing a "I just want to get this year over with" mentality. Why feel so much now that is? I'm not sure myself, but I have a feeling that this has something to do with giving this year a chance.

To say that I've lost so many people last year would be an overstatement when I hadn't exactly, it was mostly just me, myself and I. With a sprinkle of my babygirl, my boyfriend and maybe two or more friends (I guess?). I guess I have been a bit more disconnected. This year just starts with people going back to the ones they used to be closed to since primary school or at least the start of secondary while us, the ones they met on the way and soon became attached to, goes back to being just another distant memory. It's funny how things go but it all makes sense; in the end you go back to those you're meant to be with.

Things started bearable and fine at first as I made myself believed so. No sudden breakdowns on the start of the year but something is pulling me back, holding me down and I get emotionally disturbed by how it is starting to get to me. Over analysing and feeling too much would be an understatement. Now I pretty much feel everything, it drives me mad and confuse, just hopeless. The first few weeks were horrible; still nightmarish to me. I'm trying harder to get the hang of it; to get myself together again however it is overwhelming and difficult- I am urged to build myself a house underground and live in complete solitude.

I am unable to comprehend the sadness, anxiety, mixed emotions, unstable feelings and inconstant mood swings. It just happens when it happens and I hate how I can't even help it sometimes or how it affects the ones who tries to. It's been a hell of a ride. One that shakes you so hard you forget how to walk straight, let alone crawl. Leaving you paralysed.

School doesn't make it any better. I would say it takes my mind off things but it only adds more pressure, I'm afraid one day I would be sent to a mental hospital for all things I would say about school if I dare express or explain the exact feeling it gives out to me or how I see it through my eyes and mind. Every time people ask I just put the question a side. Honestly, why bother when everything I truthfully said in the past only leads me to another "You should be grateful". Even though it helps a lot less, it never really helped before either so I'll pass.