look at me now.

Sunday, 15 July 2012


She hates herself more, every time she starts to cry.

Hysterically choking on her tears.
Since when did crying became a way of relief? It never was to her.
Guess this time the weight was too heavy. She has kept everything inside for way too long. Trying so hard to keep everything together, in the end it doesn't even matter.

She's more dead to herself than she is to everyone else. Walking for so long, searching for home. Lost.

 I don't know what have gotten into me. I've been lacking sleep. I can't shut my eyes, empty my mind and just send the world out away as easy as I used to. I don't know since when did the thought of sleep made me became more chaotic than I were placid. Breaking night isn't such a good idea itself either. It makes me overthink more than I thought I could ever think. It kills. Who knew how tormenting it could end up to be. Slowly eating, killing, you inside. Times like this, cutting seems to be a better solution.

This is by far, the worst kind of emotional breakdown I've been through. I'll pull myself back together. Sooner, or later. I can't break. I just can't let myself do so. I've been holding this thing for way too long, I can't give up. No, not yet, not now. I have time, to fix it. Maybe. Doubt it but, who knows, just maybe? I just need to look on the bright side. Exactly.

yours truly,

Friday, 13 July 2012


You stayed, not that you have to but because you want to.

They say people come and go but I know you'll stay.
We've been through a lot. We cry, we laugh, we do obnoxious things together. We share secrets and problems, we never get tired of each other. You've always been there for me, listening to my rants and complaints. You've seen me at my worst, the bad and the good sides of mine-you know it all  and you still love me, for who I am no matter how I am. Unlike everyone else, you don't give up on me. while everybody else were busy taking their chance to leave, you just stood there, you stand by me, and stayed. You are what keeps me going. You're one of the reason why I still stay strong, why I won't give everything up. One of my motivation. You're like a firefly, you brighten things up even if you are small, you bright up my whole world. My one and only.

yours truly, riri.

anything but school.

School, what's up with that?

I've been off track lately. I thought this would be the year I start to finally stop with all these skipping school and shit. I'd change, I keep telling myself. I tried, really. The first few weeks of school was okay, I could take it, I could stay but I couldn't change. The thought of going to school makes my heart sink every time. I can't but to repel to this rule of which I "must" go to this place called school that I've been going to ever since I could remember. School has always been alien to me. The thing is, despite me being a total lazy ass, this isn't the reason for it, I just simply, don't wanna go there.

Having friends or not is never the reason. Friends keep encouraging to go, classmates aren't that bad but still, nothing could change this sorta hatred towards school and this thing I have, inside of me, I can't quite put my finger on it, i just  don't know. I can't keep this on. I have exams to get ready for, a future to look forward to. Unfortunately, school and homework isn't what I'm in for doing. Maybe it's how differently I look at things or maybe it's just my rebelliousness. I have to get my head straight, dammit.

yours truly,

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

July, already?

6 months, gone.

So it's already July. The first thing that came into my mind after knowing this, would be: wow. I feel like it was just yesterday when I was worrying of how scary this year might end up to be; now after months has passed, who would've thought I'd still be living, breathing. Shamelessly, I've done nothing productive or worked hard enough to achieve my goals for this year and it's almost coming to an end in about four months ahead. Unsurprisingly, I've been a mess lately; a train wreck. On the edge of losing my mind. I never knew I'd end up this way. I just need to suck it up and move my ass on. I need time, motivation, help. I don't have much time left. It's now or never.

yours truly,