look at me now.

Tuesday 23 December 2014

an idle position.

I'm always with people, but just the people I choose to be with. Even when I know I'm not what they need. Sometimes I am, I know. Though that doesn't mean they do too. Or perhaps they do. They think so, or make themselves feel so, but they don't know how to take care of the things they already now have or would appreciate it by showing gratitude or so, not everyone does that.

People talk a lot. They say things they don't mean or what seems right to be said at the moment without realising it. Some people find it hard to say anything at all, they end with nothing said. Some says so many things similar but isn't just because they can't seem to find the precise word to describe how they feel for a certain thing. I hate how this is how it will always be. I guess that's exactly why you don't just say things, you prove it. Not in that way. It's when your action speaks louder than words, when you barely ever doubt someone's word to you by how they treat you or what they do for you. You'd just know. I find that so many people misuse the words they know so well of. Most people can never really tell what they mean to a person, some can't even put it in words to tell the person that means so much to them, where exactly they stand in their lives. It's the saddest to see people blurting out things they're not even sure of yet or saying more than they actually mean to a person, as they leave them with so much false hope.

The problem is not everyone knows what they want or if what they have although is what they need, is exactly what they want for themselves. I know what I want, but just because I do, doesn't mean the person I want knows or feels the same way. To know what you own, to know what it's worth and how to keep it is a trait not everyone has. When you don't is how you lose people and either realises your mistakes later on or not even care so much of the lost at all. It depends on what you know. It's crazy how things like these could destroy lives. It's all about choices. People can choose what they want or learn what they need. It's all up to them.

I somehow enjoy observing, sometimes get myself involved. A lab rat to myself. Everyone's a bit similar to the next or different by motive, background, purpose, duration. I can't really put into words how I see myself or what exactly I am. That one time chance. I'm either a mistake, a lesson or a lost. It's all about them, never about me. Not even to sound like I'm in need of some sympathy, I don't. I feel nothing for it. To me, each time what I see is what I get. You know exactly what you mean or where you stand by it. I don't have to ask people to throw away what they already have for me, if they wanted to or needed to they would already have and I wouldn't want anyone to do so just because I said all this. Unless they want to themselves on their on influence.

I accept whatever is given or however things go for me, that's all there is left to do. You don't ask for much or ask to be put as a priority to the people you choose to be with, because you can't. I don't have the right to or deserve any of it. People won't ever notice what I am exactly in their life or my purpose. They don't, they won't. I'm just to pass time. I don't quite mind at all after awhile. If it's wrong you cut it off, leave and move on. You choose your path. Everything falls into place in the end, if you let it. I know what I'm worth, I was never worth anyone's time really, no matter how much they tell me that I am at one point. Most I know don't even know what they want or need. That's how I know whether it's time to go.

I'm worth someone's time or to be in someone's life, if I find that someone who knows that I am. Not thinks I am. It'd be good to be exactly what someone needs for once. Not lust or a want. A need, but only if it is what it really is and that's if it's meant to be.

-riri-

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