look at me now.

Friday, 23 December 2016

not another sadderday.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, with a mind set up with positivity.
Getting through, I'm going to be alright and everything's going to be fine.

She's going to see that guy she likes so much. She's going to be a bundle of joy.
Nobody likes a sad girl. And she doesn't want anyone to know enough.

I don't want to ruin anything.
I just want to see him.


Thursday, 15 December 2016


Get your head back.
This isn't you.

Everyone loves you when you're happy. I might be melancholic but I'm grateful. I might be all over the place but I know home. However that's been absent and I've been going around. I think time's come. I was never meant for this even if solitude only takes me further away from everything else. I should be good. Perhaps that would cure it all. It should be better for everyone. I don't really have time.



I'd think it through, a couple times or more.
But I remember how he said not to.


Wednesday, 14 December 2016

i don't want to not believe.

2:28 a.m (14/12/16)

I've started to become more aware of myself again. This always comes with the start of being human. What to say, what to do, when to act, should I text him now, ask him out? I got myself drawing and writing again. Sometimes I notice myself looking forward for the things that hasn't happened, imagining all that I used to. This isn't real but I guess it's harmless to believe that this could be a start to something new. For the first time I feel like time is rooting for me too. However that's just me. I swear, it's him.

I know it shouldn't be.


Tuesday, 13 December 2016


"I don't want to hurt you"
is what people say when they don't like you enough,
or that they like someone else.

I understand.


Monday, 12 December 2016


You're going to think it'll never haunt you, until you lie awake realising it was him again that you dreamt of the night before. You start cringing at the thought of anyone you get with that has traits of him. You're going to turn down every guy who tells you they want to get to know you because that's exactly how it started. You're going to want to give someone a chance but each time right before you do, you'll remember how yes, of course everyone's going to get tired of your deep thoughts and depression and you're going to end up giving all of you so don't bother.

  1. -You act and talk almost exactly as the idea of how guys prefer you to, according to him. 
  2. -Sitting pretty, being honest but not too honest.
  3. -Smiling often even at nothing because who the fuck wants to handle you crying??
  4. -Talk about yourself but not of who you really are because it's the idea of you that matters.
  5. -Your problems are your problems, but care about him because he needs that even if there's an erupt volcano and tsunami going on in you.
  6. -Get jealous but not too jealous because that's annoying duh.
  7. -He likes clingy just not that clingy- more like love-me-when-I-can't-love-myself-otherwise-give-me-some-space.
  8. -Give don't take.
  9. -Don't get too personal because it's okay if he knows too much about you but not the other way around.
  10. -Call him but not like that.
  11. -Be gentle, loving, poise but also be able to chill and lek like a dude.
  12. -Outgoing but "why are you so easy??".
  13. -Be okay with talking about other girls like god look at the girl with a body better than yours right?
  14. -"If anything I'll be here" but "why the fuck are you calling me at 4 in the morning?" you're supposed to breakdown in your own company.
  15. -"You don't have to change" but "why are you so sad all the time??".
  16. -"I'm here for you" but "god I'm tired I just want some sleep I'll talk to you tomorrow (but I won't)" and you're going to have to be okay with that because for the love of god be more understanding.
  17. -Be joyful and lively because "I rimas lah asyik macamni" or "I tak suka lah bila you macamni" but "just be yourself", then again your therapist/psychologist/doctor says you're melancholy but it's alright I'll smile and laugh and be happy so it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
  18. -"Best la you ni, happening, kelakar, chill, crack, bangang bangang juga." because that's how they like me and the only time they prefer my presence.
  19. -No never talk about your emotions or what's wrong and if you're okay because "you okay?" means I-hope-that-you-are-because-it'd-be-troublesome-if-you-weren't-so-just-say-yes.
  20. -Don't post or take photos because who do you think you are? Side chic, somebody he used to know or doesn't want anyone else to.
  21. -What happens in this room stays in this room.
  22. -Don't hold his hand or touch him unless he does because the public doesn't need to know about you.
  23. -"He's just a friend" and "no we're not going out" because you're not going to make yourself believe that it's actually happening when most often than not it's all in your head.
  24. -"I like you" but the only thing he knows is that you're cheerful, replies to his texts, answer his calls, wouldn't mind being there for him and confused with the reality of how he likes what you do for him but not for you.
  25. -Pretend to be attached but don't get attached.
  26. -It's okay for him to fuck around but you should have more pride at the same time keep an open mind.
  27. -Welcome him with open arms and if he suddenly goes just toughen up and be alright because nobody likes an emotional fuck.
  28. -Like him but don't love him.
  29. -Don't ask where he's been, why he's late, who he's out with or if he likes you back. Just tell them to have fun, not to worry and take care because you're good on your own anyway.
  30. -Neglect that whatever to you means a lot because it might not mean anything to him and talking about it will make things awkward for him plus who wants to hear about what you have to say again?
  31. -Be intelligent, be fun but also be quiet, keep up with the conversation but never make it about you.
  32. -Cry at home or when he's asleep, don't tell him how you feel just text him or give him those hand written letters you know he won't read or would get tired of because he hates reading so it wouldn't hurt so much if he doesn't respond because you know how tiring it is. I mean of course it is, you took the time and effort to write it down or typed it and bare with feeling it. 
  33. -Fuck whatever's in your head, it doesn't matter and it shouldn't.
  34. -Be aware of when you are at fault, acknowledge when it is you and not them and try as hard as you can to say things without ending up making them guilt ridden.
  35. -"Nothing is wrong, everything is alright so how are you doing though? Honestly" because you give a shit but you don't believe they need to about you.
  36. -Then again help yourself from letting it even begin, avoid them at all cost because this will fuck you up. This once fucked you up.

Friday, 9 December 2016

back in sight.

1:59pm 9/12/16
Sometimes I wonder how I got here or why I let myself go through the things I do but I know the answers to most of the questions in my head. I'm aware that it's all for my own good or for me to learn and grow.

It's so hard to love someone when you are well aware of the mess that you are. You know it so well how vital it is to learn or be able to love yourself before you do bother to accept anyone else. You start rushing and beating yourself up to fix yourself over it but what if you were never broken to begin with? That you were bound to be damaged and no matter how long it has been or how hard you try, it only sinks in even more to the core as each day passes by and that it's just a part of you that you're going to have to live with and embrace. Or control.

Do you remember what you said to yourself before- how you were meant to be alone? Yet I let myself trip over all this bullshit as if I haven't acknowledge the fact that I was never meant to be a part of the norm. Things are surfacing back up so vigorously all at once not giving me even a minute to digest each one. Almost like seeing the you, you thought you got over and restraining yourself from falling in love with the person who at the end fucked you over with no remorse whatsoever, and all this while you knew that they would.


disintegrated thoughts.

Well of course, I'm deranged while she could be just like every other girl; a bit more normal than I could ever be. Doubting she has problems with crowds while I'm the contrary. I might be able to look all that however most times edgy or awkward and forlorn. Though he said I was amazing. That I'm fucking amazing. Alas, it doesn't really change things. I guess I might have almost believed it, I almost did, I wanted to but couldn't possibly let myself. Still, I wouldn't. Accepting it means blossoming the sort of hope I don't need. 

Or I just couldn't, aware of how I'm not at all.


mengada pale buto.

5:30 a.m 9/12/16

I don't want anyone else to touch me.
I don't want anyone else to be here.
I don't want anyone at all.
Unless it's you.


Monday, 5 December 2016

sorry to say.

I'm just a phase.
And I'm not over that.


all those other girls.

I think of all the girls before,
currently or might come,
I'm a bit jealous I could say. 

Anyone who gets his attention, anyone he still might have feelings for and the girl he finds cute- I sort of wish I was instead. If they could make him feel at ease more than I ever could or if they got to talk to him about the things I'm still trying to comprehend and that one he really fell for- or the one he could soon fall for. And I've always had this idea in my head that it was just wrong of me, that I'm always wrong to be so I'm never really it. I'm not one of those girls.


Sunday, 4 December 2016

wrong guy.

"I can give you comfort."
I have someone else in mind each time.


Friday, 2 December 2016

"Saya tak faham apa awak cakap, tapi saya percaya."