I leave my phone on in case anybody ever needs me.
However no one ever does.
I didn't think it would get to this. Improved person, new problems. Or perhaps same person, more trouble. I let in Dobby before I got caught up looking at the tiny circles of chemicals in front of me. I remember how it was. Counting pills, mixing types, my head isn't right, Dobby is meowing louder now. I thought, no, wait. Sitting down, I remembered Sierra. Where is the knife, where is the past, where is everything I used to keep me calm and at bay? Lets get back there, lets walk through memory lane, taking everything back like it never once left. What didn't kill you, made it hard for you to drink. My throat can't take it but the last time I said I wouldn't, I drank so much my body despised me for it. I guess my mum was right, about me being wrong.
"Bawaku ke pantai
Kosongkan kepala sambil bersantai
Mengira bintang dari pasir putih"
I was looking up searching for the moon, there was not even a star in sight. Was told to prepare for the rain- but then he came. We moved closer to the beach, blankets on the sand, music played on speaker, we had cigarettes and took hits. We had each other and the stars became more apparent, this seemed almost dream like. This should be perfect. But I wasn't. Everyone was in the mood, the vibe was good but I was lost looking up in the sky asking myself why I act the way I do and how it got me feeling what I felt. I couldn't explain when he asked. I felt like sinking into the sand or knocking myself dead. Suddenly I feel sick, to be the one to think of death when everything's beautiful- I was around joyful people laughing, talking or dancing but all I did was lie down.
I didn't want to go back, I knew I still had time and that this was that moment to live the way I did. Inexplicably I couldn't. He was sunshine in the night sky trying to bring me back to earth but I was stuck. I felt like crying. I was too irritated with myself, I felt paralysed. It shouldn't have been this way but I was still there. He started dancing in a way I've never seen him done before. I was mind-blown and astounded. He was exhilarated and I thought he was amazing. I felt it. He was just, everything. While everyone else was cheering to it, I was lying down with my arms over my eyes. We were at the beach and I was a bitch. They were all enjoying themselves and that's all that I want for them even if I wasn't a part of it.
I was distant and out of place. Feeling left out, no one was at fault. I had my loved ones and I had him. He drove all the way from home to me and I had to feel alone in the midst of having fun, ruining everything for everyone. Sabotaging my own happiness like I never wanted it. I wish I had the right words to explain what went in mind but it wasn't anything at all. I felt like going home but my home was with me. Perhaps it was just what were to happen next, and I just didn't want to go yet. In my silence it felt like I wasn't even there with them despite having them with me. I forgot about the thin line that separates me from everyone else. I walk around in a glass box no one dares to touch as I try not to break. Abhorring the distance, I wish I was where they were too.
You wouldn't believe me if I said no one ever really wanted me.
And I don't have the capacity to bother and elaborate.
I used to care about every little thing. These days I don't always do. Not even when it's vital. I remember how excruciating it was. I still feel what is no longer there. I guess we feel what we feel whether or not we choose to react to it. I would tell myself how it's nothing. I try looking at things through the perspective of anyone else changing what shouldn't be to "this has always been". Some days I ask myself why I bother to change what comes naturally to me when I am able to accept it from everyone else. I tell people not to, but it's exactly what I do. It's okay if it was you but I'm not allowed to. My feelings are mine, my emotions aren't stable and nobody needs to deal with that. I can handle it.
Because I'm supposed to. It's all I can do. I don't always want to and there are times where I wish I didn't have to. Almost everybody turns their backs on me in the end so how could I? How could I possibly tell anyone how I feel when I feel it if everything I've ever felt only ever brought the ones I love with all my heart and soul down? But I can't always lie and tell everyone that nothing is wrong and the grass is greener on my side when just like everyone else, I need someone willing to be there for me too. It's always easier to walk away. They say it's just as hard but I'm the one left behind, lost alone swirling back to my wicked state of mind.
I don't care, I would make myself think. I repeat it enough times to genuinely believe that I don't. I'll say it's nothing- it's never anything. If people don't care, why should I? Though everything comes with a price to pay. Funny how slowly those close to you hurts when you don't. Sometimes people forget what they give, in one way or another they get back. Tell yourself it's not that deep. Soon you'll see how you won't really feel. Where's the fun in that right? But then you start believing that it's unfair for them so fuck that and you give people your all even if it means crying on your own some nights wishing you never spoke because every single time you do someone gets hurt and it's never only you.
These days I let people walk away. I tell them to go if they wish to. I'd tell you to stay but the last time and each time I do, sooner or later it feels like forcing instead of asking and I don't want anyone to choose if I have to make them. If I don't have a place, I won't ask for it. I know how being unwanted feels even when somebody wants you. I no longer have the amount of ego and pride I used to, I cut things off or block it out to be safe. After everything I was put through, I find it even more difficult to believe anyone really wants to know. Now every time somebody looks away or is distracted with something else when they're with me or I'm speaking, I immediately assume they're uninterested. I still get downhearted whenever it happens if I let myself think about it.
I don't really mind anymore. I still tell myself that. There's always somewhere better to be and someplace to go. Whatever I am is for me to know and whatever it is, isn't what anyone should be looking for. I would still tell you to stay if you asked. It's just that no one ever does. Everybody thinks I've got it good or that if it's broken, it must have been me. It's always me. It hasn't left yet, the belief that everybody deserves better and I'm not meant for anyone the way I make people believe that they deserve every love they receive. There's always someone else, something more and I am less. The only place I have is where I'm standing. And people still can't see it. They don't believe what I feel.
Intoxicated with shaky legs, vomit stench and strangers.
Isn't this what you wished for?
Anxious at the thought of being around crowds, zero cash, no cigarettes, what does she do with her hands? Thinking she should have stayed home, counting seconds, hoping no one sees her, she can't shut the voices in her head. Everyone staring but nobody is. Out more often, if you're drinking, she drinks with you. Lets go around, calling random decisions adventures. She doesn't talk or call, but these moments she can be the friendliest of all.
Content but she doesn't want to be home. Happiest girl drunk, she just doesn't want to be alone. Happiest girl drunk, she's tired of crying like it's the only thing she's capable of. Happiest girl drunk, she doesn't want to think about it. Happiest girl drunk, wishing she was someplace else, with someone else. Happiest girl drunk, never wanted to leave home. Happiest girl drunk, wish she knew where home was.