January 2014.

Isn't it a surprised to see me here, once again? I guess it's been awhile since I've actually posted anything. Ideas and feelings filling me up but gets left everywhere as I no longer can remember things the way I used to. I no longer write things down. I sort of just let it go. Soon to be forgottenyou know? Although I don't want it to stay that way. It's the only thing I could hold on to and share but now gone.

The end of 2013 aka the realisation of having to go through another year, a new one with nothing on my mind, no plans, no anything, kinds of scares me. It's amazing how I actually felt that adrenaline rush as I waited for school to start. I went a year or two with a cold-I-don't-care feel, forcing a "I just want to get this year over with" mentality. Why feel so much now that is? I'm not sure myself, but I have a feeling that this has something to do with giving this year a chance.

To say that I've lost so many people last year would be an overstatement when I hadn't exactly, it was mostly just me, myself and I. With a sprinkle of my babygirl, my boyfriend and maybe two or more friends (I guess?). I guess I have been a bit more disconnected. This year just starts with people going back to the ones they used to be closed to since primary school or at least the start of secondary while us, the ones they met on the way and soon became attached to, goes back to being just another distant memory. It's funny how things go but it all makes sense; in the end you go back to those you're meant to be with.

Things started bearable and fine at first as I made myself believed so. No sudden breakdowns on the start of the year but something is pulling me back, holding me down and I get emotionally disturbed by how it is starting to get to me. Over analysing and feeling too much would be an understatement. Now I pretty much feel everything, it drives me mad and confuse, just hopeless. The first few weeks were horrible; still nightmarish to me. I'm trying harder to get the hang of it; to get myself together again however it is overwhelming and difficult- I am urged to build myself a house underground and live in complete solitude.

I am unable to comprehend the sadness, anxiety, mixed emotions, unstable feelings and inconstant mood swings. It just happens when it happens and I hate how I can't even help it sometimes or how it affects the ones who tries to. It's been a hell of a ride. One that shakes you so hard you forget how to walk straight, let alone crawl. Leaving you paralysed.

School doesn't make it any better. I would say it takes my mind off things but it only adds more pressure, I'm afraid one day I would be sent to a mental hospital for all things I would say about school if I dare express or explain the exact feeling it gives out to me or how I see it through my eyes and mind. Every time people ask I just put the question a side. Honestly, why bother when everything I truthfully said in the past only leads me to another "You should be grateful". Even though it helps a lot less, it never really helped before either so I'll pass.

-riri-