look at me now.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

expect the unexpected on a whole new level.

25 january 2014.
Said to be my birthday by the looks of my birth certificate.
But this happened the night before.
10 mins of heaven. 5 pass 10.

I like fridays, I do but I've never like the thought of school on that day. I didn't have a choice this time and I wish I had skipped. Left me the feeling of despair and for me to be going through this again every week I just- no. I've been living dead and empty. Is this the phase of this week or my heart and mind subconsciously hinting me of how things are going to be the way I wished it wouldn't and to get through it is to not bother, maybe. All I wanted to do was cry it away hoping what goes out won't come crawling back in but it hurt to shed even a tear tho I might have but I didn't need to, I thought.

Somehow it became a bit bearable talking to him and seeing him sleep, ends with me sleeping as well. It felt good and for a second there I totally drowned into the thought of being with him, staying this way, always. I couldn't be more grateful for that. It's been awhile and this is basically one of those moments where I wish time would be put on hold and so this will last for eternity. Still time passes by so fast but at that moment it felt like every moment was counted, that it mattered to the point I forgot that the clock was even ticking. Calming, I supposed. He calms me down and that reminds me that it's not so bad at all.

Later that night he asked me to come out, all I had in my mind was "come out of where and to where?" "outside", with my heart racing but nothing to expect I opened the front door to see him standing there by the gate. I  took a few steps back in disbelief and after a few breathes, took the courage to walk out and surprisingly my eyes weren't deceiving me. The guy in white standing in front of me with this blue paper bag on his right and that smile on his face, was no one else but him. I pretty sure was still in denial, I mean how could it be? But it was.

Speechless and blank. Really my brain stop functioning that the only thing I felt was this rush of everything under my skin if that even made sense but nothing really did at the moment except for the fact that he was there, and having him there felt like more than anything I could ever want at the very moment. It still seems so surreal until today. How could he even like why would he even like how could I ever?? I was overwhelmed, it was intoxicating. Real, that was the main thing; it was real. This wasn't something I daydreamed or imagined or fictionalised. All the way from ampang just for that few minutes. Pocking him in disbelief, I didn't deserve all this. I never did or would be worthy of such but how could you let this slip. I just- exactly. Nothing could take this feeling away.


January 2014.

Isn't it a surprised to see me here, once again? I guess it's been awhile since I've actually posted anything. Like ideas and feelings filling me up but gets left everywhere as I no longer can remember things the way I used to. Besides, I no longer write things down. I just sorta let it go. Soon to be forgotten yknow? I don't want it to stay that way tho. Like that's the only thing I could hold on to and share but now it's just gone.

The end of 2013 aka the realisation of having to go through another year, a new one with nothing on my mind no plans no anything, kinda scares me. It's amazing how I actually felt that adrenaline rush as I waited for school to start. I went a year or two with a cold-I-don't-care feel when I've forced a "I just want to get this year over with" mentality. Why feel so much now that is? I'm not sure myself, but I have a feeling that this has something to do with giving this year a chance.

To say that I've lost so many people last year would be an overstatement because well I didn't exactly, mostly it was just me myself and I. With a sprinkle of my babygirl, my boyfriend and maybe two or more friends (I guess?). I just have been a bit more disconnected? This year just starts with people going back to the ones they used to be closed to since primary school or at least the start of secondary while us, the ones they met on the way and soon became some sort attached to, goes back to being just another distant memory. It's kinda funny how things go but it all makes sense; in the end you go back to those you're meant to be with.

Things started of a bit alright at first because I made myself believed so. No sudden breakdowns on the start of the year but something is pulling me back, holding me down and I get emotionally disturbed it kind of gets to me. I start thinking again and feeling too much would be an understatement. Now I pretty much feel everything, it drives me mad and confuse and just hopeless. The first few weeks was horrible, I mean it's still nightmarish to me and I'm trying so hard to get the hang of it; to get myself together again but it's so overwhelming and hard I just want to build myself a house underground and live there in complete solitude.

I can't comprehend the sadness and anxiety and mixed emotions and unstable feelings and inconstant mood swings. It just happens when it happens and I hate how I can't even help it sometimes or how it affects the ones who tries to help. It's been a hell of a ride, one that shakes you so hard you forget how to walk straight, let alone crawl. It leaves you paralysed.

School doesn't make it any better. I would say it takes my mind off things but it only adds more pressure I'm afraid one day I would be sent to a mental hospital for all things I would say about school if I'd actually express or explained the exact feeling it gives out to me or how I see it through my eyes and mind. Every time people ask I just put the question a side. Honestly, why bother when everything I've said truthfully in the past gets me to just another "you should be grateful". Even though it helps a lot less, it never really helped before either so I'll pass.