look at me now.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

old story, new chapter.

I'd like to say I met so many this year
and lost so much. The way it always is.
People, things, it all comes and goes.
But not this year. This year it's just me.

I've lost you and got you back in my arms, in just a year or less. I had everything one moment, and nothing the next. At 3 in the morning, this wasn't planned. You crossed my mind and so did the realisation of how this year is coming to an end. But god I'm glad it would end once again, with you as mine, and us as one. I hope there wouldn't be a day where falling apart becomes a must, as if it was destine to, I don't plan to let it or could I ever imagine the agony of the day it does if it ever. Stay with me. Keep us close. Even in the saddest of times, you've made me the happiest. Although it seemed impossible to believe it with how I always am or how hard is it to handle me at certain times, always pushing you to the edge, I never once felt like life could get any better without you. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life for as far as I'm aware, and one of the most beautiful human being I've ever got involved with despite whatever that had happened, you've never been less than great. You've always been flawless to me. Perfection at its finest. Even at moments where I'd wish to strangle you and scream straight to your face for being oblivious. You are everything, you breathed me a new life; a life where the past stays where it is, getting more trivial as each day passes by. It makes me wish it was possible for me to not get affected or influenced by it, but it makes me who I am today and I'm sorry. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. You do. You're the only thing I've been having my heart, head and mind set on. You're my goal. To be with you and to always have you with me, to have you want me just as much, to make you just as happy and to keep you, this time.

No matter what I say, thought or how I took things wrongly at times, I never saw you as a phase. You've always been more than that. You've always been more than what people see you as to me. More than where you think you stand in my life. Who would've thought it could work out, I saw doubts in people's expression when I talked about it at the very beginning, I saw uncertainty, I heard disagreement. However afraid I was, I believed in you, I believed in us and I still do. I'm glad I did. I can never really imagine how different life would be if I hadn't. I want to still be able to go through another new year, knowing I'd be able to go through it all with you once again, for the rest of my life. I love you far, always. Always


Monday, 29 December 2014


and there are days where I think
I could go a day or three without food
but some crackers, a glass of milk or two
and that'd be enough to keep me full.

I could lose a pound or twenty three
and then I'd eat like normally
I swear I'd be happy.

But I knew deep inside
I knew without the need to be told
it's all just another lie.

And an excuse to die.


growing up.

I realised it wasn't about just being all grown up.

It wasn't about finally getting to wear your mum's lipstick without the need to hide it from her when you did to avoid getting scolded for it or to be given a certain look where you just knew it was all that needed to be done to signal you to stop.

It wasn't about finally getting to wear a bra without having to fill it up with tissue papers or wear heels and dresses, looking fabulous and for once, having real things to be carried around in your handbag. Essentials you'd never actually thought you needed, those things you found so little significance once!

They said don't grow up too fast. Dress up your age. You don't need to wear that. Why would you need that? What for? They'd asked. Enjoy your childhood. Live your teenage years to the fullest. Forget love it's useless, phases after phases, it doesn't last. Cherish each moment.

They tell us way too many times hoping we'd remember, pushing us to listen. They've been through it all. I guess they must have regretted much enough to be telling someone else not to do the same, repeating someone else's mistake to make it your own. Or maybe, they've just lived the wrong way.

It no longer matters at this point. I realised to me it was never the need to grow up past 18, it was never college life or getting married, finding prince charming, living happily ever after. I grew up out of experience and all that they had put me through. My way of thinking wasn't fully influenced by my surroundings or those that came and went, I made my choices, I followed my way.

I wanted to grow up, so they'd listen.
But they'll never listen,
not the way I did.


Sunday, 28 December 2014

all for far.

I could write him hundreds of letters, thousand of words on sheets of paper. I'd write it all by hand, when I could. I'd write all about him, in case he ever forgets what it's like to live and know for sure that he is more than just the nothing he speaks so much of himself. He is more than that to me. It doesn't matter what it is I am or how much he feels the same way, he matters most over all. I write poems, letters, songs, with an ending of either a dead end or dissatisfaction. Nothing suits him as perfectly as how I see him through my eyes. Words can't describe, as cliche as it sounds that is how it is with him. Nothing is ever enough to be compared to him. Even the most intelligent person would not be able to define him overall, from top to toe in and out. If they were able, they too would fall head over heels for him. Though I'd go black and blue for him. Only him.


couldn't have been better.

I came across- no, I searched for- .

5 months ago
if anyone asked about me to you,
there would not have even been an answer.

Do you have a girlfriend?

And no one knew, or would've known,
not even myself, of who it is in your heart.
I would have never known, if she left a scar,
as deep, wide or as many that could be counted as the ones I too have.
None knew, if she still had a place in you,
a home for her to come back to, but you.

Did it hurt, when it all came to an end?
Might not have been compared to the pain of not knowing,
if maybe it never have left.

1 month ago
for each questions regarding you and I,
answered without hesitations, concern, 
or ever an ounce of doubt;

Do you love someone?
"I do"

I do, too.
I have always did.
I still do, and always will.
It has always been you.


Tuesday, 23 December 2014

an idle position.

I'm always with people, but just the people I choose to be with. Even when I know I'm not what they need. Sometimes I am, I know. Though that doesn't mean they do too. Or perhaps they do. They think so, or make themselves feel so, but they don't know how to take care of the things they already now have or would appreciate it by showing gratitude or so, not everyone does that.

People talk a lot. They say things they don't mean or what seems right to be said at the moment without realising it. Some people find it hard to say anything at all, they end with nothing said. Some says so many things similar but isn't just because they can't seem to find the precise word to describe how they feel for a certain thing. I hate how this is how it will always be. I guess that's exactly why you don't just say things, you prove it. Not in that way. It's when your action speaks louder than words, when you barely ever doubt someone's word to you by how they treat you or what they do for you. You'd just know. I find that so many people misuse the words they know so well of. Most people can never really tell what they mean to a person, some can't even put it in words to tell the person that means so much to them, where exactly they stand in their lives. It's the saddest to see people blurting out things they're not even sure of yet or saying more than they actually mean to a person, as they leave them with so much false hope.

The problem is not everyone knows what they want or if what they have although is what they need, is exactly what they want for themselves. I know what I want, but just because I do, doesn't mean the person I want knows or feels the same way. To know what you own, to know what it's worth and how to keep it is a trait not everyone has. When you don't is how you lose people and either realises your mistakes later on or not even care so much of the lost at all. It depends on what you know. It's crazy how things like these could destroy lives. It's all about choices. People can choose what they want or learn what they need. It's all up to them.

I somehow enjoy observing, sometimes get myself involved. A lab rat to myself. Everyone's a bit similar to the next or different by motive, background, purpose, duration. I can't really put into words how I see myself or what exactly I am. That one time chance. I'm either a mistake, a lesson or a lost. It's all about them, never about me. Not even to sound like I'm in need of some sympathy, I don't. I feel nothing for it. To me, each time what I see is what I get. You know exactly what you mean or where you stand by it. I don't have to ask people to throw away what they already have for me, if they wanted to or needed to they would already have and I wouldn't want anyone to do so just because I said all this. Unless they want to themselves on their on influence.

I accept whatever is given or however things go for me, that's all there is left to do. You don't ask for much or ask to be put as a priority to the people you choose to be with, because you can't. I don't have the right to or deserve any of it. People won't ever notice what I am exactly in their life or my purpose. They don't, they won't. I'm just to pass time. I don't quite mind at all after awhile. If it's wrong you cut it off, leave and move on. You choose your path. Everything falls into place in the end, if you let it. I know what I'm worth, I was never worth anyone's time really, no matter how much they tell me that I am at one point. Most I know don't even know what they want or need. That's how I know whether it's time to go.

I'm worth someone's time or to be in someone's life, if I find that someone who knows that I am. Not thinks I am. It'd be good to be exactly what someone needs for once. Not lust or a want. A need, but only if it is what it really is and that's if it's meant to be.


Sunday, 21 December 2014

better for you.

1) And only one: stay.
I can't afford to lose you too.

One day I will be able to love you better than I have ever did. I would be able to take every inch of sorrow away, keep you company before you ever even get the chance to feel lonely.

Stay for every time it gets hard for you or I. Remind you for every time you fail to remember how much you mean to me and how much love I feel for you; how many things I can never feel for anyone but you. For each time I cry writing, saying, or typing things from the bottom of my heart, where I am the most honest, you are one of the many things I mention. And I've said to those before you of how they mean the world to me but none felt so real as when it is said to you. I can never put it exactly into words anymore ending up with so many to say but nothing said right. I want so much for you and so many I'd do.

One day I'd be the best you ever had. No, I want to be the only one you would ever have. Even if I was never the first or the second or third, I'd be the only one. The way you are to me. You've always been.


Thursday, 18 December 2014

13 days to the end.

Subconsciously I knew. Not much, nothing really but something in me indicates that I do. By my actions, thoughts and emotions. I already knew or have it figured out. To me it's not the matter of how you make your year anymore, it's how to get through all that will be thrown to you. I'm guessing a lot, for next year.

It's going to be the same as this year and the last 2, maybe as bad as this one unsurprisingly. Or worse. It's going to be a hard nerve wrecking emotional and lonely year, 2015. I feel it in my gut. I can't wait to see who I'll lose next. It's funny, to think you've lost so much, almost all to be precise but then comes a day where you lose more. Another or two. I can't stop the feelings that rush into my veins or the thoughts banging on the sides of my head to get in and ruin each day I have to force myself to live through. I let them in, lately so often do I do. I thought I got better. Maybe this is the price of opening up to life, letting people in again and "living" it. All for it to be taken away at one point. Just for laughs.

As if every life I chose to live is only to get me murdered and reborn into another (sometimes better but more fucked in the head), version of myself. I wish I knew the exact words to describe it all. I can't even read the way I did. I sometimes hope to find the life that would love having me in it as much as I never did living in its previous ones.

Is this that phase people have been telling me about? The one I hear each time I go through such things. Phase phase phase all I ever am all I ever will be all I ever go through is just another phase to everyone. I'm convinced there's this huge sign stitched to my forehead for me to see each time I turn to the mirror and be reminded that I will never be more than that. What I am or do or say will never be crucial enough to be taken seriously. 
"It's just a phase".

It makes me wish death was just a phase as well. A phase before you go into eternal slumber. Vanishing into the nothingness. Stop existing entirely. To be so meaningless; just like the person you were alive.

I am going through this again. How delightful is it to be such a burden to so many. The excruciating emotional and mental pain it brings could never have even describe the amount of self hatred and guilt I feel for the lives I was fated to be included in. I'm bewildered by whether I fear or am glad of what's starting to happen, the taste of self destruction and the feeling of love and warmth in such a lost state I might have just miss ever so badly, knowing it is the only thing I'm good at. The only thing that wants me and clings on to me, dragging me to come back.

Begging for me to come home.


Friday, 5 December 2014

not just a phrase.

I'm starting to hate hearing people telling me to take care instead of asking me to. As much as the amount of annoyance I have for each time I get a "have fun" from the people I wish to be with when I'm away. Maybe it's that every take care sounds like I'll leave you alone now, you're own your own kid. While have fun seems like another way to say I'm glad you'd be away for awhile at times. It's not always true how it means exactly how I would interpret it, to the person saying it. Although there are moments, where it seem as if it obviously is. Although it isn't. It's ironic to me how I could feel such a way about two words in a sentence put together, when I myself use it on people almost too frequently.

Maybe it's that, when I say it, it means almost most times, exactly how I would take it, from my perspective, that it gets me flustered. Sometimes I lie subconsciously for everyone else's own good, when deep inside I know it never make things any better. I'll never know why, or maybe I do, it just gets me a bit nervous and exposed to admit why. Maybe every lie is to see who would care enough to look through it. Although preposterous, yet somehow in a way logical. To me, the least.

For every of my "take care",
(I hope you do fine
please come back),
And for each of my "have fun",
(wish it'd be with me, 
I miss you so, I'll miss you more).


that time of the year each year.

I can't quite put a finger on it,
well I could've honestly,
on you,
and me,

We do this all the time,
gets me thinking maybe I'm the only one,
or that maybe it was never me,
or you,
but them.

Chuckles me up inside each time,
how it was never us,
but everyone else,
causing us to become nothing more,
but dust.


Tuesday, 2 December 2014

soul & heart.

I would write a thousand feelings and emotions at once that I feel for each time I see his face or think of him but everything goes by so fast I can't recall it all. Everything is so different now. I don't quite know where I am but god knows this is the best place I've been so far.

I can't put a finger on it, of when and how it got this hard to put it down on paper. It's when you're so excited of what to come but at the same moment grabbing and cherishing whatever there is now. Days pass, it comes, it goes, he's there, he's not, I'm here, I'm not. We're back here again with each other and each time feels like the first but better. When you get the hang of things, everything gets easier. He's everything to me and I know what it looks like or sounds like but this is the realest thing I've ever felt, went through and believed in. Though too real to be true, somehow so true it's unreal. That's when it starts to scare me, sending shivers to my spine thinking of it if one day just like everything else this too shall pass. We'd be gone. And he would no longer be there. He's the only thing I have left, the only one I dedicate almost all of my time to. He's that life I lost, that sparkle in my eyes. He is too much to say or describe, he isn't just everything I want. He's all that I need.